[ZappBrannigan]

Some background information:

35 years old living in a small town in the boons. I've been in 2 long term relationships, 10 years and 5. The more recent one of 5 years came to an end a few months ago. It was not a healthy relationship, she was mentally abusive, controlling and insanely jealous. I kept clinging onto it because I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety. Found out she had been living a double life (not sure to what extent), the people at her work knew me as her ex-boyfriend and apparently she had something going with someone there.

This really fucked me up, my self-esteem and self-worth were already in the dumps to begin with. She managed to rip open old wounds that had already mostly healed.

I had a difficult childhood and adolescence. Was bullied at school constantly and at home had mentally abusive parents (my mom was severely mentally ill and was institutionalized for long periods). Grew up with a very distorted self-image and my whole life was just a big battle to seek validation and comfort from other people. Found that with my first girlfriend at 19, that lasted for 10 years until it fell apart. Had started drinking to self-medicate at that point.

Most of my life has been a struggle with anxiety, fear and depression. I have never wanted to give up though, always seeking a way out. A way to better myself and rise above my problems. It has given me great insight into myself and my inner workings but it also put my living firmly in my head as I have been left to my own devices to figure out how the world works.

The last fall after the shit hit the fan with my ex I was at my lowest point ever. I had let her slowly break me and was left with almost nothing. I came crashing down hard and had to check in to a mental hospital for a week.

Been slowly building myself since then and starting to get back on my feet again. I've immersed myself in literature and going to AA meetings several times a week, also hitting the gym as often as I can and participating in every social event I can.

I'm at the point now where I'm finally starting to let go of my own little world inside my head, my ego that's been poisoning me. I've noticed a huge improvement in people around me, how they react to me. This is my mission now, to break out of my shell and learn to truly be myself no matter who I'm with.

I do alright in most social situations but with women I still have a huge wall around me. I've realized I need to fix this if I'm to become complete and satisfied. I never want to put myself into the situation again where I cling to someone just because I'm scared of being alone. Or being alone and giving up on trying because I think I'm worthless.

I need a strategy now on how to learn this skill set. Have read a lot (too much probably) and the theory aspect is pretty clear. Now is the time to start taking action and put myself out there. This is were I'm stumbling now. As I mentioned I live in a small town with 1 nightclub so I'm going to have to travel somewhere else to practice for a start at least, don't wanna poop where I eat so to speak. Going out late at week nights is also not feasible as I start work very early in the morning. Also going sober to a nightclub feels like an immovable mountain right now. I'm thinking about starting at a mall (it's 80km away) and maybe taking the train to a bigger city.

I do have some things going for me:
-I'm pretty decent looking and well built with a muscular frame
-I enjoy humor a lot and am a naturally funny guy
-I'm passionate and intelligent, I'm good at reading other peoples emotions (I think at least lol)
-I play the guitar at a very advanced level

The big sticking points:
-I have massive difficulties projecting my personality and real self to strangers or aquaintances
-The self-talk in my head is very strong and can easily overwhelm me
-The fear of rejection and failure
-Overly sensitive and attached to outcomes

I would really appreciate some feedback, if someone has some thoughts on this? Something I should consider?

[Noir]

It sounds like you are great, on paper, just facing a few internal obstacles.

I won't give you game advice but rather some tips to sort yourself out so that the application of game will be more natural.

Try Jordan Peterson's Self Authoring program. Specifically, the past section will help you address the rooted issues you speak of and it's cathartic to write it down.

The future section will allow you to set an action plan for you to go ahead.

Otherwise, disposing of your reliance on your ego for self-esteem; if it's anchored to other person's ideas of yourself then you are setting yourself up for a cycle of failure.

Wake up and do some affirmations, daily. Do them in the car, on the treadmill, on the shitter.

NLP can also help with this as it helped me.

Every single problem you described is fear. Fear of rejection, non-acceptance, non-conformity and judgment.

You need to overcome this by putting yourself in tough spots and persevering; when you succeed it will become a reference point for future success.

Focus on having fun and the elimination of expectations out of this. Take it as it comes and see in what way, approaching women and including them in your life would be the most pleasurable for both you and them.

Play to your strengths.

Glass half empty: I am fearful because I need to step into a realm I am not confident in

Glass half full: I am a funny, enjoyable character who is handsome and willing to bring women into my own realm

If you act within your own domain and impose this on the world, your fear will disappear as you need to start with your own territory.

Invite women into your own world instead of fearing being rejected in theirs.

Think about a time you were really confident. A time something really worked out for you. Re-live this experience. Consider what went right; why were you so confident and fearless?

What feelings did this evoke? Focus on this and visualize yourself bringing others into this space.

What was the catalyst? What was the environment? Break this down and experiment but always have the confident memory as an anchor for you to refer back to and aim to re-establish.

I have done some unorthodox things to do this such as taking MDMA and writing notes on the rush and lowered my inhibitions.

If you do rely on alcohol or anything of the sort, use it as an experiment to replicate in your normal life.

As for your emotional state of mind, eat clean, sleep well and exercise.

Find out what gives you a purpose outside of women. Wake up thinking about this and excited to go forth and enjoy your purpose.

When you figure this out, you become attractive and can bring others into this vibe.

Women are great at picking up on vibes and if yours is fake, incongruent or you don't feel comfortable around them, they respond to this.

Remember, women respond to whatever you put out there.

My apologies if this comes off as esoteric but print this out, work with it and have fun with it.

Your body language will change, your self-talk will change and your internal compass will be focused to what is best for you, if you allow it to.

[DamienCasanova]

You need to get a hobby. Pursue knowledge and greatness at something besides chasing women, like playing music, writing, drawing, playing a sport, working out, or learning a new skill and making a lot of money. Find your passion for something besides a woman, and the women will come find you.

[Jetset]

I agree about the hobbies.

Start working a few different angles. Read up on GTD/Getting Things Done, the different "horizons of focus" to build a perspective on what your agenda really is.

https://gettingthingsdone.com/2011/01/th...-of-focus/

Learn a useful language on DuoLingo or study a dead one because you think it's interesting, get a workout program going, pick a thick book to work on, choose an epic hike somewhere, take a class (dance, impressionist painting, whatever you want), do some tutorials for things you can use at work, carve out a little dedicated time to keep your guitar skills fresh. Getting organized and getting productive on some things you've always wanted for yourself will make you feel busy and efficient.

If you fill your time with your own progress, having things to say when you meet women is going to come a lot more easily.

[ZappBrannigan]

(01-24-2018 02:43 AM)Noir Wrote:  

It sounds like you are great, on paper, just facing a few internal obstacles.

I won't give you game advice but rather some tips to sort yourself out so that the application of game will be more natural.

Try Jordan Peterson's Self Authoring program. Specifically, the past section will help you address the rooted issues you speak of and it's cathartic to write it down.

The future section will allow you to set an action plan for you to go ahead.

Otherwise, disposing of your reliance on your ego for self-esteem; if it's anchored to other person's ideas of yourself then you are setting yourself up for a cycle of failure.

Wake up and do some affirmations, daily. Do them in the car, on the treadmill, on the shitter.

NLP can also help with this as it helped me.

Every single problem you described is fear. Fear of rejection, non-acceptance, non-conformity and judgment.

You need to overcome this by putting yourself in tough spots and persevering; when you succeed it will become a reference point for future success.

Focus on having fun and the elimination of expectations out of this. Take it as it comes and see in what way, approaching women and including them in your life would be the most pleasurable for both you and them.

Play to your strengths.

Glass half empty: I am fearful because I need to step into a realm I am not confident in

Glass half full: I am a funny, enjoyable character who is handsome and willing to bring women into my own realm

If you act within your own domain and impose this on the world, your fear will disappear as you need to start with your own territory.

Invite women into your own world instead of fearing being rejected in theirs.

Think about a time you were really confident. A time something really worked out for you. Re-live this experience. Consider what went right; why were you so confident and fearless?

What feelings did this evoke? Focus on this and visualize yourself bringing others into this space.

What was the catalyst? What was the environment? Break this down and experiment but always have the confident memory as an anchor for you to refer back to and aim to re-establish.

I have done some unorthodox things to do this such as taking MDMA and writing notes on the rush and lowered my inhibitions.

If you do rely on alcohol or anything of the sort, use it as an experiment to replicate in your normal life.

As for your emotional state of mind, eat clean, sleep well and exercise.

Find out what gives you a purpose outside of women. Wake up thinking about this and excited to go forth and enjoy your purpose.

When you figure this out, you become attractive and can bring others into this vibe.

Women are great at picking up on vibes and if yours is fake, incongruent or you don't feel comfortable around them, they respond to this.

Remember, women respond to whatever you put out there.

My apologies if this comes off as esoteric but print this out, work with it and have fun with it.

Your body language will change, your self-talk will change and your internal compass will be focused to what is best for you, if you allow it to.

Thank you, I'm going to look into Jordan Peterson's program. I've read 'The Power Of Now' by Eckhart Tolle several times and it's been great for me. Also been binge watching RSD videos (mostly the self-help ones), listening to 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F'ck' in the car at work. Going to AA meetings and working the 12-step program also does wonders (to those who are not familiar with it it's pretty much built around letting go of the ego and accepting the past and yourself). Talking openly about my fears and feelings to a group of people is also a great tool to crack that protective shell. Apart from that I'm working on watching and listening to my inner state throughout the day.

I do have a firm grasp of who I am and what I want inside, the big problem is fear as you said. Not being able to project the real me to the world. It is getting better though all the time as I gain more clarity. Still a long way to go but things have changed in such a way that I no longer believe I could never be like that, it feels attainable and reasonable now.

I practice doing and saying things every day that I feel resistance to. That resistance is my compass, it helps me see what I really want. My past behaviour has mostly been reaction and acceptance seeking. These are mostly small things like noticing that I overthink something like ordering food for example.

Drugs and alcohol are out of the question as I've abused them, they did help me free myself and open up but led to a whole new hell. Left that behind and accepted that they are not for me.

I've also stopped reading the news and wasting time on pointless internet sites (also stopped porn). Go the gym and swimming afterwards 3 times a week, weekends I go out walking/hiking. Still struggling with eating well and smoking but one thing at a time.

Thank you for the insights.

[ZappBrannigan]

(01-24-2018 02:56 AM)DamienCasanova Wrote:  

You need to get a hobby. Pursue knowledge and greatness at something besides chasing women, like playing music, writing, drawing, playing a sport, working out, or learning a new skill and making a lot of money. Find your passion for something besides a woman, and the women will come find you.

I do have hobbies, I play classical and electric guitar and compose. Working out, bowling, discgolf, metal detecting, studying anything I find interesting (nature, science, philosophy).

After being in recovery for my addiction I've also gotten a passion for helping other people. My future plan is getting back to school and studying that, first I need to get my own feet firmly grounded.

My quest right now is to become free of my fears towards women. To be able to really show who I am and what I want to women I meet, then let the chips fall where they may. I'm not striving to have my life revolve around getting women, just don't want to let the opportunities fly by when I meet someone I like because I was stuck inside my own secret little world. In the past I've known many women who showed clear interest but I was paralyzed and not able to do anything. My 2 LTR's was mostly not my doing but luck and prolonged proximity.

[arsenal2000]

[
My quest right now is to become free of my fears towards women. To be able to really show who I am and what I want to women I meet, then let the chips fall where they may. I'm not striving to have my life revolve around getting women, just don't want to let the opportunities fly by when I meet someone I like because I was stuck inside my own secret little world. In the past I've known many women who showed clear interest but I was paralyzed and not able to do anything. My 2 LTR's was mostly not my doing but luck and prolonged proximity.
[/quote]

Hi had a couple of suggestions to make . try doing this practice that I saw in Maniach highs pick up guide.whenever I go through this phase where I do not feel like approaching woman it gets me back to approaching and talking to woman. http://www.pickupguide.com/deshy.htm
wanted to share it with you in case it helps.

the other suggestion I have is go to meet up groups , couch surfing etc. when you meet woman in groups where they have Come to socialize normally their bitch shields are down and if this is a group with a lot of interest in common it makes it easy to talk to . I use this as an easy way to interact and build up my social skills .

In my personal experience more than what you read in books etc it is real life interactions that will help improvise these skills .

[heavy]

If you can find a good psychologist, or even just a person you can talk your shit through, do that. Hell, find someone on here to meet up with, or even have regular phone calls with.

Talking through your things (insecurities, fear, anxiety, depression) will make it more tangible and easier to see it as simple emotions rather than a fixed part of you. Probably even typing up your post helped.

It'll also help you not dump any of these issues on your next woman.

Quote:

-I play the guitar at a very advanced level

This stood out. There has to be places (cities) within driving distance you can offer your talent and hard work to the world. Don't let your time, energy, and God-given ability be wasted on the walls of your home. People want to hear you. Go offer that up. Plus, chicks dig it.

[realRichardJohnson]

You should focus on inner game before anything else. I usually think therapy and doctors are a waste of time but if your inner situation is as bad as you've made it out to be then you should get that part of your life sorted out first.

Also, I'm a huge advocate of big cities. You can only game so much when you live in a small town with little to nothing to do and intense social circle pressure on girls.

Best of luck

Richard "Dick" Johnson