[KingofScotland]

I have a problem that often when I talk to people they don't really pay attention, they can often ask me a question then stop paying attention when I try to answer them or just talk over me. In a group it's worse, I'll try and say something and people start looking at their phones, lose attention rapidly or speaking amongst themselves even when I'm telling a good story (could be some mad travel adventure involving sex, drugs and rock n roll for example). I'm constantly cut off by people talking over me mid sentence without even giving a shit that I'm in the middle of saying something, it's the height of fucking rudeness and it drives me mad. The problem is obviously with me as so many people do it.

I need this fixed, when I talk I want people to listen. I'm no attention seeker who always wants to tell a story or force everyone to listen to me, me, me BUT if I speak I don't expect to be cut off or ignored. How do I captivate my audience more and make them listen?

Thanks.

[Gmac]

It's absolutely rude, probably one of my biggest pet peeves.

If you want respect, you need to command it. You don't have to be a complete dick, but you should act on that because it is a form of disrespect. It all depends on the situation and who you're talking with of course... and the degree of disrespect.

Some lines I'll use (interrupting them right back):

"Hang on let me finish..."
"You totally cut me off there..."
"Don't worry you'll get your chance to say your piece..."
"Excuse me, I wasn't finished."
"Did your parents teach you to interrupt people when they were talking?"
"Dude shut up for a second."
"You asked me a question remember? Let me answer."
"Really? You're on your phone?"
*walk away or hang up* (my favorite)

There are a thousand ways to approach this, but I usually make it known that I'm annoyed because of them.

You aren't going to change their behavior, but they'll think twice before doing it to you again. If not, remind them who the boss is. You'll quickly find out who your true friends are. Of course, the rude ones can backfire with women... but hey, fuck em. By not saying anything, you're letting them walk all over you. They own you.

[KingofScotland]

That will solve part of the problem but there's obviously something about the way I speak or project myself that makes people lose interest in the first place, I literally see peoples attention fade away before my eyes. I think this is a much more pressing problem that needs to be addressed, putting people in their place and letting them know they are rude is a side issue that I can address as well though, thanks for the advice.

[Basil Ransom]

(10-06-2011 01:18 PM)KingofScotland Wrote:  

I have a problem that often when I talk to people they don't really pay attention, they can often ask me a question then stop paying attention when I try to answer them or just talk over me. In a group it's worse, I'll try and say something and people start looking at their phones, lose attention rapidly or speaking amongst themselves even when I'm telling a good story (could be some mad travel adventure involving sex, drugs and rock n roll for example). I'm constantly cut off by people talking over me mid sentence without even giving a shit that I'm in the middle of saying something, it's the height of fucking rudeness and it drives me mad. The problem is obviously with me as so many people do it.

I need this fixed, when I talk I want people to listen. I'm no attention seeker who always wants to tell a story or force everyone to listen to me, me, me BUT if I speak I don't expect to be cut off or ignored. How do I captivate my audience more and make them listen?

Thanks.

Dude, I identify with you. I can take any amount of shit talking, but I hate people snubbing/ignoring me. This happens to me as well.

Based off my own experience, I think it's because you have a soft voice, or speak softly. Up until 18 or so, I mumbled almost everything I said. I don't anymore, but I still have a low deep voice that blends in easily with ambient noise, and it's easy to ignore. People have trouble hearing me, and I notice girls are much much more rapt in attention and turned on by me in quiet, slow environments. In loud environments, girls will often lose interest quickly as they can't hear me. It's like my voice lacks urgency, so it gets ignored sometimes.

People with more audible voices may not understand your predicament, and think it's something else, when it really is your voice. At least that's what I think of my own case. Consider taking voice lessons to achieve a more resonant voice. Adding some color to your voice can help as well. I'd like to take lessons, but haven't really gotten around to it.

I knew this kid who everyone hated. He had this obnoxious high pitched voice that you just couldn't ignore, it would pierce the air like a siren. And while everyone wished they could ignore him, they simply couldn't. I'm 99% sure it has nothing to do with the content of what you are saying, or your confidence. It's the character of your voice.

[MikeCF]

Gain muscle.

[Giovonny]

People are not feeling your "presence". You are not commanding any respect. It is probably a combination of many things. Your look, style of dress, voice, way of speaking, the way you carry yourself, body language, eye language, overall confidence, etc.

You can improve all of these things, if you work on them.

Do you have a plan for getting better?

Edit:

(10-06-2011 05:03 PM)basilransom Wrote:  

Dude, I identify with you. I can take any amount of shit talking, but I hate people snubbing/ignoring me. This happens to me as well.

Based off my own experience, I think it's because you have a soft voice, or speak softly. Up until 18 or so, I mumbled almost everything I said. I don't anymore, but I still have a low deep voice that blends in easily with ambient noise, and it's easy to ignore. People have trouble hearing me, and I notice girls are much much more rapt in attention and turned on by me in quiet, slow environments. In loud environments, girls will often lose interest quickly as they can't hear me. It's like my voice lacks urgency, so it gets ignored sometimes.

People with more audible voices may not understand your predicament, and think it's something else, when it really is your voice. At least that's what I think of my own case. Consider taking voice lessons to achieve a more resonant voice. Adding some color to your voice can help as well. I'd like to take lessons, but haven't really gotten around to it.

I knew this kid who everyone hated. He had this obnoxious high pitched voice that you just couldn't ignore, it would pierce the air like a siren. And while everyone wished they could ignore him, they simply couldn't. I'm 99% sure it has nothing to do with the content of what you are saying, or your confidence. It's the character of your voice.

Great call! Voice is so underrated. Not only the sound of our voice but also tonality and cadence. Just like someone can be "easy/hard to look at", it is also possible to be "easy/hard to listen to". I have learned to speak more from my belly instead of my throat. My voice was too high pitched. I want it to be more strong, soothing, and seductive.

(10-06-2011 05:14 PM)MikeCF Wrote:  

Gain muscle.

Ironically, I think Basil is a big, muscular guy.

Having a good body and a good voice is ideal, of course.

[Basil Ransom]

(10-06-2011 06:38 PM)Giovonny Wrote:  

People are not feeling your "presence". You are not commanding any respect. It is probably a combination of many things. Your look, style of dress, voice, way of speaking, the way you carry yourself, body language, eye language, overall confidence, etc.

You can improve all of these things, if you work on them.

Do you have a plan for getting better?

Edit:

(10-06-2011 05:03 PM)basilransom Wrote:  

Dude, I identify with you. I can take any amount of shit talking, but I hate people snubbing/ignoring me. This happens to me as well.

Based off my own experience, I think it's because you have a soft voice, or speak softly. Up until 18 or so, I mumbled almost everything I said. I don't anymore, but I still have a low deep voice that blends in easily with ambient noise, and it's easy to ignore. People have trouble hearing me, and I notice girls are much much more rapt in attention and turned on by me in quiet, slow environments. In loud environments, girls will often lose interest quickly as they can't hear me. It's like my voice lacks urgency, so it gets ignored sometimes.

People with more audible voices may not understand your predicament, and think it's something else, when it really is your voice. At least that's what I think of my own case. Consider taking voice lessons to achieve a more resonant voice. Adding some color to your voice can help as well. I'd like to take lessons, but haven't really gotten around to it.

I knew this kid who everyone hated. He had this obnoxious high pitched voice that you just couldn't ignore, it would pierce the air like a siren. And while everyone wished they could ignore him, they simply couldn't. I'm 99% sure it has nothing to do with the content of what you are saying, or your confidence. It's the character of your voice.

Great call! Voice is so underrated. Not only the sound of our voice but also tonality and cadence. Just like someone can be "easy/hard to look at", it is also possible to be "easy/hard to listen to". I have learned to speak more from my belly instead of my throat. My voice was too high pitched. I want it to be more strong, soothing, and seductive.

(10-06-2011 05:14 PM)MikeCF Wrote:  

Gain muscle.

Ironically, I think Basil is a big, muscular guy.

Having a good body and a good voice is ideal, of course.

Haha I'm not huge, I'm 6'1" ~190 on a thin frame.

Squatting with a lifting belt is probably the most effective way to strengthen your diaphragm, but the diaphragm isn't necessarily the weak link. It isn't in my case. And actually, your voice has cues to your upper body strength, see this: http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/DyeHard...d=10983389 . I wonder if that means a man will 'sound stronger' after strength training. I'd bet the strength training will improve your voice and those strength cues.

I don't have this problem when I go on first dates, because we're outside the entire time, the noise level is low, and there's no one else within earshot of us. I've specifically structured the date to minimize all possible noises and distractions. Home dinner dates and hiking also work.

[Parlay44]

Take a public speaking class or course. Did wonders for me in school. Kinda opened me up.

It also let's you practice commanding an audience so you can see what keeps their attention.

[bez]

Learn how to tell good jokes......the more times you tell them,the better you will get at telling them and the funnier they will be.
Everyone likes a good joke and you can make your own stories sound like jokes.(with some practice)
Dont be a fulltime comedian though....pick your moments.

[Insignia]

Just be as loud as possible. If you have a loud and commanding voice they will have to listen to you.

[KingofScotland]

There's some good advice here. I don't think being as loud as possible is the way forward though, I don't want to be some loud mouth idiot who shouts all the time.

Quote:

Do you have a plan for getting better?

No because I'm not sure where to start, I don't know where the issue lies. Is it my voice, do I not command attention, do I not project myself well, do I simply tell stories bad or speak in a way that makes people shut down etc etc etc. I genuinely don't know. I think I have quite a deep voice and always got the impression it was loud too (was always told that in the past) so I don't know if in an effort to not be so loud I've toned it down a bit. I'm really not sure.

[Giovonny]

(10-07-2011 12:13 PM)KingofScotland Wrote:  

Quote:

Do you have a plan for getting better?

No because I'm not sure where to start, I don't know where the issue lies. Is it my voice, do I not command attention, do I not project myself well, do I simply tell stories bad or speak in a way that makes people shut down etc etc etc. I genuinely don't know. I think I have quite a deep voice and always got the impression it was loud too (was always told that in the past) so I don't know if in an effort to not be so loud I've toned it down a bit. I'm really not sure.

King,

I suggest 2 things:

1) Talk to as many girls and groups of people as possible. Try to observe what works and what doesn't. At what point do they lose interest in you? Sometimes you can tell just by the look on a persons face. They stop looking at you, they stop listening to you, they seek out eye contact with other people, you lost their interest. If you practice enough you will start to notice patterns. The issue will become more obvious.

2) Study and observe guys with strong speaking skills. Copy them, learn from them.

The main thing is work hard and push yourself. Don't just read about Game. Get out there and practice.

You don't have to pick just one thing to work on. Everything is connected. If you improve in one area, the others will automatically improve? Just work on everything, its not as hard as it sounds, just talk to groups of girls/people everyday. Trial and error is the best teacher.

You should think about reading "Bang".

Studying this guy really helped me alot:

[oldskool]

(10-06-2011 05:03 PM)basilransom Wrote:  

(10-06-2011 01:18 PM)KingofScotland Wrote:  

I have a problem that often when I talk to people they don't really pay attention, they can often ask me a question then stop paying attention when I try to answer them or just talk over me. In a group it's worse, I'll try and say something and people start looking at their phones, lose attention rapidly or speaking amongst themselves even when I'm telling a good story (could be some mad travel adventure involving sex, drugs and rock n roll for example). I'm constantly cut off by people talking over me mid sentence without even giving a shit that I'm in the middle of saying something, it's the height of fucking rudeness and it drives me mad. The problem is obviously with me as so many people do it.

I need this fixed, when I talk I want people to listen. I'm no attention seeker who always wants to tell a story or force everyone to listen to me, me, me BUT if I speak I don't expect to be cut off or ignored. How do I captivate my audience more and make them listen?

Thanks.

Dude, I identify with you. I can take any amount of shit talking, but I hate people snubbing/ignoring me. This happens to me as well.

Based off my own experience, I think it's because you have a soft voice, or speak softly. Up until 18 or so, I mumbled almost everything I said. I don't anymore, but I still have a low deep voice that blends in easily with ambient noise, and it's easy to ignore. People have trouble hearing me, and I notice girls are much much more rapt in attention and turned on by me in quiet, slow environments. In loud environments, girls will often lose interest quickly as they can't hear me. It's like my voice lacks urgency, so it gets ignored sometimes.

People with more audible voices may not understand your predicament, and think it's something else, when it really is your voice. At least that's what I think of my own case. Consider taking voice lessons to achieve a more resonant voice. Adding some color to your voice can help as well. I'd like to take lessons, but haven't really gotten around to it.

I knew this kid who everyone hated. He had this obnoxious high pitched voice that you just couldn't ignore, it would pierce the air like a siren. And while everyone wished they could ignore him, they simply couldn't. I'm 99% sure it has nothing to do with the content of what you are saying, or your confidence. It's the character of your voice.

+1

[MikeCF]

Read "Voice Power."

[Feo]

Are you talking/telling your stories because you have some interest in the subject, or are you just "putting in your two cents" or trying to get others to like you. The issue could be that you just don't feel like talking and other people pick up on your low energy.

It could also be that you're self absorbed. Maybe you're too focused on talking about yourself and forgetting to make others talk about themselves.

I used to have the same problem back in college. I got over it by working out more and quitting smoking. Hope that helps out.

[KingofScotland]

It's not just when I'm telling stories or talking about myself it's just in general conversation, people can ask me questions and then not listen to my answer or someone else will just cut me off and talk right over me, I can try several times to get my point across and get cut off every time. This is happening all the time, every day. It's driving me mad.

[Sphere]

People are rude and have short attention spans. It's a feature of the new technology; smartphones and computers have given us permission to be as distracted as we want.

As Teddy Roosevelt said years ago with reference to an optimal foreign policy:

Speak softly and carry a big stick.

[alchemist]

I can relate to you. I used to routinely get talked over or cut off and it drove me fucking mad. Even people who knew me well like my brother used to do it. I'd come away from a group conversation feeling like the most insignificant person there since everyone talked over me. It's shit, but it very rarely happens to me now and when it does I know how to stop it. My advice:

1) Find guys with a similar voice to you who command others' attention. I have a pretty deep voice and being laid back by nature I used to have this deep monotonous drawl when I spoke. I know a guy with a similar voice who speaks louder, adds emphasis or raises his tone at the right times. Find someone like that. Study them. Copy them.

2) Gesture and make eye contact with everyone in the group; it makes you much more noticable. Practice in front of a mirror if needs be.

3) Speak according to your environment. If you're having a quiet pint with one mate, long-winded answers are fine. At a party or in a hostel, less is often more. Grab attention with short statements, then practice doing it for longer. I'm still not great at telling stories to groups, but I'm working on it.

4) Don't accept that kind of rudeness from anyone. A turning point for me was when I got pissed off at my brother and told him flat out what a rude prick he was being. Now I do that quickly every time I meet someone who talks over me. Don't get aggressive but stand your ground - it works.

[Chad Daring]

(10-07-2011 11:25 AM)Insignia Wrote:  

Just be as loud as possible. If you have a loud and commanding voice they will have to listen to you.

This is usually what I do. If someone cuts me off or interrupts me I just turn up the volume and plow through, I've got a fairly deep voice so I'll just turn on the turbo bass and overpower them, make good eye contact with the person as you do this.

[La Familia]

As said before, eye contact is key. Don't just "screen" eyes--master the art of a deep stare. You can control a conversation based on your eye language, and conveying that it is your turn to talk is done effectively when you make eye contact with someone for a few seconds before moving to the next person. Also speaking in a lower voice will grab their attention. Roissy has a post on this from a month or so ago.

And if you are disrespected one too many times by people, make a stand/confront them. You'll be surprised by how many people would rather avoid confrontation than to lock horns.

[bez]

I met a guy today on site that was one of those people that has to tell a better story than the previous person.
You all know the type,someone tells a story about a pretty good fishing trip,then the story one-upper tells about the time he caught a marlin off the rocks and took 4 hours to haul it in by himself.....
Its easy to not listen to these people or all of a sudden find something that has to be done right now when they start blabbing...

your not doing this are you?

[Parlay44]

I hate the one-upper. He's trying too hard to be the AMOG.

[KingofScotland]

Quote:

your not doing this are you?

Nah I'm pretty sure I'm not like this. I'd have been told straight by one of my good mates a long time ago if I was. Everyone knows someone like that and I don't think it's me.

I think part of the problem is that I do naturally have a loud, deep, voice and for years have always been told I talk to loud or it sounds like I'm shouting so have over the years calmed it down a bit and started purposely speaking softer and less loud which means my voice is being lost in the crowd. This problem mainly occurs at work, I work in a place where a lot of people are taking calls so when you're having a convo with someone you can't be shouting or even talking too loudly as it pouts everyone off. I can't seem to get the middle ground right either. I really need to work on locking in eye contact with people too, I do look them in the general direction but definitely have realised that I don't make sure we're locking gazes.

[Gmac]

(10-10-2011 12:54 PM)KingofScotland Wrote:  

Quote:

your not doing this are you?

Nah I'm pretty sure I'm not like this. I'd have been told straight by one of my good mates a long time ago if I was. Everyone knows someone like that and I don't think it's me.

I think part of the problem is that I do naturally have a loud, deep, voice and for years have always been told I talk to loud or it sounds like I'm shouting so have over the years calmed it down a bit and started purposely speaking softer and less loud which means my voice is being lost in the crowd. This problem mainly occurs at work, I work in a place where a lot of people are taking calls so when you're having a convo with someone you can't be shouting or even talking too loudly as it pouts everyone off. I can't seem to get the middle ground right either. I really need to work on locking in eye contact with people too, I do look them in the general direction but definitely have realised that I don't make sure we're locking gazes.

Maybe you just need to project a more energetic personality. The most enthusiastic and animated speakers are paid attention to the most. My company president (a true type A) is the perfect example. His presence says it all. People listen.

[bez]

Maybe you just need to project a more energetic personality. The most enthusiastic and animated speakers are paid attention to the most.[/quote]

This is what i aim for when i tell stories,i try to do the voices of the characters involved,their expressions,get the people listening to interact with the plot(if possible)and get myself really inside the story without being too over the top.
A good way to get your audience to be involved in your story might be to purposely forget a character/place or detail and get them to remind you who/what/where it was.This could backfire if they dont know or cant remember either so make it an easy detail to pick up.
i.e person in the story looks like someone famous etc.
I feel for you man,i know a couple friends that kinda have this same problem and i can see it really gets to them...

(10-06-2011 10:32 PM)Parlay44 Wrote:  

Take a public speaking class or course. Did wonders for me in school. Kinda opened me up.

It also let's you practice commanding an audience so you can see what keeps their attention.

Best advice so far imo....