[Merris]

Sorry if this post is a bit inconsistent, my hangover is still clinging to my brain.

I was at a bar yesterday. Two, actually. The first one is perhaps my favorite place, an Irish-style pub with happy rock playing in the background, dark wood interior and a pleasant, relaxed and somewhat rowdy atmosphere. I had spent around 10 hours writing and processing academia, so I had a burning desire to sit the fuck down and relax for a moment. I made a decision to go and sit down, get a good, dark pint and enjoy the evening. A friend of mine decided to come along. I got there first.

The moment I walked in, I had strong eye contact with a beautiful, raven-haired girl. She was probably three years younger than me. As I walked(strolled, more like. Very relaxed body language, slow, languid walk with confidence/arrogance born out of disinterest and a slight pump from working out) to the bar table, I noticed a few other girls checking me out. I never broke eye contact with the girl until I walked past her to the bar. I ordered my Guinness, walked to a table on an elevated platform in a darkish corner. Same thing again, eye contact with a different girl, heads turning. I felt completely relaxed; the attention meant nothing to me. I was there to relax because I was mentally exhausted as fuck. I was wearing a form-fitting dark blue shirt that outlines my physique pretty neatly. That probably contributed also. When I was sitting and waiting for my friend to arrive, I let my eyes wander from eye contact to eye contact. Even a smile or two was thrown at me. Normally this would fire me up into some kind of action, but yesterday it meant nothing.

Then my friend arrived, and the same phenomenon continued. He got his share of it too. Thing is, he is more of a pussy repellent than a magnet. Big, somewhat obese, mild acne, receding hairline, not a looker, you get the gist. One cute girl grabbed my ass when I was getting my second pint. Still, no reaction from me except for a long, level stare at her. She blushed.

My friend and I changed to another bar, this one was more of a club. It was a bit early, so we sat down for a whiskey in a corner of the bar, lost in a very intense and interesting conversation. After some time, more people started getting in and two girls came to us, one of them asked if the space next to me was free. I nodded, not really paying any attention. There was maybe one and a half meters of empty space there. One of the girls sat practically on my lap. I ignored her completely, even though we had pretty much full body contact. After a minute or two, she opened on me. I half-negligently answered her questions, then left for a smoke with my friend. When we got back, the girls were leaving but the one sitting next to me smiled and placed her palm on my chest. I ignored her and sat down. I saw her look at me over her shoulder when she walked out.
Similar stuff happened with two more girls that evening. One of them kept running around the bar but returning next to me all the time. Even after I very directly, with no humor at all, told her she fucked up badly in her studies and she slapped me in the chest quite hard, she came running back after a minute to apologize and sit next to me, with full body contact and massive kino from her side again. I quite calmly insulted her maybe an hour later, she dipped her hand in her glass of water, then ran it down my face and chest and under my shirt and bit her lip. The fact that she’s been dating a guy for three years did not seem to bother her.

No reaction from me again.

After a while, I was chatting with another girl. I decided for the hell of it, see what would happen if I started strong kino out of the blue. Shoulders, back, lower back, ass, abdomen, neck, sides of her breasts, all of it was fine. All the time she had the “deer in the headlights” look on her face and a stronger and stronger blush.

I did not close.

So basically, I had massive amounts of openers, opportunities and possibilities practically thrown at me through the entire night. I’m going through all of it now, mildly hung over and scatterbrained and shaking my head at my own failure to capitalize on any of it. Funnily enough, the reason for my failure, I think, is based on my reason for the amount of attention I was receiving. For the first time in months, I truly did not give a single flying fuck. I carry some of that attitude with me always, but now it was stronger than in a long, long time and it manifested itself in my behavior. I had no desire or interest to get laid or flirt or get anything out of any girl. The following morning my friend just sent me a text message “You must be a eunuch”.

I think this is an excellent example of the results of what I’d call inner game. My thoughts and attitudes reflected themselves strongly on my appearance, speech and actions. What resulted was hilarious, now that I think back on it. Two years ago I would not have thought that something like this happens to people who are not models, rich or famous. How little I knew. Working out my body and mind yielded results. I’m slowly getting rid of my former pussy self. If I could achieve the same kind of authentic attitude normally that I had yesterday, I would be much further on my way towards whatever I'm moving to.