[Caveman]

Hi guys, I'm in a dilemma and want to hear your stance on this problem:

How do you deal with people who don't reply to your communication? Let me give you a few examples:

• A girl or an acquaintance doesn't reply to some minor question through facebook.
• A close friend doesn't reply to something you've asked him on skype, facebook or text message and behaves as this is no big deal.
• I call someone on the cell phone coz we had agreed to go somewhere, and instead of answering and telling me that he changed his mind, or is tired or is not in the mood (which I'd be ok with), he just doesn't answer and then doesn't reply to my message either, neither immediately nor the next day nor ever.
  

When these things happen to me I'm very enraged and cannot continue any kind of relationship with such people in my life. If it's a close friend I might give him a second chance, but if he repeats such behavior I erase him from my life as well.

I'm wondering whether I'm overreacting, maybe in some cases I shouldn't be concerned about it as it's no big deal and I still might be able to profit from relationships with people who behave like that, but I just can't make myself be cool with it, when someone ignores my communication for me that's a major act of disrespect, the only time I ignore others is when they've done me wrong and I want them to know that I don't want to ever see them or hear them.

It seems to me that with technology the world has changed and I haven't adapted to it, so I really want to hear your opinions guys, how do you guys deal with situations like this?

[Starke]

(10-26-2013 11:54 AM)Caveman Wrote:  

Hi guys, I'm in a dilemma and want to hear your stance on this problem:

How do you deal with people who don't reply to your communication? Let me give you a few examples:

• A girl or an acquaintance doesn't reply to some minor question through facebook.
• A close friend doesn't reply to something you've asked him on skype, facebook or text message and behaves as this is no big deal.
• I call someone on the cell phone coz we had agreed to go somewhere, and instead of answering and telling me that he changed his mind, or is tired or is not in the mood (which I'd be ok with), he just doesn't answer and then doesn't reply to my message either, neither immediately nor the next day nor ever.
  

When these things happen to me I'm very enraged and cannot continue any kind of relationship with such people in my life. If it's a close friend I might give him a second chance, but if he repeats such behavior I erase him from my life as well.

I'm wondering whether I'm overreacting, maybe in some cases I shouldn't be concerned about it as it's no big deal and I still might be able to profit from relationships with people who behave like that, but I just can't make myself be cool with it, when someone ignores my communication for me that's a major act of disrespect, the only time I ignore others is when they've done me wrong and I want them to know that I don't want to ever see them or hear them.

It seems to me that with technology the world has changed and I haven't adapted to it, so I really want to hear your opinions guys, how do you guys deal with situations like this?

It sounds like an over-reaction.

The depressing reality is that humans have never had anything close to the levels of distraction present in modern society.

I'll often start texting a reply to a girl or a friend, only to be distracted by an incoming email or something in the news.
It's not so much a lack of respect as it is a case of supply of stimulus overwhelming the capacity for response.

If it's a regular thing ie daily, then you'd be right to infer negative motives - but if someone forgets to respond to you every couple of months or so, consider it a mistake and make sure you have alternative options.

[Caveman]

(10-26-2013 12:14 PM)Starke Wrote:  

It sounds like an over-reaction.

The depressing reality is that humans have never had anything close to the levels of distraction present in modern society.

I'll often start texting a reply to a girl or a friend, only to be distracted by an incoming email or something in the news.
It's not so much a lack of respect as it is a case of supply of stimulus overwhelming the capacity for response.

If it's a regular thing ie daily, then you'd be right to infer negative motives - but if someone forgets to respond to you every couple of months or so, consider it a mistake and make sure you have alternative options.

Actually I was talking only about cases where people choose not to reply, otherwise I'm much more forgiving if I suspect they forgot about it. I've tried some times to follow up with another message the next day but it makes no difference, that's how I know it's by choice.

[aphelion]

I just filter those people out after a few texts/whatever. Delete them on Facebook and move on about your life.

In fact, go see if you can delete 30 girls off of your Facebook right now.

[Sumanguru]

If they aren't taking the communication seriously, than neither should you.

[Dreamdorian]

I have also noticed this trend recently. Before it was just girls, now it is girls AND guys. You invite them to hang out, they confirm their attendance, and when the day comes.... Nothing. They dont show up. Dont call. Specially with guys in the "game". Have you noticed something similar?

[Pacesetter20]

(10-27-2013 09:38 AM)Dreamdorian Wrote:  

I have also noticed this trend recently. Before it was just girls, now it is girls AND guys. You invite them to hang out, they confirm their attendance, and when the day comes.... Nothing. They dont show up. Dont call. Specially with guys in the "game". Have you noticed something similar?

Yup.

[Peregrine]

(10-27-2013 09:38 AM)Dreamdorian Wrote:  

I have also noticed this trend recently. Before it was just girls, now it is girls AND guys. You invite them to hang out, they confirm their attendance, and when the day comes.... Nothing. They dont show up. Dont call. Specially with guys in the "game". Have you noticed something similar?

What do you mean by "confirm their attendance"? Clicking "attend" on a Facebook event doesn't mean anything. However, it's different if they confirm by text/phone call/in person, and then bail without an excuse. You shouldn't accept that sort of behavior from men.

As said above, there's truth to the old saying "only make time for those who make time for you".

[Silvestroyer]

(10-27-2013 10:08 AM)Peregrine Wrote:  

(10-27-2013 09:38 AM)Dreamdorian Wrote:  

I have also noticed this trend recently. Before it was just girls, now it is girls AND guys. You invite them to hang out, they confirm their attendance, and when the day comes.... Nothing. They dont show up. Dont call. Specially with guys in the "game". Have you noticed something similar?

What do you mean by "confirm their attendance"? Clicking "attend" on a Facebook event doesn't mean anything. However, it's different if they confirm by text/phone call/in person, and then bail without an excuse. You shouldn't accept that sort of behavior from men.

As said above, there's truth to the old saying "only make time for those who make time for you".

To me, they confirm by text/phone call/in person.

I noticed this trend more on younger people. They are just totally carefree, spontaneus and non-committed. They do as they please, they are unreliable, can't trust them.

It seems to me as it's just another effect of the feralization of society. The social rules are totally broken now.

[WestIndianArchie]

It just shows you what kind of people they are, and that you need to upgrade everything about yourself.

Keep in mind if you actually get better, it's often your friends and family that are the most uncomfortable with it.

WIA

[The Beast1]

(10-27-2013 02:03 PM)WestIndianArchie Wrote:  

It just shows you what kind of people they are, and that you need to upgrade everything about yourself.

Keep in mind if you actually get better, it's often your friends and family that are the most uncomfortable with it.

WIA

Agreed, I see relationships as purely transactional. If they're not responding to me, then i'm not valuable enough as an individual to be contacted.

To the OP, It sucks and seems cruel. It is. Don't let it get to you. I've noticed the same thing. The better i've made myself the more my older friends became uncomfortable and did things to screw me over.

It's best to focus on oneself and find the very few that will hold onto you regardless of how well you've built yourself or fallen on your face.

[Dr. Howard]

I would disagree with the ones who say its not a big deal. There is no need to over react about it but I would advise marking these people as unreliable and removing them from a priority in your life.

Here's why: if I have put in the time and effort to show up somewhere and another person blows me off or flakes, they are now wasting my time. This is important because my time is more important than my money. I have a fixed amount of time to use for my entire life and I do not know how much or how little I have left at the start of each day.

This trend of flaking is becoming gender universal in north america and fucks people in the ass once they get into the business world. For example, I used to hire 100+ college students for work each year, in the late 1990s every single one of those people who accepted a job offer would show up to work. In about 2004 probably 15% of those people would call or email to blow off the job about a week before they were due to show up. By 2007 20% would just not show up at all, no notice, nothing.

To compensate, we had to over hire and fire many more people in the first week to make our numbers right. Those people who did not show up wasted the business's time and money. So they were blacklisted, their names were shared mutually with our competitors who were dealing with the same thing.

[Emancipator]

The worse is if its on a platform where you can view if they read the mssg (Imessage, fbchat, kik, bbm).
If its a guy thats been giving me the passive aggresive tone I cut them out, especially the closer they were.
If its a girl I let them reengage and then do the same to them and ignore and make that hamster spin.

[MikeCF]

I'm just gonna say what everyone is thinking.

This thread sounds like it was started by a teenage girl.

You sound extremely needy, bitter, and subject to tirades and outbursts over nothing.

Yes, you are overreacting. Yes, the problem is you.

[NYJ]

If someone don't get back to you , who gives a fuck?They don't so why should you? Maybe they busy. Maybe something went down. You really don't know so since you don't have knowledge why be upset. If it's a chick, her fucking loss. It's wack but what are you going to do?

[Silvestroyer]

(10-27-2013 05:49 PM)MikeCF Wrote:  

I'm just gonna say what everyone is thinking.

This thread sounds like it was started by a teenage girl.

You sound extremely needy, bitter, and subject to tirades and outbursts over nothing.

Yes, you are overreacting. Yes, the problem is you.

That's part of the problem. It should be expected from people (specially men) to honor their word. And nowadays this is considered "weak". Not long time ago people used to keep their commitments. I guess we need to adjust to the new "trend", suck it up and also do the same.

[Caveman]

(10-27-2013 05:49 PM)MikeCF Wrote:  

I'm just gonna say what everyone is thinking.

This thread sounds like it was started by a teenage girl.

You sound extremely needy, bitter, and subject to tirades and outbursts over nothing.

Yes, you are overreacting. Yes, the problem is you.

You probably haven't understood me well. The worst thing that happened was that I recently had to discard a very loyal and close friend of mine who's always been ready to jump into fire to help me with anything anytime, only because he ignores my communication (and everybody elses) at will, and this behaviour of his seemed to be getting worse with time. I've given it quite some thought, and the result is that no benefit of any relationship can make me tolerate disrespect, even if the disrespect is all in my head and he had no such intention.

(10-27-2013 04:49 PM)wiscanada Wrote:  

I would disagree with the ones who say its not a big deal.

Thanks, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who's bothered by it.

(10-27-2013 04:49 PM)wiscanada Wrote:  

This trend of flaking is becoming gender universal in north america and fucks people in the ass once they get into the business world.

Ha ha ha, I'm sadistically happy to hear this.

(10-27-2013 12:01 PM)Silvestroyer Wrote:  

I noticed this trend more on younger people. They are just totally carefree, spontaneus and non-committed. They do as they please, they are unreliable, can't trust them.

It seems to me as it's just another effect of the feralization of society. The social rules are totally broken now.

Yup the world is not the same as it was only 10 years ago, and it seems to be changing only for the worst. As time goes by I see people more like zombies rather than people.

(10-27-2013 02:03 PM)WestIndianArchie Wrote:  

It just shows you what kind of people they are, and that you need to upgrade everything about yourself.

Keep in mind if you actually get better, it's often your friends and family that are the most uncomfortable with it.

WIA

You have to simulate, learn to be politically correct and adopt some behaviours which made your stomach turn in the past (for me it's much easier said than done), no one of us can surround himself with real people only, we're too sparsely distributed around the globe, when among zombies you must look like a zombie yourself.

(10-28-2013 06:05 AM)Silvestroyer Wrote:  

It should be expected from people (specially men) to honor their word. And nowadays this is considered "weak". Not long time ago people used to keep their commitments. I guess we need to adjust to the new "trend", suck it up and also do the same.

Nooooooo please don't adopt it as a default behaviour towards everyone. Instead we need some sort of screening tests to be able to distinguish the real people from the zombies and then adjust ourselves toward each one appropriately.

[MikeCF]

(10-28-2013 06:20 AM)Caveman Wrote:  

You probably haven't understood me well. The worst thing that happened was that I recently had to discard a very loyal and close friend of mine who's always been ready to jump into fire to help me with anything anytime, only because he ignores my communication (and everybody elses) at will, and this behaviour of his seemed to be getting worse with time. I've given it quite some thought, and the result is that no benefit of any relationship can make me tolerate disrespect, even if the disrespect is all in my head and he had no such intention.

You are choosing to view it as disrespectful.

Maybe he's busy.

Maybe he gets depressed.

Maybe he's introverted and doesn't want to "communicate" all day.

Unless it's an urgent message ("In jail, bro, come bail me out") who cares?

[Caveman]

(10-28-2013 05:57 PM)MikeCF Wrote:  

(10-28-2013 06:20 AM)Caveman Wrote:  

You probably haven't understood me well. The worst thing that happened was that I recently had to discard a very loyal and close friend of mine who's always been ready to jump into fire to help me with anything anytime, only because he ignores my communication (and everybody elses) at will, and this behaviour of his seemed to be getting worse with time. I've given it quite some thought, and the result is that no benefit of any relationship can make me tolerate disrespect, even if the disrespect is all in my head and he had no such intention.

You are choosing to view it as disrespectful.

Maybe he's busy.

Maybe he gets depressed.

Maybe he's introverted and doesn't want to "communicate" all day.

Unless it's an urgent message ("In jail, bro, come bail me out") who cares?

Yes I and many other peope indeed choose to view it as disrespectful. It's not even a choice, it's more like a feeling which I cannot reprogram. Call us old fashioned if you will.

And to make it clear this thread is strictly about people who choose not to reply because they consider it not a big deal, I mentioned above that if there's even a little justification (even having forgotten) then I'm very forgiving.

And this particular friend doesn't fall into any of your suggestions, he had this going on for years not only towards me but also towards other close friends of ours, and generally towards all people, and we have warned him multiple times how irritating it is but he remained and even worsened. So I'm glad I had him for a very good friend for over a decade, but now he's just a very distant acquaintance, and for being so unreliable I won't dedicate to him even one hour per year to see him again.

[TheSlayer]

Out of all the thing that OP listed the only thing that is a big no-no is this:

(10-26-2013 11:54 AM)Caveman Wrote:  

• I call someone on the cell phone coz we had agreed to go somewhere, and instead of answering and telling me that he changed his mind, or is tired or is not in the mood (which I'd be ok with), he just doesn't answer and then doesn't reply to my message either, neither immediately nor the next day nor ever.
  

Other than that, it doesn't matter. I expect girls to flake and not reply to my messages and calls. People don't reply to my texts here and there and I do the same. I don't do it intentionally as some sort of game but I am one of those guys who isn't checking his phone 24/7. Many times I will put my phone in one part of the house and then move around and get stuck with other chores.

When it comes to making plans with close friends and them flopping without any warnings that's unacceptable. I agree with you that I have noticed this flakiness more and more in guys my age as well.

I have noticed guys talking shit about going here or there but then when the times comes all of them disappear.

I do agree with Mike that it could just be an overreaction on your part especially in regard to not hearing back from girls/acquaintances.

[Dr. Howard]

(10-28-2013 06:35 PM)TheSlayer Wrote:  

Out of all the thing that OP listed the only thing that is a big no-no is this:

(10-26-2013 11:54 AM)Caveman Wrote:  

• I call someone on the cell phone coz we had agreed to go somewhere, and instead of answering and telling me that he changed his mind, or is tired or is not in the mood (which I'd be ok with), he just doesn't answer and then doesn't reply to my message either, neither immediately nor the next day nor ever.
  

Other than that, it doesn't matter. I expect girls to flake and not reply to my messages and calls. People don't reply to my texts here and there and I do the same. I don't do it intentionally as some sort of game but I am one of those guys who isn't checking his phone 24/7. Many times I will put my phone in one part of the house and then move around and get stuck with other chores.

When it comes to making plans with close friends and them flopping without any warnings that's unacceptable. I agree with you that I have noticed this flakiness more and more in guys my age as well.

I have noticed guys talking shit about going here or there but then when the times comes all of them disappear.

I do agree with Mike that it could just be an overreaction on your part especially in regard to not hearing back from girls/acquaintances.

Thanks for advancing some clarity. I agree, that the issue at hand is someone, a male friend, committing to show up somewhere and then just bailing. Just not replying to a text isn't something to get worked up about.

One point in question might be to also see if the OP isn't over-reading commitment. A friend of mine is notoriously non-committal. He's one of those guys that if he shows up, he shows up. We know not to ask him to be the lead on something. He is however, very loyal and if someone were to say "bro I need bail" he would show up, on time, with money.

Don't read into "sounds fun" or "I might see you there" as commitment.

[Christian McQueen]

I was going to respond to this thread, but then....

[MidniteSpecial]

Stop caring.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Don't take every little thing personal. Act like a man.