[eclipse]

Im in my early 20s and Ive been depressed for over 5, around 8 years. During that time, Ive never actually continued maintaining contact with friends/acquaintances that I mightve had before. So I havent actually had any social connections for years, and I want to change that.

I dont think Ive got good enough grades from highschool to qualify for good college/uni courses. But I want to build a social circle similar to how people can in college/uni.

The thing is I live in quite a dead suburb and the city centre is 8km away. I also have no idea where people my age hang out.

Things Ive tried-

Trying to join the local uni clubs, rock climbing, canoeing etc. Ive joined one of them but they dont seem to be doing much on the mailing list, nor do I seem to get along with them that well.

Going to mini concerts with indie bands my facebook friends are going to. I think Ive tried being social there but everyone seems to be going along with friends and I still feel alone by myself. Its hard to know how to "make friends" and get them to hang out again, and besides I dislike their music anyways, so paying $5-10 for entry and also paying to bus 5 km to another suburb was basically me paying all that, not to enjoy myself, but to hope I can gain something socially, which I didnt.

Going to the local beach. Thats the thing I like the most because its so close and I like the beach anyway, but I still havent reliably gotten friends from that.

Ive spent around 200 hours of effort trying to make friends last year, and it was depressing how it didnt work out well, other than maybe "practise" for my social skills. Are there any good places people my age go, things I probably am doing wrong, things I need to do etc. Any help is very appreciated, Im getting very lonely here!

I know you guys are a clever bunch, so thats why I posted here. Im into self improvement but not having friends/social circle is really getting me down.

[Dat ass]

(02-01-2015 03:18 PM)eclipse Wrote:  

Ive spent around 200 hours of effort trying to make friends last year, and it was depressing how it didnt work out well, other than maybe "practise" for my social skills. Are there any good places people my age go, things I probably am doing wrong, things I need to do etc. Any help is very appreciated, Im getting very lonely here!

I know you guys are a clever bunch, so thats why I posted here. Im into self improvement but not having friends/social circle is really getting me down.

I understand where are you coming from, when i was 15 i studied from home for a year as i was asked by bad behaviour in my school. I was fucking depressed and lonely, so the next year when i could go back i tried as hard to get new guys. But i was needy, people could feel my neediness.

You have to stop feeling like you need to "do something" that is something that i feel is the strategy of the pyramid scheemes or pua gurus too, they tell you "hey lots of people who work in this gets financial freedom, still trying to figure it out", or "hey men all you need is game, if she isn't responding is because your game is not tight enough", bullshit. If she doesn't respond maybe you are not attractive enough for her, maybe she was already fucked that day, etc. You have to stop being so self conscious and realize that you don't have to do anything special, average guys have friends, just be an average guy, maybe be somewhat bolder, but you don't have to impress anybody.

I recommend:
1. Get a job in a bar/club. I have been a waiter and a host, the people that would work with you in those kind of jobs are usually very cool, friendly and well connected.

2. If you live in a safe city, go to the beach or park and share some weed and alcohol with people there.


I feel the same still sometimes, it's easier to take a girl out than some dudes, it is just more accepted, relationships with other guys have to be developed with more time, that is why i recommend a social job more.

[eclipse]

(02-01-2015 04:42 PM)Dat ass Wrote:  

2. If you live in a safe city, go to the beach or park and share some weed and alcohol with people there.

Thanks for the advice man.

Just curious, where would you get weed etc if you dont have any friends to hook you up? Ive always been wondering. I thought everyone got it from friends anyways.

[CactusCat589]

What are your interests? I think athletics is a huge one. For soccer, I'd sometimes go alone to the field just to work on juggling and crossing. There'll be other loners or pairs of guys, and sometimes local scrimmages you can sub into whichever position you won't look dumb playing. Particularly if it's a local park in a heavily urban area, like Corona Park, as opposed to a high school soccer field. You don't want to be wasting your time with high school age guys.

Or even tennis, in high school I walked to the courts alone just to practice my serve. Be friendly and offer to rally with other guys there, they never say no. You can set up doubles games or whatever if they have an odd number. Then when you're taking a break, talk.

At my university there's a huge gym which have indoor scrimmages pretty much every day whenever I go. Keep looking around.

[eclipse]

My main outdoorsy/physical interests are longboarding, surfing, rock climbing, tree climbing, swimming, going to the beach, playgrounds. Id be real keen to do skiing/snowboarding too.

Some of my nonphysical interests- boardgames, programming, chilling out on the computer.

I probably should do something like athletics/soccer/tennis- they arent exactly my thing atm, but I definitely am keen to try something new especially if its easier to make friends that way.

[Dat ass]

(02-01-2015 06:55 PM)eclipse Wrote:  

(02-01-2015 04:42 PM)Dat ass Wrote:  

2. If you live in a safe city, go to the beach or park and share some weed and alcohol with people there.

Thanks for the advice man.

Just curious, where would you get weed etc if you dont have any friends to hook you up? Ive always been wondering. I thought everyone got it from friends anyways.

I don't know how it works there, but i used to look for guys who like like they smoke and ask them if they have a little to sell me, even if they say they don't have or don't know someone to sell you, and assuming they are cool and not offended to the question, you just with chat them a little. A lot of the times they used to tell me that they don't know anybody to sell, but after a couple of minutes of talk they would light one and share it with me.

People who smoke weed here sometimes are seedy, but i know how to recognize red flags, so i don't know how it's there and if it is a good idea for you.

But as i said, the best idea would be to get a social job, or get into a group sport like soccer as the guy above suggested.

If you are interested in arts you can get into workshops in cultural centers or try to get a job there, that turned to be gold when i moved as a foreigner to a city with people that is used to grow up with strong and small social circles. The guys who are into that are much open minded to meet people if they share the same interests.

[Aliblahba]

(02-01-2015 03:18 PM)eclipse Wrote:  

Im in my early 20s and Ive been depressed for over 5, around 8 years.

Fix this first.

[Windom Earle]

Relevant thread.

Even more relevant thread.

Also, I've PM'd you OP.

Quote:

If you live in a safe city, go to the beach or park and share some weed and alcohol with people there.

^ This is terrible advice. Not from a moral/legal standpoint, but because you're not forging anything in the way of a meaningful relationship by doing this. You'd just be the anomalous funny story, re-told at a later date, amongst their group of friends.

By all means, if you're into it, do it with existing friends, but you'd just come off as weird if that was your opener.

Seek out friends/groups in areas that inspire passion within you. Your enthusiasm/knowledge will be genuine and welcomed, and be more likely to translate to meaningful friendships. By the same token, don't be afraid to try new things that interest you, things that result in some sort of attainment, like a short course or something. This is a good way of forming friendships, as you've bonded over a shared experience.

[monster]

Great post.

This is a problem I have too, and I'm in my early 30s.

The most important thing I realized is that for a long time I'm asking too much in a "friendship." In other words, I was asking that if I felt like ranting and hating the world, I could rant away to a friend. If I wanted to join a rec soccer team but didn't want to do it alone, I could call up a friend and he'd go "yeah of course man."

Basically none of these are true. A "friend" is just someone you know in passing and don't expect anything from, but over time (12+ months) you build a level of rapport that maybe you could say, "hey lets join a rec soccer league" and he'd be done.

The other big thing is DO NOT FEAR REJECTION. If you meet someone and go, "hey I'm new here and looking to meet people...would you want to grab some dinner sometime" and he goes "no"....it doesn't matter!

I concur with the poster about you says athletics is a good way to meet people if your city is lacking in other rec activities (like mine). I joined a crossfit gym, yoga studio, etc. Personally, at first I thought to myself I'd hit it off some guys & girls and they'd invite me to dinner when they were going out with friends. Shit doesn't work like that. Over many months you'll build rapport and see them out or casually invite to an athletic related activity and build from there.

But the biggest thing for me is that I was asking for too much in a friendship - almost like looking for a real brother - but ultimately "friends" or just people you know and that's that. Hell, some friends are even enemies.

Another shortcoming of mine is that I'm not comfortable just "cutting up" at a bar over nothing, especially due to different life experiences that make it hard for me to relate to some people. This used to bother me, but now I accept it and just do the best I can if I'm around people "cutting up" and keep on truckin.

Good luck!

I should add that if you're in uni this is best time of your life to do this. Don't wait until out of uni because it becomes exponentially harder as people have fulltime careers and wives and you'll feel even more left out. So do it NOW. Join every goddamn club you can in uni until you find a few that you click with. And try harder to "fit in" because fitting in is like game: it's more about "inner game" than "outer game."

[eclipse]

Im writing my CV and was considering applying for data entry jobs as they had high starting pay. Ill consider the bar/club or other social jobs.

Windom, thanks for the pm/thread. Ill be looking through it, it seems helpful.

Ali, I think loneliness is my biggest thing- I dont know what else would be causing my depression, Ive been trying lots of things.

monster, yeah, it seems like Im expecting a lot from friends. It sounds like a lot of work to build rapport for that long a time. Im not in uni anyway, though I am uni aged.

Hows the yoga studio? I dont like that sorta stuff but I guess if Im going to try new things, might as well do the one with a lot of hot bitches to game.

[Aliblahba]

(02-01-2015 07:44 PM)eclipse Wrote:  

Ali, I think loneliness is my biggest thing- I dont know what else would be causing my depression, Ive been trying lots of things.

You don't know if loneliness a symptom or cause. Get some help and join a support group. There's your social circle until you get on even keel. This may not be what you want to hear, but 5-8 years depressed is a long time. At least find the cause and work from that.

[CactusCat589]

You have no shortage of cool interests. Definitely keep meeting people at the beach. I'm into things like skiing and windsurfing as well, but those are definitely not the same low barrier of entry as something like swimming or basketball. Longboarding sounds incredibly specific as well.

What monster said about these kind of activities not really producing real friendships beyond acquaintances, most of the time, is sadly true. It's this shallow, surface-level kind of thing that doesn't really have the potential to go further. But the good thing is that you can tell. We know when we get along with someone well, when there's that mutuality.

Like in soccer, quite a few times guys have asked me how I pull off crosses accurately. And I'm interested when someone is really good at connecting with crosses and making the volley. That kind of mutual appreciation is what culls acquaintances from something actually meaningful.

Quote:

Going to mini concerts with indie bands my facebook friends are going to. I think Ive tried being social there but everyone seems to be going along with friends and I still feel alone by myself.

Ok, this is doing things in the wrong order. You don't want to just stag these kinds of events. But they are exactly the kind of low-cost, potentially interesting thing that you can do with people you don't know overly well.

Keep doing your thing, meet regulars at whatever it is - surfing, basketball, longboarding, whatever. So you build at least a casual familiarity. Can't count the number of times someone flailed around on the field out of nowhere, and disappeared. Then just mention "Me and this other guy I know through x thing are planning on going. It's dirt cheap, I figure it could be fun. Want to check it out with us?" Introduce them if you think they'd get along well.

I'm incredibly meticulous when it comes to stuff like this. I scope out places ahead of time and try and find the "highlights" of the area so I can suggest things to do afterward. You can use the event at its expense. Openly mock the bands and the other attendees at how gay they are, then move to another event or show. A joint with good food. A bar. Someone's hosting a poker night, head on over. Hell, I've even made chilling at my place and blowing a $10 buy-in or two at online poker playing ridiculous over-the-top aggressive work, then leading into our own impromptu home game.

There's no reason to wait till you've known them for months. You see them three, four times, then just suggest something. If they can't make it or you can tell that they don't want to, then ok, next. It's normal, both for you to toss something out there, and for them to say no, and you to shrug and move on.

One thing I realized in observing myself, is that I have very specific interactions with a few people in the "casual friend" category. One guy I only 'hang out with' when we're grinding through another assignment in the lab. Another girl I only hang out with when we run into each other at the dining hall or student union and eat together.

Getting to know them would be awkward, honestly. My suggesting something else would draw attention to the fact that I'm consciously trying to break the pattern. When you're very light and casually suggesting stuff at the beginning, people are much more curious and will go with the flow.

So don't let things ossify. Yeah you have to build rapport, but don't overdo it.

[Dat ass]

(02-01-2015 07:24 PM)Windom Earle Wrote:  

^ This is terrible advice. Not from a moral/legal standpoint, but because you're not forging anything in the way of a meaningful relationship by doing this. You'd just be the anomalous funny story, re-told at a later date, amongst their group of friends.

By all means, if you're into it, do it with existing friends, but you'd just come off as weird if that was your opener.

Well funny thing is that that kind of stuff is what some friends used to tell me the same about directly approaching girls that i don't know. "you are not getting anywhere with them, you are just that history of a random guy approaching them".

I think you are missing the point, you approach the "regulars" of the park, if you live in the same area, by introducing yourself one time you can salute them later and continue building a relationship, i don't know how is the legislation in the US to buy drugs, here is not so serious, if you can face serious consecuences then i guess you can do the same by just asking for fire for a cigarrette and then "ramble". That is how people met each other in small comunities (like neighborhoods in big cities too),

It doesn't have to be weed, I have to apoligize for this, i said it from my perspective as i don't care so much for sports and i like drugs i just like to hangout with people who smoke, so i talk to them, i guess you can try with the guys who play chess or basketball every weekend if that is your thing.

I agree with what you said, serious relationships are build with time, but as you said it has to be with your interests too, also with the age-range.

I'm in my early 20s and i really like to party, i go out about 3 times a week. People at this age meet each other to do that kind of stuff from college or work, as i'm not in my hometown, i don't go to college and work from home it wasn't easy for me to met people in a so chilled way.

I'm doing a language course since 2 weeks ago and i haven't go out with the guys i met there.

As an example two wingmans that i met in a bar when i went solo precisely, because they where around my age and they all want to do the same on weekends, hitting on girls and getting shitfaced. They have other college friends, but their friends where not getting out as much as they wanted.

The guys in my language courses are in their late 20s-30s and they are worried for other kind of stuff, i want to get friends with them, but if i expect to build a relationship to finally start doing shit, i'm going to spend a lot of time alone and bored, also i really don't have so much time as i'm living here for just a couple of months. I rather to go solo and look for people who are looking for the same as me.

So i recommend if you want people to do something (like drugs when i was younger or going to bars/clubs now, art workshops all my life) just look for them there and "game" them. Of course, is not the better way to get more trusthworthy people, but at least you are going to have a good time while you try to develop more serious friendships in work or sports.

I met my best friends by hitting them in this kind of scenarios though, one of them i have been talking daily in facebook for over a couple of years, the other one have been hitting bars with me two times a week for almost a year too.

[bojangles]

Cactus has it spot on.

One way that is rarely mentioned is by you getting "friendzoned".

[eclipse]

I think the takeaways Im getting is to not expect too much, just keep it casual, be a regular at something and invite people to stuff.

So far, a hard thing would be finding regulars at stuff I do... so far I pretty much do everything by myself. I dont know if Im not going to the right places, or my hobbies are too niche, stuff like that. I will keep going to the beach but its dead enough that unless I keep searching for it there probably isnt a lot of regulars my age.

If I cant find regulars at what I do atm, where are places I could go for those hobbies, or what hobbies should I take up, based on what Im currently interested in? Ik it might seem very obvious, but I literally have no idea.

@Ali, Im currently going to therapy and all. Dont know any support groups... It doesnt feel like therapy is helping much.

[CactusCat589]

It could be that the city is part of the problem. Since you're exploring job possibilities, what about moving to a different city outright? People are warm, welcoming to new arrivals. It makes sense that you'd be talking to new people.

[eclipse]

Makes sense. When I manage to get a decent amount of money(after I get a job) I probably would be travelling around to Phils/Thailand/EE. Atm Im very broke in terms of spare cash.

But I dont know if the city Im in is particularly bad. It seems like a lot of people here already have friends.

[eclipse]

My therapist recommends I go to a skatepark in the middle of the city at a time like Saturday afternoon. Apparently there could be around as much as 100 people there. Which is pretty amazing as nothing like that would happen at my horribly dead suburb.

He was also talking about how its important to go to something regularly to be social, even if you wouldnt be close enough to the other people to hang out outside of the group.