[Apollo21]

The older you get the more important it becomes
to become a member of larger organizations.

For me, it's the Army Reserve, which allows me to meet a lot
of interesting people and make a lot of great friends. And the fact that
everyone gets together for monthly training means you can develop those
relationships with guys who share the same values.

Plus you get drinking buddies and get to go to the range at least twice a year:-)

[I'm Black]

I live a pretty loser lifestyle where I'm 23 and it isn't unusual for me to drink at a park with a friend (I'm white btw)
I started hanging out with people when I was 18 after going ro independent study for a good portion of highschool. I feel like I forgot how to be a person during formative years.
I'm attractive, I'm known for fighting often and I'm smart - I can tell acquaintances have a margin of respect for me, but they still seem to prefer my loud/dumb/bummy friends. Something is definitely missing with me. I'm hoping that will pass as I improve

When I was 18 I was in a situation where my 'friends' would often do things without me/I'd usually be with them 1 on 1 etc. In groups I didn't really know how to interact, but that didn't come up until I started hanging out more.
Becoming a part of a group is a matter of consistency. Things would come up for me that made me want to go away, usually involving a girl I liked (future long term ex). There would be situations where I felt like an outsider, ignored calls etc - I just pushed through that until it came to a point where I was genuinely adored in the group and at about the same time I stopped really giving a fuck about them, whereas before, in hindsight, I was pretty needy and maybe too nice.

[I'm Black]

@Beyond Borders
On 'slowing down' - I was getting certified for an MMC (working on merchant ships), doing that week long course, and I realized the difference between a guy that has a lot if friends and one who doesn't is a matter of who makes himself available.

After the first day of class, I waited around a bit, saw some other people waiting, then left. Didn't know what to say, but 2 guys from class ended up hanging out that night because 1 just asked the other. This ended up being the circle I hung out with that week.
The difference between going to class all day only to go home alone vs going out drinking with classmates was a matter of making myself available and putting myself out there.
That was a big revelation for me at the time. I just saw how 2 ways of going about things could unfold

[Beyond Borders]

^ Very true, and someone's got to be the one to get the ball rolling, so why not you, right?

When you take the initiative, things happen for you.

You can liken it to hitting on girls, really. So easy to walk around not talking to women because you're afraid they'll shut you out or get annoyed or "creeped out." But then your balls drop and you walk up to women and introduce yourself, and hey, it turns out women want to meet you after all...and it turns out women want to have sex, just like men.

Same with making friends. You find yourself iffy about talking with anyone or unsure what to say - or in many cases trying to look cool or mysterious. Then you just strike up a conversation about nothing, and what do you know, guys want to make new friends just like you do.

[LeeEnfield303]

The only truly close friends I've ever had were the guys I went downrange with...and that's only a few.

[The Lizard of Oz]

(12-08-2015 03:42 AM)Beyond Borders Wrote:  

(06-16-2014 09:08 PM)The Lizard of Oz Wrote:  

Interesting thread.

I think some of the guys posting here are overlooking a resource staring you right in the face:

Find posters on the forum who live in your area and are of similar age or have shared interests -- or just posters that you think you you might enjoy hanging out with. Get in touch with them through PMs or the "meetups" subforum and see if you can make new friendships with like-minded men.

My thoughts exactly - though the similar interests and age aren't even exactly mandatory. A lot of guys from this forum have already met and begun the types of lifelong friendships all you guys here are complaining about not being able to find after your teens. And these with guys who likely don't even live in the same city or country, so if you live in a big city with other members, there's a lot of potential.

I'm not even into pickup, but I've met quite a few members, and I find the personalities as you read them on the forum are very transferable to real life. The good parts and the little personality quirks. So if a guys seems like someone you would respect and vibe with and he has no hangups that rub you really wrong, take the time to go meet him.

I'll also add that I think one mistake guys make is wanting to meet a friend that "ticks all the boxes" for them. You're not looking for a wife here that's going to share your home and bed and help you raise your children.

I have actually built quite a few friendships that have lasted over the years throughout my twenties and early thirties. Now, I don't see these guys a lot because I'm always moving somewhere new, but we still stay in touch, and from time to time I meet up with them when we get the chance and nothing has changed. I'm as close with some as people I grew up with back home.

But here's the thing. I don't agree with every single thing these guys say or do or the way they live their lives. Some have downright pissed me off at times. They are extremely diverse, and in fact, a lot of them probably wouldn't get along very well with each other.

Life is too short and you're going to make yourself miserable if you expect people to always behave and think the way you want them to. Friendship is not about meeting a replica of yourself, and we all know the world is not that simple; it's about living and "working together" in spite of your differences (but without sacrificing your basic moral beliefs).

Some of my friends are young, just coming out of high school. Some of my friends are past retirement age. Some are rich. Some are poor as fuck. Some look like they're in the military and some are rocking dreds. Some are drinking themselves to death, and I'm still waiting to see if they'll snap out of it; some are born again Christians hooked on coffee (and maybe I'm waiting for them to snap out of it too). Some are thai or Cambodian - some are American or Norwegian. Some are traveling the world and walking life's jagged edge - others are married with children and will probably sit right there in the same place they are until the day they die. Hell, a couple are even women.

Maybe that sounds like a lot of friends. I'm sure some of you might think I'm counting acquaintances, but I'm not. Yeah, maybe they wouldn't all help me bury a body, but I don't plan on stacking up any bodies any time soon, and these are people I could turn to in an emergency. Many would and have invited me to stop wandering around and come live in their homes or their hometowns for a while and start building a normal life. If I come to their city, I often do stay in their homes when I first arrive.

So, these are real friends, and while my lifestyle choices might lead to us drifting apart for good eventually (we are, after all, scattered across the globe), I don't doubt a good handful will continue to reach out from time to time to touch bases until we're old and grey. Which ones really make it the long haul will probably depend on where I end up settling down.

I do have some very basic criteria if I'm going to establish a deeper friendship with someone, though.

They have to be a moral person - i.e. they don't take advantage of other people or steal from people, and they'd be very likely to help out if they saw someone in a dire situation. I mean, I can't even really be a casual friend with someone if they don't have a strong moral base.

I can't really stomach hardcore pessimists either. They're too damn bitter and often use negative paradigms as an excuse for immoral, self-serving behavior. It's easy to fuck other people over if you decide all the "other people" are shitbags....

Also, they actually have to be a genuine person you can have a real conversation with. I'm met a lot of surface-level shallow people that seemed like they were interesting underneath their masks - a lot of these people I've liked because they were fun guys to hang out with and because they know how to play the game. But it's too hard to build a real friendship with someone if they can't cut the bullshit and open up a little bit.

Here's another thing about making friends. If you want to build a friendship with someone new, you've got to be able to tune out the world for a minute. When you meet up with a new acquaintance, do you just run from club to club looking for a target-rich environment where you can hit on club sluts?

Sure, that's fun, but it doesn't leave much time for actually getting to know each other, does it?

I think a lot of guys who struggle to make friends aren't taking the time to slow down and just kick back and bullshit and let the world pass on by. So you've got to ask yourself - are you the one who is always cutting the conversation short to hurry along to the next venue? Are you the one with his head buried in his phone, texting with the latest crop of girls and running off to the next date or bang? As I said, I've met a lot of guys here, and I can assure quite a few definitely are.

Or are you willing to set the phone down for a minute and just kick back in a dead restaurant or bar or over the barbecue or on a hike in the mountains without worrying what all the other people in the world are doing? Again, some of you definitely are.

See, anyone can run around slamming shots with you all night and chasing pussy, but if you run into someone who can sit around all night with you smoking shisha or sipping beers and just talking about everything and nothing - and there are a lot more out there than you think if you yourself can slow down enough to pay attention to the person who's sitting right in front of you - and they're not a sleazy person who uses others, you've run into someone that at least has the potential to become a friend for life. So pay attention to them for a second.

I also wrote a blog post and mentioned in a post here on the forum recently about resisting the urge to seek out those perfect (surface level) social situations in everyday life. The same is true for deeper friendship. We want to meet that perfect new friend like we want to run into that perfect 10 with a perfect personality. So we ignore everyone else and put ourselves on "standby" until that happens. After all, you want to be free to engage when you stumble across that perfect 10 sitting all by herself or that crowd of well-connected cool people just waiting to add to someone to their group...right?

But when you start to open up to people and appreciate them for who they really are, you'll often find the most unassuming people around you in everyday life are the ones with the real potential. They often live a lot wilder, more enriched lives than you might think too.

You ignore the 6 staring at you across the bar with those cock-gobbling eyes. You meet a guy and you want to skim right over him because he looks like this average guy and not all that exciting at the surface level. But you know what, just like sometimes the hottie who has everything handed to her is the most boring lay and worse conversationalist, some of the "coolest" people in the world I've met, who have the best package on the outside, are also the least fun to be with. The least real. The least happy. The least honest and dependable. I've lost patience with those types; delete them from your life if they can't get on your level.

And often the happiest, most authentic, most exciting, most enjoyable, and most engaging people are the ones you'd be liable to pass right over and ignore because you're looking for a friendship with "more to offer." So I guess it's true what they say about not judging a book by its cover.

Yes, you need some common ground. Yes, you need mutual respect.

But you don't need twin personalities and lifestyles to build a relationship with that kind of person for the long haul, and if you think you do, you may just be setting the bar a bit too high.

BB, this is one of the best posts I've read on the forum. It should be required reading for anyone who has a serious interest in friendship; and that should mean everyone, because male friendship is one of the greatest goods in life, and the one that is most overlooked and underrated by too many guys.

Thank you.

[serpico]

I'm late thirties and I've got three guys i consider genuine friends. Growing up i moved around a lot and was in single parent family with my brother in another county, and had pretty deep friendships with three different kids (all in different cities), quite possibly as a brother replacement. None of whom i'm friends with now. One of which it later transpired betrayed a serious confidence and had been stitching me up behind my back.

Pretty sure that whole event altered my perception of friendship, and people in general really. From that point on never really had that much faith in the ethics of people, by and large. I've gotten over that for the most part but am way more selective about things i share with people, even those close to me. Girlfriends in the past have complained about this, but yeah what can you do. For a good few years after finding out i was a bit of a loner on the back of it, and withdrew into myself way more than is healthy. I've moved on at this point, but still pretty sure the whole experience was a defining moment, which took a long time to get over, if i ever truly have.

I live life on the road these days, spending max 6-9 months in on place, often less, and as is usual for people at this age, rarely make a solid friend. Pretty much all my recent 'mates' (as oppposed to real friends) come from playing sport, which is a great way to get to know other guys. Last time i made a proper friend was about 3 years ago, basically a drinking buddy who having gone on a load of jaunts over the years have become pretty tight.

I cant say i've ever really actively 'sought out' friendship, of the genuine kind. I mean you just have mates that you become tighter with, thru shared experience, going thru bit of adversity and familiarity. When you meet old friends and reminisce, the vast majority of it is about semi-fucked up times, that time you got into that scrape together, and what have you. I guess that's when you form proper bonds. One reason (among many) that old soldiers are always the tightest friends i guess. Not that i'm comparing getting hammered and doing x y z, to getting shelled by artillery, but you get my drift...