Posts: 310
Threads: 0
Joined: Dec 2015
Struggling with finding purpose.
02-20-2016, 01:32 AM
Here is an edited version of a PM that I sent.
The reference of the original post was on a thread about how much is enough in terms of retirement and it was in response to some PM´s about what do I do with my time in regard to body and mind. The context was more activity based rather than ontologically based, in that I was addressing meaning and purpose indirectly, but there is a definite relation. My statement about not having a bold desire to change the world was in the context of not changing the world on a grand scale with a singular action or deed or being someone that is historically relevant to the masses. The intent was to focus on changing myself and thereby change the relations that I have with the people in the (my) world. It is my contention that this can and does change the (my) world in a very small way, one action at a time, one person at a time. I cannot say how they all tie together and what effect they have, but logic and experience show me that it is something more than if I did nothing. Good, bad or indifferent, this is part of the way I operate.
I wish I had some epiphany for you, but all I can offer is my experience. I will attempt to address your query using part of my life as an example, but I will be limited, so take from it and build.
In brief, my natural, philosophical, and spiritual views are three fold. I use all three of these words not as the eclecticism of a neophyte who does not understand himself or the world, but rather as they each illustrate part of my past experience in a synthetic fashion. This is important in that I am of the view that if we do not understand the past (on both personal and historic levels, being concerned with personal here as it relates to you and me) then we will not understand our position in the world (on many levels) in the present and we are lost. When we are not centered in the present, the future (which is where I believe purpose is directing) seems hazy and uncertain. This can be circular with seeming contradictions so I many need unfold the idea, but I do not want to get into a large treatise now. Therefore, from my perspective, shedding light on purpose means understanding the (my) past and the (my) present. I am not saying that I am right is some objective sense, this is simply me expressing, one man to another, what I have learned based on who I am.
Firstly is my genetic heritage which includes Western European and Native American traditions; secondly is a classical education (trivium and quadrium) to include Latin and Greek; thirdly is Catholic (Augustinian) and Buddhist monastic (Vajrayana) traditions with martial arts. The three are connected and involve some circularity.
Because of my heritage, I feel a strong connection to the past in terms of those who have gone before me; my father, my grandfather, my great grandfather and so on, I also experience this on a more basic level with my mother and my grandmother, but there is a strong connection. Not only do I feel connected to them, but to their deeds, their ideals and more. This sense of ancestral connection is also deep in my martial arts tradition that flows throughout Chinese and Tibetan history. These roots give me stability in the present. I am not trying to be mushy or wishy-washy, it is difficult to explain, it is simply a feeling of having a place in the continuity of time; something like tradition but deeper. Being rooted in the present means that I am able to more accurately use my classic education (of using critical thinking in alignment with my senses) to be more sure and derive a greater sense of factual certainty from my surroundings. This gives me a firm base even before I practice things like qigong and apply it in the martial sense. Doing these activities (from honoring those who have gone before me on the path, to thinking critically to qigong) for the sake of doing them is its own reward. There are positive external (and internal) consequences, but I do not do them for that reason, they are simply the effects. The cause comes from within. It is like a fire burning in my belly and for me not to do them is to put myself in position where I experience being unbalanced, unnatural, and unhappy. To distinguish what is natural from a learned response is yet another topic.
It is not possible to discuss the totality of my experience in a short space, but I will try to use a general example of a large swath of my life to illustrate. The large swath is flying and military service, while the more detailed part will be as a test pilot. Recall that our direction is in regard to purpose and finding meaning.
My former job (pilot) was an extension of my dreams. I could not believe that I got paid to do what I did (fly), so it was not a job for me, it was a manifestation of who I was on the inside and that ties to purpose in how I would express these inner (natural and spiritual) impulses. I would literally dream about flying 4 or 5 nights a week from the age of five into my teenage years. In a Greek sense it was Icarean, I wanted to reach for the sun or the heavens. The focus on the what (flying) then transformed into the how (internal and external process involved with flying) I was doing what I was doing, not simply what I was doing (the activity of flying and being a pilot). The how becomes important as it will give greater focus to your purpose. This is part of the transition from what you do to who you are.
Death was an integral part of my previous work…this part is erratic as it is heavily edited… As more of your friends depart the pattern and you recycle through the grieving process multiple times, you become closer during the first few experiences, but you begin to distance in the outer world as the process repeats. It is a self-defense mechanism. Although we share that sense of what the Greeks would call Philia, we each have gone off into a relative form of seclusion from one another (and the world) as it is a reminder of who and what we do not have. In my process I have chosen to focus on what I do have, which is the memory of this group of men and I endeavor to honor that memory and live life well in partial tribute to them. So this is part of my purpose stemming from living my dream and struggling with the reality that unfolds as I (continue to) live(d) my dream.
Part of the remembrance (present rooted in the past pointing toward the future) of my brothers who no longer have the opportunity to walk the land, glide through the sky, float in the water, or feel the fire of life in their heart/belly occurs at a physical level, while other times it is at a mental or emotional level. I want to live a good life and that is its own reward, like virtue for the sake of virtue being its own reward and being sufficient for happiness. There is a fire inside that drives this (I call it the spirit) and I can feel it emotionally, I have a cognitive sense of it mentally and I can sometimes visceral feel it physically.
I find three common elements in the traditions which make up who I am that are relevant to our discussion here. They are struggle, service and spirit. I guess that I will call them the 3 S´s to make it catchy. We do not struggle like we did it the past for basic necessities, but I posit that struggle is part of our (human) nature and without it we do not develop fully. I believe this is true physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Service is how we express our actions (to include our physical labor) toward others or something greater than ourselves (parents, children, friends, co-workers, the man on the street, God, the Great Spirit) on the screen of life. When we choose not to serve or interact with others, various types of problems develop from atomization to helplessness, from narcissism to psychopathy.
Spirit is that fire or impulse that beats your heart and drives you forward. If you are not expressing (and perhaps denying) something on the screen of life that is in your nature and you feel a burning that something is missing or lacking; then I suggest that this is that spirit knocking on the door saying, there is something more. If you listen it will unfold. If you feel nothing or there is no fire in your belly, bounce in your step, passion in your present moment; you will be unable to connect with what will unfold (your future) through purpose to the present moment. The process of inner listening is yet another topic.
Without a vision of the future you are wandering in the dark. Simply by acknowledging that you are looking for purpose and meaning indicates that that spirit/impulse, fire is trying to express. When you are expressing that fire, it does not subside, it actually grows and you want to express more, but the difference is that uneasiness, unhappiness and lack of balance are not present like it was when that impulse was being denied or retarded. It is similar with the sexual impulse as well. I posit that the sexual and spiritual impulses are manifestations of the duality of man and to deny either causes problems. Having said that, I am also of the mindset, that this energy can be harnessed, sublimated and transformed to be of practical benefit should one choose to follow such disciplines.
Furthermore, I put forth the notion that if you are not expressing your spirit, you are actually dying and you can note various signs. If you have no connection with your past you are floating like a feather in the present. If you are not living in the present, you are like a ghost with one foot in one world (the past) and one foot in another world (the future).
I wish that I could express some of this more eloquently, trying to translated more ephemeral and emotive concepts into thoughts and words is challenging, and as I mentioned in the beginning; I will be limited so take from this and build.
NTP
P.S. I was fortunate to have two grandfathers who were pillars in my life. One was a towering, larger than life John Wayne type. The other was a man who exuded strength that radiated from his inner life. My native tradition stems from the second and I am reminded of a story he told me. The story concerns a man´s journey as he is climbing a mountain and the changes that occur as he walks the winding path that circles up the mountain. How his view of the valley and other territories change as he climbs higher and he pauses to rest on different sides of the mountain. How the sun and the rain affects what he sees below and to the east (west, north, or south). The story also examines how the man changes on his inner journey as the season´s progress during his climb. The part that sticks in my mind now, as it relates to our topic, is how the man changes from summer to autumn. He sees less green in the valley, but notices the greater variety of colors. He feels the breeze of a cooler air and puts a light skin over his bare chest as he realizes that warmth of the summer is fading and he looks forward to facing the sun as he notices that it spends less time in the sky than it did on the beginning of his journey.
