[augen sehen]

Well, I'm officially single again. This one lasted four years. I was looking back at our texts, saw a lot of animosity and I can see how that amped up after she saw my "dark side" on a seduction forum where I basically detailed how I was seeing two women at the same time, like I was some kind of boss dropping major knowledge *cringe*

Fuck, I really thought she was the one, I'm now single with nothing lined up. I wanted kids by now. Or soon.

Gotta charge it to the game. I couldn't keep taking the amount of shit that I was getting from her. Sneaking through my phone, went through my Dropbox to find some evidence that I was getting some on the side (I wasn't), even into my chats with family where I was talking about the ring I wanted to get her. I felt like I couldn't say anything to her because after all I did behave badly at the beginning. But it ate away at me. The last time she checked my phone after months of me studiously being the best boyfriend I could be, I h had enough.

Its been a month since I told her I couldn't handle her shit and she's been begging me to take her back, I think the fights will just continue after some short post-fight honeymoon period. Either that or she won't trust me to not leave her again, further exacerbating the trust issues we have... Err had. I think she's better off with some dude without the sour history.

Sucks though, I'm not much of a player. Every time I end up single it's like learning game for the first time. Maybe after a certain point of knowing there'll always be another girl, it reduces your ability to forgive things you otherwise would. The blame game. Blame the Game.

[kaotic]

How old are you ?

There is no "one" or "soul mate" but you CAN love a woman, and there's nothing wrong with that.

How the hell did she know or read about you dating two females at once !?

At that point it's neurotic paranoia central with her.

She OBVIOUSLY is insecure, to the point of creeping on everything you do.

You didn't do shit wrong in the beginning, she just wasn't worthy of you settling down in the beginning.


Things WILL get worse with her, she WILL become more stalkerish and crazy, you WILL fight with her more.

I agree, she's better off with someone else, you dodged a bullet my friend.


You don't need to be a player to have game or need it. Matter of fact, game saves lives, family, friends, fuck buddies, plates, relationships, etc.

There's ALWAYS new girls, there's ALWAYS better girls, there's ALWAYS hotter girls.


My advice to you is to cut off all possible contact if you cant, I'm talking social media, texting, apps, etc.

I hope you don't have anything together like joint bank accounts.


Lay low for awhile, hangout with friends, go lift, focus on your self.

[fitness2569]

Did you keep two in the kitty? Or will you have to start fresh?

[augen sehen]

A fresh start. I was trying to be the archetypal good boyfriend, even buying her flowers and taking her out to dinners time to time. When she wasn't complaining that I didn't do that enough. But I realized our relationship was becoming too one-sided, with her doing most of the complaining and me adjusting.

Kaotic: mid 30s

[astro]

You probably knew the exact moment when you started to realize the shit just wasn't going to work. Next time end it then and save yourself the grief. Boundaries are incredibly important.

[GreenHills]

It sucks to start all over again. A few things though:

. Being in a bad relationship is worse than being single.

. Imagine having kids with her. You're someone in their life. You teach them things, you love them and you build them as people. A divorce happens. The kids are now out of your influence and potentially a new dude can take your place. That would be heartbreaking.

. We're increasingly living in a society where people stay alone. You're not the only one and maintaining a relationship is not easy.

. Don't adjust too much for women. They'll always want more, until you become unhappy, at which point they get insecure about the relationship and things go sour.

. Dating two chicks might sound like a good deal, but I think it will weaken a relationship in your mind. I've dabbled with light infidelity and I feel like it's like little hits that weaken the main bond.

I'm curious - how did the relationship start? Did you see a good life time partner fit at the beginning, or was it more about passion? One problem that I have is that I'd start a relationship based on passion, but that doesn't sustain it well.

[Hypno]

Kaotic dropping wisdom and experience above. Re-read it.

[XXL]

Blame game? No man. You had enough of her bullshit. That is fine. Put yourself first cause nobody else will do it for you.

Now you have two choices..
1. Restart the game and chase girls trying to get them all to pick worthy one
2. Focus on your life/goals/etc and screen girls as you meet them

[Cumulonimbus]

Women gotta be women, drama is in their nature. I was on a similar situation a while ago and I agree with kaotic that it's not worth pursuing relationships like that. Also, as times goes by there are fewer keepers left so tighter game and screening is needed. Game truly saves life, starting with yours. Get up on your feet fast, dust off the past and start from scratch but by being wiser. Good luck man!

You might want to check out the no contact thread too
thread-52478.html

[mensch]

I know the sort of situation. Perhaps you are like me, and you don't particularly mind drama for its own sake, you feel you can deal with it, and that if there is love it's worth it.

What you have to realise that drama is just a side effect of things going sour either in the relationship itself or with her in general. The best way to get perspective is to think of what GreenHill said: imagine having children with her. You want a reasonable mother, with stability. The same thing you should want for yourself: somebody who will be stable and loving when the going gets tough.

Or you should game and stay single.

[kaotic]

(09-21-2017 03:02 AM)augen sehen Wrote:  

A fresh start. I was trying to be the archetypal good boyfriend, even buying her flowers and taking her out to dinners time to time. When she wasn't complaining that I didn't do that enough. But I realized our relationship was becoming too one-sided, with her doing most of the complaining and me adjusting.

Kaotic: mid 30s

You can be the "good boyfriend" but don't fool yourself into thinking you can relax or set into a routine. ALWAYS keep your tools (game) in the shed, but keep them sharp and ready to go.

Flowers and dinner are fine but you've got to be the MAN, the LEADER, the PUNISHER, in a relationship especially if she's giving you shit for it.

If she's complaining you don't do it enough, that means you've SPOILED her and have to reel it back.


In my entire life I can count how many times on two hands I've given flowers to a girl.

If she's bitching about things, and you have to constantly adjust - you've LOST in the relationship, and SHE has the POWER.


I'm around the same age as you, I have no desire having kids or getting married yet, hell I'm having second thoughts about this dirty blonde I'm seeing and things are escalating with. (we've barely known eachother 2 months)

Keep this as a reminder of a lesson learned, DON'T GET BACK WITH HER AND STOP TALKING TO HER.

astro has a great point of ejecting when your gut tells you to

GreenHills brings some insight one being your own man, good shit

XXL is absolutely right and needs to be reiterated

Cumulonimbus is spot on, women gonna women, and yes post in the do not contact thread, even just to vent, or if you're feeling lonely

[Rhyme or Reason]

(09-21-2017 03:31 AM)astro Wrote:  

You probably knew the exact moment when you started to realize the shit just wasn't going to work. Next time end it then and save yourself the grief. Boundaries are incredibly important.

So true, I've made this mistake too many times. The more in touch you are with your gut instinct, the less cognitive dissonance you'll have to deal with in life.

And cosign on everything Kaotic has said here.

Rvf is great

[Adonis]

(09-20-2017 06:50 PM)augen sehen Wrote:  

Every time I end up single it's like learning game for the first time.

The game never stops. It seems like you made the classic mistake of devoting everything to her and the idea of an equalist relationship at the expense of yourself. You made her the prize instead of yourself. It took a conscious effort for a long time from me to not sit back on my heels and stagnate when in an LTR. I mean everything, game, fitness, drive, you name it. You should be maintaining those things through the relationship so they don't atrophy. That way it keeps everyone (you and her) on their toes. You don't need to game on the side if you don't feel the want/need to, but she just needs to see that you could. Likewise, when you keep those skills sharp it will be tacitly understood by all parties that if things don't work out you won't be wasting any time moving on as a high value man with options.

You're mid 30's? Perfect place to be! You just need to screen much harder if an LTR is what you want, and if it doesn't feel right - eject. Part of having options is maintaining those standards and if someone doesn't meet them then they aren't worth the time to be frank. Definitely don't contact or respond to her. Focus on yourself for a time, hit a fitness goal or take a trip you've been holding off on taking. kaotic and others dropped some major wisdom bombs here, heed their advice.

[debeguiled]

Good thread title though.

[Mess O.]

Really great thread so far. Op's for real, and ready to learn and strive. A few of our major players bringing insight to the table.

[augen sehen]

Thanks for the comments everyone. Some great wisdom dropped here. She was very insecure, and when we were hashing it out at the end she mentioned it multiple times that she would have liked to see even more commitment, gestures, words from me to allay her fears and insecurities. Knowing your man was double-dipping at the beginning apparently does a number on a woman's self-esteem.

However, there are always two ways of talking or communicating something, and she took the angry/fighting mode way too often for my liking. I'm more the conflict-avoidant type personality, which made it hard. Learned this about myself thanks to her.

Quote:

Now you have two choices..
1. Restart the game and chase girls trying to get them all to pick worthy one
2. Focus on your life/goals/etc and screen girls as you meet them

Thanks, XXL. Both options are appealing to different sides of me. I don't actually want to pick one girl right away because I think it'll be a) hard to find someone to care about so soon after giving up on a LTR, and b) it'll probably be a rebound where I just attach my bf/relationship behaviors to a girl before she has earned them. I think I'll fly unattached for a while but game women and try to push boundaries with them, especially in terms of sexualizing the convo asap. That's my biggest sticking point, it's too easy for me to end up with female friends (that aren't really friends). Separate topic though.

Quote:

Women gotta be women, drama is in their nature.

Fully cosign on this. I just want a fresh start where at least her insecurities and drama are not backed up by hard evidence. Any woman who cares about me will be jealous and insecure at some point, it's the flipside of hypergamy. I just dont' want to see it as nasty behavior that pushes me away.

[Jetset]

(09-22-2017 05:41 AM)augen sehen Wrote:  

However, there are always two ways of talking or communicating something, and she took the angry/fighting mode way too often for my liking. I'm more the conflict-avoidant type personality, which made it hard.

This is a tough one to deal with, conflict-avoidant or not. You can't win by engaging with her.

One of the things to internalize is that you can't make another adult - especially a woman - happy, and if she's unhappy about things she can't control, it'll come out as turbulence elsewhere. "Elsewhere" usually means "the man she's fucking", since he's standing right there.

Her father could be dying of a terminal disease, but since she can't work on a cure, she'll scream at you because you left too many whiskers in the sink. This is a bottomless pit because you can't fix her life and you'll end up broken.

Almost anyone who observes their woman suddenly having a bunch of random problems that seemingly require the man's help is usually seeing some manifestation of this, and how he handles it sets the tone going forward. She's just plain not happy and it has nothing to do with him, but she'll be damned if he isn't going to catch hell for it.

[kaotic]

augen sehen good !

You're on the right path, a man needs to fly solo, be comfortable in his own skin, and then never change or forget who he is when a girl comes into his path.

Focus on yourself, do you, don't worry about women, and enjoy your life !

[Ski pro]

(09-21-2017 02:21 PM)Adonis Wrote:  

(09-20-2017 06:50 PM)augen sehen Wrote:  

Every time I end up single it's like learning game for the first time.

The game never stops. It seems like you made the classic mistake of devoting everything to her and the idea of an equalist relationship at the expense of yourself. You made her the prize instead of yourself. It took a conscious effort for a long time from me to not sit back on my heels and stagnate when in an LTR. I mean everything, game, fitness, drive, you name it. You should be maintaining those things through the relationship so they don't atrophy. That way it keeps everyone (you and her) on their toes. You don't need to game on the side if you don't feel the want/need to, but she just needs to see that you could. Likewise, when you keep those skills sharp it will be tacitly understood by all parties that if things don't work out you won't be wasting any time moving on as a high value man with options.

You're mid 30's? Perfect place to be! You just need to screen much harder if an LTR is what you want, and if it doesn't feel right - eject. Part of having options is maintaining those standards and if someone doesn't meet them then they aren't worth the time to be frank. Definitely don't contact or respond to her. Focus on yourself for a time, hit a fitness goal or take a trip you've been holding off on taking. kaotic and others dropped some major wisdom bombs here, heed their advice.

This. The game never stops, even in an LTR.

OP - once you're over all this, look up dread game, so you're prepped for the next time you're in this situation. Rollo had some good writing about it somewhere in his blog.

[augen sehen]

I feel like there was too much dread in this instance, like she was always afraid of every girl, to my detriment and to the detriment of the relationship.

[GreenHills]

(09-22-2017 08:27 PM)augen sehen Wrote:  

I feel like there was too much dread in this instance, like she was always afraid of every girl, to my detriment and to the detriment of the relationship.

Well, you might have had a girl with an "anxious" attachment style on your hands, so regardless of whether she caught you with another girl, she might need constant reassurance that you're going to be around. It's stressful, been there, done that.

Best to find someone who has a "secure" style of attachment, the kind of girl that doesn't freak out when you're out of town for a week or when you don't go out of your way to prove your commitment to her. Usually this kind of girl comes from a family with good parenting.

[augen sehen]

Thanks, your comment about attachment styles was quite useful. I think I'm an Avoidant/Dismissive type, which is the kryptonite to the anxious type. I read through a few articles which shed some more light on this situation.

Bought a Kindle book about this, now going to dig in.

[astro]

Beyond attachment style, you should also know how you think/feel and who your likely matches are.

I have a definite pattern in my life. I go through a lot of nexting girls after short flings, find one I click with, try to settle down (not becoming "beta"), then ultimately get fucking bored. It's because the initial intrigue wore off and I realize the gal isn't actually contributing anything to my life.

Part of it is me. Part of it is them.

If you delve in to the Myers Briggs (it's one personality test that has held up as a great predictor to me for the last decade or more).

You can take a version of it here: http://www.keys2cognition.com/explore.htm

I prefer this type over others as it focuses on cognitive functions vs just giving you a result. You have to be honest with yourself while taking it, don't think of your work or ideal self, but what your preferences are.

You'll then find likely compatible partners based on how both of you process information. You can compliment each other.

I am very, very aware of my types. It's really matter of finding those specific types that share my ideals and motivations... it will vary from person to person, but at least you have something more specific to aim for.

I'm not deluding myself to say the best gal I have been with is my current. Well over the "honeymoon" period and we continue to click. A good sign. Every failure I adjust. So at this point I am real fucking keen on what works for me.

I still want to fuck other chicks. That never goes away. Ever.

[Incubus]

All chicks do is bond
All chicks know what true love is
All chicks know 100% (into their DNA) what commitment is

IF a guy is unsure on a relationship or says the wrong things or acts in a funny way..the chick is on him (after self checking with her girlfriends)

The older a chick is, the more relationship failures she goes through the nuttier and more paranoid she (they) get. Actually it gets to the point where it seems the chick demands you love them. (tests)

At that point she already knows no matter how many hoops a guy jumps through (daily weekly monthly tests) to prove love she'll never believe it (relationships dead)

The relationships that can work is when a girl is so deeply in love with a (insincere) guy that she feels she stole him (usually happens when chicks are young) and she compensates forever because "he may of not been interested in her"

Which is opposite to a guy "picking a girl" filling her full of love/poetry/wine..then later doubting his intent...the chick then goes..gotcha..and everything falls apart.

Moral of the story...get a chick chasing you...then love is really blind.

[General Stalin]

If you ever have any inkling about staying involved with her, go here:

thread-52478.html

You should never be in a position where a broad is looking through your shit and undermining your trust and privacy like that. Never let a girl do that to you again. A female will always test her boundaries with you but you need to put your foot down when they reach said boundaries. Be a firm hand.

As Kaotic said, there is no such thing as a "soul mate" just women that you get along with better than others. There are tons of them out there and if you are the kind of guy that finds himself in the company of women regularly then you will likely find another one worth kicking it with very soon, if you were obliged to do so.

good job finally recognizing the ship was sinking and got out of it before it became life-ruining-bad.