[Slacker101]

So I've never had super confidence in the looks department. My ex said even her male friends said I'm attractive. I am in no way trolling, look at my past posts if you would like. This is actually something that has psycologically bothered me for a long time and I've been making progress over the last couple of years toward confidence. I can at least feign the confidence now. I was wondering if anyone would mind giving me their opinion or any pointers style/anything wise.

Also, any tips for getting over a breakup? I had an actual LTR for the first time in years and got emotionally attached, not common for me. She decided she was no longer in love with me but loves me and broke it off.

Working to get my alpha completely back.

[polymath]

Experiment with some fashions, I would say. You will find your own style naturally in the process, but you have to give yourself something to work with. Pick a haircut that you like, try some different looks, etc. Right now I have an undercut, a few days worth of stubble, a light red Fred Perry polo, and some Dockers with a permanent crease. I had a beard a few days ago, and the other day I wore a Vineyard Vines pink polo with baby blue slacks. I guess I'm experimenting with a preppy look, while also giving it my own spin.

As for physical confidence, you need to ( A) work out to get closer to a body that makes you proud, ( B) groom so that you can look attractive while also nonverbally communicating that you take good care of yourself, ( C) have some faith that people aren't lying to you about your looks. Don't try to feign confidence, just work toward improvement.

As for the LTR, it sucks but you just have to keep your head down and do the day to day until you feel good again. Don't let work slip. Don't neglect your exercise regimen. Nobody will want to take care of a man who cannot take care of himself.

I would venture to say that you should just pursue what you want in life as aggressively and enthusiastically as you can, and the traits that people describe as "alpha" will be visible in you as a result.

[AneroidOcean]

(01-30-2014 01:57 PM)polymath Wrote:  

As for physical confidence, you need to ( A) work out to get closer to a body that makes you proud, ( B) groom so that you can look attractive while also nonverbally communicating that you take good care of yourself, ( C) have some faith that people aren't lying to you about your looks. Don't try to feign confidence, just work toward improvement.

As for the LTR, it sucks but you just have to keep your head down and do the day to day until you feel good again. Don't let work slip. Don't neglect your exercise regimen. Nobody will want to take care of a man who cannot take care of himself.

I had a huge fear of rejection throughout all of my schooling. I didn't look down hard upon myself, but I was really self-deprecating at times and didn't have that much confidence in my looks. I usually followed other's styles (more fashion/trend type stuff than actual STYLE).

If even guys are admitting that you're attractive, you are. Myself, I'd probably rate myself as above average in looks and I think when I have confidence/charisma that can really push me into being pretty attractive to many girls. I didn't have any idea about this when I was younger. I saw a lot of flaws in myself and cared a lot more. The funny thing is that the less you care and the more you work on looking your best despite your flaws, the less flaws others will perceive in you.

You really do make your own reality. I know you have a shirt or some outfit that makes you look good. You need to ditch a lot more of the rest of your clothes (I bet you have a lot of clothes you have worn for a long time) and get clothes that fit you best and make you look best. When you get ready, take care of your appearance and look the best you can. This will give you confidence.

The other big thing you need to learn is to TAKE A COMPLIMENT. When others compliment you, ENJOY it and genuinely acknowledge it. Don't brush it off or downplay it. There's such a thing as being humble and this is NOT it.

As for a LTR ending. Guess what, you'll have this happen MULTIPLE times in your life (very likely). I've NEVER stopped dating a girl and a year later thought to myself, "Oh man, I really fucked up, I'll never do better than her."

The more women I date, the more I realize how little of the ideal qualities my first girlfriends had. Also, as a man, if you work hard on improving yourself you will continually (to a point) increase your value, so really, any LTR fairly early in life is by definition with less of a woman than you'll be able to achieve later in life.

[UrbanNerd]

Short cut method...

Work on your education, career and income.... while somewhat keeping decent fashion and a decent body. You can get "cool" real quick with money. The goal is to make yourself a hot commodity for women. Make yourself the type that chicks want to marry (or long term date) and leverage that for the bangs.

[Feo]

Lift big..

[Slacker101]

(01-30-2014 01:57 PM)polymath Wrote:  

Experiment with some fashions, I would say. You will find your own style naturally in the process, but you have to give yourself something to work with. Pick a haircut that you like, try some different looks, etc. Right now I have an undercut, a few days worth of stubble, a light red Fred Perry polo, and some Dockers with a permanent crease. I had a beard a few days ago, and the other day I wore a Vineyard Vines pink polo with baby blue slacks. I guess I'm experimenting with a preppy look, while also giving it my own spin.

Style wise, I'm not terrible. I kind of have my own thing going that works for me. I can't tell how others view it really but I've heard it's more of non douche prep.

(01-30-2014 01:57 PM)polymath Wrote:  

As for physical confidence, you need to ( A) work out to get closer to a body that makes you proud, ( B) groom so that you can look attractive while also nonverbally communicating that you take good care of yourself, ( C) have some faith that people aren't lying to you about your looks. Don't try to feign confidence, just work toward improvement.

A. I've actually been working on this on and off for the past year. I got mono for a while which reset a lot of progress. I'm a lot better than I was and certainly have gained some confidence from it.

(01-30-2014 07:29 PM)Feo Wrote:  

Lift big..

Related to above so I put it here. I've been lifting 3 times a week but I haven't seen major progress weight wise. I look better, but as far as increasing the amount I can bench, it hasn't really been happening.[/quote]

B. Excellent advice, I try to do this simply because I don't like not being groomed.

C. This is honestly really hard for me. I'm not sure why.

(01-30-2014 01:57 PM)polymath Wrote:  

As for the LTR, it sucks but you just have to keep your head down and do the day to day until you feel good again. Don't let work slip. Don't neglect your exercise regimen. Nobody will want to take care of a man who cannot take care of himself.

It's hard. Especially since I have absolutely no idea what happened. I'm in my second to last semester so I'm trying to not let it slip. It was all in her head, she was really focused on what other people thought about her and just things like that. She acted like she loved me literally up until we got back together after breaking up initially. A day later she said she felt dead inside and broke up with me again. I was mad. She refused to give it any time and said that she knew herself and once it was gone it was gone. She said ideally she wants to start new with me but knows that cannot happen (we both made mistakes, as all people do). There wasn't anything mind blowing though, just subtle things. In the end she said she would consider a date later on down the road when she's fully over it. I'm worried that I'll do it and the same things will end up resulting and wasting my time. I actually really liked her, which like I said doesn't generally happen for me.

(01-30-2014 01:57 PM)polymath Wrote:  

I would venture to say that you should just pursue what you want in life as aggressively and enthusiastically as you can, and the traits that people describe as "alpha" will be visible in you as a result.

Thanks, I need to get back on this part especially. I let it slide too much lately. Both when the relationship ended and while I was in it.

(01-30-2014 05:16 PM)AneroidOcean Wrote:  

(01-30-2014 01:57 PM)polymath Wrote:  

As for physical confidence, you need to ( A) work out to get closer to a body that makes you proud, ( B) groom so that you can look attractive while also nonverbally communicating that you take good care of yourself, ( C) have some faith that people aren't lying to you about your looks. Don't try to feign confidence, just work toward improvement.

As for the LTR, it sucks but you just have to keep your head down and do the day to day until you feel good again. Don't let work slip. Don't neglect your exercise regimen. Nobody will want to take care of a man who cannot take care of himself.

I had a huge fear of rejection throughout all of my schooling. I didn't look down hard upon myself, but I was really self-deprecating at times and didn't have that much confidence in my looks. I usually followed other's styles (more fashion/trend type stuff than actual STYLE).

If even guys are admitting that you're attractive, you are. Myself, I'd probably rate myself as above average in looks and I think when I have confidence/charisma that can really push me into being pretty attractive to many girls. I didn't have any idea about this when I was younger. I saw a lot of flaws in myself and cared a lot more. The funny thing is that the less you care and the more you work on looking your best despite your flaws, the less flaws others will perceive in you.

You really do make your own reality. I know you have a shirt or some outfit that makes you look good. You need to ditch a lot more of the rest of your clothes (I bet you have a lot of clothes you have worn for a long time) and get clothes that fit you best and make you look best. When you get ready, take care of your appearance and look the best you can. This will give you confidence.

The other big thing you need to learn is to TAKE A COMPLIMENT. When others compliment you, ENJOY it and genuinely acknowledge it. Don't brush it off or downplay it. There's such a thing as being humble and this is NOT it.

As for a LTR ending. Guess what, you'll have this happen MULTIPLE times in your life (very likely). I've NEVER stopped dating a girl and a year later thought to myself, "Oh man, I really fucked up, I'll never do better than her."

The more women I date, the more I realize how little of the ideal qualities my first girlfriends had. Also, as a man, if you work hard on improving yourself you will continually (to a point) increase your value, so really, any LTR fairly early in life is by definition with less of a woman than you'll be able to achieve later in life.

I can definitely relate. I really need to work on that compliment part. That is honestly something that I had not thought of. I do see your point though.

I hope that your LTR experience also proves true for me.


I really appreciate it guys, really sound advice. The physical confidence is also messing with my day game. I tend to avoid approaches because of it. Plus I'm at a socially awkward university so you never know how someone will act (worth noting that I'm usually not socially awkward at all, especially in professional situations).

[JackDavey]

Quote:

In the end she said she would consider a date later on down the road when she's fully over it. I'm worried that I'll do it and the same things will end up resulting and wasting my time.

You need to decide right now that this is never going to happen. "Down the road" you will have finished school, increased your income, made gains lifting, improved your style and physique, banged hotter girls, gotten better social skills, spent time pursuing your passions, and just generally improving your self and your life. And without realizing it, your confidence will have improved.

The paragraph from which I pulled that quote reminds me quite a bit of that time I got back together with my ex wife. It was the worst mistake I ever made, and wrecked me emotionally for far too long, during a time when I could and should have been having an awesome life. Men have this awesome power, though many do not realize it, and that is the power to say "Never again will I make that mistake", and create better lives for themselves.

[Remington]

A while back, I walked in on my girl getting screwing some dude. The next day, I went out and got a couple numbers, started an okc profile, and got laid a short time later. Go put your dick in someone, and you'll feel much better.

[Slacker101]

I half get what you mean. I didn't feel like she was particularly holding me back. Other than from other/hotter women I suppose, but that comes with an LTR. I mean she taught me to dance and I still lifted and was doing self improvement. Down the road meant when we felt like we could give a clean slate start. I understand that it's irrational to an extent.

[Onto]

(01-30-2014 01:44 PM)Slacker101 Wrote:  

Also, any tips for getting over a breakup? .

This may sound a little strange, but everyone is looking for "The One". At the same time everyone longs to be "The One".

True love occurs I suppose when both of these longings occur, but wait a minute. If she's the One how can I be the One? And if I'm the One how could she be it?

Connor MacLeod said, "There can be only One.", and in some sense I think he was expressing a truth that resonates with all. So it is in relationships there is always an adorer and the adored. We know which one you were in this case.

It's been said, 'tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all. So, you got to enjoy the feelings of love, and it does feel good, but you have to pay the price for those feelings now. From her end, she never got to feel those feelings that come with being the adorer. Sorry, you may wish she did, but she didn't on the same level as you did. This doesn't mean she didn't care for you or was attracted to you. Obviously she was, but the role of the adored is very different from the adorer. Sure, she's not hurting now, but she also never got to enjoy the intoxication of being "in love" that you did.

That said, nothing I'm going to say is going to help you get over it. Banging new chicks really won't either. Being in love is like having the Flu. Time is the only thing that cures it. It will pass, and I swear to God Almighty you look back later on this time and wonder, "what the hell was I so upset about!??"

I guarentee that.

[Slacker101]

Funny thing is whenever I said I love you she said I love you more... and I thought she did lol.

[Onto]

(01-31-2014 07:08 PM)Slacker101 Wrote:  

Funny thing is whenever I said I love you she said I love you more... heh

That is funny isn't it? A tug of war to be the adorer. Of course, I'm analyzing this all at a distance, but generally the person who says "I Love you" first and most often is the adorer.

Regardless, this chicks got issues. They all do really, but you want to focus your energies on the one who has the least amount of them.

A real successful LTR, in my experience, does not have "issues" crop up for quite some time into the relationship. Like planting a garden, it's wiser to work the land with good soil.

[Slacker101]

She said it first too.

I want to know how she killed her feelings so fast so I can do it.

[AneroidOcean]

(01-31-2014 03:14 PM)Slacker101 Wrote:  

I really appreciate it guys, really sound advice. The physical confidence is also messing with my day game. I tend to avoid approaches because of it. Plus I'm at a socially awkward university so you never know how someone will act (worth noting that I'm usually not socially awkward at all, especially in professional situations).

Treat every interaction with EVERYONE as a professional situation, just one in which you are becoming friends with the coworker/business associate.

Use that same confidence, those same mannerisms, etc...

Eventually you'll adjust and learn the ones that work better in a social environment versus professional, but use that stronger basis you have in professional settings in social ones!

[Feo]

You said you bench..but are you also doing squats and deadlifts? Those 3 things alone would solve 90% of any male human issues.

[Slacker101]

(02-01-2014 12:12 PM)Feo Wrote:  

You said you bench..but are you also doing squats and deadlifts? Those 3 things alone would solve 90% of any male human issues.

So usually I've been avoiding squats because I have bad knees and I do a lot of running so my legs are fairly well off. I've tried dead lifting but it makes me nervous that I'm doing it wrong so I've stopped until I can get someone to show me how.

[Feo]

Squats aren't just for defining your legs. Squat-deads-bench together promote production of growth hormones and insulin which directly affects testosterone production. I say together from learning the hard way..you have to do all three for those gainz. Start with small weight and ask one of the trainers to check your form. They will do it for free. Also try supplementing with zinc..there is a whole thread on it in somewhere.

Your fundamental problem is low testosterone. Get that worked out and every question you asked will solve itself

[BadgerHut]

(01-30-2014 01:44 PM)Slacker101 Wrote:  

So I've never had super confidence in the looks department. My ex said even her male friends said I'm attractive. I am in no way trolling, look at my past posts if you would like. This is actually something that has psycologically bothered me for a long time and I've been making progress over the last couple of years toward confidence. I can at least feign the confidence now. I was wondering if anyone would mind giving me their opinion or any pointers style/anything wise.

Also, any tips for getting over a breakup? I had an actual LTR for the first time in years and got emotionally attached, not common for me. She decided she was no longer in love with me but loves me and broke it off.

Working to get my alpha completely back.

Quick points on style:
* Get clothes that fit you. Don't worry about buying expensive/label/etc clothing to start, go for fit. Get tailored if you are not an off-the-rack size (most people aren't). Even if you're a bit chunky, clothes that fit well are going to look much better.
* Check out D&P's post on style: http://dangerandplay.com/2011/03/21/five...n-for-men/ esp "popping" and having textures that attract (female) touch.
* Listen to this podcast with Masculine Style http://www.manosphereradio.com/mr011-masculinestyle/
* Groom well. I have a habit of skipping shaving and get a really shitty short-beard in a few days, that costs me points. Ditto haircuts. Also trim your nails.
* I would NOT worry about body hair except make sure you don't have hair running up from your chest/back to your visible neck area. Unless you're a model or dating a sorority girl, body hair = virility.
* If you are in shape and decently groomed and your clothes fit, you are going to have it over 75% of guys in the "looks" department. You can use this to motivate yourself when you go to the gym or go to shop for clothes. "I'm going to look damn good."