[Kaii]

This is going to be a long post and probably a bit rambly. It may be a bit of “dear diary” but, I love this forum and want to share. Maybe some of you can relate to this and understand.

So, I turn 39 this year toward the end of the year. 39! Fuck, I can’t believe I am almost 40! When I was in my 20’s I always felt like I wouldn’t make it to my 30s (and part of me didn’t want to). Let me explain.

In my early 20s, I got the privilege of finding out that I was adopted. Now, understand, I love my parents and couldn’t ask for a better life. However, I really had no idea. They adopted me at three, so I had no recollection of anything before then. To me, they had always been my parents. I found out that my biological mother couldn’t take care of me and gave me to my parents. One good thing is that, my parents are actually blood relatives. They were actually my great aunt and uncle. However, this has also made them older than most parents. And now, I have to deal with parents who are most people’s grandparent’s ages.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. I went from incredulity to denial, to blame and finally to anger. Unfortunately, the anger part has been with me since then for all of these years. It is now somewhat of an “old blanket” that I carry around. I have tried counseling, drugs and other things, but it doesn’t really help all that much. To have been lied to for so long by my own parents (including the rest of the family who knew and never told me) is something I have never reconciled. I understand it was to protect me (according to everyone) but, I would have rather of known the truth. At least I could just deal with the truth, instead of now the truth plus all the lies.

I think what most people don’t understand is this gives you and identity crises. I didn’t know who I was (or still am for that matter) and that is terrible. You get caught between who you think you are and maybe who you “should” be. It’s a very difficult path.

Despite this major event in my life, I still have been pretty successful in my school and career life. However, where I have really tanked has been my health (overweight) and my relationships with women, friends and parents. I have finally established a better relationship with my parents but I still struggle with women and friends.

The hardest part is that I just don’t really trust women. Being lied to by my mother (and essentially abandoned by my biological mother) has made it difficult. Plus, now that I am more red pill, the true nature of women makes it even worse. Now, I am currently in an LTR with someone who lives with me, and quite frankly, it isn’t really working out. Truth be told (and I am a fan of being honest here) I am more scared to be alone that to actually do anything about it. Chide me if you want to, I probably deserve it.

Ok, so what’s the point of this story? Why the sad tale? A couple of things. One, maybe someone can relate to this story and we can bond over it. And two, I really want to make that change in my life that makes me the man I really want to be. I want to start by stating what I want:

1.I no longer want to be angry for what has happened to me and stop blaming everyone for my trouble.

2.Get my weight, anxiety and general cynicism under control. I want to get my health better so I can actually function as a human being.

3.Not be in an LTR for a minimum of the next year. Live on my own, do what I want, reduce my expenses, and just be responsible for me. I want the time to focus on what I want and ONLY what I want.

4.Doing something else for money than being an office drone. Start a business, rock and roll all night, steal horses, just something different that I love.

5.Be a better son. Be a much better to my friends who care deeply for me and reciprocate back.

6.Finally, at some point, get laid like a mad man until I get bored!

7.Profit!!

There, I finally laid it out. I think this is the first time I have been honest about what I want to myself, or anyone else. It’s a bit weird and a blessing that I can do that here on our forum.

Thank for reading and I appreciate any comments.
Kaii

[britchard]

Sounds like you need to get some of your shit together. However I am aware of how shocked you were/are at that discovery, so that obviously takes its toll. Here's what you could/should do:

1. Is the person you are in a LTR with and live with the owner of the property you both live in? If not, just kick her out. If she is the owner, you could move out and stay with your adopted parents for a while, perhaps this will improve your relationship with them.

2. Just workout. Cardio, weights, crossfit, anything. You will love the buzz you get after knowing you've done your body some good.

3. Knuckle down on your diet. You didn't mention this, but because of your issue of weight I suspect it is a problem, maybe comfort eating? Don't get any fast food, stick to a healthy meal plan and if you do get cravings just eat a banana or rye bread etc...

4. Once you have the above sorted, then you could think about money. You should now be a fit, happy single man with time on his hands. I would suggest keeping your job but try and be more ambitious with it, ask for a promotion and have a 'fuck it why not' attitude. Furthermore, as a single man with some time I would suggest getting another part time job where you can talk to women, whilst getting more money. For example, a barman or working in a gym.

I hope this helped, PM if you want to ask anything.

[Sp5]

You are self-aware and motivated to improve. That is the first step.

Don't be hard on your adoptive and biological mother - they did what they thought was best for you. Remember Steve Jobs was adopted.

Good luck.

[Cr33pin]

All the info you need is on the forum.

First thing you need to do is get your diet in check. No sugary drinks or snacks, lots of raw fruits and veggies and clean meats. No fast food and as little processed food as you can.

Then you need to start doing cardio and lifting heavy weight.s (if you have never lifted heavy weights before go kind of easy at first to avoid injury and set you back just when you are getting started)

I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how a lot of your emotional issues smooth themselves out when you are physically healthy. Also you confidence will be up which will help in the fucking bitches and getting money goals.

You can do this, start TODAY!