[dholland662]

I'll be brief, saw a girl on Saturday and have plans with her again. I picked her up and hung around in her house briefly. Based on the pictures she had (she lives alone) of friends and family, her enjoyment of positive attention (she got a few looks since she decided to wear an ordinary sundress rather than jeans, go figure), as well as her consistent pattern of escalating commitment I get the feeling she is afraid of being alone, unwanted etc.

I imagine this is a normal fear for women, biological instinct to find a provider and have kids and all, so some insecurity regarding this is to be expected.

But should I break it off now before this gets messy, or is this an endearing trait that should not be cast aside? I can see both sides to the argument, insecurity and neediness are weaknesses in character versus women are always going to be insecure and that is a good thing.

As far as looks go she's not ugly but nothing too special either. Not going to go further than that as I think this issue is an independent consideration.

And in regards to the attention she was getting, she remained very invested in interacting with me so I am not annoyed by it.

[Saweeep]

I'm confused…

What exactly are you asking?

Have you banged her yet?

[RURALGAMER]

An abnormally high need for attention and "companionship" is a tell tale sign of BPD.

Have you fucked her yet? If so was it pretty great?

PROCEED WITH CAUTION


Edit: You're post reads as though you have not fucked her.....Experience level will dictate if you are picking up on abnormal neddiness or not. If a chick is into you she may seem needy....I'm gunshy and cautious about the BPD bitches so I'm always trying to filter for that

[YossariansRight]

My two cents. Not being critical, trying to help:

You have completely lost your frame. You need to (re)establish it ASAP. Frame is rule #1.

Keep "get togethers" to once a week, especially when starting out. More than that screams "I HAVE NO LIFE!" and casts you as a beta/orbiter.

How old is this chick?

Have you banged her yet? Whether you've banged or not, you should still be approaching, working on your game, crafting your skills.

Throw some distance at this chick and see how she reacts. While that's going on, you need to carry on with game.

[OregonToSoCal]

The whole discussion of her escalating commitment is a huge red flag to me. Anytime I dated a woman who tried to push for that too soon always ended up being crazy or at the very least a stage 5 clinger. At this stage of my life (I'm 42) I promptly next anyone who even slightly smells of that. There's way too many women out there to settle for one like this!

[dholland662]

This has been helpful. Yea, I am seeing her next week so I'm not being too committed to her, keeping week long breaks so my schedule does not revolve around her. Have not banged yet and practicing skills.

I will postpone and see what happens.

Thank you all

[dholland662]

She's been trying to get in touch with me after the fact. Today was the day we initially planned to go out again before I postponed it as per the advice given.
I think she has a problem and as such I am breaking it off now.
Thank you all for your advice.

[Sturmgeist]

Good work taking the advice. Next step, keep practicing. You're going to come across a lot of women like this, especially in the age range above 25+. Screen this out further in advance.

A woman who is ALWAYS in relationships is a red flag. I know guys who are the same way and they are VERY needy.

[RUIN]

based on what I've read it sounds like BPD - if that's the case and you have lost frame I would exit, very quietly and stealthy. girls with BPD (speaking from experience) are emotionally draining and latch on right from the start, if you haven't banged her id say move on as the more you see her the more "attached" she becomes and thus the more draining she will become.

[dholland662]

Indeed. I am very glad I decided to pose the question.

However, I should not mistake neediness for commitment correct? Girls tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves so I should learn the difference.[/align]

[RUIN]

Ok I may need some help writing how I interpret "neediness" here because I may just be blunt.

"neediness" is that cloying, suffocating insecurity where she has to have you around ALL THE TIME and will either throw a tantrum or try emotional blackmail or other methods to attempt to lock you down. it comes across good at first because at the start it does mirror vulnerability which triggers our masculine urge to simply BE MEN. the difference between "neediness" and "needs you" comes down to one (neediness) being parasitic and unhealthy the other (needs you or true commitment) adds value because she associates YOU and YOUR value as inseparable from her own happiness and for want of a better word - survival (in the general sense not the literal), so she adds value to your life from being around you which is where a lot of people will describe as the "zen" feeling in relationships rather than that exhausting rigmarole of dealing with fluctuating emotions and constant reassurance.

[YossariansRight]

(10-13-2014 10:13 PM)dholland662 Wrote:  

Indeed. I am very glad I decided to pose the question.

However, I should not mistake neediness for commitment correct? Girls tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves so I should learn the difference.[/align]

Correct. It's the mistake this chick is making. Just make yourself "unavailable"; she'll either take the hint or not.

If not, give her some BS excuse like: "I'm getting back together with my ex-fiancé and I think too much of you to play games".*

*I've used that exact excuse in the past; has worked perfectly. It lets her down very, very softly and helps to defuse any psycho behavior on her part. Just try not to laugh when you say it. Done.

[dholland662]

(10-13-2014 10:22 PM)RUIN Wrote:  

Ok I may need some help writing how I interpret "neediness" here because I may just be blunt.

"neediness" is that cloying, suffocating insecurity where she has to have you around ALL THE TIME and will either throw a tantrum or try emotional blackmail or other methods to attempt to lock you down. it comes across good at first because at the start it does mirror vulnerability which triggers our masculine urge to simply BE MEN. the difference between "neediness" and "needs you" comes down to one (neediness) being parasitic and unhealthy the other (needs you or true commitment) adds value because she associates YOU and YOUR value as inseparable from her own happiness and for want of a better word - survival (in the general sense not the literal), so she adds value to your life from being around you which is where a lot of people will describe as the "zen" feeling in relationships rather than that exhausting rigmarole of dealing with fluctuating emotions and constant reassurance.

I can't think of a better way to put it. It is all matters of degrees and, something I need to work, trusting one's gut. You know it when you see it.
And I saw it definitely.

As for what Yossarian said, I will use that excuse. I can easily modify it to my situation. Saying I postponed our date because my ex wanted to see me and I was unsure of how break it to her until now.

She doesn't know where I live or anything nor does she run in the same circles as me so I am not worried about any sort of reprisal or awkwardness.

How funny I am getting assistance with a deception while George Costanza is my avatar.

[RUIN]

I cant say ive tried Yossarian's method, to me I think it opens up a can of worms depending on her headspace - so she could just take it well and.....off she fucks or turn nasty and want to track your "ex" down (which while writing this it sounds hilarious but ultimately not really good form).

[dholland662]

So far nothing insane has happened. Many thanks to Mister Yossarian.