Quote: (12-26-2015 10:00 AM)HankMoody Wrote:
I remember when I met the BPD ex. She had such a smile, and these eyes that practically penetrate your soul. The first night we met, we just sat there and talked about everything. I'm thinking to myself "Holy shit, I just met my soul mate. I could be around this girl forever." Mind you, this was the first girl I'd dated after divorcing my wife of 10 years. Just my type physically, and when we interacted, she would hang on my every word like I was the most unique person on the planet.
In hindsight, there were warning signs but I pushed them all aside, as at the time I was a total game novice. For instance, that night I got her number but she went home with someone else. She was also divorced, and had just broken up with a boyfriend who she still lived with.
After we met, I spent weeks taking her on dates, and finally something that resulted going back to my place. The bang was all I hoped it would be and more. After, we sat there laying in each other's arms, and talked about how everything was just perfect at that moment in time (then in the morning she woke up and freaked out because her ex-boyfriend who she was living with had found out about us.)
But I kept plodding along, convinced I could "win the prize." At first, it was unbelievable. She would read everything I wrote, even boring legal stuff, and actually comment on it intelligently. We'd send long text messages to each other, run errands together, and talk about how someday we'd have 5 kids and a house in the suburbs. She was still living with her ex-boyfriend. I would literally think about this girl 24/7, and my heart would jump every time someone would send me a text message, hoping it was her wanting to hang out or chat. When we were together, she would actually hold herself out as my wife sometimes. Usually a reserved person, I'd never connected with someone so physically and emotionally.
Eventually she moved out of the ex's house, but from there she wasn't "ready for a committed relationship." In hindsight this meant "I'm going to ride the cock carousel, and if you're dumb enough to let me ride it, I'm going to. Oh, and let's go somewhere nice for dinner tonight but I can't stay over."
As things progressed, she'd go hot and cold on me. One day we're going to get married, the next day she "slept over at a friend's house" and "isn't ready for a committed relationship." Mind you, the sex was so good (though few and far between) that it was like a drug - now I understand what it's like for heroin addicts. I would literally put up with any and all of her shit just for the chance of another bang.
When we were together she made me feel so alive that I wasn't even sure living in a world without her would have much of a point. Her smell alone would just trigger so much passion in me that it felt like I was high on love.
I knew she was seeing other guys on the side, but I wasn't willing to give up and I figured she'd eventually "come around" if I did enough for her. You know, fixed her car, took her to lavish dinners, vacations, and pretty much fixed any problem she ever had. She was a master of manipulation - "it's so manly when you do stuff like change the oil. It makes me hot, and I bet you'd make such a good husband." "Hey, can you help me with this legal thing?" And then as I'm chatting with her she non-chalantly starts unbuttoning my pants and giving me a blowjob. The next week she's "too busy to hang out" and all over some other dude's Facebook page, and they checked in together at a restaurant. "Oh, we're just friends having dinner, don't make such a big deal about it."
This went on for a year. At some point, a buddy of mine randomly bought me a copy of The Game, which I read in a day. I figured I could learn game to woo her into a committed relationship. A man obsessed, I ate up every book, forum, and post I could find. I'd go out approaching and learn new stuff, hoping to use my new found player skills on her. I was so obsessed that I actually got pretty good at it.
Eventually I just couldn't take this relationship anymore. The ups, the downs, the hots, the colds, the other guys, and the mixed signals. My life literally became subsumed with trying to get her into a committed, stable relationship with me. I'd practically become a junkie for her. I'd check up on her Facebook to try and figure out who else she was seeing, wondering if they're better than me and I'd lose her. She was all I could think about.
When I went completely dark after a vacation where she spent the whole time on her phone "texting her sister", she made various attempts to get back into my life, like showing up at my house. It took all my willpower to go, and stay, completely dark. It was the one woman I just had to completely next - otherwise I'd lose my sanity.
A few years later I've never had a similar relationship, or felt those kinds of ups with anyone. I've dated a slew of way hotter chicks who are more enthusiastic about sex. However, my relationships eventually fall apart because "I feel like you're not really into it" or "Hank only cares about Hank."
I was left wondering if she broke me, or whether the red pill did...
In reality, my infatuation with her was simply unhealthy. No self respecting man should give in to deep emotion like that, and instead develop stoicism. Part of masculinity is setting aside your emotions, and acting with logic. Our role as a man should be to weather her emotions, and to be in control. Instead, I gave into my own emotions and her emotions. I lost complete control, thereby putting her in control. At the end of the day, emotional females don't want to be in control, they want to be lead. That's the natural order of the sexes. This community literally saved my life in that sense.
I was hurt for awhile after it ended, and sometimes a fleeting emotion will randomly be triggered which takes me back to those days. Years later, I don't blame her for what happened. It was a necessary part of the growing experience.
Hank, your candidness is greatly appreciated.
My example in the 2nd post, whilst still dealing with a chick with a mental disorder, is nothing compared to the relationship I entered into which ended my marriage a few years ago.
The highlighted parts of your story mirror pretty much exactly what I experienced.
We could literally sit and look at each other, not saying a word, just transfixed in each others' gaze.
And it is most definitely a drug - like lust on steriods (make no mistake, this is not love even though it can be justified as such). She would often say that she was addicted to me. The thing is, we we addicted to each other.
What made it even more deeper is that I could make her cum over and over and over again, every 30 seconds or so. She claimed that I was the first guy to make her cum, which I'm not sure I believed, but I wanted to.
Within the first month or so of being together (of which I left my wife after the first week), she was already talking about buying a house together!
The thing is, she had the means, as she came from an obscenely wealthy Russian family (dad was ex-KGB, and appropriated a shitload of assets after the fall of the regime).
Whilst this didn't eventuate, we still went down the rabbit-hole even further. We lived together for the first 2 months of our relationship, and didn't spend anytime apart (we worked together as well), except for when I would see my daughter.
This is when shit got weird for me. She would literally have melt-downs. She could not distinguish between unconditional love that I had for my daughter and the love(?) I felt for her. I would often come back after seeing my daughter, and she would be gone, not answering my calls or texts. She would eventually come back after a while, but be cold, distant, aloof. It was during this time that I had the upper hand, and I think this is what fucks up a BPD chick's brain - they simply can't handle not having ultimate control.
After a couple of months of living together, I was fully apprised of her visa situation. She was here on a spouse Visa, and was only a few months away of having a permanent Visa granted, caveat being, she had to be in a genuine and continuing relationship with the guy that was sponsoring her (her boyfriend that she broke up with to be with me). Against my better judgement, justifying the decision due to it only being a few months, I allowed her to go live with her ex until the Visa was granted.
Like you, I would be like a puppy, hanging out for that text or call when she would be available to see me. She was being extra careful due to the need to satisfy the Visa.
Often, we would walk to my apartment at lunch time to fuck, since that was usually the only time we could during the week. This is where the sex got really wild actually, since we made up for lost time.
This chick was also bisexual, so instead of other guys (although quite possibly she could've been fucking other guys), I had to contend with other girls. One night she came over, saying she couldn't stay long because she was meeting up with a chick. She told me not to cum inside her. I made a big mess in that vag, since I didn't want her to be with anyone other than me even if it was a chick.
We broke up a handful of times in between all this, where I was sure each time was it...then the next day she would come grovelling back to me. I couldn't resist her, even though I knew it was doomed to fail.
Some other things that made things tense were her parents' disapproval of me, which also caused her to go into melt-down mode when her dad would grill her about it.
It got to the point where she gave me an ultimatum, that if I wanted to be with her, I had to give up on my daughter (who was under 12 months old at the time, living with her mother). I'm ashamed to say that it actually crossed my mind - but in retrospect I know this is due to the power of the hold she had on me. When I put my foot down and told her that this would not happen, I witnessed a nuclear level melt-down. She was punching walls, and screaming obscenities about my daughter. I found out later that she almost threw herself from her balcony also.
Funnily enough, for a few weeks after she was in this crazed state, my affection waned and I was looking for ways to eject and distance myself. Because we worked together, this was hard however. Eventually, when her mood stabilised, things went back to "normal" and we were still an item. She even made a convincing plea to me that she would see a psychologist to work through her problems and would like to be able to meet my daughter one day.
Shit, this post is getting long, so I'll wrap it up. Looking back, I now see this appeal as her little strategy at getting back at me for not giving in to her demands. She got me hooked again, then one day she casually mentioned "I don't think I want to be in a relationship, let's see how we feel in 12 months or so." Meanwhile, this is one week after I stupidly spent $1,600 on one night's accommodation at a fucking castle (yes, you read right). Goes to show what lengths we'll go to try and please in this situation.
As you rightfully identified Hank, this was her signalling her cock/pussy carousel adventures beginning, and me being phased out. We still fucked on and off over the next few months, and still even had that strong connection, fixed gaze thing happening.
Her ultimate betrayal (which I've mentioned on the forum) was her fucking my boss on the night of our Christmas party (which I had a gut instinct about, but didn't put the pieces together for another month or so). She officially ended things with me only 2 days after this, and looking back, I could see she was making the play for him like she did with me when we first hooked up.
To sum up, yes, totally giving in to one's emotions is not advisable, as high as those highs can be, the lows are equally low, so it's not worth it and takes a massive toll on your own mental health. That said, I've learnt a shit load about myself and others in the time since, and have come leaps and bounds in terms of game awareness.
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