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Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)
#1

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

CINCINNATI TIMES

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl


Feb. 2, 2024 - After what could only be described as a tumultous 2022 season, and under the looming shadows of the Namegate scandal of a year prior, Cincinnati football fans finally have something to be proud of.

That the Cincinnati Bengals were unanimously voted the winners of the 2023 Super Bowl should come as no surprise to anyone who followed this groundbreaking season. When RB Bobbie Jackson became the first transgender woman to be signed to an active NFL roster before the start of the season, pundits unanimously applauded Jackson's heroism even as sports analysts remained hesitant about her credentials.

During her first three seasons at Syracuse, played as a man, she averaged 2.7 yards per carry and 73 yards per game, an active participant of the Orange's ground game. Despite her best efforts on the gridiron, she remained largely off of the radar of NFL draft scouts until her fourth year, which she spent off the field receiving hormone therapy and recovering from gender reassignment surgery. During this time she also earned her degree in sociology, minoring in political science, and became an active advocate for LGBTIQ issues and rights in the sports community.

"There wasn't much in the way of transgender and intersex awareness on ESPN and in the NFL, so I had to do something to lead the way," Jackson explained, receiving the Vince Lombardi trophy on behalf of the Bengals at the official NFL press conference at the Kingsgate Marriott in Cincinnati yesterday. "I'm glad that the new NFL is taking steps to lift up alternative voices, and I congratulate Commissioner Pinochet on her tireless support throughout this franchise's troubled past."

Former Commissioner Goodell's ouster in 2016 following allegations of telling a racist joke in 1997 led to a revolution in the NFL's social awareness profile. But order wasn't restored until the NFL's historic appointment of their first female Commissioner, Harley Pinochet, once a former minority owner of the Bengals herself.

"It really was Pinochet's direction for the Bengals that rescued the franchise," Jackson explained later in an exclusive interview with Cincinnati Times. "Her leadership in raising awareness and making amends for the Namegate scandal really moved the needle in terms of generating positive feedback from the transgender community." The Bengals' Namegate scandal infuriated the transgender community when it was pointed out that the name reminded people about insensitive remarks toward FTM transgenders, or 'been gals'.

"We couldn't be prouder of Bobbie," head coach Debbie Burwell-Sleator told the Times, who spoke at Jackson's historic graduation last June. "To overcome everything she's had to overcome just to get to the NFL draft, with so much discrimination against women and against transgender players, we couldn't be prouder."

Rumors of sexism and transphobia in the NFL resurfaced this year when Jackson went overlooked in this year's draft, and Jackson herself became the subject of a hard-hitting documentary series on Googtube. 'Facemasks of Shame', an emotional expose on the ongoing opposition of the inclusion of gay, female and transgendered athletes in the NFL, garnered recognition for its deeply personal perspective on overlooked would-be football players. Yet nothing was done, and Jackson remained a free agent, continuing her NFL training at her parents' farm near Columbus.

"That was a very difficult period in my life," Jackson told us, wiping the corner of her eye with a monogrammed Bengals handkerchief as she spoke. "Every day felt like total isolation, like I wasn't invited to the party. It felt really unfair. I just wanted my life back."

Her personal life suffered, and a high-profile string of public romances repainted Jackson into tabloid fodder. To keep herself motivated, she stayed active with her training, posting training updates on her foundation's website, and staying in touch with the Syracuse Orange faithful via email and video chat.

Yet nothing could have prepared her for the surprise announcement by the Bengals on October 11.

"My agent at the time always asked me every week if I was ready to play, and I told him, 'yes, absolutely', every single time," Jackson recounted, giggling. "But then he told me, 'good, you're on the field on the 15th.' And right there, my heart stopped."

She did indeed suit up on the 15th, running two plays for three yards gained before tweaking her knee on a fumble recovery. The Bengals lost that game, 27-6, to the Carolina Panthers. But for history, and for transgender progress, it was a touchdown.

Her time on the field cut short by a bruised rib, as well as self-described 'female problems', Jackson's leadership off the field nonetheless led the Bengals from last place in the division to being considered Super Bowl contenders by the voting committee. And when news broke of Jackson's own agent Tim Bechtel allegedly sexually harassing Jackson, the decision couldn't have been any easier for the panel.

Or, for newly minted Commissioner Harley Pinochet. "After the hardships Ms. Jackson endured to get here, and the discrimination and sexism she endured from her very own agent once she made it, there was no way we could have given the Super Bowl win to anyone else this year."

The gesture wasn't lost on Jackson. "I'm just so grateful to Harley and to coach Jennifer Dickenson and our offensive coordinator Caitlyn Smith-Wessel that they had a plan for me, and were including me every step of the way," Jackson exclaimed, sporting a stunning pink sequined dress and matching shoes, both by Neiman Marcus. "We never would have won the Super Bowl without staunch advocates and allies behind us every step of the way."

Jackson believes that there is much more progress to be made. "We still have so many barriers to gay, female and transgender athletes in major sports."

Jackson's list of grievances include the gender pay gap issue in the NFL, as well as inclusion quotas for LGBTIQ athletes. A study commissioned by Jackson's foundation, Truth Out Sports last year found that a shocking 94% of the wages paid to active players were earned by men, a stunning relic of exclusionary policies in player hiring practices. Of the amount earned by male players, 78% went to heterosexual men. And just one starting quarterback out of the league's 32 teams self-identify as gay or bisexual, a number Jackson believes is evidence of systematic league discrimination against gay and bisexual men.

"It's like a big brick wall, and I just want to tear it all down. But I have to remember that I just have two hands, and you have two hands, and we can all take the wall down brick by brick if we work together."

Truth Out Sports will continue to work in the offseason, but Jackson will be taking a bit of a break after a long and hard football season. "I'm really looking forward to the summer," she explained. "It's bikini season!"

The actual Super Bowl game will be played on Sunday, February 4th at 3:30PM, featuring the New England Patriots (14-2) against the Chicago Bears (13-3). The Bengals finish their season 5-11.

READ NEXT - Struggling to survive - why are sports losing viewers? Our lifestyle blogger Katie Hutchinson-Starks believes rampant sexism STILL exists

READ NEXT - Big league harassment - Did agent Tim Bechtel sexually harass his client? What he really meant by 'ready to play'

Check out my occasionally updated travel thread - The Wroclaw Gambit II: Dzięki Bogu - as I prepare to emigrate to Poland.
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#2

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

Oookay, guess this didn't work as well as I thought it would. Hard to tell what's going to be a hit and what won't.

EDIT: this was completely off the cuff, I wrote it in a few hours.

Check out my occasionally updated travel thread - The Wroclaw Gambit II: Dzięki Bogu - as I prepare to emigrate to Poland.
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#3

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

I thought it was hilarious. No idea why no one else has commented on it.

Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag. We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.
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#4

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

lol I think it's funny too. I just didn't click on it until now because I don't really care about football...
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#5

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

I thought it was pretty funny too, definetely enjoyed it.
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#6

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

Hey, I'm beautiful to someone <3

Check out my occasionally updated travel thread - The Wroclaw Gambit II: Dzięki Bogu - as I prepare to emigrate to Poland.
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#7

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

You wrote that? It was hilarious. I thought you had just posted an excerpt from The Onion or something.

Great job.
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#8

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

Bengals???

But.... that's racist!

"Imagine" by HCE | Hitler reacts to Battle of Montreal | An alternative use for squid that has never crossed your mind before
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#9

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

Quote: (09-17-2014 02:20 AM)Handsome Creepy Eel Wrote:  

Bengals???

But.... that's racist!

"Been gals" actually made me laugh out loud while I was at a cafe. I'm surprised you didn't pick up on the controversy surrounding the recent Baltimore name change from "Ravens" to "Not the Orioles," since Raven sounds really close to Rape 'Em.

Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag. We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.
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#10

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

"Been-gals" was comedic brilliance.

You don't get there till you get there
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#11

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

I wrote it when I became irked about the constant threads about women invading male spaces, and the dichotomy between female-oriented competition (goal: be chosen - i.e. beauty pageants, The Bachelor, etc.) versus male-oriented competition (sports with actual rules, meritocracies, etc.). So when I thought about the NFL basically working like a beauty pageant - the nominal Super Bowl winners being chosen by a panel for social justice causes, while the real winners grind it out in relative obscurity - the topic seemed too absurd not to write a satire article about it.

Anyway, enough preening, I'll come up with something new soon enough.

Check out my occasionally updated travel thread - The Wroclaw Gambit II: Dzięki Bogu - as I prepare to emigrate to Poland.
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#12

Cincinnati Bengals Unanimously Voted Winners Of 2023 Super Bowl (satire)

I got a kick out of the inclusion of Syracuse. I went to school there and am still baffled why the chancellor spent over $1,000,000 of funding to build the Wall of Diversity. It is "art-piece"... not even a structural wall.

However, my personal favorite part of campus life while there was the existence of the LGBT floor in one of the dorms. This existed at the time when women and men could not room together (including couples). So... you have a bunch of horny gay men rooming and showering together. While it probably wasn't at full orgy status, there is no doubt in my mind that it was definitely a sexually liberated living situation.
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