[donn]

(07-13-2016 02:18 PM)JayJuanGee Wrote:  

(07-13-2016 01:20 PM)donn Wrote:  

Have to be strong, I almost said let's get back together over the phone. She still wants to, but she didn't accept my ultimatum. If we get back together she will never take me serious anymore.

Well, if you believe that your ultimatum is reasonable, then you stick with it, but sometimes upon reflection, we may reconsider our ultimatums if they seem like they might not be unreasonable.

I have a difficult time considering that an ultimatum of "quit your current job" to be reasonable because it has a lot of ramifications that go much beyond the relationship with you.

She should've thought about it before she took it. She knew I'm against it and don't like the guy that works in the company.
There are many jobs and we've been together many years, doesn't it show what is more important for her? her decision made me reconsider our LTR

[JayJuanGee]

(07-13-2016 02:37 PM)donn Wrote:  

(07-13-2016 02:18 PM)JayJuanGee Wrote:  

(07-13-2016 01:20 PM)donn Wrote:  

Have to be strong, I almost said let's get back together over the phone. She still wants to, but she didn't accept my ultimatum. If we get back together she will never take me serious anymore.

Well, if you believe that your ultimatum is reasonable, then you stick with it, but sometimes upon reflection, we may reconsider our ultimatums if they seem like they might not be unreasonable.

I have a difficult time considering that an ultimatum of "quit your current job" to be reasonable because it has a lot of ramifications that go much beyond the relationship with you.

She should've thought about it before she took it. She knew I'm against it and don't like the guy that works in the company.
There are many jobs and we've been together many years, doesn't it show what is more important for her? her decision made me reconsider our LTR

Maybe it is obvious in your thinking and/or understanding of the situation, but it would not be obvious to an outside person who does not know particulars, which sometimes can be a bit subtle and in need of further explanation.

I'm not asserting that your ultimatum is unreasonable, that's for sure, because that is mostly needed to be determined by yourself and your reasoning; however, I am asserting that it does not seem reasonable on its face without further explanation.. .. and yeah, guys are going to come to varying reasonings depending on various details - including factors like you have already described in some of the history.... and maybe even some of her motivations that are directly known or reasonably inferred.

Regarding inferences, sometimes we are not going to know whether inferences are reasonable or not unless we get some explanation (and her behavior can infer certain conclusions about motives and her direct statements would likely be strong indicators but we also know that some statements are more reliable than others and sometimes behaviors will trump statements when they contradict each other).

[donn]

May be I was looking for a reason to end the LTR because I couldn't get out of my mind the time that she wanted to break up but changed her mind after a short time. The ultimatum gave me a way to escape.

[JayJuanGee]

(07-13-2016 03:58 PM)donn Wrote:  

May be I was looking for a reason to end the LTR because I couldn't get out of my mind the time that she wanted to break up but changed her mind after a short time. The ultimatum gave me a way to escape.

Actually, that sounds like a bit of a more accurate description of what may be going on (at least from a logic point of view).

When we are pissed off about some thing(s), we may become a bit more unreasonable (which is certainly understandable). We are not robots or computers, and even though reason can be quite valuable, we need to recognize that there continue to be various mixed emotions including sexual drive, status, control, resentment, and just a mix of different influences, and sometimes even upon reflection, we may stubbornly choose to stick to a certain position, even when logic is starting to suggest that a compromise may be acceptable.

Anyhow, even if there is some emotional element in your decision to impose the ultimatum, there is also the potential for logical weighing too in that, she had shown some of her fickleness in respect to the relationship and even in her mindset in respect to you. Accordingly, it could be emotionally dangerous for you to put too much stock into a relationship with her when she may well pull the rug out from under you at any time (or maybe pull the football away, in the Charlie Brown example).

[donn]

(07-13-2016 04:40 PM)JayJuanGee Wrote:  

she had shown some of her fickleness in respect to the relationship and even in her mindset in respect to you. Accordingly, it could be emotionally dangerous for you to put too much stock into a relationship with her when she may well pull the rug out from under you at any time

That's exactly my thought.
She is a wife material and I wanted to marry her since my early twenties, but didn't do it due to economic reasons.
I never could imagined that one day she will tell me that we should break up or will start lying to me. She did that for a short period of time and then everything got back to normal, but what does insure me it won't happen again? this beta friend is still in the picture and probably will stay there for the next years.