[filio]

Hi guys,

I'd like your advice on the following.

I've been with my ltr for 2 years now. Broken up with her once half a year ago but back together after a month.

In the last few months I've noticed something about her mother.
Whenever there's a family gathering or a meetup where I'm present she mentions one or more ex-boyfriends or flings or whatever of my ltr.
She used to do this in the past but much less frequently, now it's in nearly every conversation.

Nothing crazy, but sort of like, we talk about motorbikes, she's like oh yea this guy my gf used to date drove a bike... or we talk about gambling.. oh yeah this other ex-boyfriend might have a problem by now he used to gamble a lot... whatever..

It's this sort of casual mentioning, and then we swap topics again, but now it's much more pronounced and random then when it would actually fit the topic at hand or to make a point.

I'm not saying the past has to be dead but in the last few months it's getting more and more.

Now normally I either ignore or agree and amplify like a shit test.. but still I find it disrespectful. Not sure if she doesn't notice or is doing it on purpose and whether I should say something to her.

How would you handle such a situation?

My girl just ignores her and when we are alone she's angry at her mum for bringing the names up. Everyone else at the table (stepdad, sister, grandparents etc..) don't say a thing even though they of course know the exes as well and it passes by quickly but still it bothers me. She's the only one to ever mention the past boyfriends but now the frequency is much higher than what would be normal in a conversation.

Now I know my gf's past and it's nothing new to me and her mum is always friendly and nice to me but still it's getting on my nerves and with the holidays coming up I sure could use some advice.

Thanks!

[MongolianAbroad]

It's her mom, you gotta be cool.

And stop hanging out with her mom.

[Caduceus]

Has your girlfriend asked her mother to stop ?

[Sp5]

Mom's trying to disqualify her daughter and bang you. Women are always in competition.
Or Mom doesn't like you, trying to drive you away.

[Kona]

This would be such a better story if you said "while i was fucking my LTR's mom, she told me blah blah blah"

Aloha!

[Caduceus]

Easy there guys...OP hasn't mentioned if the mom is good looking or not.
I'm assuming she isn't.

[filio]

Nah not particularly but not hideous, good body for her age, wnb though

I'm thinking more along she doesn't like me, especially since it's been getting more since the breakup and she's realised her daughter is so in love, getting back together with me immediately although her mum warned her against it and i was playing her...

My gf hasn't spoken to her about it she wanted to at one point but I told her not to. But it wasn't that much back then...

I'll see how it turns out over the holidays, maybe she'll ease off again when she realises i don't care.

Flattered you guys think she wants to bang me, maybe I should work on my mom game

Cheers

[Jetset]

Try calling her out, with a dismissive smile.

"Jesus Christ, you sure do think about your daughter's ex-boyfriends a lot. Who were they really dating, here?"

The worst thing that happens is your g/f is deeply offended and you get rid of a potential problem.

[DarkTriad]

(12-17-2018 05:52 AM)filio Wrote:  

Hi guys,

I'd like your advice on the following.

I've been with my ltr for 2 years now. Broken up with her once half a year ago but back together after a month.

In the last few months I've noticed something about her mother.
Whenever there's a family gathering or a meetup where I'm present she mentions one or more ex-boyfriends or flings or whatever of my ltr.
She used to do this in the past but much less frequently, now it's in nearly every conversation.

Nothing crazy, but sort of like, we talk about motorbikes, she's like oh yea this guy my gf used to date drove a bike... or we talk about gambling.. oh yeah this other ex-boyfriend might have a problem by now he used to gamble a lot... whatever..

It's this sort of casual mentioning, and then we swap topics again, but now it's much more pronounced and random then when it would actually fit the topic at hand or to make a point.

I'm not saying the past has to be dead but in the last few months it's getting more and more.

Now normally I either ignore or agree and amplify like a shit test.. but still I find it disrespectful. Not sure if she doesn't notice or is doing it on purpose and whether I should say something to her.

How would you handle such a situation?

My girl just ignores her and when we are alone she's angry at her mum for bringing the names up. Everyone else at the table (stepdad, sister, grandparents etc..) don't say a thing even though they of course know the exes as well and it passes by quickly but still it bothers me. She's the only one to ever mention the past boyfriends but now the frequency is much higher than what would be normal in a conversation.

Now I know my gf's past and it's nothing new to me and her mum is always friendly and nice to me but still it's getting on my nerves and with the holidays coming up I sure could use some advice.

Thanks!

Could be innocent, you were one of the exes after all, maybe it's on her mind.

[joost]

I would call her out. Talk to her in private.

- I'm starting to get uncomfortable knowing your daughter had so many boyfriends. Are you implying your daughter is a whore? Do you think I should bail before it's too late?

[Uprising]

I'm not sure what to suggest. Eventually though, if you and the LTR ever get serious and have kids, you're going to have to put your foot down and put a stop to it. Depending on how serious this LTR is though, you might just be able to let it slide for now.

[RatInTheWoods]

You should be only seeing her mom once a year at Xmas, and you should be blasted on rum and chatting to dad all night anyway, ignoring her bitchy mom.

No you can't say something, have a go back or show any signs of being butt hurt.

Just stop putting yourself in front of moms cannons, ok?

[BBinger]

(12-17-2018 07:04 AM)filio Wrote:  

Nah not particularly but not hideous, good body for her age, wnb though

I'm thinking more along she doesn't like me, especially since it's been getting more since the breakup and she's realised her daughter is so in love, getting back together with me immediately although her mum warned her against it and i was playing her...

My gf hasn't spoken to her about it she wanted to at one point but I told her not to. But it wasn't that much back then...

I'll see how it turns out over the holidays, maybe she'll ease off again when she realises i don't care.

Flattered you guys think she wants to bang me, maybe I should work on my mom game

Cheers

The mom is lonely and is willing to sacrifice her daughter's happiness for the off chance she can get your dick once or twice. Keep fucking the daughter's brains out and save banging the mom for a rebound if things are going south with the daughter. By neither banging the mom nor fearing the mom you keep hand in the relationship.

There isn't too much to mom game. You already have social supreme proof from their younger hotter half self. Avoid showing fear of her. This means don't go out of the way to avoid spending time alone with the mom. Unless if she is going out of her way to seduce you, stay playful and don't involve your dick unless she is passing the boner test... even then make it clear she'll have to earn the dick implying all kinds of things about her daughter's dedication to you... But this is the extreme case.

Most probable is the mom is pushing you to see what you are offering her daughter and by proxy her. However girls be crazy and it is possible mom wants nothing more than to spoil her daughter's happiness by getting your attentions. If all she has to offer is good body for her age, her prospects are likely pretty grim.

Still, if you start taking it for granted you can bang the mom at your leisure your interactions are likely to improve. Inner frame is a helluva drug.

[filio]

Thanks for your thoughts and input!

[Cobra]

You have a bigger problem that's been alluded to many times already by others: You are spending MUCH MORE time with her family than you should.

Secondary problem: Your gf hasn't fully bought into your frame because you are always with her family, hence unknowingly buying into their frame instead. This is a recipe for a disaster. Not your fault but how many family gatherings are you being subject to? Sounds like too many and too early. At least enough for you to see patterns in behavior etc.

I surmised that you're an agreeable person as well from the tone and pattern of your writing. You need to push back more in general.

1. Your gf needs to buy into your frame.
2. What her family thinks should be irrelevant but only if 1 is true.
3. You can't achieve #1 if you hang around her family that much.

You can rest assured this is coming from a guy who got in an LTR with someone that is very family oriented. It caused me to fit into their frame over the years and hence I have had a much tougher time building my own frame for her and our new family.

[debeguiled]

Pretend you have no clue about her subtext.

Act like she is just giving you information.

"Sounds like a great guy." "Good taste in motorcycles."

That kind of stuff. Don't let an old bag rattle you.

A lot of moms see their power over their daughters draining away when she gets attached to a guy.

She is trying to AMOM you.

You are the man. Her grown up girly shit doesn't exist.

She will come around when she sees it isn't working.

[RatInTheWoods]

(12-18-2018 11:38 AM)debeguiled Wrote:  

"Sounds like a great guy." "Good taste in motorcycles."

hahah great stuff.

debegiled swats aside the elderly mom shit tests.

[Cobra]

(12-18-2018 11:38 AM)debeguiled Wrote:  

She is trying to AMOM you.

[Nefarias]

(12-19-2018 02:55 AM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

(12-18-2018 11:38 AM)debeguiled Wrote:  

"Sounds like a great guy." "Good taste in motorcycles."

hahah great stuff.

debegiled swats aside the elderly mom shit tests.

just be careful about not sounding bitter or sarcastic - keep your voice tone neutral/slightly bored.

Also don't agree and amplify since any "reaction" would just show her that she has some power over you.

[RWIsrael]

Whatever you decide to do, don't expect her mother to change. It is likely her own issues/insecurities/need to control manifesting, probably not just regarding you but in other areas as well.

You need to be a bit more Zen about this - accept this is how it will be, including after marriage, and either cope with it, ride it out until you can't take anymore, or bail now.
If she actually does change for the better, that is a bonus.

You can't control her mom or just demand to be respected. IMO talking to her mom about your feelings won't help, will only create more conflict for the long term.

But as others have said, best you can do is spend less time with her entire family, set your own frame and bring your girlfriend into it (this is a reason why the husband traditionally takes the bride away from her parents' home).
You gotta be your own man and your GF has to be her own woman, old crones will behave like old crones.

[PapayaTapper]

Mom is shit testing you on daughter's behalf. You not responding is failing the test only leading to harder tests

(12-17-2018 12:11 PM)joost Wrote:  

I would call her out. Talk to her in private.

- Are you implying your daughter is a whore? Do you think I should bail before it's too late?

^ I'd do this openly and loudly in front of the group. I bet it'd be the last time.

[filio]

Yeah I've decided to do nothing about it and am trying to not letting it affect me any longer.. The spending time with the family will get less again over time it was just a lot more than i'm used to in the last months, gf being quite family oriented.

@Cobra I appreciate your words! I am in fact a very agreeable person, and ever since going on this red pill journey this has been my biggest sticking point. I'm shy about conflict, to the point where I actually cringe and have a bad internal reaction when I witness two people having a discussion (not even necessarily a fight) or a difference in opinion.
My girlfriend had to return some stuff in a store yesterday because it was faulty and the conversation with the store clerk who wasn't happy with the return made me very uncomfortable even though I wasn't part of the conversation and didn't have to say a thing.
Or haggling for prices or seeing other people haggling makes me cringe as well.

It's a big problem and I haven't found a good starting point for fixing it yet.

Actually in my relationship it's not that bad (my gf is always commenting how she's the only person who can't have her way with me, as somehow I'm ok with conflict and having my way in the relationship with her, but in all other areas of life, friends, work, etc.. I'm much too agreeable and soft.

[lunchmoney]

(12-19-2018 10:28 AM)PapayaTapper Wrote:  

Mom is shit testing you on daughter's behalf. You not responding is failing the test only leading to harder tests

(12-17-2018 12:11 PM)joost Wrote:  

I would call her out. Talk to her in private.

- Are you implying your daughter is a whore? Do you think I should bail before it's too late?

^ I'd do this openly and loudly in front of the group. I bet it'd be the last time.

[BassPlayaYo]

There's no need to fight when you know and the opponent knows you can kick their ass. Just ignore and chuckle at the moms musings, you'll look more confident that way.

[Guitarhappy420]

In my experience Cobra and debeguiled have it pegged right. A family therapist might have you draw a circle. You and your gf are inside the circle, everyone else in the world is outside the circle. Old Mom wants inside with daughter. That means you have to be outside in her world view. Families are toxic. Mom is poison to you? Good luck with that.