[boss13]

I'm currently living with my mom but am considering living abroad. I've already traveled and lived abroad briefly, and found it had plusses and minuses compared to life in the US. It was certainly more adventurous, it was cool to immerse in foreign cultures, learn the local language, etc. If I moved abroad, I would teach math/science at a high school and then try to move to a decent international school. I would get 2-3 months of vacation to come back home

I could take up a teaching job to live abroad very soon, but I'm very concerned about my mom. She is widowed, not brainwashed by feminism, and is 60 years old. She's ok for now, as she has plenty of friends who see her weekly. Now that I'm older, I try to appreciate each moment I get spending time with her. However, if I leave her, I don't want to feel guilt if something happens to her and I'm 15 hours away by flight and can't see her immediately. For example, one time when I was abroad, our house got robbed and we were extremely lucky my mom wasn't there at the time and didn't get hurt

I don't really have any other family I would miss if I moved abroad. I don't even talk to my brother or cousins anymore

For those of you who moved abroad, how have you dealt with this?

[wi30]

Of course you love your mom and don't want anything bad to happen to her. But you can't let that hold you back.

I have an overbearing paranoid mom who freaks out every time I get on an airplane. She's cried every time I've moved, which at this point is at least a dozen times.

You weren't chosen to be born; that was her choice. She can't control what you want to do. Be respectful and make sure she is taken care of. Then follow your dreams.

[Kelent]

I have similar anxieties of living with an overbearing (but very well meaning) mother. I love her to death and thankfully my family is still together but as an only child I sort of feel like, as great as it is for me to get out of the house/ country, family concerns sometimes nag me. I recognize they, in my case, shouldn't.. but you never know. I'm definitely going to work hard and give back to my parents as a sign of respect (more than just doing the dishes.. maybe give us a dream vacation, my mother has always wanted to see crystal clear water), but in the end I don't think it should stop me from pursuing my dreams and travel ideas.

[boss13]

Just to clarify, my mom is not overbearing at all. She has assured me that she will be fine if I move abroad. She has encouraged me to pursue whatever I wish. It is my own worry for her that is causing my hesitation.

And yes, I want to give back to her as much as I can. I could make alot more money in the US with a lucrative job and would like to take her to vacations. I feel guilty that I've been to nice islands in SE Asia but she has never been to before

[Kona]

I'm not saying any things gonna happen, but just in case, make sure you got enough cash handy to get you home in a huryy if she needs you.

Get her on the face time or Skype and don't worry about it. The bitches think its cool when you are texting, and they don't have to know its your mom on the other end. Store moms name in your phone as "Tatiana model" or something dirty. Its OK.

Plus you got that vacation time to come back home.

Get out there and live your life kiddo. Have a good time.

Aloha!

[Soyouz]

Never plan your life based on a worst case scenario. Yes, something bad could happen to her while you're abroad, but I'm sure you'll find a solution or fly back to her quickly.

Skype with her often like Kona mentionned. You can also Vlog... Just film yourself while doing your normal activities, show her what you're eating/seeing and keep her updated about your life. Those small videos won't take long for you to film, but will make her extremely happy. I use WeChat to send small videos to my relatives while being abroad, but I believe you can do the same thing with WhatsApp, or other messaging apps. You could also upload it on a private channel on Youtube so it's better quality.

[Disco_Volante]

That's the advantage of a large family. If you have a sibling(s) that has given them grandkids then they are pretty occupied and give you more space and will be happier, you get more freedom. But if you're an only child, or only have one fucked up sibling who isn't giving them grandkids then you're the only hope they have for grandkids and happiness, it probably hits them a lot harder if you leave.
Women need a lot of social engagement, when they're old they NEED a brood of grandkids they can be the social arbiter of. My grandma has 11 grandkids she is always visiting with, cooking for, etc...

So women who only have 1 or 2 kids, there's a decent chance she'll end up with 0 grandkids, and their misery will get projected on you and your decision to leave.

[boss13]

(07-12-2017 10:19 PM)Disco_Volante Wrote:  

That's the advantage of a large family. If you have a sibling(s) that has given them grandkids then they are pretty occupied and give you more space and will be happier, you get more freedom. But if you're an only child, or only have one fucked up sibling who isn't giving them grandkids then you're the only hope they have for grandkids and happiness, it probably hits them a lot harder if you leave.
Women need a lot of social engagement, when they're old they NEED a brood of grandkids they can be the social arbiter of. My grandma has 11 grandkids she is always visiting with, cooking for, etc...

So women who only have 1 or 2 kids, there's a decent chance she'll end up with 0 grandkids, and their misery will get projected on you and your decision to leave.

My brother just got married and has a kid, so my mom has a grandkid now. He's always been an asshole towards me but has treated my mom alright. But my mom still works full-time and doesn't see the grandson often. So I guess I'm just overworrying about my mom if I move abroad

[RoastBeefCurtains4Me]

Frankly, 60 is not that old. She can still take care of herself as easily as you can take care of yourself. If you're close to her and want to stay that way, just skype at lot. I know many people who do this.

I say go for it. She'll be proud and happy for you to pursue your dreams.

[This Is Trouble]

Yes, worth it.

[Spectrumwalker]

If you stick around because of your mother, at that point you cease to be your own man and will be living for someone else. You will not be happy. Guaranteed. Spread your wings and flee the nest. Be your own man. 15 hour flight away is just that. 15 hours. No sweat. Like Kona said, just make sure you have emergency funds set aside to leave on a dime should something happen.

But think about it OP. Not long ago men moved abroad in search of adventure, excitement, opportunity and greener pastures and they never heard from their loved ones in their homelands again. Or if they did it was every 6 months when they were lucky enough to get a letter when the ships came in. Now with skype, email, whatsapp, whatever, a man has no excuse. In addition to a flight home, your mother is only an internet connection away and you can check in on her as often as you wish.

Plus when you visit home in your off season, it will always give your mother something to look forward to. Which at that age is good for their mental health. Your mother has friends, and she wants you to pursue your own dreams as well. If you sacrifice your dreams for her comfort, she'll lose respect for you. She'll still love you obviously, but she's still a girl at heart. You are her son, and deep down inside she wants you to live your life and to be proud of you. Guranteed she looks forward to bragging to all her friends at the bridge game of what a man her son has become and what a unique life he is living. You said it yourself above that she supports you. Do it.

You may get homesick at first, and think to yourself what the hell you did. But just drive on. You've already had the advantage of dabbling in overseas life before. When I first moved abroad, I thought a made a huge mistake. Now three years later, there's places in South America that are more home to me than my own hometown here in the states. Best thing I ever did. As far as guilt should something happen. Man, a pine box is the destiny of us all. Your mother, and also you. How do you want to live YOUR life?

[GreenHills]

It's difficult - I've been away from my mother for about 12 years. Do you have brothers and sisters around your mom to take care of her if shit happens? If yes - fly free. If not - fly free, but your worries are not going to go away.

How do you deal with it? You endure. Just like all the other difficulties in life which are more permanent. It's not a worry that disappears. I don't particularly need to spend time with my mother, but I'm worried about her health.

If you think this is something you want to do for a few years - sure, go ahead. Especially because your mother has friends, and they see her weekly!

Your mother might be happier if she sees that you're trying to fulfill your dreams, rather than staying still because you feel you like you need to be around her.

[Suits]

For me, it wasn't much of a question. First of all, my parents have 4 other children, three of whom live within a 2 hours drive.

Second, my parents and their generation didn't exactly set mine and me up for success, so the only reasonable way I could see earning a respectable income was to move permanently to China.

My parents are very helpful and loving in some ways, but unconcerned for my real needs in other ways. The distance doesn't bother me much. My older sister is a bitch and while I get alone well with my brothers, one lives on the West coast of the USA and one lives in Ontario, Canada. At best, I'd only be able to live near one or the other.

My parents chose to raise their family in a poorly educated, boring city where there is no future for me. To live close to home would require living in just one of three or four major Canadian cities (Toronto, Hamilton, St. Catharines, etc) and be at the mercy of a very rough jobs market.

Given that my family has no intention of making much effort in helping to balance the sucky employment options offered by their region, I feel no obligation to be physically near.

My parents have had 40 years of adulthood to establish enough income to come visit their children where they are and while they've failed to do that, it's their failing, not mine. Two of siblings, have both been finished school for a decade and have had plenty of time to establish an income. They both earn good money, but have prioritized other things besides being able to visit me.

I finished my undergraduate degree a mere 3 years ago and I don't consider it my obligations to make the sacrifices to be close to family if they can't be bothered to. I visit once a year, which is spending about $2000 more than the $0 they spend to prioritize their relationships with me.

[Digimata]

Any good parent wants their child to be happy and succeed. If your parents are telling you to not do shit without a reasonable logical point and are quoting fears and stereotypes, tell them to get fucked.

Is it your life or your mom's life you are living?

[Red Jaguar]

(07-12-2017 09:24 PM)boss13 Wrote:  

Just to clarify, my mom is not overbearing at all. She has assured me that she will be fine if I move abroad. She has encouraged me to pursue whatever I wish. It is my own worry for her that is causing my hesitation.

And yes, I want to give back to her as much as I can. I could make alot more money in the US with a lucrative job and would like to take her to vacations. I feel guilty that I've been to nice islands in SE Asia but she has never been to before

OP I found this to be a post that hits very close to home. I myself am getting into my late 20's but haven't traveled as I would like or even made great efforts to leave since my mom is pretty good but she would definitely have to take care of more things if I were to leave. For me however, it is go time.

The only way I can feel comfortable leaving is by making a business idea I have to be placed into action. If I can make enough money to travel that will give me the chance to see women abroad and still send $$ home to mom, well I better get to work ASAP. I've dropped out of college b/c for me, after much thought, the situation is pointless at the moment. I know that I will feel ok since I do have 2 brothers nearby and they have kids to visit grandma. While I prepare to leave, I am also preparing so that I can help in one way or another.

[joehoya]

Let me throw another perspective on it. If your mom is healthy, then you should definitely travel NOW! As our parents age, the odds of them getting healthier and needing less care are pretty low. If you are the only immediate family she has (no husband, other kids, etc) there is a decent chance that you may one day be her primary caregiver, even if temporarily. Since your mom is not sick now, there is no better time to live abroad (other than 5 years earlier, but you don't have a time machine). If you are worried about an emergency where she needs you, always keep enough cash to buy an emergency ticket back home, so that you can be there for her in 24 hours.

I spent most of my 30's traveling and working abroad, and had a blast. However, last year my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was alone. No husband, no other kids, her parents are long dead, and her siblings are either dead or live thousands of miles away. Because I built a business that allows me to work anywhere, I CHOSE to come back to my home town and take care of my mom. I was able to take her to all of surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation treatments, and all of the tons of follow doctor's appointments. I made sure that she ate when the chemo killed her appetite. I made sure that she got exercise instead of laying in bed and letting her muscles atrophy. Thankfully, she is recovering quite well and needs me less and less.

From this experience I am SO GRATEFUL that I was able to travel and live abroad when I was younger and she was healthier. While I don't think that I will be doing those 6 month+ trips anymore, I can still certainly do a month or two as she gets stronger. More importantly, while it is a little sacrifice to no longer do the super long trips, I believe that it is well worth it. First, because I get to spend time with my mother when she needs me. Second, because I ALREADY DID IT. I don't have to wonder what it would have been like to live abroad. BTDT. Heck, based on my previous experiences, I am considering moving abroad and buying a separate place there for my mom in the country too. I think that she would like living in Costa Rica.

Lastly, I am not plagued by guilt. Getting blown by some hottie in Medellin would be A LOT LESS FUN if I was constantly thinking about my mom trying to find a taxi or an uber to get to her chemotherapy treatments. Maybe some dudes are just so Alpha that they can push those thoughts out of their head and leave their mom to her own devices, but I know that I can't. I am just not made that way, and I don't want to be made that way, either.

[FFL]

I'll add another unusual perspective. My parents are both pretty awesome but divorced when I was young. Both got political asylum from the US coming over from Russia before they had us kids. That said they had and still have a fairly small social circle even though they have been here over 5 decades now. They were also older parents, my mother first gave birth at 35 and my father is around 10 years older.

Both my siblings took abroad jobs out of college. I at 18 took a trip to France which in about a year led me to join the French Foreign Legion. I took on a new identity and pretty much spent the next 5 years of my contract deployed and out of contact with my parents other than a few phones calls a year and handwritten letters for the whole 5 years. I did come home once for the holidays for a couple weeks.

My entire family was devastated at my decision which my siblings also got as well when they went abroad. Granted my choice of job at the time was not something most parents would want their child in.

The end result was they were both fine. Eventually I got out and and to be honest when I came back home after 5 years virtually non existent in their lives we caught up and our relationship was as good as it was in the past and nothing really changed other than my own perception of the world. I had finally grown up and they survived fine without me. Both were very proud of me and very happy I made it back to civilization alive and well.

I came home a lot more mature, worldly and actually had become a child they could rely on. I can't say they had very many high hopes for me growing up and now I'm more present than ever.

The best way to be a good son is to focus on doing anything you can do to become a better man for yourself. When the time really does come where your mom actually needs you it'll be imperative that you have achieved the level of self reliance, happiness and self worth that she can feel comfortable under your care and not need to feel like your mother in her time of need.

[Barron]

(07-12-2017 08:09 PM)boss13 Wrote:  

I'm currently living with my mom

Step One: For god's sake move out and become independent.

Whether that means living abroad or in the same city with your own apartment doesn't matter.

What's your current income/education/work experience/source of income? Have you ever had a girlfriend or even been laid? What are you interests? Do you even have any other than your mother's approval?

What makes you think you're ready to live away from mommy when you have no experience living for yourself?

[boss13]

(07-14-2017 03:01 AM)NomadofEU Wrote:  

What's your current income/education/work experience/source of income? Have you ever had a girlfriend or even been laid? What are you interests? Do you even have any other than your mother's approval?

What makes you think you're ready to live away from mommy when you have no experience living for yourself?

LOL, what's your problem? Seems to me like you're very angry with your life and trying to shit on me to feel better about yourself. Literally every other person who posted here had something positive to say except you. If you got nothing positive to say, you're better off not posting here

[Suits]

(07-14-2017 03:07 AM)boss13 Wrote:  

(07-14-2017 03:01 AM)NomadofEU Wrote:  

What's your current income/education/work experience/source of income? Have you ever had a girlfriend or even been laid? What are you interests? Do you even have any other than your mother's approval?

What makes you think you're ready to live away from mommy when you have no experience living for yourself?

LOL, what's your problem? Seems to me like you're very angry with your life and trying to shit on me to feel better about yourself. Literally every other person who posted here had something positive to say. If you got nothing positive to say, you're better off not posting here

These are the types of questions we ask each other as men. If you can't handle that, this probably isn't the forum for you.

To be fair, his tone is a little condescending, but other newbies have survived worse and ended up being respected forum members after building a rep.

No one seems to survive losing their cool within 100 posts.

[Gmac]

Start your own family. If you are making life decisions based on your immediate family but have not started your own, you're asking the wrong questions.

Live abroad and be sure to call and visit once in a while. You have to live your life and if your mother is a decent person she'll recognize that.

[Stallion]

(07-14-2017 01:52 AM)joehoya Wrote:  

Let me throw another perspective on it. If your mom is healthy, then you should definitely travel NOW! As our parents age, the odds of them getting healthier and needing less care are pretty low. If you are the only immediate family she has (no husband, other kids, etc) there is a decent chance that you may one day be her primary caregiver, even if temporarily. Since your mom is not sick now, there is no better time to live abroad (other than 5 years earlier, but you don't have a time machine). If you are worried about an emergency where she needs you, always keep enough cash to buy an emergency ticket back home, so that you can be there for her in 24 hours.

I spent most of my 30's traveling and working abroad, and had a blast. However, last year my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was alone. No husband, no other kids, her parents are long dead, and her siblings are either dead or live thousands of miles away. Because I built a business that allows me to work anywhere, I CHOSE to come back to my home town and take care of my mom. I was able to take her to all of surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation treatments, and all of the tons of follow doctor's appointments. I made sure that she ate when the chemo killed her appetite. I made sure that she got exercise instead of laying in bed and letting her muscles atrophy. Thankfully, she is recovering quite well and needs me less and less.

From this experience I am SO GRATEFUL that I was able to travel and live abroad when I was younger and she was healthier. While I don't think that I will be doing those 6 month+ trips anymore, I can still certainly do a month or two as she gets stronger. More importantly, while it is a little sacrifice to no longer do the super long trips, I believe that it is well worth it. First, because I get to spend time with my mother when she needs me. Second, because I ALREADY DID IT. I don't have to wonder what it would have been like to live abroad. BTDT. Heck, based on my previous experiences, I am considering moving abroad and buying a separate place there for my mom in the country too. I think that she would like living in Costa Rica.

Lastly, I am not plagued by guilt. Getting blown by some hottie in Medellin would be A LOT LESS FUN if I was constantly thinking about my mom trying to find a taxi or an uber to get to her chemotherapy treatments. Maybe some dudes are just so Alpha that they can push those thoughts out of their head and leave their mom to her own devices, but I know that I can't. I am just not made that way, and I don't want to be made that way, either.

^^^ THIS!

The longer you wait, the harder it will be, and you'll end up regretting it.

You can always go for one year to see how you like it. If you regret going away (hint: you won't) you can always come back.

Plenty of people do one or two years break teaching abroad and then come back home. Others like it so much that they never come back permanently. I'm just saying why not try? you have nothing to lose.

[MongolianAbroad]

Make sure your mom is taken care of, OP, but take advantage of the fact that she's only 60 and travel abroad while you still can.

If she's been a loving, awesome mom, then at some point you'll probably become her primary caregiver. The way I was raised, an old-folks home is a not on the menu, we care for our own, and if that's the case in your family as well, then that sacrifice will be coming up in a decade or two, so definitely make the move while you can.

If security's an issue you could get her a dog so she feels safe and has some companionship, then just pay for the costs of ownership yourself. Talk to her every day while abroad if it helps, with technology nowadays, that's completely doable in all but the most remote locations.

Like another fellow mentioned the best thing you can do to help your family is invest in your own self-improvement. This will allow you to send more money home and also to make more mature decisions as you become the decision-maker for the household.

Get your affairs in order, make sure she's emotionally ok, move abroad, and keep in touch with her regularly. For guys that were lucky enough to grow up in very nurturing, healthy families (and it was luck, we don't get to pick our parents), these relationships with our loved ones are what makes life worth living. For me, the point of being successful in life is to make my life and the lives of those around me the best they can be. I want the people around me to feel that they are loved, that they matter, and especially for the older amongst these, that they're still "in the game," so to speak, even if in reality their part is to live vicariously through me. That's ok though, it's a part of life and at some point when my mental acuity has diminished, that will be my role as well.

TLDR, don't think you are being a bad son by moving abroad, you aren't, your mom will understand, just make sure everything is handled while you're away, and invest in yourself in order to become a better man.

[Ski pro]

Coming in a bit late on this but I've been away for 8 years now.

I miss seeing my parents and I'm missing seeing my brothers kids grow up. I also am missing my mates from back home.

However, they are only half a days travel away if I need to get back. People come and visit a lot initially but now people come visit rarely and it's me that has to travel back there if I want to maintain these connections.

That's the price you pay for going abroad so be sure that what you are going abroad for is worth it. In my case, there were no mountains where I'm from, now I see them everyday.

[Polniy_Sostav]

I think it is worth it. I have left my parents 11 years ago and moved to many countries. You will challenge yourself and do your own things. If you are worried about your mother , when they age , they become more sentimental and they need you more. The best thing you can do is visiting her regularly (once a year ) and pay someone to care about her so she won't be alone for her daily tasks. If not , then try to find people from your family who can do this.