I'm cutting back on overly personal stuff, I was lulled into a false sense of security on the (not anonymous) internet. This is fairly definitive and I hope helpful to at least 1 person.
Anyway, this is basically about some aspects of my past involving drug addiction and crime that hopefully provide some insight on those topics as a whole.
Right now I'm moderately successful, doing better than paycheck to paycheck and enjoying life, and I've returned to the friendly, easy going guy I was before things went wrong (or when I made the wrong choices to be precise.) God has returned me to sanity, and lifting weights and making music keeps me focused.
Several years ago I had some things happen, or signs, that led me to have absolute faith that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.
Before this I was a moral relativist. Without the Ten Commandments and other guidelines from God I could justify almost anything that didn't involve violence (and even some levels of that.)
I pray every day throughout the day whenever tempted, the main thing I pray on is if my mind state is bad (anxious, rage etc.)
I don't ask God for any physical things (praying for money etc) just for guidance.
As far as keeping busy/focused:
I tried AA but didn't like it, I smoke weed a few times a week (I was a PCP addict, junkie etc which I'll get to) and they are absolutists, I also didn't like the social atmosphere (it's too much drama all around.)
There is a men's only meeting I stop by 2-4 times a month just to hear about people messing up (woman don't add to AA meetings)
The main coping skills for me are lifting weights and making music.
Lifting weights has an antidepressant effect for me, raises T all around it's just awesome. Unfortunately I've been dealing with a shoulder injury for 6 months so I'm limited to leg machines at the moment (can't put bar on my shoulder to squat.) But doing a massive amount of reps on those is passable for now.
After being released from my last jail/institution I got a drum machine and started making music (I use software called Reason now.) In the beginning I put 6 hours in damn near every day, I still do 2-6 nearly every night.
It's been great for me, my social circle is mostly other musicians and it keeps me out of trouble.
On songs where I do the vocals I tend to talk about the period of my life where I was a psychotic criminal but I have stopped that as of recent (it's tasteless/somewhat hypocritical) and leave the vocals to others.
THE DARK AGE
I have a great, large extended family. I was a happy go lucky kid until 6th grade.
In 6th and 7th grade I was bullied at a private school I was going for for football. For whatever reason I didn't fit in, might have been a class thing (athletic scholarship.) This planted seeds of misanthropy and hatred for society that I began to act on in 8th grade when I started to grow rapidly. (eventually reaching 6'3".)
In 8th grade I was suspended a couple times for mashing people out and expelled for stealing.
In 9th grade I started experimenting with drugs, marijuana and DXM (a dissociative anaesthetic, same class as PCP and ketamine found in OTC cough syrup.)
My parents screwed up here, they may not have seen signs but strict intervention would have probably done some good. They didn't really catch on for a year or more.
I got kicked out of high school in 9th grade for being a jackass all year. Fighting, being a total class clown talking shit to teachers etc. I was a good football player but that ended after expulsion.
I went to alternative school and got kicked out for drugs then went to the school for complete fuckups.
My criminal career was limited to shoplifting as a kid, also a little vandalism and a couple break ins.
My success with girls as a kid was pretty good (bad boy credentials) but none of the (brief) relationships were particularly meaningful, it was just degeneracy.
As a kid I was out of control, my parents tried but failed. If I end up with a wild son I would consider some hard intervention: bootcamp, boarding school, or up and move to the middle of the woods somewhere. Obviously raise them right and if outside forces (like our current society) fuck them up take strong action to stop things from going bad.
For parents, I'd say for myself (and probably others) biggest warning sign: Look at who the kids hanging out with. I was a real bright child but I went from the future engineers and doctors to the future felons and single mothers.
In my late teens (around 17/18) I started hanging with older criminals and took on the criminal mindset: If I don't know you, fuck you. This was not difficult because I was drugged up and mentality was twisted from my bad middle school experience.
A little on drugs (effects, dangers, warning signs.)
PCP
This was my favorite, as soon as I smoked some or sniffed a line I would jump out of my seat and yell something like "BOW DOWN BITCH!" It made me feel like the Incredible Hulk. It altered my perception, the size of things changed so I would feel like I was towering over the city or nearly touching the moon. It also led to delusions, my last period of use I thought I was the final prophet sent to warn of the impending doomsday.
The downsides are it made me crazy and agressive, I punched a lot of people in the face for no reason.
It also erased my conscience so I was essentially a psychopath at that time.
The warning signs to look for with this drug and similar include: blank stare, slow reaction (answering a question a second or two late,) stuttering at times with chronic use, walking with a strange gait, and in case of overdose wild aggression, ranting and raving.
Uppers/Opiates/Benzos
These are good to avoid, you never know if you'll get caught up. Habits can run hundreds a day.
Warning signs:
Uppers: talking quickly and excessively, moving about quickly, at times paranoid appearance (glancing about the room, breaking eye contact too much.)
Opiates: falling asleep sitting down, slurred voice, droopy eyelids, itching and scratching
Benzos: If someones on these you will see it, no need to list these.
If you have kids and also prescription drugs, lock them up and if there seem to be some missing your kid may be on a bad path.
LSD/Mushrooms
These are harmless for most but if you have latent schizophrenia you will go insane. Also turns some people neurotic. Russian roulette.
(Warning signs: obvious. But excessive goofiness, laughter, strange abstract ideas spoken, or looking around like they are baffled.)
Weed
Harmless for most, but similar to LSD Mushrooms can trigger latent psychosis. I still use weed (nighttime only when I'm doing music) and am able to hold down a job and be productive at home (I make music, lift weights, have a social life etc.)
Warning signs: smell, paraphernalia, acting stupid, Bob Marley music, stereotypical stoner types for friends, weed leaf pictures anywhere.
I can't drink, I consider it a hard drug and tend to down a fifth (probably an alcoholic.) Putting down the booze is more recent, I was doing 1-4 times a month (binge drinking.)
Crime
For low-level, non-organized crime the people involved generally look for opportunity. (After all, if it was hard why not just work.)
Example of things that will get you victimized: Leaving something expensive in plain view in an unlocked car, wearing headphones and looking at your phone while walking in an isolated place or bad neighborhood at 2am, giving your money to someone for something that's "around the corner."
Basically, if you live in a community with a drug or crime problem, people like I used to be are looking for the most money, least work and least risk, with no consideration of right and wrong.
On a societal level, I would say I was given at least 2 too many slaps on the wrist.
Jails/Institutions
The jail I went to was easy and I had a lot of friends there. County jail is not a big deal, no one is there for very long, state prison is where people get raped and shit. Main issue is boredom, and you need to fight if someone is stepping on your toes. The racism wasn't bad, I spend a lot of time in the local black community and several men from my town were there, we didn't suddenly hate each other. I did a little hustling with hoarding food, but I have a large middle class family and had money available in canteen. Damn near everyone gets parole.
On parole I was still a fuck up so I used kratom and k2 (synthetic weed) to get around wizz tests.
(Institutions prelude)
Some drugs can lead to drug induced psychosis. Uppers are considered the worst for this, but Dissociative anesthetics (PCP, ketamine, DXM, etc) do this too, generally if used for more than 1 day in a row or any regular use.
I became delusional many times on PCP, also hallucinations. It is essentially temporary schizophrenia.
My delusions generally painted me as a prophet or messiah figure, and armaggedon was always around the corner. I went to hospitals many times, private hospitals for 2 week stints and 2 state hospitals (I started in one got sent to another) for an extensive period, close to a year and a half.
Institutions
Private Hospital
The private hospitals suck, but stays are almost never long. I used to just clown around and flirt with any cute girls.
At many of these it is possible to sneak in a quick hook up if you plan right.
In the psych ward if you get hostile they strap you to a table and inject you with drugs. I never had this happen because I can control myself sober.
They give you all types of medication that makes you feel awful.
The nurses are often hot but eye candy (psych patient is about the lowest status a man can be.)
There's a thing in my state called a 3 day, you sign it and in 3 days they release you or commit you. I didn't use these because I was never there long.
State Hospitals
The state hospital is a whole nother ballpark. This is for people who have been committed. Full blown schizophrenics mostly who have done something violent or other crime.
I started at Bridgewater State Hospital for criminal nutcases. At the time this was a torture chamber (I'm exaggerating slightly) , a few years later the abuse was in the paper and everyone working there got fired. I got transferred to an easier state hospital fairly quickly.
There were rapists, pedophiles, murderers, woman beaters, girls who had dozens of suicide attempts, etc.
I got committed because I did a crime and passed out at the scene on xanax with police already in route, and I had smoked PCP almost every day for a year and was utterly bonkers. I was found incompetent to stand trial (when I was released charges were dropped.)
In the state hospital all I got to say is watch your back. There were people who yelled shit like "THEY'RE STICKING ME WITH NEEDLES!" People who sat on the toilet all day and yelled "I CAN'T SHIT!" Sexual predators (one said "would you look down on me if I told you I raped a little boy?)
There was one other normal guy I teamed up with (got each others back.) I got into a few physical altercations for my space being violated (give me 5 feet.) I was friendly with the staff and the guards so there were basically no consequences.
The girls were awful at the one I went to. (4 and down.)
At the state hospital I was at (and many others) they gradually give you freedom where you can walk around on the grounds and stuff (if you hit it off with a broad good for some fun, and I would fuck anything over 4 after a while in these places. I wasn't the only one doing this.)
After the state hospital I was done with crime. It took me a while to re-establish a life (I only knew dirty money) but with God's help I'm doing alright.
I don't know what I would have done differently, I was a confused kid didn't know what the hell I was getting into. My main mistake was not telling my dad about my problems with other kids for over a year (he told me without hesitation "punch them in the face" which would have prevented a lot of rage from building up inside had I done it from the start.)
I think the traditional military school type intervention would have been the best for me, or the family moving to the woods and homeschooling me once I had become troubled.
Right now, as a man what's been working for me is really just not holding anything back and being open and honest with my friends and family, and if I have a problem addressing it immediately. I am who I am, and being true to yourself breeds confidence.
(Thanks Leonard D for acting as editor, my first draft was an embarrassment .)
I may or may not ghost depending on my free time. PMs welcome either way. PM for some of my music, I'll do google drive or something.
Peace, God be with you.
(Edit: I realize this could be damaging to my reputation if I'm unmasked. The business I'm launching in my would likely be greatly helped by notoriety.)
Anyway, this is basically about some aspects of my past involving drug addiction and crime that hopefully provide some insight on those topics as a whole.
Right now I'm moderately successful, doing better than paycheck to paycheck and enjoying life, and I've returned to the friendly, easy going guy I was before things went wrong (or when I made the wrong choices to be precise.) God has returned me to sanity, and lifting weights and making music keeps me focused.
Several years ago I had some things happen, or signs, that led me to have absolute faith that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.
Before this I was a moral relativist. Without the Ten Commandments and other guidelines from God I could justify almost anything that didn't involve violence (and even some levels of that.)
I pray every day throughout the day whenever tempted, the main thing I pray on is if my mind state is bad (anxious, rage etc.)
I don't ask God for any physical things (praying for money etc) just for guidance.
As far as keeping busy/focused:
I tried AA but didn't like it, I smoke weed a few times a week (I was a PCP addict, junkie etc which I'll get to) and they are absolutists, I also didn't like the social atmosphere (it's too much drama all around.)
There is a men's only meeting I stop by 2-4 times a month just to hear about people messing up (woman don't add to AA meetings)
The main coping skills for me are lifting weights and making music.
Lifting weights has an antidepressant effect for me, raises T all around it's just awesome. Unfortunately I've been dealing with a shoulder injury for 6 months so I'm limited to leg machines at the moment (can't put bar on my shoulder to squat.) But doing a massive amount of reps on those is passable for now.
After being released from my last jail/institution I got a drum machine and started making music (I use software called Reason now.) In the beginning I put 6 hours in damn near every day, I still do 2-6 nearly every night.
It's been great for me, my social circle is mostly other musicians and it keeps me out of trouble.
On songs where I do the vocals I tend to talk about the period of my life where I was a psychotic criminal but I have stopped that as of recent (it's tasteless/somewhat hypocritical) and leave the vocals to others.
THE DARK AGE
I have a great, large extended family. I was a happy go lucky kid until 6th grade.
In 6th and 7th grade I was bullied at a private school I was going for for football. For whatever reason I didn't fit in, might have been a class thing (athletic scholarship.) This planted seeds of misanthropy and hatred for society that I began to act on in 8th grade when I started to grow rapidly. (eventually reaching 6'3".)
In 8th grade I was suspended a couple times for mashing people out and expelled for stealing.
In 9th grade I started experimenting with drugs, marijuana and DXM (a dissociative anaesthetic, same class as PCP and ketamine found in OTC cough syrup.)
My parents screwed up here, they may not have seen signs but strict intervention would have probably done some good. They didn't really catch on for a year or more.
I got kicked out of high school in 9th grade for being a jackass all year. Fighting, being a total class clown talking shit to teachers etc. I was a good football player but that ended after expulsion.
I went to alternative school and got kicked out for drugs then went to the school for complete fuckups.
My criminal career was limited to shoplifting as a kid, also a little vandalism and a couple break ins.
My success with girls as a kid was pretty good (bad boy credentials) but none of the (brief) relationships were particularly meaningful, it was just degeneracy.
As a kid I was out of control, my parents tried but failed. If I end up with a wild son I would consider some hard intervention: bootcamp, boarding school, or up and move to the middle of the woods somewhere. Obviously raise them right and if outside forces (like our current society) fuck them up take strong action to stop things from going bad.
For parents, I'd say for myself (and probably others) biggest warning sign: Look at who the kids hanging out with. I was a real bright child but I went from the future engineers and doctors to the future felons and single mothers.
In my late teens (around 17/18) I started hanging with older criminals and took on the criminal mindset: If I don't know you, fuck you. This was not difficult because I was drugged up and mentality was twisted from my bad middle school experience.
A little on drugs (effects, dangers, warning signs.)
PCP
This was my favorite, as soon as I smoked some or sniffed a line I would jump out of my seat and yell something like "BOW DOWN BITCH!" It made me feel like the Incredible Hulk. It altered my perception, the size of things changed so I would feel like I was towering over the city or nearly touching the moon. It also led to delusions, my last period of use I thought I was the final prophet sent to warn of the impending doomsday.
The downsides are it made me crazy and agressive, I punched a lot of people in the face for no reason.
It also erased my conscience so I was essentially a psychopath at that time.
The warning signs to look for with this drug and similar include: blank stare, slow reaction (answering a question a second or two late,) stuttering at times with chronic use, walking with a strange gait, and in case of overdose wild aggression, ranting and raving.
Uppers/Opiates/Benzos
These are good to avoid, you never know if you'll get caught up. Habits can run hundreds a day.
Warning signs:
Uppers: talking quickly and excessively, moving about quickly, at times paranoid appearance (glancing about the room, breaking eye contact too much.)
Opiates: falling asleep sitting down, slurred voice, droopy eyelids, itching and scratching
Benzos: If someones on these you will see it, no need to list these.
If you have kids and also prescription drugs, lock them up and if there seem to be some missing your kid may be on a bad path.
LSD/Mushrooms
These are harmless for most but if you have latent schizophrenia you will go insane. Also turns some people neurotic. Russian roulette.
(Warning signs: obvious. But excessive goofiness, laughter, strange abstract ideas spoken, or looking around like they are baffled.)
Weed
Harmless for most, but similar to LSD Mushrooms can trigger latent psychosis. I still use weed (nighttime only when I'm doing music) and am able to hold down a job and be productive at home (I make music, lift weights, have a social life etc.)
Warning signs: smell, paraphernalia, acting stupid, Bob Marley music, stereotypical stoner types for friends, weed leaf pictures anywhere.
I can't drink, I consider it a hard drug and tend to down a fifth (probably an alcoholic.) Putting down the booze is more recent, I was doing 1-4 times a month (binge drinking.)
Crime
For low-level, non-organized crime the people involved generally look for opportunity. (After all, if it was hard why not just work.)
Example of things that will get you victimized: Leaving something expensive in plain view in an unlocked car, wearing headphones and looking at your phone while walking in an isolated place or bad neighborhood at 2am, giving your money to someone for something that's "around the corner."
Basically, if you live in a community with a drug or crime problem, people like I used to be are looking for the most money, least work and least risk, with no consideration of right and wrong.
On a societal level, I would say I was given at least 2 too many slaps on the wrist.
Jails/Institutions
The jail I went to was easy and I had a lot of friends there. County jail is not a big deal, no one is there for very long, state prison is where people get raped and shit. Main issue is boredom, and you need to fight if someone is stepping on your toes. The racism wasn't bad, I spend a lot of time in the local black community and several men from my town were there, we didn't suddenly hate each other. I did a little hustling with hoarding food, but I have a large middle class family and had money available in canteen. Damn near everyone gets parole.
On parole I was still a fuck up so I used kratom and k2 (synthetic weed) to get around wizz tests.
(Institutions prelude)
Some drugs can lead to drug induced psychosis. Uppers are considered the worst for this, but Dissociative anesthetics (PCP, ketamine, DXM, etc) do this too, generally if used for more than 1 day in a row or any regular use.
I became delusional many times on PCP, also hallucinations. It is essentially temporary schizophrenia.
My delusions generally painted me as a prophet or messiah figure, and armaggedon was always around the corner. I went to hospitals many times, private hospitals for 2 week stints and 2 state hospitals (I started in one got sent to another) for an extensive period, close to a year and a half.
Institutions
Private Hospital
The private hospitals suck, but stays are almost never long. I used to just clown around and flirt with any cute girls.
At many of these it is possible to sneak in a quick hook up if you plan right.
In the psych ward if you get hostile they strap you to a table and inject you with drugs. I never had this happen because I can control myself sober.
They give you all types of medication that makes you feel awful.
The nurses are often hot but eye candy (psych patient is about the lowest status a man can be.)
There's a thing in my state called a 3 day, you sign it and in 3 days they release you or commit you. I didn't use these because I was never there long.
State Hospitals
The state hospital is a whole nother ballpark. This is for people who have been committed. Full blown schizophrenics mostly who have done something violent or other crime.
I started at Bridgewater State Hospital for criminal nutcases. At the time this was a torture chamber (I'm exaggerating slightly) , a few years later the abuse was in the paper and everyone working there got fired. I got transferred to an easier state hospital fairly quickly.
There were rapists, pedophiles, murderers, woman beaters, girls who had dozens of suicide attempts, etc.
I got committed because I did a crime and passed out at the scene on xanax with police already in route, and I had smoked PCP almost every day for a year and was utterly bonkers. I was found incompetent to stand trial (when I was released charges were dropped.)
In the state hospital all I got to say is watch your back. There were people who yelled shit like "THEY'RE STICKING ME WITH NEEDLES!" People who sat on the toilet all day and yelled "I CAN'T SHIT!" Sexual predators (one said "would you look down on me if I told you I raped a little boy?)
There was one other normal guy I teamed up with (got each others back.) I got into a few physical altercations for my space being violated (give me 5 feet.) I was friendly with the staff and the guards so there were basically no consequences.
The girls were awful at the one I went to. (4 and down.)
At the state hospital I was at (and many others) they gradually give you freedom where you can walk around on the grounds and stuff (if you hit it off with a broad good for some fun, and I would fuck anything over 4 after a while in these places. I wasn't the only one doing this.)
After the state hospital I was done with crime. It took me a while to re-establish a life (I only knew dirty money) but with God's help I'm doing alright.
I don't know what I would have done differently, I was a confused kid didn't know what the hell I was getting into. My main mistake was not telling my dad about my problems with other kids for over a year (he told me without hesitation "punch them in the face" which would have prevented a lot of rage from building up inside had I done it from the start.)
I think the traditional military school type intervention would have been the best for me, or the family moving to the woods and homeschooling me once I had become troubled.
Right now, as a man what's been working for me is really just not holding anything back and being open and honest with my friends and family, and if I have a problem addressing it immediately. I am who I am, and being true to yourself breeds confidence.
(Thanks Leonard D for acting as editor, my first draft was an embarrassment .)
I may or may not ghost depending on my free time. PMs welcome either way. PM for some of my music, I'll do google drive or something.
Peace, God be with you.
(Edit: I realize this could be damaging to my reputation if I'm unmasked. The business I'm launching in my would likely be greatly helped by notoriety.)
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![[Image: 448449306_66da4ce7ae_z.jpg?zz=1]](https://farm1.staticflickr.com/225/448449306_66da4ce7ae_z.jpg?zz=1)
