I've noticed a significant improvement lately in the way girls (and people in general) are responding to me. Thought it would be beneficial for both myself and the forum to put down in writing what I've been doing differently.
So basically, reading too much game advice had led me to believe that I'm supposed to be this laconic, doesn't-give-a-fuck type character. That shit did not work for me, at all. I've seen it said around here that you should act like you WANT the girl, but not like you NEED the girl. This advice is gold and 100% true. However, game literature seems to focus disproportionately on the latter... demonstrating higher value/acting like you have options and don't need the girl. But in my experience, showing strong interest in the girl is just as crucial as not being needy. They're both entirely necessary if you want to get anywhere.
If you think about it hard enough, failure to show any enthusiasm toward a girl you're pursuing IS inherently needy. What type of guy pursues a girl he's not that into? A desperate guy. A guy who needs to throw a ton of paint at the wall and hope something sticks. A man with options only pursues girls that excite and inspire him. So act...no, be excited and inspired by every girl you pursue.
Okay, now to get more specific. How do you act excited and inspired but not needy? Here are the particular changes I've made lately:
Make the date seem like a big deal: Prior to meeting for a first date, build some rapport via text. If you schedule the date more than a couple days ahead of time, start a text conversation every now and then in the interim. Open with something clever and fun if you can think of anything... if not, it's fine to just do the standard "how's your week going" or whatever. Girls ain't gonna penalize you for that, they're certainly not any more creative. Either way, whether the date is scheduled two days or two weeks in advance, shoot her a text the day of. Not only does this help build rapport/conversational momentum for the date, it's a much better way to ensure you won't be stood up than going "so are we still on for today?" Ugh. If you find yourself texting that, you've gone wrong somewhere in your date buildup.
Warmth: First thing I do when I meet a girl for a date is give a great big warm smile as soon as we make eye contact, and then give her a hug. I smile at her a lot throughout the date too, assuming I'm still interested. Hell, I even put smiley faces in my texts sometimes, allegedly a sin. In my experience it's fine as long as you don't overdo it.
High energy: Do not be monotone. For god's sake, DO NOT BE MONOTONE. Everything you say should be in a loud, energetic, hyper-confident voice with varied pitch. In my experience, this will come far more naturally if you're doing well with your sleep. Being well-rested is crucial to being charismatic.
Talk a lot: No, the girl shouldn't do most of the talking. I have no idea where people get that idea. A girl's second biggest fear on a first date, after the guy being a serial killer, is that it'll be tense and full of awkward silence. How do you kill that feeling of awkward silence and "oh shit what am I supposed to say now?" Ramble like a motherfucker every chance you get. Provide as much conversational fodder as your brain can possibly muster. If you do this well, you'll only encounter awkward silences with the most socially inept people. And girls especially appreciate the hell out of you being the one to provide most of the conversation fodder. In fact, when you're going to meet a girl for a date, literally script an opening ramble you'll go on as soon as you see her. It sets a great tone for the rest of the date. The last thing in the world you need is an awkward silence within 30 seconds of meeting up, so ensure that has no way of happening.
Listen with intense focus: Don't interpret the above as not giving her a chance to talk. When she does open her mouth, shut the fuck up and listen with 100% undivided focus. And show it outwardly too. If you're sitting side-by-side at a bar, turn your whole body to face directly toward her. Burn a hole in her with intense, laser-focused eye contact. Be animated. Make your facial expressions correspond with what she says (don't keep nodding though). When she tells you something surprising, look super surprised. When she says something that sounds too crazy to be true, look skeptical. Make it known that you're hanging on every word. And when you respond, please for the love of god have it pertain to what she said. Nothing is more annoying than when someone responds to you with something unrelated to what you just said.
Aggressive, well-calibrated escalation: In my experience, no girl ever views aggressive escalation negatively, provided it's done in a reasonable manner. Even the girls who don't seem to be responding to it at all tend to want to meet again if you just rub their leg or put your arm around them. It feels great to them. But as I said it has to be well-calibrated. What's poorly calibrated escalation?
-Not being gradual. If you shove your tongue down her throat out of nowhere, that just looks thirsty. The idea is to advance one step at a time as far as she'll let you.
First get her comfortable via conversation. Then hold her hand or stroke her leg or back or put your arm around her. Then if she's taking to that, kiss her lightly. If she takes to that, THEN you can move on to seriously making out. Gradual.
-Pressuring her. If she clearly doesn't want to go the next step, stop pushing, and DO NOT attempt to convince her. Push it as far as she'll have, but not further.
-Not isolating. You can't do this shit in the middle of a restaurant or something. Find a semi-private, safe environment for escalation. A park bench or a booth in a lounge (or obviously your place) will do.
Now escalation was something I always knew I was supposed to do, but often found myself too afraid for fear that she wouldn't want it or whatever. But experience has taught me that girls always like it more than you anticipate they will. So just fucking try it, what's the worst that happens?
That's all I've got for now, will update if I think of anything else.
So basically, reading too much game advice had led me to believe that I'm supposed to be this laconic, doesn't-give-a-fuck type character. That shit did not work for me, at all. I've seen it said around here that you should act like you WANT the girl, but not like you NEED the girl. This advice is gold and 100% true. However, game literature seems to focus disproportionately on the latter... demonstrating higher value/acting like you have options and don't need the girl. But in my experience, showing strong interest in the girl is just as crucial as not being needy. They're both entirely necessary if you want to get anywhere.
If you think about it hard enough, failure to show any enthusiasm toward a girl you're pursuing IS inherently needy. What type of guy pursues a girl he's not that into? A desperate guy. A guy who needs to throw a ton of paint at the wall and hope something sticks. A man with options only pursues girls that excite and inspire him. So act...no, be excited and inspired by every girl you pursue.
Okay, now to get more specific. How do you act excited and inspired but not needy? Here are the particular changes I've made lately:
Make the date seem like a big deal: Prior to meeting for a first date, build some rapport via text. If you schedule the date more than a couple days ahead of time, start a text conversation every now and then in the interim. Open with something clever and fun if you can think of anything... if not, it's fine to just do the standard "how's your week going" or whatever. Girls ain't gonna penalize you for that, they're certainly not any more creative. Either way, whether the date is scheduled two days or two weeks in advance, shoot her a text the day of. Not only does this help build rapport/conversational momentum for the date, it's a much better way to ensure you won't be stood up than going "so are we still on for today?" Ugh. If you find yourself texting that, you've gone wrong somewhere in your date buildup.
Warmth: First thing I do when I meet a girl for a date is give a great big warm smile as soon as we make eye contact, and then give her a hug. I smile at her a lot throughout the date too, assuming I'm still interested. Hell, I even put smiley faces in my texts sometimes, allegedly a sin. In my experience it's fine as long as you don't overdo it.
High energy: Do not be monotone. For god's sake, DO NOT BE MONOTONE. Everything you say should be in a loud, energetic, hyper-confident voice with varied pitch. In my experience, this will come far more naturally if you're doing well with your sleep. Being well-rested is crucial to being charismatic.
Talk a lot: No, the girl shouldn't do most of the talking. I have no idea where people get that idea. A girl's second biggest fear on a first date, after the guy being a serial killer, is that it'll be tense and full of awkward silence. How do you kill that feeling of awkward silence and "oh shit what am I supposed to say now?" Ramble like a motherfucker every chance you get. Provide as much conversational fodder as your brain can possibly muster. If you do this well, you'll only encounter awkward silences with the most socially inept people. And girls especially appreciate the hell out of you being the one to provide most of the conversation fodder. In fact, when you're going to meet a girl for a date, literally script an opening ramble you'll go on as soon as you see her. It sets a great tone for the rest of the date. The last thing in the world you need is an awkward silence within 30 seconds of meeting up, so ensure that has no way of happening.
Listen with intense focus: Don't interpret the above as not giving her a chance to talk. When she does open her mouth, shut the fuck up and listen with 100% undivided focus. And show it outwardly too. If you're sitting side-by-side at a bar, turn your whole body to face directly toward her. Burn a hole in her with intense, laser-focused eye contact. Be animated. Make your facial expressions correspond with what she says (don't keep nodding though). When she tells you something surprising, look super surprised. When she says something that sounds too crazy to be true, look skeptical. Make it known that you're hanging on every word. And when you respond, please for the love of god have it pertain to what she said. Nothing is more annoying than when someone responds to you with something unrelated to what you just said.
Aggressive, well-calibrated escalation: In my experience, no girl ever views aggressive escalation negatively, provided it's done in a reasonable manner. Even the girls who don't seem to be responding to it at all tend to want to meet again if you just rub their leg or put your arm around them. It feels great to them. But as I said it has to be well-calibrated. What's poorly calibrated escalation?
-Not being gradual. If you shove your tongue down her throat out of nowhere, that just looks thirsty. The idea is to advance one step at a time as far as she'll let you.
First get her comfortable via conversation. Then hold her hand or stroke her leg or back or put your arm around her. Then if she's taking to that, kiss her lightly. If she takes to that, THEN you can move on to seriously making out. Gradual.
-Pressuring her. If she clearly doesn't want to go the next step, stop pushing, and DO NOT attempt to convince her. Push it as far as she'll have, but not further.
-Not isolating. You can't do this shit in the middle of a restaurant or something. Find a semi-private, safe environment for escalation. A park bench or a booth in a lounge (or obviously your place) will do.
Now escalation was something I always knew I was supposed to do, but often found myself too afraid for fear that she wouldn't want it or whatever. But experience has taught me that girls always like it more than you anticipate they will. So just fucking try it, what's the worst that happens?
That's all I've got for now, will update if I think of anything else.
