Guys, right now I'm in a really weird situation in life and don't know how to move on from it. It might look like an emotional sob story, but those are just strange facts. Don't want to be seen as a victim, just don't know what to do. I'll try to sum up my story:
-I'm coming from small village
-Raised by overprotective mum that did everything for me
-Dad was actually quite "alpha" - can hunt, built a house. Also very agressive, was heavy drinker, beating mum
-I was watching a lot of porn as a little kid (found cds of my dad)
-I was bullied in school
-Was always very emotional and reactive - for example I cried when I could not solve a math problem lol
-In high school I started drinking a lot (around age 16) - by "a lot" I mean drinking till the blackout almost every weekend, cheap wine
-At the same time I started smoking weed
-Met this girl that was ex girl of my friend. One time she invited me to her place, we started drinking and kissing, but i could not get it up - I was nervous as fuck and this story hounts me to this day
-After that I Got first "real girlfriend" in high school - I got extreme beta, I was buying her flowers etc, I also had like strange kinks like foot fetish lol, obviously she dumped me really fast
-In high school I was always socially anxious outcast, had a few strange friends
-Met dude that was into SEO and affiliate marketing, I started making good money selling payday loans online
-Same dude told me about PUA
-Got another girlfriend at the end of high school, after "few attempts" fucked her eventually
-I moved to bigger city to study, still having long distance relationship with second girlfriend
-Eventually she also moved to my city and it was quite nice - in the beggining I was dominant, she loved me and was doing everything I wanted, I was fucking her good
-We were going to restaurants to eat etc, basically I was paying for her sex
-After 2 years I started becoming beta (or even omega) again in relationship
-She probly cheated on me, now I think that it might be with 2 dudes
-Had a major fuckup with some affiliate campaings and lost a lot of money - of course I reacted like a little bitch and cried for some time
-Girl dumped me
-Still had some money from affiliate saved up and I was living from it for a few years
-My dad bought a flat for my sister in the city - I'm living in it right now
-I'm very comfortable - ordering food online, or eating outside, lazy as fuck
-During that few years I was basically - reading about game, going out to swimming pool, going to gym, not working
-Started approaching during the day
-Probly a few thousands approaches, extremely weak results, dates going to nowhere
-Met dudes from local rsd group, actually a few "cool" ones
-Started doing night game - againg weak results, had like 2 one night stands during like 2 years of night game
-Still had a performance anxiety before sex with a few girls
-Got another girlfriend for a year - but she was emotionally unstable and I dumped her - but it was because I wanted to prove something to myself, that I can manipulate girls and dump them too
-Overall I fucked 15 girls from like thousands of approaches, probly +100 dates and a lot of money and time invested
-During all those years I was going to a lot of rave parties, took a lot of drugs like mdma, lsd, shrooms etc.
- I have probly brain damage from drinking and drugs
-Most girls I fucked were actually low self-esteem or very young or drunk
-Last girl I was fucking - She was virgin, very young and insecure, but beautiful - probly best I have fucked yet. Would give her 8/10
-We were meeting only for sex, during weekends
-I was still trying to game other girls, fucked 2 girls after this one
-I had one great experience with this girl 8/10 - I took her for a holiday with some friends, we took mdma/lsd/shrooms and after those vacations and fucking her for a few days I felt best in my entire life - just as if every bad experience from the past was gone.
-I wanted to feel this high all the time, was still tripping during weekends
-Money started to run down, I got anxious because of it
-This girl 8/10 started to see my insecurities, she learned some game and started shit testing me hard, I bacome beta again
-She dumped me
So now I'm 27. Have no job, money or a girl. It looks like I'm still a little mommy boy that wanted to show off to other people because of insecurities and anxiety.
Can't cook, clean or do something worthwhile. I'm even axious to drive a car.
Can't hold a high self esteem girl for a long time bacause after some time I'm becoming submissive beta boy, even though I'm acting dominant at the beggining.
Somehow I'd like to break out of this and become real man not some weird, socially anxious,insecure, pseudo player boy with brain damage.
Is it possible to still be good with women after all this crap and bad experiences? It looks like I have more failures that successes in my life and its difficult break out of it.
Not trolling.
I'm sorry for my bad english.
What would you reccomend? (besides killing myself)
-I'm coming from small village
-Raised by overprotective mum that did everything for me
-Dad was actually quite "alpha" - can hunt, built a house. Also very agressive, was heavy drinker, beating mum
-I was watching a lot of porn as a little kid (found cds of my dad)
-I was bullied in school
-Was always very emotional and reactive - for example I cried when I could not solve a math problem lol
-In high school I started drinking a lot (around age 16) - by "a lot" I mean drinking till the blackout almost every weekend, cheap wine
-At the same time I started smoking weed
-Met this girl that was ex girl of my friend. One time she invited me to her place, we started drinking and kissing, but i could not get it up - I was nervous as fuck and this story hounts me to this day
-After that I Got first "real girlfriend" in high school - I got extreme beta, I was buying her flowers etc, I also had like strange kinks like foot fetish lol, obviously she dumped me really fast
-In high school I was always socially anxious outcast, had a few strange friends
-Met dude that was into SEO and affiliate marketing, I started making good money selling payday loans online
-Same dude told me about PUA
-Got another girlfriend at the end of high school, after "few attempts" fucked her eventually
-I moved to bigger city to study, still having long distance relationship with second girlfriend
-Eventually she also moved to my city and it was quite nice - in the beggining I was dominant, she loved me and was doing everything I wanted, I was fucking her good
-We were going to restaurants to eat etc, basically I was paying for her sex
-After 2 years I started becoming beta (or even omega) again in relationship
-She probly cheated on me, now I think that it might be with 2 dudes
-Had a major fuckup with some affiliate campaings and lost a lot of money - of course I reacted like a little bitch and cried for some time
-Girl dumped me
-Still had some money from affiliate saved up and I was living from it for a few years
-My dad bought a flat for my sister in the city - I'm living in it right now
-I'm very comfortable - ordering food online, or eating outside, lazy as fuck
-During that few years I was basically - reading about game, going out to swimming pool, going to gym, not working
-Started approaching during the day
-Probly a few thousands approaches, extremely weak results, dates going to nowhere
-Met dudes from local rsd group, actually a few "cool" ones
-Started doing night game - againg weak results, had like 2 one night stands during like 2 years of night game
-Still had a performance anxiety before sex with a few girls
-Got another girlfriend for a year - but she was emotionally unstable and I dumped her - but it was because I wanted to prove something to myself, that I can manipulate girls and dump them too
-Overall I fucked 15 girls from like thousands of approaches, probly +100 dates and a lot of money and time invested
-During all those years I was going to a lot of rave parties, took a lot of drugs like mdma, lsd, shrooms etc.
- I have probly brain damage from drinking and drugs
-Most girls I fucked were actually low self-esteem or very young or drunk
-Last girl I was fucking - She was virgin, very young and insecure, but beautiful - probly best I have fucked yet. Would give her 8/10
-We were meeting only for sex, during weekends
-I was still trying to game other girls, fucked 2 girls after this one
-I had one great experience with this girl 8/10 - I took her for a holiday with some friends, we took mdma/lsd/shrooms and after those vacations and fucking her for a few days I felt best in my entire life - just as if every bad experience from the past was gone.
-I wanted to feel this high all the time, was still tripping during weekends
-Money started to run down, I got anxious because of it
-This girl 8/10 started to see my insecurities, she learned some game and started shit testing me hard, I bacome beta again
-She dumped me
So now I'm 27. Have no job, money or a girl. It looks like I'm still a little mommy boy that wanted to show off to other people because of insecurities and anxiety.
Can't cook, clean or do something worthwhile. I'm even axious to drive a car.
Can't hold a high self esteem girl for a long time bacause after some time I'm becoming submissive beta boy, even though I'm acting dominant at the beggining.
Somehow I'd like to break out of this and become real man not some weird, socially anxious,insecure, pseudo player boy with brain damage.
Is it possible to still be good with women after all this crap and bad experiences? It looks like I have more failures that successes in my life and its difficult break out of it.
Not trolling.
I'm sorry for my bad english.
What would you reccomend? (besides killing myself)