I've been reading this forum for a couple years; am early 30's, virgin and quite solitary outside of necessary commitments. Have not clicked very well with anyone since grade school. Also diagnosed with Aspergers in my early 20's.
My social skills used to be pretty poor some 10 years ago; I felt that I had very little going for me, I started suffering unexplained bouts of depression and anxiety since the age of 13 and was on medication by mid teens. This actually led to family members consistently underestimating and my problems were medicalized very heavily which basically meant I was not encouraged to seek employment or education and since I did not have a real social circle, aside from toxic friends (more like bullies) who were backstabbing losers and drifted away by the time I was 18, I did not really get a push for pursuing the kinds of objectives most youngsters would do and I'm not even talking about girls as much as just going out and going to school etc.
Because of my understandably poor self-confidence I would be oblivious to or even slightly hostile to girls giving me IOI's in my early 20's which is about the time I started to wander out of my cave and reflecting on my mistakes back then is quite cringe inducing. Yet I feel nostalgic about those days because despite absolutely minimal effort and exposure, still being quite marginalized from the larger society, I received the most blatant IOI's of my life and a reasonably good looking girl practically tried to rape me one time but despite my youth and health I was not aroused by her and things turned out sour for us both because my mind was full of feminism based shame about my sexuality and had too many hang-ups to count. 'Paralysis by analysis' as they say.
Many years later I'm doing some cold approaches every now and then, clubbing a fair bit (always alone) and the 'game' I run is basically trying to stand out physically (body, style) and functionally (dancing, karaoke etc.) and I've had a lot of girls, even groups of girls dance and grind when dancing all by myself almost oblivious to my surroundings. I've been too polite to make a physical move though; I'm very analytical and prefer conversation over anything physical. I never drink any alcohol to save money and health and even after my average lonely night-out I do feel proud of myself for having put myself out there more visibly than the average guy despite my past (and present if you like).
I grew up in a semi-religious household where human sexuality was taboo and when I was closing in on puberty, my dad was about to give me 'the talk' but he seemingly broke down crying in front of me after the first few lines and just left my room. My mother has said some pretty feministic things over the years. From what I've understood my dad was coerced into a shotgun wedding over my mother accidentally falling pregnant with me.
This post is becoming more disjointed and incoherent and it's a bit hard to wrap up but a part of me has become complacent with my current life style, where I'm improving my (passive) value and I feel confident that I could get into a LTR with a decent woman if I could only find her, which might well require switching towns or even moving abroad, which would distance me from my family; the only regular socialization in my life. Given my age, I find it hard to believe in a radical change of personality that would see me enjoy hunting for diverse action on the regular unless I'm surrounded by men who provide a contrast to my melancholic personality. I'm in a situation where I'm not yet entirely sure what I want from women (LTR or just hook-ups) as I've not experienced much and because of social isolation I lost many great years. I cannot imagine just how ballsy I could be now if I had got on the right track from my early 20's at least but the support just was not there and I was allowed to wallow in the negative mindset.
My social skills used to be pretty poor some 10 years ago; I felt that I had very little going for me, I started suffering unexplained bouts of depression and anxiety since the age of 13 and was on medication by mid teens. This actually led to family members consistently underestimating and my problems were medicalized very heavily which basically meant I was not encouraged to seek employment or education and since I did not have a real social circle, aside from toxic friends (more like bullies) who were backstabbing losers and drifted away by the time I was 18, I did not really get a push for pursuing the kinds of objectives most youngsters would do and I'm not even talking about girls as much as just going out and going to school etc.
Because of my understandably poor self-confidence I would be oblivious to or even slightly hostile to girls giving me IOI's in my early 20's which is about the time I started to wander out of my cave and reflecting on my mistakes back then is quite cringe inducing. Yet I feel nostalgic about those days because despite absolutely minimal effort and exposure, still being quite marginalized from the larger society, I received the most blatant IOI's of my life and a reasonably good looking girl practically tried to rape me one time but despite my youth and health I was not aroused by her and things turned out sour for us both because my mind was full of feminism based shame about my sexuality and had too many hang-ups to count. 'Paralysis by analysis' as they say.
Many years later I'm doing some cold approaches every now and then, clubbing a fair bit (always alone) and the 'game' I run is basically trying to stand out physically (body, style) and functionally (dancing, karaoke etc.) and I've had a lot of girls, even groups of girls dance and grind when dancing all by myself almost oblivious to my surroundings. I've been too polite to make a physical move though; I'm very analytical and prefer conversation over anything physical. I never drink any alcohol to save money and health and even after my average lonely night-out I do feel proud of myself for having put myself out there more visibly than the average guy despite my past (and present if you like).
I grew up in a semi-religious household where human sexuality was taboo and when I was closing in on puberty, my dad was about to give me 'the talk' but he seemingly broke down crying in front of me after the first few lines and just left my room. My mother has said some pretty feministic things over the years. From what I've understood my dad was coerced into a shotgun wedding over my mother accidentally falling pregnant with me.
This post is becoming more disjointed and incoherent and it's a bit hard to wrap up but a part of me has become complacent with my current life style, where I'm improving my (passive) value and I feel confident that I could get into a LTR with a decent woman if I could only find her, which might well require switching towns or even moving abroad, which would distance me from my family; the only regular socialization in my life. Given my age, I find it hard to believe in a radical change of personality that would see me enjoy hunting for diverse action on the regular unless I'm surrounded by men who provide a contrast to my melancholic personality. I'm in a situation where I'm not yet entirely sure what I want from women (LTR or just hook-ups) as I've not experienced much and because of social isolation I lost many great years. I cannot imagine just how ballsy I could be now if I had got on the right track from my early 20's at least but the support just was not there and I was allowed to wallow in the negative mindset.
