[Pinch]

I know that houston made a thread about the trouble he was having with his Father a while back. I was just reading it, since I'm having mostly the same issues with my dad, and I was pretty shocked at the amount of people on here who have had pretty bad or absolutely no relationship with their father whatsoever.

Anyways, my dad has always been an alcoholic and over the past five years he's been struggling hard. He's practically homeless and basically everyone in his life, besides me has abandoned and cut off contact with him.

The trouble is, I'm almost at that point now. Whenever we speak on the phone, it's him ranting and talking about all of his problems for about twenty minutes, I don't even say a word the entire time. Usually, he tells me that I'm fucking up and that I don't know what I'm doing. In reality, I'm not at all, I've got plans, and I don't usually waste time like I used to. He thinks that I still sleep in until two in the afternoon, thinks that I do drugs, thinks that I'm partying all the time, thinks that I'm clueless , all of these things. I've tried to tell him that I'm actually the opposite, and that I do want to do well for myself and be successful but absolutely nothing sinks in. He cannot listen to me, even when he allows me to speak he cuts me off and tells me I'm wrong.

Well I'm at the point now that I can't do it anymore. It's affecting my self confidence and mental attitude. I don't want to turn my back on him but I've been trying to be there for him for the past six years and he doesn't even acknowledge that I've helped him plenty of times, he denies it and tells me that I don't do shit for him. He's extremely manipulative and guilt trips me almost every conversation, and if I tell him that I don't want to hear it he tells ME that I'm being manipulative. It's insanity. I'm 22 and I need to have my focus. He throws monkey wrenches at me whenever I call him or pick up when he's calling.

The only good time we've ever had is when he's sober, I've told him this, wrote him a letter before and he just takes it as an attack and pretty much tells me I'm acting like a brainwashed pussy that listens to my mother too much.

I've given him plenty of patience and understanding but nothing is changing, and he's blaming me for it. So I'm wondering if anyone knows of a good way to handle it. Has anyone had any similar experiences? I've tried to cut off communications with him but I usually get worried and give him a call and it's right back to the same old bullshit. Any ideas? Thanks.

Pinch

[Beyond Borders]

I only have my mother but she's an alcoholic too. I tend to just not pick up the phone if she calls me at a time when I know she's drinking - I'm pretty good at predicting her patterns and can tell instantly when she's got vodka in her voice. Problem is she typically only calls to talk when she's drunk, but over the years I've come to decide that's more her problem than mine.

If you do happen to pick up the phone and realize he's wasted, just make an excuse and get off. He probably won't remember later, or even if he does, the sting it had when he was drunk won't be as extreme. I must admit I've even faked a bad phone signal a time or two and said I couldn't hear her. It is what it is.

It sucks to have to field parents in this manner, but letting his addiction walk all over you is damaging to you and your relationship with him. In this way, you can put your foot down without being confrontational if facing it head on is meeting too much resistance.

Controlling a messed up parent is even harder than controlling a messed up child (I'd imagine), so just strive for harmony and be happy with that.

[teh_skeeze]

Is your father a veteran? I've been having issues with my father lately. He suffers from PTSD and one of my co-workers seems to have had a similar upbringing to me. So I decided to look into the problems that the progeny of Vietnam vets have and I found this. I probably should seek help, I just can't afford it.

I know the feelings that you are having. I'm the only person that my dad has in this world. My sister stopped talking to him almost 2 decades ago and my brother only talks to him when he needs something. I end up taking the brunt of the frustrations (e.g. Last week I got called a fuck up the second I walked through the door after a 10 hour shift at work. I work 55 hours a week). There are many times that I just want to take out the lifetime of frustrations out on him while giving him the finger and never speaking to him again. I try to be understanding, but in the end I just get shit on. The only thing that keeps me going is the faith that my loyalty will eventually pay off. I'm sure I'll be disappointed with that in the end. Oh well, at least I can hold my head high.

[Days of Broken Arrows]

(07-29-2013 05:40 PM)Pinch Wrote:  

I know that houston made a thread about the trouble he was having with his Father a while back. I was just reading it, since I'm having mostly the same issues with my dad, and I was pretty shocked at the amount of people on here who have had pretty bad or absolutely no relationship with their father whatsoever.

Anyways, my dad has always been an alcoholic and over the past five years he's been struggling hard. He's practically homeless and basically everyone in his life, besides me has abandoned and cut off contact with him.

The trouble is, I'm almost at that point now. Whenever we speak on the phone, it's him ranting and talking about all of his problems for about twenty minutes, I don't even say a word the entire time. Usually, he tells me that I'm fucking up and that I don't know what I'm doing. In reality, I'm not at all, I've got plans, and I don't usually waste time like I used to. He thinks that I still sleep in until two in the afternoon, thinks that I do drugs, thinks that I'm partying all the time, thinks that I'm clueless , all of these things. I've tried to tell him that I'm actually the opposite, and that I do want to do well for myself and be successful but absolutely nothing sinks in. He cannot listen to me, even when he allows me to speak he cuts me off and tells me I'm wrong.

Well I'm at the point now that I can't do it anymore. It's affecting my self confidence and mental attitude. I don't want to turn my back on him but I've been trying to be there for him for the past six years and he doesn't even acknowledge that I've helped him plenty of times, he denies it and tells me that I don't do shit for him. He's extremely manipulative and guilt trips me almost every conversation, and if I tell him that I don't want to hear it he tells ME that I'm being manipulative. It's insanity. I'm 22 and I need to have my focus. He throws monkey wrenches at me whenever I call him or pick up when he's calling.

The only good time we've ever had is when he's sober, I've told him this, wrote him a letter before and he just takes it as an attack and pretty much tells me I'm acting like a brainwashed pussy that listens to my mother too much.

I've given him plenty of patience and understanding but nothing is changing, and he's blaming me for it. So I'm wondering if anyone knows of a good way to handle it. Has anyone had any similar experiences? I've tried to cut off communications with him but I usually get worried and give him a call and it's right back to the same old bullshit. Any ideas? Thanks.

Pinch

This sounds like he's got a narcissistic personality disorder, which often goes hand-in-hand with alcoholism. Examples:

"I've been trying to be there for him for the past six years and he doesn't even acknowledge that I've helped him plenty of times, he denies it and tells me that I don't do shit for him."

He's the parent. You're not supposed to be doing shit for him. He's supposed to be doing shit for you. That's the way of nature: parents take care of their spawn. The fact that he just assumes this script should be flipped shows how far gone he is. I assume he would end the relationship of you did a "reframe" and told him this, but it's worth noting to yourself.

"Usually, he tells me that I'm fucking up and that I don't know what I'm doing."

Parents who make blanket statements like this don't change, sad to say. As I headed into my thirties and became successful I found my dad still had a laundry list of problems with me. It's now at the point where when he starts in I step in and ask him which of the myriad of accomplishments he has a problem with. Then I remind him I'm not a teenager anymore and can just walk away, so he needs to find someone else to bully.

My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but was an over-the-top abusive bully who permanently fucked up my body by denying me meds when I had a chronic illness. But I maintain some relationship for "family peace" (gag). The only way I can deal with him is: 1). I see him as little as possible - usually only on holidays and; 2). I let what he says go in one ear and out the other as if a mentally retarded kid was trying to explain airplane technology.

I would be careful, too, of the template this relationship is setting up for your future. If you feel the need to cater to an a-hole to make everything OK, that's going to bleed into your relationships with women, bosses and friends. You'll feel like you're always in the wrong and be less successful and happy (this was my problem for years). You'll also feel needless guilt and like you have to answer to people. So be sure to put this one relationship in a box and not let it taint your worldview. Good luck.