On Hobbies
03-12-2018, 04:28 AM
I'm by no means an authority, but in my recent dating experience, I realised it does pay to hold a somewhat masculine frame.
By that I mean, at the very least, keep it positive. Don't complain about your life at all, because I think that can seriously lead to a chick thinking you're a loser. In my experience, I met this girl recently, and I must have been complaining without evening realising. Maybe sharing my challenges more than anything, but in her eyes I came across as negative and ultimately not confident enough.
It was pretty much a watershed moment for me. Beforehand I had just gone on dates, some worked, some didn't. Although I never had a strategy for how to present myself. I always bought into that 'be open' vibe. I realised this particular girl probably saw herself as having a high SMV, and her mind, I wasn't portraying the lifestyle or the attitude she wanted. And you know what, I can't argue with that.
Anyway, since than, I realised I need to make some modifications on my most recent date. At the very least, holding a positive frame. I talk up my career a bit without going over the top, try and display some enthusiasm, and likewise, talk up my sports and hobbies a bit and keep it positive. As soon as you start sharing your difficulties in a sort of stream of consciousness style, see it as over. I learnt that the hard way, and to be honest, I'm grateful as that's often the best way to learn. I guess this stuff is in theory quite self explanatory, but not always easy to put into action on a date, unless you have a wake-up call, like I did.
It's also things like, instead of telling her I still live at home with my brother, I tell her I live with my brother, and I don't tell her that I really want to move out of home. I just tell her that I'm planning to move to a different part of the city in a couple of months. So I'm just changing the angle a little bit, so what I say doesn't come across as insecure, but more grounded and confident in myself.
I had this mini Epiphany, that this whole time, I was going around using this sort of language where I was seeking validation for my lifestyle. The way I described things, was like I was never completely owning what I was doing, but instead would be seeking their validation without even fully realising it. Stuff like saying, I am doing this, but I'm not sure, or I like that, but I'm not sure about that. It sounds crazy but it had become this habit of speaking that displayed low self confidence and a yearning to be validated by that other person.
Instead, the new language I want to use is showing a self confidence in the way I live my life. I do this, I do that. I like that, I don't like that. Without the insecure tag of, but I'm not totally sure etc, and without the habit of feeling I have to verbally justify myself after making any kind of statement, like adding, 'but I'll see how it goes', or 'I'm only doing it because of X' or 'I'm not sure if I'll continue'. That sort of thing.
Now I'm trying to say, 'I've started X, its awesome. I really enjoy x part, this part was also really fun'. Immediately the statement becomes more enjoyable. You can relate to the excitement of the hobby, and appreciate the sense of fun that person is having. The listener is then going to be bouncing of that statement, instead of being on a downer listening to your insecure statement about 'I started X, it's fun, but I'm not sure about it, because of X.' Totally different ballgame!
I'm not totally there yet, and I'll always be learning. But it seems I learnt a good lesson in recent weeks.
Thinking about it all, the obvious thing is that the more fun and positive your actual life is, the more that will come across. But in the meantime, you need to change your perspective about your own life to a more fun and positive one to give the right vibe, even if your hobbies and lifestyle is unchanged, you have to change up your story about yourself to a much more positive, confident one.