I'm sitting here this morning with a fever. Figured I'd do some writing to pass the time...
Let's turn the clock back a few years. I'd just gotten divorced. A few months later, I met a girl who I "fell in love with" who was "the one." Maybe some of you can relate.
At the time, my notch count consisted of my long term girlfriend in high school, a random girl I'd met first year in college, and then my wife who I was with exclusively for twelve years. Although I'd had a lot of sex, my notch count was only 3. I didn't even realize I was "inexperienced" because I'd always been in a long term relationship with a decent looking woman.
Months after the divorce, I met the Oneitis and instantly "fell in love." It was "love at first sight." I was actually surprised that she was cool with hanging out with me. Anything she wanted, she got. She wants coffee? Bring her coffee. She says my shorts look ugly? Buy new shorts. Vacation? Let's go. The way I figured this worked is you put in the hard work, she realizes how great you are, and then you get the prize like it happens on TV. I had visions of us getting married (a big fancy wedding), buying a house out in the suburbs, and raising kids.
We spent every day texting, talking on the phone, dining out, emailing, running errands together, and even going on vacation.
What was off to me is that she wouldn't commit to being in an exclusive relationship (being a woman, she didn't say no, but she doesn't explicitly say yes, either.) I'd constantly ask her whether it's okay to tell people I'm her boyfriend, and ask if she was seeing other people. She'd give me vague answers like "We don't need the whole world knowing our business" and "Just know that I really like you." Then I'd sit around for hours trying to figure out the deeper meaning of her texts, Facebook likes, and actions that were completely incongruent with the stuff she was saying. I'd say things like "Well just so you know, I'm not interested in seeing anyone else."
Sex was also sparing and sporadic. One day she's into it, the next day "stop getting so frisky." I spent almost every waking moment of my day trying to figure out how to "win" her, and what I could to lock her down. My blue pill brain kept saying "keep doing what you're doing, cater to her every whim, and give it time. Whatever you do, you cannot lose her - she's the one! The good guy always gets the girl in the end". Her smell alone had an affect on my brain. It was nuts. I'd send her long, deeply emotional, text messages about how much I care for her.
After a series of breakups and frustration, I stumbled on game. More specifically, a buddy of mine bought me a copy of Neil Strauss's "The Game", and from there I tore up every book, blog, YouTube video, and website I could get my hands on. At first, the goal was to learn game and win the Oneitis back.
We did end up getting back together, and this time around I figured I had some game so things will work out, yadda yadda. For instance, back in my "beta days" I had asked her things like "Are we exclusive? Is it okay if I call you my girlfriend?" This time around, in order to "be alpha", I would assert the things I wanted! "We're in an exclusive relationship. You're not allowed to see other people. You're my girlfriend, and I'm your boyfriend. You can't see that other guy."
Like any experienced player would know, this did not have the intended affect. Quite the contrary. And of course, I didn't break up with her because I was afraid of losing her. (for those of you who are just learning - initiating a conversation about the "status" of your relationship is extremely feminine and needy, no matter how you do it. That is the female's job. My actions were also incongruent with my words, by allowing her to "see" other guys and not leave her.)
Eventually I had enough sense to next her, but only after being cuckoled for, well, way too long. This was hard. She played the "Can't we just be friends?" card. (Read: "How about we just text all the time, talk all the time, hang out, and go on vacations, not bang each other even though you want to, while I bang guys I'm actually attracted to? You'll be my favorite girlfriend!") Having a little bit of game, I responded along the lines of "I have enough friends." To which she responded "Then you never cared about me, and this was just about sex? Is that all you're about?" Of course, I felt like a dick so she won the interaction.
After, I was so angry. This was so unfair, I can't believe she would do this, she's the most evil person in the world, etc. I did this that and the other thing for her. Women are evil and I hate everyone.
It wasn't until I dropped the Oneitis, moved past the pain, and learned game for myself, rather than to "win her back", did any of this game stuff start to click for me.
Fast forward to now. Notch count is way up. In the last three semi relationships I've been in, the woman has asked me for exclusivity, a title, and whether they're "wasting their time." All of them are also hotter than the Oneitis. I've been hesitant to commit because I'm 33 and there are an unlimited supply of women out there.
"Dating" is more of a side hobby, as ultimately it detracts from building my business and making money. Women come, women go, and sometimes they come back again. ("Joe Beta is a really nice guy, but I just don't feel a spark with him. Hank, if you weren't such a goddamn degenerate with commitment issues I bet we'd be good in the long term." "Yeah, I respond... if.").
I have a few points in writing this. First, I know there are some of you out there who found these forums like I did, who are sweating over a certain girl, hoping that learning game will help you win her. My brothers, it doesn't work like that. Having healthy relationships with females takes work, and it starts with improving yourself. If you believe that a certain girl is "The One", and you just can't live without her, you need to look inward. No woman should ever be the center of your life - you should be the center of your life. No amount of game can change that.
Second, it's easier to start a new relationship than to rehabilitate a broken one. When a relationship is messed up, or she's sending you "mixed signals", it means she's just not that into you. Cynically, it probably means she's banging a tattooed bartender who doesn't return or texts and has no interest in a real relationship. She's sitting around waiting for his text message while ignoring yours. Women who are into you will make it obvious - text messages every day, she'll ask to come see you, and she will throw sex at you to make sure you remain interested.
Third. As for sex and "let's just be friends", a line by The Rational Male sums it up - "desire cannot be negotiated." What I find now is that the women I date enjoy sex, and it's important to them that I enjoy sex to keep me interested. When a girl says "Let's just be friends" what it means is that "I'm not that into you sexually" and there's nothing you can do about that. You'll figure this out in like two or three dates. If you've taken her out 15 times and gotten a kiss on the cheek, she likes eating dinner with you but banging the bartender after. Cut your losses quickly and move on.
Fourth. Courage is more important than boldness. Boldness is acting to act. Courage is having the wisdom and temperance to not act. You have to have the courage to let her walk. You also have to have the courage to understand that there's no rush for men to get married. Do not rush into anything.
Fifth. Women communicate differently than men. Their actions are largely based on emotion, which changes from hour to hour. Because of that, they will tell you what you want to hear to avoid hurting your feelings, and communicate passively aggressively. Women do not communicate directly. "Let's just be friends" really means "I don't want to bang you." "I'm not looking for anything serious" means "I'm looking to date someone who isn't you." While they're saying that to you, they're begging the bartender to move in and have kids. Women have no master plan, as their emotions change daily. Judge women entirely by their actions, not their words. At the same time, it's your job to have a master plan. Their emotions cannot dictate your actions, nor do they want that. What women want is a man who can withstand their emotions.
Sixth. Learn game. Start with technical game (how to text message, how to keep eye contact, how to maximize online dating profiles, etc.), and your inner game will develop naturally. Game is merely a matter of bettering yourself, learning to communicate better, and also understanding how to interpret a woman's indirect communications. It's learning how to set aside your emotions, and withstand her emotions. By learning game, you're already head of at least 90% of the competition, who will marry the first girl they bang.
Seventh. There is no "One" perfect soulmate out there for anyone. There are many women out there who you are compatible with. A woman (or many women) will never complete your life. Some will make it more enjoyable. It takes courage to accept that.
Finally, and most importantly, you can't blame women or harbor resentment for what they do and how they treat you. I know, it's unfair that you took her to 15 dinners and got a peck on the cheek and she blew the bartender after a few shots in a dive bar. Life isn't fair. It's your choice to be in a relationship, and it's your choice to obsess over one when there are millions of other ones out there. How women treat you is a reflection of you - your frame, your game, and your value as a man. If they treat you unfairly, that's more of a reflection of you than them.
This is what I would have written to myself a few years ago.
Let's turn the clock back a few years. I'd just gotten divorced. A few months later, I met a girl who I "fell in love with" who was "the one." Maybe some of you can relate.
At the time, my notch count consisted of my long term girlfriend in high school, a random girl I'd met first year in college, and then my wife who I was with exclusively for twelve years. Although I'd had a lot of sex, my notch count was only 3. I didn't even realize I was "inexperienced" because I'd always been in a long term relationship with a decent looking woman.
Months after the divorce, I met the Oneitis and instantly "fell in love." It was "love at first sight." I was actually surprised that she was cool with hanging out with me. Anything she wanted, she got. She wants coffee? Bring her coffee. She says my shorts look ugly? Buy new shorts. Vacation? Let's go. The way I figured this worked is you put in the hard work, she realizes how great you are, and then you get the prize like it happens on TV. I had visions of us getting married (a big fancy wedding), buying a house out in the suburbs, and raising kids.
We spent every day texting, talking on the phone, dining out, emailing, running errands together, and even going on vacation.
What was off to me is that she wouldn't commit to being in an exclusive relationship (being a woman, she didn't say no, but she doesn't explicitly say yes, either.) I'd constantly ask her whether it's okay to tell people I'm her boyfriend, and ask if she was seeing other people. She'd give me vague answers like "We don't need the whole world knowing our business" and "Just know that I really like you." Then I'd sit around for hours trying to figure out the deeper meaning of her texts, Facebook likes, and actions that were completely incongruent with the stuff she was saying. I'd say things like "Well just so you know, I'm not interested in seeing anyone else."
Sex was also sparing and sporadic. One day she's into it, the next day "stop getting so frisky." I spent almost every waking moment of my day trying to figure out how to "win" her, and what I could to lock her down. My blue pill brain kept saying "keep doing what you're doing, cater to her every whim, and give it time. Whatever you do, you cannot lose her - she's the one! The good guy always gets the girl in the end". Her smell alone had an affect on my brain. It was nuts. I'd send her long, deeply emotional, text messages about how much I care for her.
After a series of breakups and frustration, I stumbled on game. More specifically, a buddy of mine bought me a copy of Neil Strauss's "The Game", and from there I tore up every book, blog, YouTube video, and website I could get my hands on. At first, the goal was to learn game and win the Oneitis back.
We did end up getting back together, and this time around I figured I had some game so things will work out, yadda yadda. For instance, back in my "beta days" I had asked her things like "Are we exclusive? Is it okay if I call you my girlfriend?" This time around, in order to "be alpha", I would assert the things I wanted! "We're in an exclusive relationship. You're not allowed to see other people. You're my girlfriend, and I'm your boyfriend. You can't see that other guy."
Like any experienced player would know, this did not have the intended affect. Quite the contrary. And of course, I didn't break up with her because I was afraid of losing her. (for those of you who are just learning - initiating a conversation about the "status" of your relationship is extremely feminine and needy, no matter how you do it. That is the female's job. My actions were also incongruent with my words, by allowing her to "see" other guys and not leave her.)
Eventually I had enough sense to next her, but only after being cuckoled for, well, way too long. This was hard. She played the "Can't we just be friends?" card. (Read: "How about we just text all the time, talk all the time, hang out, and go on vacations, not bang each other even though you want to, while I bang guys I'm actually attracted to? You'll be my favorite girlfriend!") Having a little bit of game, I responded along the lines of "I have enough friends." To which she responded "Then you never cared about me, and this was just about sex? Is that all you're about?" Of course, I felt like a dick so she won the interaction.
After, I was so angry. This was so unfair, I can't believe she would do this, she's the most evil person in the world, etc. I did this that and the other thing for her. Women are evil and I hate everyone.
It wasn't until I dropped the Oneitis, moved past the pain, and learned game for myself, rather than to "win her back", did any of this game stuff start to click for me.
Fast forward to now. Notch count is way up. In the last three semi relationships I've been in, the woman has asked me for exclusivity, a title, and whether they're "wasting their time." All of them are also hotter than the Oneitis. I've been hesitant to commit because I'm 33 and there are an unlimited supply of women out there.
"Dating" is more of a side hobby, as ultimately it detracts from building my business and making money. Women come, women go, and sometimes they come back again. ("Joe Beta is a really nice guy, but I just don't feel a spark with him. Hank, if you weren't such a goddamn degenerate with commitment issues I bet we'd be good in the long term." "Yeah, I respond... if.").
I have a few points in writing this. First, I know there are some of you out there who found these forums like I did, who are sweating over a certain girl, hoping that learning game will help you win her. My brothers, it doesn't work like that. Having healthy relationships with females takes work, and it starts with improving yourself. If you believe that a certain girl is "The One", and you just can't live without her, you need to look inward. No woman should ever be the center of your life - you should be the center of your life. No amount of game can change that.
Second, it's easier to start a new relationship than to rehabilitate a broken one. When a relationship is messed up, or she's sending you "mixed signals", it means she's just not that into you. Cynically, it probably means she's banging a tattooed bartender who doesn't return or texts and has no interest in a real relationship. She's sitting around waiting for his text message while ignoring yours. Women who are into you will make it obvious - text messages every day, she'll ask to come see you, and she will throw sex at you to make sure you remain interested.
Third. As for sex and "let's just be friends", a line by The Rational Male sums it up - "desire cannot be negotiated." What I find now is that the women I date enjoy sex, and it's important to them that I enjoy sex to keep me interested. When a girl says "Let's just be friends" what it means is that "I'm not that into you sexually" and there's nothing you can do about that. You'll figure this out in like two or three dates. If you've taken her out 15 times and gotten a kiss on the cheek, she likes eating dinner with you but banging the bartender after. Cut your losses quickly and move on.
Fourth. Courage is more important than boldness. Boldness is acting to act. Courage is having the wisdom and temperance to not act. You have to have the courage to let her walk. You also have to have the courage to understand that there's no rush for men to get married. Do not rush into anything.
Fifth. Women communicate differently than men. Their actions are largely based on emotion, which changes from hour to hour. Because of that, they will tell you what you want to hear to avoid hurting your feelings, and communicate passively aggressively. Women do not communicate directly. "Let's just be friends" really means "I don't want to bang you." "I'm not looking for anything serious" means "I'm looking to date someone who isn't you." While they're saying that to you, they're begging the bartender to move in and have kids. Women have no master plan, as their emotions change daily. Judge women entirely by their actions, not their words. At the same time, it's your job to have a master plan. Their emotions cannot dictate your actions, nor do they want that. What women want is a man who can withstand their emotions.
Sixth. Learn game. Start with technical game (how to text message, how to keep eye contact, how to maximize online dating profiles, etc.), and your inner game will develop naturally. Game is merely a matter of bettering yourself, learning to communicate better, and also understanding how to interpret a woman's indirect communications. It's learning how to set aside your emotions, and withstand her emotions. By learning game, you're already head of at least 90% of the competition, who will marry the first girl they bang.
Seventh. There is no "One" perfect soulmate out there for anyone. There are many women out there who you are compatible with. A woman (or many women) will never complete your life. Some will make it more enjoyable. It takes courage to accept that.
Finally, and most importantly, you can't blame women or harbor resentment for what they do and how they treat you. I know, it's unfair that you took her to 15 dinners and got a peck on the cheek and she blew the bartender after a few shots in a dive bar. Life isn't fair. It's your choice to be in a relationship, and it's your choice to obsess over one when there are millions of other ones out there. How women treat you is a reflection of you - your frame, your game, and your value as a man. If they treat you unfairly, that's more of a reflection of you than them.
This is what I would have written to myself a few years ago.
