My main goal has always been to be a pioneer, to introduce (and if necessary, implement) some new idea (and/or new synthesis of existing ideas) that would change the world.
Unfortunately, pioneers aren't necessarily good leaders. That has usually been my limiting factor. You can cut out a new path for people to follow, but it doesn't do much good if you can't get anyone to walk down it. And if fact, if you can't convince people to give you the machinery needed to clear the brush to create that trail, even the trail itself may languish as an unimplemented idea in your head, and die at the same time you do.
So I'm not sure how successful I've been as a pioneer, although occasionally people tell me, "You really changed the way I look at things." I seem to generally accomplish this on more of a retail than wholesale scale, though, because I'm pretty socially isolated. Will my ideas still somehow spread far enough to influence society to the point that great change occurs because of them? I don't know.
When I'm not being a pioneer, then usually I just want to while away the time till death in a way that's not too uncomfortable. I would like to have kids at some point, but I seem to have chronic problems holding a job, which doesn't help me get women to want to (1) have kids with me and (2) stay around to raise them with me. I've never held a job for more than two years, although I've also never gone more than a couple years without having a job.
I find myself wondering what my place in the world is, because I don't fit in anywhere (for very long, anyway) and increasingly I seem to be the designated villain whenever I end up in the media (which I guess means
I'm doing something right, but still, it's not a comfortable way to live). I usually have about two close friends at any given time, one of whom is a lifelong friend (whose free time to devote to the friendship, however, is limited), and the other of whom is whoever happens to be filling that Friend #2 slot at the moment. There have been many people who wanted to be my friend, but I found them too boring to warrant sustaining the friendship.
I have a wife who's in her late 20s, a little overweight, and apparently having some PCOS that's preventing her from having kids. Lately she's not living with me, yet she still stays in touch daily and shows up to go out to dinner and/or bang. I'm not sure what the long-term prospects of that relationship are, but I also don't really care, because honestly I'd prefer to trade up to a fresh new 18-year-old, if I could get my employment situation straightened out. (I feel like I erred in choosing a post-prime chick from the beginning; I may have more to say on the lessons learned from this situation later.)
Sometimes she threatens divorces, but then backs down and says that she couldn't do that. Meanwhile I'm like, "whatever." Other times she tells me that if we broke up, I could never find else anyone like her. And I shrug. I'll bang her when she's around, but masturbation isn't that bad of a substitute when she's not. The failure of my first marriage pretty much inoculated me against any female attempts to mindfuck me by inducing some sort of oneitis. She tells me she loves me, and sometimes I respond "I love you" because I feel that way, and other times out of a sense of duty or reluctance to burn a bridge.
So yeah, purpose? I'm not sure what that would be. I stay around because for some reason I don't feel like killing myself. But it's not like I wake up in the morning with a list of stuff I want to accomplish, and some long-term plans. It's more like I'll suddenly have a "eureka" moment and then write an essay with a new theory tying together a bunch of ideas, and then either add it to my philosophy or conclude, "Oh, I guess actually that wasn't such an earth-shattering insight after all." Then I spend the rest of the day wasting time on the Internet.
Occasionally (like maybe once, or a few times, in a year) I'll start some grand project and be full of hope. Or sometimes I'll make a renewed push to try to reintegrate myself into "normal" society. Usually, though, I'll get hit by a major setback, or fail to secure needed buy-in from others to pursue my project, and then be discouraged for awhile. I might try for awhile on my own, and then run out of steam, yearning for companionship but meeting with only apathy in response to my overtures. I'm at a point now where I've been rejected so many times, I almost expect the world to give me an engraved invitation before I try again, and then praise me for making the effort.
And part of the reason for that is that there's just so little incentive to be anything other than
total loser guy. To be a beta provider guy, you have to give up almost all your freedom of speech (and I'm talking
"free speech," not "controlled speech"). But you don't actually get a whole lot of benefit in return, unless you happen to go red pill BEFORE locking yourself down into a very suboptimal situation.
At this point, my purpose in life (from the standpoint of how others in my life would view me) seems to be, to serve as a human housepet, that women keep around for companionship the way they'd keep around a half-tamed domestic animal, except that I also serve a sexual function. I haven't figured out whether that makes me a patriarch, or makes those women matriarchs, although it feels like the latter, aside from the fact that the women in my life can't really boss me around too much, because in the end, I just don't give a fuck, plus I don't really mind being helpful, because I have nothing better to do.
I'm someone for my friends to study and bounce ideas off of, if they lack for people with an interesting/unique/offbeat perspective. For my enemies, I seem to serve as a mildly challenging opponent to outmaneuver (or in some cases just summarily smack down) and then brag about defeating, as though society and the political scene were one big middle school chess club. In the end, I'm not entirely sure I contribute enough to society to warrant the expenditure of food and other resources, which is why when asked what's the purpose of my life, at times it's hard to answer with more than a shrug.
I guess it would be more in keeping with RVF culture to either act like I'm some kind of badass or stay silent, but I think that even badasses go through times in their life when they feel adrift. Also, some of the greatest narcissists also feel
depressed and isolated at times (although I wouldn't consider myself depressed at the moment. I don't even use that pseudoscientific term much anymore; I prefer the classic word "melancholic"). I feel angry and frustrated (including at myself) more often than I feel sad, yet at the same time, I'm not sure I would really wish myself to be all that different than I am. It's more like, I wish I had a copy of myself, who had the same ideas and interests and could be my collaborator.
I can't really keep beating my head against a wall forever; there comes a point where I have to just rest and enjoy a state of (pseudo?-)nihilistic peace. The problem with peace is that it tends to get boring. It's one of the reasons why asceticism is so unpopular, but personally, I'm finding minimalism isn't so bad. And now, a quote from one of my favorite philosophers:
"Scarcely one person in a million succeeds in fulfilling his life's ambition. The upshot of one's labors, even if one is favored by fortune, remains far inferior to what the wistful daydreams of youth allowed one to hope for. Plans and desires are shattered on a thousand obstacles, and one's powers prove too weak to achieve the goals on which one has set one's heart. The failure of his hopes, the frustration of his schemes, his own inadequacy in the face of the tasks that he has set himself-these constitute every man's most deeply painful experience, They are, indeed, the common lot of man." --
Ludwig von Mises