Which Weirdo will lose the 2020 UK General Election? / Labour Leadership Contest
05-10-2015, 10:36 AM
After Ed Miliband's appalling campaign the Labour Party have unveiled host of freaks to lead them to their next defeat. The Contendors:
Yvette Cooper
Now that her husband Ed Balls has lost his seat, Yvette has plans to send him to the kitchen whilst she plays with the big boys. This genderless automaton has been a minister for ten years without the public noticing she exists.
Chuka Umunna
Chuka has positioned himself well as the candidate best placed to destroy the Labour party. A privately educated former City lawyer with close links to Tony Blair, he is a staunch defender of big business, immigration and the EU. He has the unique ability to alienate every part of the electorate as he is right wing enough to piss of the left, posh and metropolitan enough to piss off everyone outside of London and African enough to piss of the cultural conservatives.
Andy Burnham
A Scouser who looks like a puppet. Burnham voted for the Iraq war, supported forcing all British citizens to carry ID cards and as Heath Secretary privatised parts of the NHS, before using his time in opposition to speak out against the Tories privatising the NHS. Last ran for leader in 2010 and was deemed an inferior candidate to Miliband and Balls, but is now the favourite!
Dan Jarvis
A former army officer in the Parachute Regiment, Dan has served in Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq and received an MBE for his exploits. An ordinary man from Nottingham who would be palatable to normal people and have a good chance of being elected, Dan has no chance of being chosen by the Labour party.
Liz Kendall
Boring, annoying woman that has been called a "Blairite."
Tristram Hunt
The public school educated son of a Baron, and a lecture in History at a London university, Tristram was parachuted in to the seat of Stoke-on-Trent against the wishes of the local Labour party. A man who crossed a picket line to teach his students Marxism, Tristram believes he is the man to lead the party of organised labour.
Yvette Cooper
Now that her husband Ed Balls has lost his seat, Yvette has plans to send him to the kitchen whilst she plays with the big boys. This genderless automaton has been a minister for ten years without the public noticing she exists.
Chuka Umunna
Chuka has positioned himself well as the candidate best placed to destroy the Labour party. A privately educated former City lawyer with close links to Tony Blair, he is a staunch defender of big business, immigration and the EU. He has the unique ability to alienate every part of the electorate as he is right wing enough to piss of the left, posh and metropolitan enough to piss off everyone outside of London and African enough to piss of the cultural conservatives.
Andy Burnham
A Scouser who looks like a puppet. Burnham voted for the Iraq war, supported forcing all British citizens to carry ID cards and as Heath Secretary privatised parts of the NHS, before using his time in opposition to speak out against the Tories privatising the NHS. Last ran for leader in 2010 and was deemed an inferior candidate to Miliband and Balls, but is now the favourite!
Dan Jarvis
A former army officer in the Parachute Regiment, Dan has served in Kosovo, Afghanistan and Iraq and received an MBE for his exploits. An ordinary man from Nottingham who would be palatable to normal people and have a good chance of being elected, Dan has no chance of being chosen by the Labour party.
Liz Kendall
Boring, annoying woman that has been called a "Blairite."
Tristram Hunt
The public school educated son of a Baron, and a lecture in History at a London university, Tristram was parachuted in to the seat of Stoke-on-Trent against the wishes of the local Labour party. A man who crossed a picket line to teach his students Marxism, Tristram believes he is the man to lead the party of organised labour.