One of the best comedians in the game has some golden nuggets in his stand-up. This cat's got some solid game advice.
********************
Women, women.
What the fuck do y'all want?
Do you know what you want?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Do you know?
What the fuck do women want?
l know what you want: everything.
That's every woman's answer: ''Everything.''
Women want every fucking thing.
Women act like life was just a big sale, or shit.
''l want to get the most shit before things close down.''
That's what fucking life is to a woman: everything.
You know what men want?
Food, sex, silence. That's it.
Food, sex, silence.
''Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up!''
Our goals seem very attainable, don't they?
********************
Women, it's hard to figure women out.
lt's hard being a guy.
We always think we can buy sex.
''lf l take her here, she'll give me some. lf l buy her this, she'll give me some.''
Nothing get you nothing.
A woman knows if she's gonna fuck you within the first five minutes of meeting you.
Women know right away.
They're shaking hands like,
''l'm gonna fuck him.
''l hope he don't say nothing too stupid.''
That's right, fellas, don't say nothing too stupid...
because women are all about the mood.
lf she's in the mood to fuck you, shut up and let it happen.
'Cause if you say the wrong thing, them panties are coming up mighty fast.
''What'd you say?''
She be on the phone with a girlfriend,
''Yeah, l was gonna give him some...
''but he just started talking.
''l hate a yakking man, child.''
********************
Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain.
Why are they so hard to maintain?
Because it's hard to keep up the lie.
'Cause you can't get nobody being you.
You got to lie to get somebody.
You can't get nobody looking like you look,
acting like you act... sounding like you sound.
When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them.
You're meeting their representative.
That's right.
********************
Who the biggest liars?
Women the biggest liars.
Look at you, all of you.
You're a fucking liar. You!
You're a liar!
You're all liars. All of you are fucking liars!
Masters of the lie, the visual lie.
Look at you.
You got on heels, you ain't that tall.
You got on makeup, your face don't look like that.
You got a weave, your hair ain't that long.
You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain't that big.
Everything about you is a lie, and you expect me to tell the truth?
Fuck you!
********************
l ain't no expert or no shit, but, fellas,
if you're gonna talk dirty to your woman...
you got to talk with authority.
You can get a woman to do any nasty little thing you want.
You say that shit like a man, make a little eye contact...
put a little bass in your voice, she will do that shit.
She wants to do that shit.
She's dying to do that shit.
Your woman is nastier than you ever imagined.
But you gotta come correct... because anything you mumble ain't getting done.
You can't be in bed all unsure, like,
''Excuse me....
''Excuse me, l was wondering....
''Ma'am, l have a request. Could you lick my balls?''
''l ain't licking nothing. Lick your own balls!''
See, if you just said it right, you'd been in there.
Now you got dry balls.
That's right, confidence always wins.
********************
Fellas, you gotta talk.
That's women's biggest complaint:
''You don't talk.
''You need to talk, let's talk. You don't talk.''
That's right. Women love to talk.
lf they had talking in the Olympics, a man wouldn't stand a chance.
Women love to talk, but they wanna talk to you.
They wanna talk to their man.
But women don't want you to talk-talk.
Women just want you to listen-listen.
All a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions...
that will allow her to run her fucking mouth!
You set her up, she'll knock them down.
Fellas, you want your woman to be happy?
All you got to say is, ''How was your day?
''Honey, how was your day?''
Know why? 'Cause ''How was your day?'' is a 30 minute conversation to a woman.
And as a man, you don't really gotta talk.
You gotta just act like you're talking.
''Get out of here. Go on! l don't believe it.
''You don't say! Really? Get out of here!
''Go on. l don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here.
''l told you that bitch crazy!''
You gotta throw in,
''l told you that bitch crazy.'' You know why?
'Cause every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand.
Women, y'all exaggerate everything.
You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like:
''She's trying to destroy me!''
What the fuck are you talking about?
You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney's!
What's she doing, ripping up your paper?
Fellas, you gotta talk.
********************
Women, women.
What the fuck do y'all want?
Do you know what you want?
Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Do you know?
What the fuck do women want?
l know what you want: everything.
That's every woman's answer: ''Everything.''
Women want every fucking thing.
Women act like life was just a big sale, or shit.
''l want to get the most shit before things close down.''
That's what fucking life is to a woman: everything.
You know what men want?
Food, sex, silence. That's it.
Food, sex, silence.
''Feed me, fuck me, shut the fuck up!''
Our goals seem very attainable, don't they?
********************
Women, it's hard to figure women out.
lt's hard being a guy.
We always think we can buy sex.
''lf l take her here, she'll give me some. lf l buy her this, she'll give me some.''
Nothing get you nothing.
A woman knows if she's gonna fuck you within the first five minutes of meeting you.
Women know right away.
They're shaking hands like,
''l'm gonna fuck him.
''l hope he don't say nothing too stupid.''
That's right, fellas, don't say nothing too stupid...
because women are all about the mood.
lf she's in the mood to fuck you, shut up and let it happen.
'Cause if you say the wrong thing, them panties are coming up mighty fast.
''What'd you say?''
She be on the phone with a girlfriend,
''Yeah, l was gonna give him some...
''but he just started talking.
''l hate a yakking man, child.''
********************
Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain.
Why are they so hard to maintain?
Because it's hard to keep up the lie.
'Cause you can't get nobody being you.
You got to lie to get somebody.
You can't get nobody looking like you look,
acting like you act... sounding like you sound.
When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them.
You're meeting their representative.
That's right.
********************
Who the biggest liars?
Women the biggest liars.
Look at you, all of you.
You're a fucking liar. You!
You're a liar!
You're all liars. All of you are fucking liars!
Masters of the lie, the visual lie.
Look at you.
You got on heels, you ain't that tall.
You got on makeup, your face don't look like that.
You got a weave, your hair ain't that long.
You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain't that big.
Everything about you is a lie, and you expect me to tell the truth?
Fuck you!
********************
l ain't no expert or no shit, but, fellas,
if you're gonna talk dirty to your woman...
you got to talk with authority.
You can get a woman to do any nasty little thing you want.
You say that shit like a man, make a little eye contact...
put a little bass in your voice, she will do that shit.
She wants to do that shit.
She's dying to do that shit.
Your woman is nastier than you ever imagined.
But you gotta come correct... because anything you mumble ain't getting done.
You can't be in bed all unsure, like,
''Excuse me....
''Excuse me, l was wondering....
''Ma'am, l have a request. Could you lick my balls?''
''l ain't licking nothing. Lick your own balls!''
See, if you just said it right, you'd been in there.
Now you got dry balls.
That's right, confidence always wins.
********************
Fellas, you gotta talk.
That's women's biggest complaint:
''You don't talk.
''You need to talk, let's talk. You don't talk.''
That's right. Women love to talk.
lf they had talking in the Olympics, a man wouldn't stand a chance.
Women love to talk, but they wanna talk to you.
They wanna talk to their man.
But women don't want you to talk-talk.
Women just want you to listen-listen.
All a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions...
that will allow her to run her fucking mouth!
You set her up, she'll knock them down.
Fellas, you want your woman to be happy?
All you got to say is, ''How was your day?
''Honey, how was your day?''
Know why? 'Cause ''How was your day?'' is a 30 minute conversation to a woman.
And as a man, you don't really gotta talk.
You gotta just act like you're talking.
''Get out of here. Go on! l don't believe it.
''You don't say! Really? Get out of here!
''Go on. l don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here.
''l told you that bitch crazy!''
You gotta throw in,
''l told you that bitch crazy.'' You know why?
'Cause every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand.
Women, y'all exaggerate everything.
You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like:
''She's trying to destroy me!''
What the fuck are you talking about?
You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney's!
What's she doing, ripping up your paper?
Fellas, you gotta talk.
