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If You Want a More Thoughtful Boyfriend, Try Pegging Him
by Hugo Schwyzer
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Want to make straight men better in bed — and better feminist allies? The path may be simple: fuck them up the ass. According to one brand new book, the path to making men more compassionate, appreciative and playful may be straight through their butts.
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In The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners, Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian make the case that straight "men who get into anal penetration are among the most secure in their masculinity: because they've examined themselves, faced their fears."
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In a deeply misogynistic culture, there are few greater fears with which men are raised than the fear of being labeled as someone who acts like a woman, allowing himself to be penetrated. There's a reason why insults like "pussy" and "cunt," when thrown at men, are so much more inflammatory than "dick" or "prick." Reducing a man to what he already possesses is mildly insulting at best. Calling him a female body part that men penetrate with their penises: fighting words. (Never mind that many women never have heterosexual vaginal or anal intercourse; our cultural myths suggest that all do, or at least should.) In his Myth of the Modern Homosexual, historian and cultural theorist Rictor Norton explains that the term "asshole" developed as a homophobic (and thus woman-hating) slur; while women and men both have rectums, a man who is anally penetrated has lost his manhood, and thus become feminized. Norton implies that this is why we don't often call women assholes: the word has no particular power to wound someone who isn't anxious about preserving masculine status.
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Glickman and Emirzian acknowledge that this myth is persistent: "The idea that penetration is an act of dominance is almost certainly tied in to sexism and the notion that the woman's role is inferior. Plenty of men have absorbed these ideas at a subconscious level. Even if a man doesn't think it is an act of dominance when he penetrates his (male or female) partner, he may still hesitate to switch roles because he is afraid that it will mean losing his masculinity if he takes a turn catching instead of pitching." Women absorb these ideas as well. "Quite a few women discover that they've absorbed judgments about how men, especially their partners, should behave," the authors point out. In other words, your guy may want you to do him in the ass — but you may have to contend with your own doubts. Does it mean he's secretly gay? Or worse: can I still be attracted to him — or respect his masculinity — after I've pegged him?
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As real as these anxieties and stereotypes are, they're eroding fast – "more and more male–female pairs are discovering prostate play and having a grand time doing it," Glickman and Emirzian write.
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The payoff for clearing those hurdles, Glickman says, is nothing less than the radical transformation of heterosexual sex. In 2011, Glickman wrote a column entitled "How Pegging Can Save the World," arguing that no other erotic experience a man can undergo can create greater empathy with women than being penetrated by his partner.
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For women, Glickman and Emirzian write, the experience of pegging a man can be equally revelatory, suggesting that "many women who use strap-on dildos discover how much work, responsibility, and (sometimes) power can be part of fucking someone." It's intellectually reckless to impose political meanings onto private acts, but it seems telling that in an "End of Men" era where exhausted and stressed-out women already are shouldering so much more "work" and "responsibility" than ever before, those burdens are extended — in a novel way — to the bedroom as well.
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That's just not true, Glickman and Emirzian insist, and the sooner men get over their anxiety and guilt, the more fun they and their partners will have. And maybe, just maybe, we can peg our way right out of sexism itself.
In this we witness the culmination of a new form of what I like to call straight shaming.
It is not enough now to merely be a heterosexual and tolerate those who have different orientations. Now, to truly combat misogyny, one must be fully open to participating in homosexual acts.
If you aren't comfortable taking it up the ass as a male, then you're a) promoting the perpetuation of a misogynistic culture, b) showing that you're not comfortable in your sexuality and c) promoting homophobia (which is now, apparently, also woman-hate).
In other words, any male who is not open to participating in a homosexual act is now presumed to be insecure and, therefore, secretly gay/bi. Males who are open to the act are tolerant and worthy, combating sexism/misogyny, and openly performing homosexual acts. The homosexuals, of course, are still as they always were.
Where does this logic leave us, then?
EVERY MAN IS QUEER.
The goal is not just to promote the tolerance of homosexuality, but to promote the
dominance of homosexuality. That is, to make homosexuality and openness to engaging in it the only acceptable way forward.
There lies your end game.