[amistod]

I wasn't sure where to post this, so forgive me if this should be in another post. I feel like I am in a pretty unique situation, but I am sure some of you out there could help me or relate to this..

If you had the "perfect girl" how far could you excuse weight?

My girlfriend is in love with me, and is pretty much done looking for the right person. She believes we are soul mates and is ready to spend the rest of her life with me.

She weighs in at almost 200 lbs and has the frame of a 135 lb girl. Ever notice how the actual weight number doesn't even matter as much as the type of frame it's hanging on? Her old pictures fill me with hope, she used to be hot, now she is just "cute".

How did I get in to this mess? She found me literally days after I signed my divorce papers. It was a year ago, I was 27 and thankfully the bitch got nothing. I had made a terrible mistake and was glad to get it over with. I had no fucked up emotional issues, however I was open to talking to any girl. If I saw her at a bar today, I would not approach.

During the past year I have discovered:
- I have developed very strong feelings for her
- Took her virginity
- Turned her in to an insatiable sex fiend
- Trained her exactly the way I want (sex/lifestyle/etc)
- She was raised with old school values (cook/clean)
- Supremely nurturing and would do anything for me
- Nothing about her is slutty, bitch, or feminist
- No smoking, drug or alcohol problems
- Doesn't want kids
- I have properly gamed her since the beginning
- We have a little problem bc my value is so much higher than hers
- Neither of us have STD/Health problems

This basically feels like she used game on ME. She used my weak emotional state to get her foot in the door. Then she wow'd me with her personality.

During some of the "Ever after" talks, I found the courage to tell her that there is no way I could marry/ltr someone who does not take care of their body. It was a rough conversation but she definitely got the point. She claims that this is something she wants to do for herself as well, but I know how hard it is.. I am now down over 30lbs of fat since my divorce and still dropping.

I log every thing I eat. I work out 2-3 times a week. I live in a college down with bomb ass pussy all around me.

Some of you older guys may relate to this, but I really feel my mortality approaching 29 this year. I am surrounded by hot bitches and my window is closing to bag them.

I am:
white/blonde/blue, 28, 237 lbs (goal weight is 220)
nice townhouse, take home almost $800 a week
own my own biz
dj 1-2 nights in college town(we are top 10 party school) $150-200
work out 2-3 times a week, god damn the hbs at the gym here is insane

She is:
70 lbs over weight
everything i am looking for in a long term person, aside from physical looks

the health thing is more important than the looks too, i dont want to marry someone who is going to have diabetes in 10 years.

i would move on, but i am genuinely concerned i will not find a girl that could be this perfect for me. i am afraid i would just plow through a sea of hot ass sluts and end up the other side alone w/ herp wishing i had someone to travel with.

i look forward to fielding all questions if i left anything out..

[Gmac]

Sounds like she just got you on the rebound. If she's already 70 lbs overweight it is only going to get worse. Her looks will fade even more and she will continue adding to that weight every year. If you're cool with that, go for it.

You can do what you want (you should), but my advice is to bail and find someone you're more attracted to now. If looks aren't that important to you and the fat doesn't bother you, that's all you. But if that were the case you wouldn't be posting here. You're in your prime, go after that college poon and smang it.

I was in a similar situation recently (though I had no intention of getting married soon). She was a little older than me, in excellent shape, and serious "wife material" by most definitions. Only, her looks just didn't do it for me -- she's probably a 6-6.5. I broke it off not long ago because she just wasn't doing it for me anymore... that and my conscience got the best of me for potentially stringing along a good girl while maintaining my harem. If I can break it off for something like that, you can definitely do it for a whale.

You just gotta understand that there are A LOT more women out there than you think, and thousands of new ones turning 18 everyday. Thinking you won't find another is a crock. There are plenty of good fish.

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2011/04/20/b...deception/
http://roissy.wordpress.com/2008/03/07/o...-for-game/

Food for thought.

[Imthattypeofguy]

I can relate somewhat to your story. I'm 36 years old and divorced. The simple answer is if you are that serious about her and really concerned about her health then you should work out with her. You've already discussed this with her so she knows your position and if she values your opinion then she be willing to go to the gym with you.

On the flip side "plowing through a sea of hot ass sluts" isn't a bad thing just use protection so you want end up with herpes. I've been doing it regularly for the last 6 years and no urgency to stop!

[amistod]

She graduates from college in 7 days. Do you think it is worth it to see how the summer goes? If she were able to show to me positive change, I think I would be satisfied. I do not expect unrealistic results. She is saying that when she has more time and money that she will be able to make healthy dinners and work out. I don't know if this is just lip service. I feel like an asshole trying to tell her what to do, but I must give her the ultimatum. What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to allow her?

I am also concerned (and have told her this) that I am afraid of what her lifestyle will do to me, in terms of reaching my goals. Losing this weight has been the hardest but most satisfying thing I have ever done. In the dark times, when I am really struggling... it just sucks seeing someone you are with who doesn't give a fuck. This is already starting to breed resentment and other relationship killing feelings. I refuse to go back to being a fat ass. I want a certain quality of life.

Am I wrong to think that if she doesn't take care of herself then it is disrespectful not only to herself but her future husband? I mean, I look my god damn best when I go out wit her and her friends.. yet, she picks up a crumpled T from the laundry basket.. I feel almost offended, and then I get to see her friends who are going to look smoking (when i see them tonight) post about how they went to spin class this morning.

Another theory I have been kicking around, and this could be an awesome blog post for someone.. I wonder if there is a threshold for girls learning how to take care of themselves. Makeup, Fashion, and Gym. Etc. Kind of an "old dog/new tricks" theory. Is there an age where they just get cut off, it becomes too hard for them to get themselves put back together in time to get married before 30? If at 25 she turns her life around, is it too late to learn how to dress well? After 25 years of being too fat to really worry about fashion or make up, etc is it too late?

Thanks for the awesome response.

[Gmac]

(04-29-2011 09:47 AM)amistod Wrote:  

She graduates from college in 7 days. Do you think it is worth it to see how the summer goes? If she were able to show to me positive change, I think I would be satisfied. I do not expect unrealistic results. She is saying that when she has more time and money that she will be able to make healthy dinners and work out. I don't know if this is just lip service. I feel like an asshole trying to tell her what to do, but I must give her the ultimatum. What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to allow her?

I am also concerned (and have told her this) that I am afraid of what her lifestyle will do to me, in terms of reaching my goals. Losing this weight has been the hardest but most satisfying thing I have ever done. In the dark times, when I am really struggling... it just sucks seeing someone you are with who doesn't give a fuck. This is already starting to breed resentment and other relationship killing feelings. I refuse to go back to being a fat ass. I want a certain quality of life.

Am I wrong to think that if she doesn't take care of herself then it is disrespectful not only to herself but her future husband? I mean, I look my god damn best when I go out wit her and her friends.. yet, she picks up a crumpled T from the laundry basket.. I feel almost offended, and then I get to see her friends who are going to look smoking (when i see them tonight) post about how they went to spin class this morning.

Another theory I have been kicking around, and this could be an awesome blog post for someone.. I wonder if there is a threshold for girls learning how to take care of themselves. Makeup, Fashion, and Gym. Etc. Kind of an "old dog/new tricks" theory. Is there an age where they just get cut off, it becomes too hard for them to get themselves put back together in time to get married before 30? If at 25 she turns her life around, is it too late to learn how to dress well? After 25 years of being too fat to really worry about fashion or make up, etc is it too late?

Thanks for the awesome response.

Here is my take.

People always think they can change others, but it's usually for naught. You can always tell her you want to take a break and see other people or do it yourself. See if she loses the weight and keeps it off. It's only a matter of time though. It's pretty rare for women to stay small forever unless they are hardcore about it to begin with.

[Imthattypeofguy]

Give her till the summer as you said but be honest with her let her know that you still love her but you're not as turned on by her as you once were. Make a conscience effort to work out with her and help. If she does right then keep pushing and motivation her. If she gives up on exercising then she gives up on you and you can give up on the relationship with the guilt trip.

[amistod]

great advice, all around. thanks guys. i am happy to receive real advice instead of just some BS internet pua jargon.

[Yams]

When it comes to their weight I've learned that they usually aren't going make significant changes unless you break up with them. I had an ex who was a few pounds over weight and was at the same weight for 3 years. I break up with her and she loses 20lbs.

[Duke Castile]

I was in a ltr with a girl that was gorgeous although too thin for me. She is a great person and I loved her dearly but for the life of me, I did not want to fuck her. I used to try so hard to bang her and come. All my friends said I was crazy and my cousin asked if I was gay. I don't know wtf was/is wrong with me because she's great and she loved/loves me so much. My other hangups were that she is almost 5 yrs older (I'm about to turn 33) and she wanted a family NOW.

In the end I realized I wasn't going to be happy and I wasn't going to change (liking a variety of women, not feeling tied down, etc) because I tried to for a couple years and I started resenting her. I realized my happiness should be my priority and if I truly wanted her to be happy too, then I had to break up with her.

Don't keep tomorrowing yourself with this girl, you're going to lose another summer and it's going to be mediocre at best if you don't let her go. You have to be physically attracted to a girl or at least enjoy the way she looks. Everyone settles for "good enough" and I tell all my friends that I'm holding out for something better. None of us needs someone to push our wheelchairs when we're older. 29 is not old man, I feel like I'm getting better everyday I suggest changing your perspective. If I was in your situation, I'd get in badass shape, use your djing to bang hot women. Have a few girls fall in love with me, and just generally run thru anything above a 6. Why don't you give yourself this summer. She'll be around if she's as good as you say. Your life isn't over bro. Far from it in fact.

[gringoed]

"i would move on, but i am genuinely concerned i will not find a girl that could be this perfect for me."

You have a fear of regret, which means that you would probably feel regret if you stayed with her and didnt partake in the opportunities you have now. Midlife crisis waiting to happen.

My advice: keep her around but start banging the hotties on the side. You never know, a hottie could turn out even better than her, and you'll get all that out of your system while you can still sleep with HB's without paying. Try not to get caught, but even if you do it probably wouldn't be that bad and she could even take that as a tipping point to start looking good again.

[Excelsior]

You're stuck in the Marriage Zone, and she's making the most of that fact and trying to lock it in now.

This post from Solomon speaks to your situation(and the potential you have that you don't realize) perfectly. Read it.

http://solomonreborn.wordpress.com/2011/...iage-zone/

Bottomline: You haven't even reached your peak yet-you're just starting to climb now. You're only 29, and that is when life really starts to get good for men, especially those who have kept in shape(which you seem to have done for the most part). For her, it is now all downhill. Think about that before you let her lock you down.

[Catch 22]

(04-29-2011 09:27 AM)Gmac Wrote:  

Sounds like she just got you on the rebound. If she's already 70 lbs overweight it is only going to get worse. Her looks will fade even more and she will continue adding to that weight every year. If you're cool with that, go for it.

You can do what you want (you should), but my advice is to bail and find someone you're more attracted to now. If looks aren't that important to you and the fat doesn't bother you, that's all you. But if that were the case you wouldn't be posting here. You're in your prime, go after that college poon and smang it.

I was in a similar situation recently (though I had no intention of getting married soon). She was a little older than me, in excellent shape, and serious "wife material" by most definitions. Only, her looks just didn't do it for me -- she's probably a 6-6.5. I broke it off not long ago because she just wasn't doing it for me anymore... that and my conscience got the best of me for potentially stringing along a good girl while maintaining my harem. If I can break it off for something like that, you can definitely do it for a whale.

You just gotta understand that there are A LOT more women out there than you think, and thousands of new ones turning 18 everyday. Thinking you won't find another is a crock. There are plenty of good fish.

http://roissy.wordpress.com/2011/04/20/b...deception/
http://roissy.wordpress.com/2008/03/07/o...-for-game/

Food for thought.

Loved the Obesity to Blame for Game article!

[Catch 22]

btw, I'd tell her that you'll bang her for now but won't be exclusive until she hits a certain weight and keeps it for x months. It won't happen, but at least it makes you sound willing. And best of all, sounds like you'd be telling the truth.

[Tuthmosis]

@amistod, I want to echo what these other fellas are already telling you. If you leave this girl, you may regret it for a few weeks--basically the period it would take for you get your life straightened out. If you don't: you will regret it for many years. By then, you may have wasted your peak years on a girl you already don't find attractive. Your peak years are now, hers are behind her.

Move on with no hesitation. Not to sound harsh, but: if you've gone so far as to seek the advice of this group, it's already over. Every additional day is a waste.

When you start losing your resolve, watch this:

(04-29-2011 03:54 PM)Fisto Wrote:  

I was in a ltr with a girl that was gorgeous although too thin for me. She is a great person and I loved her dearly but for the life of me, I did not want to fuck her.

....

Don't keep tomorrowing yourself with this girl, you're going to lose another summer and it's going to be mediocre at best if you don't let her go. You have to be physically attracted to a girl or at least enjoy the way she looks.

This is a solid story, Fisto; one that I think repeats itself more often than we'd like to admit. Sometimes we try to force something because we finally find something "different" or we want to pull out of the game for a while. But the boner, as we all know, never lies.

@amistod: Follow it. It knows more than you realize.

(04-29-2011 06:09 PM)Athlone McGinnis Wrote:  

You're stuck in the Marriage Zone, and she's making the most of that fact and trying to lock it in now.

This post from Solomon speaks to your situation(and the potential you have that you don't realize) perfectly. Read it.

That Solomon post captures, in a few scant paragraphs, reams (and years) of writing on this subject. The numbers are accurate and bear out in dozens of examples, just off the top my head.

@amistod: Twenty-nine is not old for you. Don't project her life stage on your age. Men and women are different, though they want you--at all costs--to believe otherwise.

[kimleebj]

(04-29-2011 09:15 AM)amistod Wrote:  

If you had the "perfect girl" how far could you excuse weight?

She weighs in at almost 200 lbs and has the frame of a 135 lb girl.

I am white/blonde/blue, 28, 237 lbs (goal weight is 220)

You young guys want to plan everything instead of accepting the uncertainty of life and taking things as they come. Also, there is too much denial in your post.

You have already been married and don't need to get married again for another five or ten years, if ever. If you don't want kids then why get married at all? Men in their thirties have perfect marriage opportunities.

You have only know this girl for one year, and probably haven't even lived together! Your undergrad near-virgin girlfriend is definitely too young and immature to get married. See how perfect your relationship is once she graduates and gets a life.

A goal weight of 220 might be fine if you are 6'5".

[Olympus Squared]

(04-29-2011 10:58 AM)Yams Wrote:  

When it comes to their weight I've learned that they usually aren't going make significant changes unless you break up with them. I had an ex who was a few pounds over weight and was at the same weight for 3 years. I break up with her and she loses 20lbs.

I was thinking on a similiar line... if she wasn't motivated to change her body/health when she was single, I can not imagine her keeping that motivation once she is married and comfortable (i.e. no longer concerned with attracting a mate).

[gringochileno]

(04-29-2011 07:45 PM)Olympus Squared Wrote:  

(04-29-2011 10:58 AM)Yams Wrote:  

When it comes to their weight I've learned that they usually aren't going make significant changes unless you break up with them. I had an ex who was a few pounds over weight and was at the same weight for 3 years. I break up with her and she loses 20lbs.

I was thinking on a similiar line... if she wasn't motivated to change her body/health when she was single, I can not imagine her keeping that motivation once she is married and comfortable (i.e. no longer concerned with attracting a mate).

I agree, giving her an ultimatum or breaking up with her to get her to lose weight isn't going to work in the long run because she'll just let herself go again once you two are married and the threat is no longer credible. Consider yourself lucky that you figured out that your girl was a meatbomb before you married her. All too often it happens too late for the guy to easily do anything about it.

[thefourinone]

Go to the gym together. She will be inspired (threatened) by all of the other girls there. And she can lose the weight, hopefully.

[Samseau]

I agree with the following: sollomon II's post, roissy, fisto, and gmac.

but id like to throw in one point:

if you dump/cheat on her, THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO ABOUT IT, because she's fat and nasty and you're successful and in shape.

your value > her value

say you dump her, she stops eating for a few months and you decide to take her back, it would be easy for you to do so. cheat on her or dump her, and both her ego and BMI will drop like the USD

[Duke Castile]

(04-30-2011 06:47 PM)Samseau Wrote:  

I agree with the following: sollomon II's post, roissy, fisto, and gmac.

but id like to throw in one point:

if you dump/cheat on her, THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO ABOUT IT, because she's fat and nasty and you're successful and in shape.

your value > her value

say you dump her, she stops eating for a few months and you decide to take her back, it would be easy for you to do so. cheat on her or dump her, and both her ego and BMI will drop like the USD

logic

[amistod]

big thanks to everyone.. you guys have definitely given me a lot to think about.

the value disparity is great already and it manifests itself in really strange ways.

i notice a few things about myself:

i typically feel the same way each time i end a relationship and i know you guys are right.. the pain/regret hardly lasts at all. it took 3 days to meet this girl after my divorce.

i am in denial about my true feelings and it makes her uncomfortable because she can sense it. thus making her far more sensitive and needy in terms of commitment / jealousy

i typically find someone the opposite of the last person i dated and seek them out based on that fact alone. i have never approached and banged a girl who i just thought was hot.

[CupCake]

I would drop her if she doesn't care about her health or what she looks like. As others have said: people tend to go downhill, not up. The incentive is gone one she knows she "has you". Also, the fact that you took her virginity bothers me. I wouldn't commit to someone with that little experience.

When you find someone to stay with, you won't hesitate. You won't have to "hope" things get better.

I've seen a number of guys fall into traps with some bad women. I'm sure that deep down they want their girls to improve, but they don't have the balls or the leverage to make the woman change her ways. Once the ring is on the finger, it's all over. Don't fall for it!