[torchbearer]

I've been dating a girl for about 4 months now. Until recently, things had been going pretty well. We made out after date #2 and sex after date #3. She was texting me every 3 days or so, asking when I would come see her again. She even wanted to pay for one of our dates, so I let her. She's been loyal, patient, submissive, etc.--all the stuff you'd want. A few times, she has timidly mentioned that she wants me to be more "aggressive." The sex has been lacking a little something all along but it's good enough to keep me going.

Things have gone downhill over the past 2-3 weeks. She doesn't initiate text messages. Every time I invite her to do something or tell her I'm coming over to her place, she has some excuse. She has been under some mild to moderate stress lately (and I know she's not bullshitting me about this part, at the very least).

I casually told her that she's seemed a little quiet lately and asked if everything is okay. She acknowledged that she hasn't been very responsive lately, but her behavior has stayed the same.

I've had something similar occur with a different girl in the past, and I didn't handle it very well.

Any advice on what to do from here? Contact her and try to talk it out? Ignore her until she comes around (if she comes around)? End the relationship now directly myself? String her along for low-maintenance sex until she catches on to me (would feel bad about this one. She's being flaky now, but based on her past behavior, she doesn't deserve this.)? Something else?

[twigman]

Not a question that comes from or is answered by PUAs.

Sounds like your concern is reciprocity. I'm assuming you're putting in here, and she is not.

I wouldn't worry about the 'more aggressive' comment, thats just preference, you can work on that later.

Also, guessing, you might feel rejected by lack of contact?

Tell her how you feel. Tell her you want her to text you more often, and that you miss that. Tell her how it makes you feel when she does X Y Z (When you text me it makes me feel happy and that you're interested in me). If you don't ask for what you want, you can't complain or resent her if you don't get it. One option is that you move on - thats always on the cards, and she should sense that.

The other options is to play some sort of game or set up some kind of environmental conditions for something better to happen. If those don't work, and you've put in time and effort, you'll feel worse and you'll feel like she owes you.

[torchbearer]

By the way: I am well aware that this message board takes a "many girls" approach. However, it is useful to be able to keep girls around once you have them, if for no other reason than being able to bang regularly without putting in the additional time and money that is needed to get new girls.

I'm not transfixed on this one girl, but I am suspecting that I may be doing something fundamentally wrong when it comes to maintaining girls I've landed. If I could identify and correct the flaw (if it even exists), it would save a lot of time, money, and aggravation in the future with other girls.

[twigman]

(01-10-2009 08:04 AM)torchbearer Wrote:  

it is useful to be able to keep girls around once you have them, if for no other reason than being able to bang regularly without putting in the additional time and money that is needed to get new girls.

It is not just 'useful' to have girl in your life, it is actually quite magical and uplifting to have a relationship. For me, the sex just comes along with that, it just follows. Realtionships should be sources of support, caring, love, understanding, bonding, co-creating, respect, coaching, reality-checking, passionate, fantasy fulfilling, and with physical stuff attached. There is a great potential there for more than an efficient bang.

Now, with a girl who's becoming a flake, I'm not able to have a good experience with her. SHe's better know that if she stops caring for me, I can easily go and get some other girl tomorrow that will be happy to appreciate me. I know there are plenty of girls out there that yearn to be with someone like me they can form a connection with.

If some girl is having their own problems with their own issues, and is trying to blame me for them or is pouring shitty stuff into our relationship, IMHO they can work it out on their own time. They used to say "throw them to the lions", my version for a woman who is not appreciating what I have to give is : "throw her to the chumps". What I would want to say to her is "go work out your shitty behaviour with the next chump you meet and then come back to me". Of course, at that point, I am moving on.

You keep girls around by having fun together and sharing good honest connecting/heart-to-heart experiences together. I provide a very good experience. I am up front, I care, and I listen. I also try and do things she likes (on my terms, not as a supplicating type thing). And, in a general way, I expect things in return, like for her to buy me the occasional present or surprise me; for to add to what we're doing together. To share and appreciate me back - Reciprocity.

I guess one marker of this for me is whether she will do things in bed I like sometimes. Or whether she will surprise me with something I like. And if she doesn't I will tell her what I like. If I've told her what I like, then its her choice whether she in 'a giver' or not. But I've asked. Some girls are selfish and some are not. I know I want to end up with someone who can give and take.

You also keep the other person's interest by showing you're a person with your own life and your own 'core' being who is going to have a good life regardless of whether she is in it or not. That means having your own passions that don't depend on her. There is nothing worse than running after a flaking girl.

[Basil Ransom]

During this down time of sorts, are you still having sex with her? It sounds like you barely get to see her anymore, yet you wrote "String her along for low-maintenance sex until she catches on to me."

If a girl is pulling away, the worst thing you can do is to follow her. Contacting her quickly and repeatedly will lower your appeal. Try not contacting her for a week or two, and let her resume things. If you're still thinking about her, and she hasn't called, call her after two weeks, if only so you can shut her out if she's not interested. If she's at all interested, she'll be happy to hear from you after two weeks of silence.

In my experience, if they're annoyed by your behavior, 'talking about it' will just make her frustrated.