[Harambulus]

My mother is visiting for the weekend. I really hate spending time with her and it makes me feel like I want to die.

It isn't cos she is horrible but more she always tries to force everything and nags me and always wants to do boring activities which I really hate. We have extremely little in common in that she is very weak and inauthentic mentally and always wants to repress stuff whereas I value authenticity/being true to myself above pretty much everything else. Think the superficial shellac so common of your average middle classer.

Anyway I was getting really down thinking about how I might fake my own death then I decided to do a quick cost-benefit analysis of what my mum has done for me.

I realizied that if it weren't for her I never would have been able to live in the city centre apartment that I currently live in as she vouched for me income wise. So that made me appreciate her a bit more.

Still though I really don't get on with her as she is all about repressing things and ignoring any mental/difficult issues and pretending everything is ok even when I act adamantly withdrawn when she visits and barely say a word to her.

I have thought- am I bieng a brat/ungrateful/whatever but these are ideals that other people would put on me, I only know how I feel. I've often thought I'd like to live on my own without anyone bugging me- ie be totally cut off form my parents but having thought about it that would probably wreck my gaming lifestyle in the short term at least. Unfortunately the only reason I appreciate them is for monetary reasons and I otherwise see them as a thorn in my side as they aren't really interesting people and I find them very boring and a drag otherwise.

The main reason for my annoyance is when she wants to spend time with me it wrecks my gaming time which I would like to do 365 days a year (not that much but you get the idea).

The more into game is the less tolerant I am of things that interrupt my gaming regimen. Then again once I thought that she helped me get a lovely city centre apartment that indirectly helped my game, something I took for granted, I realized the net benefit she gave is more than the little she takes from my gametime on visits.

I want to discuss this and fully explore the ramifications of this as I have been so pissed off with the situation I want to at least get it sorted out in my head so I'm not as annoyed to see her and/or find ways to improve the relationship such that I don't find it a chore/at least tolerable when I see her as short of faking my own death or her dying I don't see things changing.

The main thing which pisses me off is we have so little in common and she will ask me about my life and if I told her things I were really into her eyes just glaze over as she has no concept of how it could be enjoyable and so I just withdraw not knowing how to interact with her.

With friends who bring you down/annoy you it is easy to cut them off but I hate family in that you are sort of tied to them.

[kerouac]

So the cost is annoyance and lack of independence, and benefit is nice apartment and money...

Well here's the thing... your parents are hooking you up with a place in a good area, and while you want to be gaming 24/7, you can't give up a few moments of your life to the woman who gave you life, because she is a boring middle class woman?

Anyway, I know mom's can be pretty annoying because mine is pretty damn annoying too, but you still have to put in some time with your family. You play the part of the good son in front of her if you want, if only for a couple of hours, and then afterwards do whatever the fuck you want. That's just the part of being someone's child. They're hooking you up because deep down they like you, so just realize that they're being affectionate towards you and try to appreciate that.

[Harambulus]

I think part of the problem is that cos I don't have a job and game is the only thing I do then when they come I have no 'normal life' to explain to them.

Like she will ask me what I'm passionate about and in my head I'm thinking I fucking love the game! but of course I can't really explain that in PC terms. I guess when I really get good at game and I have girls all the time I can tell her bits about the girls I am seeing but for now it's like having a secret life.

So it feels like I have to do at least a cpl of 'normal' things so it can act as a 'cover' for my secret pickup life.

A job would be good cos then I can have a legit excuse for being busy but again I want to work as little as poss so as not to interfere with my gaming.

I moved into a new place recently and just got the bills and they are more than excepted so i have to get a job anyway so I 'spose that will be leverage.