Some background information:
35 years old living in a small town in the boons. I've been in 2 long term relationships, 10 years and 5. The more recent one of 5 years came to an end a few months ago. It was not a healthy relationship, she was mentally abusive, controlling and insanely jealous. I kept clinging onto it because I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety. Found out she had been living a double life (not sure to what extent), the people at her work knew me as her ex-boyfriend and apparently she had something going with someone there.
This really fucked me up, my self-esteem and self-worth were already in the dumps to begin with. She managed to rip open old wounds that had already mostly healed.
I had a difficult childhood and adolescence. Was bullied at school constantly and at home had mentally abusive parents (my mom was severely mentally ill and was institutionalized for long periods). Grew up with a very distorted self-image and my whole life was just a big battle to seek validation and comfort from other people. Found that with my first girlfriend at 19, that lasted for 10 years until it fell apart. Had started drinking to self-medicate at that point.
Most of my life has been a struggle with anxiety, fear and depression. I have never wanted to give up though, always seeking a way out. A way to better myself and rise above my problems. It has given me great insight into myself and my inner workings but it also put my living firmly in my head as I have been left to my own devices to figure out how the world works.
The last fall after the shit hit the fan with my ex I was at my lowest point ever. I had let her slowly break me and was left with almost nothing. I came crashing down hard and had to check in to a mental hospital for a week.
Been slowly building myself since then and starting to get back on my feet again. I've immersed myself in literature and going to AA meetings several times a week, also hitting the gym as often as I can and participating in every social event I can.
I'm at the point now where I'm finally starting to let go of my own little world inside my head, my ego that's been poisoning me. I've noticed a huge improvement in people around me, how they react to me. This is my mission now, to break out of my shell and learn to truly be myself no matter who I'm with.
I do alright in most social situations but with women I still have a huge wall around me. I've realized I need to fix this if I'm to become complete and satisfied. I never want to put myself into the situation again where I cling to someone just because I'm scared of being alone. Or being alone and giving up on trying because I think I'm worthless.
I need a strategy now on how to learn this skill set. Have read a lot (too much probably) and the theory aspect is pretty clear. Now is the time to start taking action and put myself out there. This is were I'm stumbling now. As I mentioned I live in a small town with 1 nightclub so I'm going to have to travel somewhere else to practice for a start at least, don't wanna poop where I eat so to speak. Going out late at week nights is also not feasible as I start work very early in the morning. Also going sober to a nightclub feels like an immovable mountain right now. I'm thinking about starting at a mall (it's 80km away) and maybe taking the train to a bigger city.
I do have some things going for me:
-I'm pretty decent looking and well built with a muscular frame
-I enjoy humor a lot and am a naturally funny guy
-I'm passionate and intelligent, I'm good at reading other peoples emotions (I think at least lol)
-I play the guitar at a very advanced level
The big sticking points:
-I have massive difficulties projecting my personality and real self to strangers or aquaintances
-The self-talk in my head is very strong and can easily overwhelm me
-The fear of rejection and failure
-Overly sensitive and attached to outcomes
I would really appreciate some feedback, if someone has some thoughts on this? Something I should consider?
35 years old living in a small town in the boons. I've been in 2 long term relationships, 10 years and 5. The more recent one of 5 years came to an end a few months ago. It was not a healthy relationship, she was mentally abusive, controlling and insanely jealous. I kept clinging onto it because I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety. Found out she had been living a double life (not sure to what extent), the people at her work knew me as her ex-boyfriend and apparently she had something going with someone there.
This really fucked me up, my self-esteem and self-worth were already in the dumps to begin with. She managed to rip open old wounds that had already mostly healed.
I had a difficult childhood and adolescence. Was bullied at school constantly and at home had mentally abusive parents (my mom was severely mentally ill and was institutionalized for long periods). Grew up with a very distorted self-image and my whole life was just a big battle to seek validation and comfort from other people. Found that with my first girlfriend at 19, that lasted for 10 years until it fell apart. Had started drinking to self-medicate at that point.
Most of my life has been a struggle with anxiety, fear and depression. I have never wanted to give up though, always seeking a way out. A way to better myself and rise above my problems. It has given me great insight into myself and my inner workings but it also put my living firmly in my head as I have been left to my own devices to figure out how the world works.
The last fall after the shit hit the fan with my ex I was at my lowest point ever. I had let her slowly break me and was left with almost nothing. I came crashing down hard and had to check in to a mental hospital for a week.
Been slowly building myself since then and starting to get back on my feet again. I've immersed myself in literature and going to AA meetings several times a week, also hitting the gym as often as I can and participating in every social event I can.
I'm at the point now where I'm finally starting to let go of my own little world inside my head, my ego that's been poisoning me. I've noticed a huge improvement in people around me, how they react to me. This is my mission now, to break out of my shell and learn to truly be myself no matter who I'm with.
I do alright in most social situations but with women I still have a huge wall around me. I've realized I need to fix this if I'm to become complete and satisfied. I never want to put myself into the situation again where I cling to someone just because I'm scared of being alone. Or being alone and giving up on trying because I think I'm worthless.
I need a strategy now on how to learn this skill set. Have read a lot (too much probably) and the theory aspect is pretty clear. Now is the time to start taking action and put myself out there. This is were I'm stumbling now. As I mentioned I live in a small town with 1 nightclub so I'm going to have to travel somewhere else to practice for a start at least, don't wanna poop where I eat so to speak. Going out late at week nights is also not feasible as I start work very early in the morning. Also going sober to a nightclub feels like an immovable mountain right now. I'm thinking about starting at a mall (it's 80km away) and maybe taking the train to a bigger city.
I do have some things going for me:
-I'm pretty decent looking and well built with a muscular frame
-I enjoy humor a lot and am a naturally funny guy
-I'm passionate and intelligent, I'm good at reading other peoples emotions (I think at least lol)
-I play the guitar at a very advanced level
The big sticking points:
-I have massive difficulties projecting my personality and real self to strangers or aquaintances
-The self-talk in my head is very strong and can easily overwhelm me
-The fear of rejection and failure
-Overly sensitive and attached to outcomes
I would really appreciate some feedback, if someone has some thoughts on this? Something I should consider?