[spaceman]

Fellas, need some help recovering my LTR.

I will keep it short, but I am an ex-pat dating a University student in the EU 10 years younger than me for the last 2 years, and she broke up with me a week ago. I have instituted the No contact rule since, per Roissy’s post (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/04/1...irlfriend/) , but need some additional advice.

When we first dated, my alphaness/value was much higher than hers but as I got deeper into the relationship, I beta-backslided hard. I fell into the traps of insecurity, jealous, and especially anger as our relationship went on. Another mistake, see : (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2008/02/0...ger-women/)

Since she started university for the past year, she has had a circle of beta orbiters and friends which has caused me endless jealousy. The catalyst for the break up was some extreme immaturity and anger I displayed but now looking back, the signs for the break up were there for the last couple of months, I was just too naive to believe it. I am pretty ashamed to say, during the surprise of the break up talk, I acted like a super bitch.
Now, the chances of saving the relationship is small but I would like to try. Do you recommend I continue with the 3 week rule and then try to initiate a contact and a drinks date or do more drastic measures need to be taken?

I have this need to explain myself and apologize for my actions but that will do nothing correct? I suck at relationships and need any help would be great.

[Rah]

As beta as you may have been, she dumped you -- a slight no man of self worth would suffer by slinking back to her. Doing so would only confirm her low opinion of you. Apologize to her? Come now, you know better.

You made mistakes, learn from them, move on, bang other women.

[ElBorrachoInfamoso]

She's not worth having back.

[ryanf]

(01-24-2013 06:29 PM)spaceman Wrote:  

Fellas, need some help recovering my LTR.

I will keep it short, but I am an ex-pat dating a University student in the EU 10 years younger than me for the last 2 years, and she broke up with me a week ago. I have instituted the No contact rule since, per Roissy’s post (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/04/1...irlfriend/) , but need some additional advice.

When we first dated, my alphaness/value was much higher than hers but as I got deeper into the relationship, I beta-backslided hard. I fell into the traps of insecurity, jealous, and especially anger as our relationship went on. Another mistake, see : (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2008/02/0...ger-women/)

Since she started university for the past year, she has had a circle of beta orbiters and friends which has caused me endless jealousy. The catalyst for the break up was some extreme immaturity and anger I displayed but now looking back, the signs for the break up were there for the last couple of months, I was just too naive to believe it. I am pretty ashamed to say, during the surprise of the break up talk, I acted like a super bitch.
Now, the chances of saving the relationship is small but I would like to try. Do you recommend I continue with the 3 week rule and then try to initiate a contact and a drinks date or do more drastic measures need to be taken?

I have this need to explain myself and apologize for my actions but that will do nothing correct? I suck at relationships and need any help would be great.

If you take milk out of the refrigerator and it spoils, does putting it back in the fridge make it fresh again? No. Such is the dynamic of relationships.

Find other girls.

[Days of Broken Arrows]

Some people take breakups hard. Men especially. I was one of them.

I had a three-year relationship in college with a girl who I had no qualms about cheating on when it suited me. In fact, the weekend we broke up I was late in meeting her because I was screwing around with the girl in the college's legal aid office. Yet when she initiated the break up, I fell apart.

I've often looked back at what I would have done differently. This is your chance not to make the mistakes I made. Here goes.

1). Listen to Roissy about not initiating contact.

2). Live this part of your life as if you were looking back on it. Get some perspective. That girl (above) from legal aid had breasts so big she had to get an operation to make them smaller (she was thin and petite). Yet I was so depressed I ended up not even boning her. Looking back at all this now, it's those breasts I regret not getting more of, not the bitch who broke my heart. Think about how you will view all this later.

3). You need to go back to the Alpha you were pre-relationship. This happened to me too. I was screwing everything yet when it came to this girl I became her whipping boy. Why? One reason was that I thought she was the best I could do. I continued to think that for a long time. Looking back now? Hahahahahahaaha. You lived without her once, you can do it again.

4). When she does inevitably initiate contact, don't do like I did. Play it cool. When I did this at first, she was still interested. When I fell apart she wasn't. There's a lesson there.

5). Unlike in my day, you have the internet, where tons of women lurk waiting for a decent guy. You are not limited to your college or town like I was. Use online resources (Facebook, dating sites) to find someone who might be better for you.

6). Get a mentor in a college professor or some worthwhile male figure. I was able to get perspective on my situation only after the vice provost (who was my advisor) pulled me aside, asked what was wrong, and then told me what my problem was (negative thinking, One-itis).

That's all I got. The year after I got dumped I had something like one girl a month I either screwed or who wanted to screw me. Yet I was so depressed I felt like a failure and couldn't enjoy it. Don't do like I did. I now have a hard time believing the opportunities I had at age 21.

Finally, part of the reason I was depressed was because of parental pressure to settle down early. If this is part of your deal, consider seeking help. There are parents who put unreasonable demands on their kids and are way too involved in their kids' lives. Mine had my life planned out without my permission. I wasn't so much upset that my g/f and I split per se as I was that it reflected badly on me --- and marked me as a "failure" in the eyes of my parents. This is BS. My family was dysfunctional beyond anything I could perceive. Parents should not be up their kids' asses this much. Just a warning if this is your deal. With better parents, I might not have been upset at all, but they made it a zillion times worse and I was forced to listen to them berate me endlessly because "since we pay for college, you have to listen."

I'd also be curious to know if there was some child abuse in your past. I've noticed guys that take breakups hard are often reliving the rejection of a parent.

[Insignia]

(01-24-2013 06:29 PM)spaceman Wrote:  

Fellas, need some help recovering my LTR.

I will keep it short, but I am an ex-pat dating a University student in the EU 10 years younger than me for the last 2 years, and she broke up with me a week ago. I have instituted the No contact rule since, per Roissy’s post (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2007/04/1...irlfriend/) , but need some additional advice.

When we first dated, my alphaness/value was much higher than hers but as I got deeper into the relationship, I beta-backslided hard. I fell into the traps of insecurity, jealous, and especially anger as our relationship went on. Another mistake, see : (http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2008/02/0...ger-women/)

Since she started university for the past year, she has had a circle of beta orbiters and friends which has caused me endless jealousy. The catalyst for the break up was some extreme immaturity and anger I displayed but now looking back, the signs for the break up were there for the last couple of months, I was just too naive to believe it. I am pretty ashamed to say, during the surprise of the break up talk, I acted like a super bitch.
Now, the chances of saving the relationship is small but I would like to try. Do you recommend I continue with the 3 week rule and then try to initiate a contact and a drinks date or do more drastic measures need to be taken?

I have this need to explain myself and apologize for my actions but that will do nothing correct? I suck at relationships and need any help would be great.

I don't think its worth salvaging such a relationship but if you want to I will try to give you advice.

First of all, we have to know why you were broken up with and the reason is is that when you first met the girl like you said you protrayed alphaness but there is a huge difference between keeping a girl and getting a girl. Yes, you were alpha and she was really into you the first month but that doesn't mean you can just bring her home and start acting like a beta again, that is like if the girl you met was skinny and sexy and then gained 30 pounds of fat.

I suggest you wait around a month before contacting her again, because she was the one that ended the relationship so you do not want to contact her too quickly because it signifies that you are needy and beta. When you first contact her keep it short and to the point, no long paragraph confessions or an article on how you fucked up. DO NOT write about how or why you fucked up and don't explain yourself, just contact her and try meet her out for a couple of drinks, if she hesitates just say that if is "friendly" and nothing will happen. This might sound counter-productive but you have to remember girls are illogical.

Once you get her to meet up with you its pretty much good from there, just protray alpha traits and past some shit tests, fuck her like any other girl and you should get her back.

[polymath]

Keep radio silence for a while (month or two), then ping her (text, fb message, something casual) just to test the waters.

But dude, you're thinking about apologizing for your behavior.....that's just gonna make you look worse than you already look.

Your first priority should be to work on your attitude and self-esteem. Eventually you will realize that an apology is just a way of begging her for a relationship where you will have no power and will have the constant fear that she will distance herself again.

Let it play out for a while without capitulating, then re-up without reminding her of the reasons she broke it off in the first place.

[kinjutsu]

I went through a similar thing...
The one thing about falling for a girl is that your game slips...little by little you start to slip. Then you dont mind slipping because she's into you...or at least that what your ego tells you.
Stick with the 2/3 rule. @ acts of beta for every 3 acts of alpha. I prefer 3 acts of alpha to 1 act of beta just to keep things interesting.

Did you like shit slide with her because she's your gf? But upon reflection if you were dominant with her a) she would've never done that or b) you would have sent her packing or at least kicked her out of bed.

[mental]

Just like said in "Bang", say "it's her loss". Best cure for a woman is another woman, so once you bang another one it should go away.

[RandalGraves]

Coming from a similar situation not long ago, I agree with everyone here. I was reading your story and nodding along the whole time until I saw you ask about trying to get her back in 3 weeks.

You just got out of an LTR. Even for guys who get sex, it hurts feeling that rejection. Right now, your emotional turmoil is your brain purging your emotional addiction to the relationship. It happens.

Just remind yourself that you found a quality girl, you can do it again, too. Go check out the "what do you consider a 10" thread and realize there's so many hot girls out there, it's time to look to the future. The emotions will dull over time, just ride it out.

[Ovid]

Think with your logic, not emotions. Maybe this girl is worth trying to get back. Maybe she's the cat's meow, and is a delight to be around. But is she really? She just broke up with you, which strongly indicates that the two of you aren't as perfect for one another as the optimistic and emotional side of your brain would like to believe. You even said the signs have been visible for some time, now. Chances are, getting back together isn't going to solve anything, if it's even possible. On top of that, things will never be the same between you, and she will never forget the weakness you showed when the breakup happened. It's better to move on and start fresh. Why reward a girl who broke your heart with more thought and attention? Let her go her own way and learn the folly of her actions.

[spaceman]

Guys, alot of great great points here. I really appreciate it and have been marinating on the situation for 2 weeks now since the break up. We have no contact since.
I definitely let some things slide because she was my girlfriend and became comfortable in the relationship and lost my edge. One thing that sticks with me that she said was that "You are good at picking up girls. but not keeping girls". Anyways, I decided that I will give it a few more days and try to meet her for a casual drink and see how it goes. If nothing else, it will give me a chance to come to grips about the mistakes I made and then I can move on.

Truthfully, I am not sure if the relationship is worth saving. We have been dating for 2 years and neither of us are ready for marriage. So if that is the case, and we have all of these cultural, age difference and logistical problems (ie, I am moving back to the states sometime in next few years).... then is it worth fighting for this relationship? I don't know.

But, I still love her for all the good she had brought to my life and I can't ignore that.

[Matt3B]

Mate, it's the hardest thing to get over but you just have to let go. Seriously. I've been there before, just let go. Don't worry about loose ends, don't worry about unfinished business and don't worry about anything else to do with her other than the lessons you've learned because none of those loose ends will tie up and none of that business will ever get finished.

You have to try your best to look at it objectively. You say you were higher value than her when you first hooked up and now you're the angry, jealous one watching her have swarms of guys around her. What value is she bringing to you? What about her is making you a better person?

The girl dumped you and the only way to make her want you back (not that should worry about that) is going back out there and improving yourself physically and mentally, your money situation and the people you associate with. As well as fucking hotter chicks.

This is gonna sound harsh but she sees you as a bitch because of the way you acted. No amount of talking things over will make that any better and there will be no chance that apologising for mistakes, or saying you will work on certain things or trying to work out together what went wrong will help. The girl's mind is made up.

Strip away all emotion and you know it's best for you to move on. Personally, I would suggest deleting her number, deleting her off Facebook or whatever else you have her on and dedicate time to yourself. Reflect on what went wrong alone and make the right steps mentally to make sure it doesn't happen again. Keep reading the manosphere, particularly Rollo (rationalmale.wordpress.com) and you will get over it. In fact, I would read up a lot on that, see how these guys view women and you will piece everything together. Hang out with your mates as much as you can and don't talk to them about the girl. Also go and game some girls.

Read your posts back. Imagine I wrote them and was looking for advice. What would you say to me? Invite her out for a drink as friends and try talk things through? Fuck that.

We're all here, man. Any time you're struggling just come on the boards.

[TheCaptainPower]

Dude, I got 2 words for you"

SPRING BREAK

Get a trip going, work out hard, and post 5,000 pics on fbook of you with some hot girls...

Don't contact her, she will contact you...

It's rough in the beginning, but once you start getting some ass things will feel better...

[spaceman]

I am with you guys 100% about getting back into shape and fixing and improving my life, regardless if we get back together.

I just can't seem to let go, I have this feeling that she is waiting for me to call so we can work things out. I am just not sure how to play it when I call, I am having a hard time understanding why apologizing and trying to fix things about myself is the wrong way to go? Roissy's advice doesn't exactly make sense to me. Although, she did tell me she is tired of me making the same mistakes over and over and then promising to fix them.... then doing them again. I know I cannot apoligize again and promise to do better this time.

I hate women.

[Rah]

Maybe you don't realize it, but you've basically ignored everything everyone said to you thus far. You seem to be looking for validation more than advice and I don't think you're going to get any validation here. Supplicate and play the beta if you must, but no one here thinks it's a good play and I don't think you would either if you could look at it from the outside. If you tend to be more beta in a relationship at least go find a nice foreign girl who won't drop your ass because of it like this aloof Western college co-ed.

I once "made up" with a girlfriend of over a year...and it turned into a nightmare relationship lasting many many years longer. How I wish someone would have slapped some sense into me before the fateful night that we got back together.

[funkyzeit]

I know how you feel, but don't do that. Don't explain, don't answer her calls, dont apologize. Especially, don't spend any time planning some "emotional revenge" that will make her yours again (I know you think about all of this). Cut all contact.

Also, prepare for her to have someone new in a matter of weeks (ignore this, don't accuse her of being a whore or something, it is a major shit test that you need to pass). Don't drink for some time, since you WILL drunk call/text her if you do. Spend some time with friends, family, they will take care of you. Find some new hobby where you'll meet new people and that will keep your mind busy from thinking of her. Love is addiction, and a sudden stop is hard. With new hobbies, new people, you'll be able to channel your sorrow into something productive, and you'll be fine in a month.

[spaceman]

Good points, just wanted to clarify that I am living in Germany and the ex is a young German girl whose 10 years younger than me. So the foreign thing is already there.

I Understand what you guys are saying as to not supplicate to her and move on but if I will regret not ever giving us a chance to patch things up.

[Matt3B]

(01-30-2013 03:10 AM)spaceman Wrote:  

I am with you guys 100% about getting back into shape and fixing and improving my life, regardless if we get back together.

I just can't seem to let go, I have this feeling that she is waiting for me to call so we can work things out. I am just not sure how to play it when I call, I am having a hard time understanding why apologizing and trying to fix things about myself is the wrong way to go? Roissy's advice doesn't exactly make sense to me. Although, she did tell me she is tired of me making the same mistakes over and over and then promising to fix them.... then doing them again. I know I cannot apoligize again and promise to do better this time.

I hate women.

Sorry mate but she dumped you, she's not waiting for you to call. If she wanted to work things out she would have messaged you or called you by now to meet. Calling her will only reinforce in her mind what she thought about you when she dumped you.

They say that when a girl has made her mind up to fuck a guy, she will. You can't deter her from thinking that way even if all of her family and friends are protesting. It works the same way here, she's made her mind up. The more you squeeze the more it'll slip away.

Look, we've all been in this situation before. If you really care about this broad and want to get back with her, the way to do it is to show her that you don't need her and are moving on. You need your value to be higher than hers again to make her think "why did I break up with him?" It'll take time and patience and radio silence on your part.

You've come on here for advice and we've given it but it sounds like you're choosing to ignore it. I'll tell you now, if you chase her it'll make things worse.

[GenJx]

she dumped you once, she'll dump you again no matter if you get back together, its over

[Ovid]

If she really cared about you, then she, as the woman, would accept your failings because you are the man and, human nature being what it is, should be able to do pretty much whatever you want in a relationship. The simple fact of the matter is, she assessed the situation, concluded that she had risen in value (she's a college student with a legion of guys who let her know by their attention that she's the cat's meow) while you have shrunk in value (the relationship is stagnant because you've been together two years, you aren't a student yourself therefore can't see her as much, the honeymoon period in your relationship is over and she can see some things she doesn't like, etc.) Ergo, she made a decision to end things and live the college life, rather than abstaining because of a humdrum long-distance relationship. This sort of thing happens constantly: in fact, it's common knowledge that January is a great time to hook up on campus due to all the freshmen who come to college in a relationship from back home, and then break up with them over Christmas break so they can come back to university single and able to enjoy the male attention they've been receiving, guilt free. Obviously, when a girl does this she usually doesn't do it in terms of "we need to break up, I want to fuck other guys." It's couched and rationalized in terms of "things aren't working out, there are some problems, we should take a break."

Realistically, the only way to subvert this pattern and get her back is to let her see that you're having sex with a girl younger and prettier than she is, at which point she'll be motivated to chase you and show remorse for her selfish actions. Of course, since you'll be boning another, more attractive girl, you may well realize that the one you're currently missing really wasn't all that special.

The reason we're all saying the same thing and counseling you to forget about this girl is because we've all been there and we're speaking from experience.

[MrXY]

Just give up guys. He came to a game forum and asked for advice but refuses to take it and responds with one beta statement after another.

You cannot force the red pill down the throat of a guy who is not ready to swallow it. Let him go to her and beg her to take him back, maybe cry a little, and promise to act in exactly the way she demands from now on. He might even succeed in reestablishing the relationship, but we all know what the terms of that relationship will be and what ultimately will happen.

Perhaps one day, after a few more relationships of that sort, he will be ready.

[Samseau]

(01-30-2013 12:43 PM)MrXY Wrote:  

Just give up guys. He came to a game forum and asked for advice but refuses to take it and responds with one beta statement after another.

You cannot force the red pill down the throat of a guy who is not ready to swallow it. Let him go to her and beg her to take him back, maybe cry a little, and promise to act in exactly the way she demands from now on. He might even succeed in reestablishing the relationship, but we all know what the terms of that relationship will be and what ultimately will happen.

Perhaps one day, after a few more relationships of that sort, he will be ready.

Yep. Spaceman is a beta who needs to learn the hard way.

[Days of Broken Arrows]

Building on what MrXY and Samseau just wrote:

I'm totally not getting why Spaceman feels the need to "apologize" or answer to a statement like "You're good at getting girls but not keeping them."

Maybe it's HER who is not good at appreciating good guys and maybe it's HER who needs to apologizing for making decent men her bitches instead of behaving like a decent woman.

Looking back at my own breakup, which I wrote about earlier (above) this is now what I think. She had turned into a spoiled uber-bitch. Relationships spoil women.

Spaceman: take the red pill. No contact. Reverse the fucking power dynamic. Unless you gave her an STD from cheating, I'm not getting what the fuck you did to need to "apologize?" What was the crime? Showing feelings? Being too nice? Fuck that.

Addendum: Listen to what Ovid said.

[bojangles]

spaceman I always wanted you to go into SPACE MAN

babylon zoo.