[theoak]

My style is to keep things casual. No ltrs, but I will keep girls around for a long time. If I enjoy her company and shes okay with being casual, why kick her to the curb? I'm too busy to always be swooping new girls every week.

For younger girls, this isn't a big deal. But one of the girls is 30. Met her a year ago. We never really went on dates, she just came over to watch tv and fuck. She would bring me dinner sometimes. Super hot, super sweet girl.

I started feeling guilty around her 30th birthday because she ometimes talked about how she wants to get married and hopes I change my mind, etc and how that just hit her now that she was turning 30. At first Id ignore her or agree and amplify. When I started feeling guilty I'd say maybe who knows but not any time soon.

In September the guilt got the best of me and I told her we needed to stop fucking so she can find someone to marry. She's been begging me to "give her another shot" every month or so since then.

She looks great for her age and works out hard so she has more time than most, but her window is quickly closing. Like I said, she's an awesome girl and I would love to hang out with her more but I just feel so guilty. She says she doesn't even care about marriage anymore but I know she doesn't mean it.

What do you guys think? Shitty to monopolize her time during this crucial stage of her life? Or not my problem?

[joehoya]

(03-22-2012 06:46 PM)theoak Wrote:  

...What do you guys think? Shitty to monopolize her time during this crucial stage of her life? Or not my problem?

Not only is it not your problem, you are actually doing other guys a favor. You say she is a great girl, so she could probably find a husband and has guys hitting on her now. The fact that she stays with you and is even "waiting" for you to change your mind tells me that she would only be settling if she went with some other dude. Chicks that settle for a lesser man to get married tend to have their eyes and ears open for better dudes to cheat with.

If she settles for someone else, you will always be the one that got away, and her new relationship will always appear to be lacking. Eventually she will find some other dude (you or someone like you) to get what she thinks is lacking in her current relationship, and the dumbass who married her is left with a cheating wife.

By not pushing her away, you are not forcing her to settle when she "thinks" she can do better. Better to have her waste her prime and realize that the guys she was going for won't give her what she wants than to let some other dude get cheated on because this chick hasn't gotten her head together. I have found that after chicks pass their prime (especially formerly hot chicks) some become a little more humble and appreciative of a "good man".

[Perseus]

Don't play her game man. If you like your freedom, banging different girls whenever you want, then stick to your guns and tell her to go look for a guy who's ready for commitment.

The way i see it, its not your problem, just be straight up with her, don't "monopolize" her. Either stay as fuck buddies without emotional crap, or you both go your separate ways.

She's just freaking out cuz her clock is ticking. Wait till she gets another guy on the hook, you'll be disposed off before you know it.

Never listen to guilty conscience, otherwise you'll find yourself broke, divorced and middle-aged paying alimony to this same girl you felt guilty about.

[durangotang]

(03-22-2012 07:10 PM)Perseus Wrote:  

Don't play her game man. If you like your freedom, banging different girls whenever you want, then stick to your guns and tell her to go look for a guy who's ready for commitment.

The way i see it, its not your problem, just be straight up with her, don't "monopolize" her. Either stay as fuck buddies without emotional crap, or you both go your separate ways.

She's just freaking out cuz her clock is ticking. Wait till she gets another guy on the hook, you'll be disposed off before you know it.

Never listen to guilty conscience, otherwise you'll find yourself broke, divorced and middle-aged paying alimony to this same girl you felt guilty about.

I think this is great advice if you don't want to get married. Screw her if you want on a friends with benefits basis but be upfront about it. Also, flush your used condoms you don't want to get trapped, now do you.

[PDX]

As long as she knows the score, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's not like you're leading her on.

[SVK]

Dude, I'm in the same boat, only actually in LTR with a girl like that. Very cute, sweet, feminine, Romanian born, all my friends love her, and also has a great career (even though she is def not a career girl). But shes 32 and I can tell she wants nothing more than to get married and have kids. And she always tells me than she never loved anybody as much as she loves me, in spite of me being the asshole that I am. I like being in relationship with her, but marriage and kids freak the living fuck out of me. I was married before for almost 5 years and it was the worst 5 years of my life. I often allude to my attitude towards marriage to her great disappointment. I feel a little bit guilty about this, but it still won't change my mind. The thing is that it's not only about older woman being able to find somebody else (if she's quality she will), but it's primarily about biology; every year after 30 it's harder and harder to get pregnant. And woman without kids is pitiful life. Maybe I should cut it off for her sake...

[Parlay44]

Don't worry so much about it. For women it's more about the right time than the right guy. Keep doing what you're doing. She'll leave when she'a truly serious about marriage. She'll take the first guy willing to marry her. Guys always get the girl that they want. Girls always settle.

[Riker]

(03-22-2012 07:01 PM)joehoya Wrote:  

(03-22-2012 06:46 PM)theoak Wrote:  

...What do you guys think? Shitty to monopolize her time during this crucial stage of her life? Or not my problem?

Not only is it not your problem, you are actually doing other guys a favor. You say she is a great girl, so she could probably find a husband and has guys hitting on her now. The fact that she stays with you and is even "waiting" for you to change your mind tells me that she would only be settling if she went with some other dude. Chicks that settle for a lesser man to get married tend to have their eyes and ears open for better dudes to cheat with.

If she settles for someone else, you will always be the one that got away, and her new relationship will always appear to be lacking. Eventually she will find some other dude (you or someone like you) to get what she thinks is lacking in her current relationship, and the dumbass who married her is left with a cheating wife.

By not pushing her away, you are not forcing her to settle when she "thinks" she can do better. Better to have her waste her prime and realize that the guys she was going for won't give her what she wants than to let some other dude get cheated on because this chick hasn't gotten her head together. I have found that after chicks pass their prime (especially formerly hot chicks) some become a little more humble and appreciative of a "good man".

I agree with this in theory but I don't think you can just "decide" right now by reading all this that you are not going to feel guilty and just keep seeing her without feeling bad. Plus theoretically if you stop seeing her she'll have a higher chance of meeting that guy that will make her happy right? More likely that she'll settle and cheat on her dude but you are not responsible for that dude's lack of game anyways and the dude will be getting better than he would otherwise anyways.

So yea, I'd say stop seeing her and keep gaming more girls. Honestly I'd probably just marry her and have kids if it were me, but I'm not on the pill yet so my opinion has less merit.

[scorpio]

I've been in one of these non-relationship FWBs, but the girl was younger.

At some point, I cut her loose. At some point, it had gotten too draining keeping her on her toes, or wondering if she was gonna entrap me, or just dealing the tug-of-war between what she agreed to and what she really wanted. I remember one time we hung out and she had this droopy look on her face... the female bartender picked up on it and looked at me as if I was a total jerk. I then smirked right back at her.

Anyway, when I cut her, it felt fucking great. Like a huge anvil was lifted off me. She eventually found someone else and had two kids with some other guy.

Do what's right for you. But at the same time, it would be naive to say that your guilt doesn't affect your quality of experience.

[MikeCF]

She's an adult.

It's not your job to save her.

Lying to her about your intentions would be sorta scummy.

If you've fully disclosed your disinterest in settling down, and she nevertheless wants to be a FB, then the consequences are on her.

[Samseau]

YEP:

(03-22-2012 07:23 PM)PDX Wrote:  

As long as she knows the score, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's not like you're leading her on.

The fact you made this topic shows you want to get back with her. If she knows, and you know, then give it a shot.


But odds are 2:1 that she'll whine about marriage again. Just remember that.

[Parlay44]

(03-22-2012 09:35 PM)Samseau Wrote:  

YEP:

(03-22-2012 07:23 PM)PDX Wrote:  

As long as she knows the score, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It's not like you're leading her on.

The fact you made this topic shows you want to get back with her. If she knows, and you know, then give it a shot.


But odds are 2:1 that she'll whine about marriage again. Just remember that.

Marriage is a milestone for women. Validation in the eyes of her girlfriends. It's the ultimate thing to get a guy to commit.

[Tuthmosis]

If she's 30, you're not "wasting her prime." Her prime was somewhere between 5-12 years ago. You're actually in the fourth quarter.

The sense of urgency should tell you that. No team freaks out if they don't have the lead after the first quarter. Even if she's managed to stay looking good, you can bet your bottom dollar she looked a lot better at 23 (unless she was obese, which I doubt).

[germanico]

I understand how you feel.

I let go of a girl in a similar situation last year. It was hard but necessary. Not just because I felt it wasnt fair for her to wait for something that was not going to happen with me, but also because I cant trust in a woman that blurts out "LETS HAVE A BABY!" after we had sex.

[Stitch]

EXACTLY the same situation I'm in; girl is much older than yours (my age, early 40s) but wants to cut off our relationship because I'm moving in four months and not taking her with me, and she wants to get married. Makes me very sad actually, because she's quite awesome and I will really miss her, but I've been very open and honest about the situation and how I am NOT ready to remarry any time soon.

Unlike some other folks, I say be open and honest, like you have been. You are responsible for your actions--not hers.

[poutsara]

@theoak...I had an almost identical situation. I wished her luck, honestly, and left.

[iknowexactly]

Let her go, she's addicted. I failed to do this; dated a girl through her mid-thirties; and was part of why she never had children.

I'll always regret I did this.

It was one of the most thoughtless, inconsiderate things I've ever done. I just didn't realize fully what I was doing, because it happens in slow motion.

[Tim9000]

I've been there a few times, and after those experiences--which were not pretty!--I realize that if a woman is good at self-deception, she's disabled in a way: she can't make the right decision even when it's obvious. Therefore sometimes it's not wrong to treat them like kids and make some decisions for them. So under what circumstance should you? In my case, these women ran in social circles full of potentially good provider husbands that wouldn't dick them over, and furthermore these women had a 'bonding' personality type that would allow them be perfectly happy with a beta guy (I'm far from alpha, and they were addicted to me). I cut them loose. It was the right thing to do.

[Timoteo]

I think you've been more than honest with her. You've told her you aren't going to marry her, no matter how much you enjoy her company. You cut her loose to find what she wants. The problem is, she wants YOU. You have everything she wants, except the desire to commit. I think what she really wants is a baby, otherwise the 30th birthday thing wouldn't be a factor. And if you want MORE than one kid, you need to get that first one at 30 at the latest. She wants you to be the father. The prospect of losing you completely has put her in settling mode, as in she'll settle for you being baby-daddy instead of husband, so she still has you in her life. And then maybe she can break you down on the marriage thing eventually. Be careful.

[Timoteo]

(03-23-2012 02:13 AM)poutsara Wrote:  

@theoak...I had an almost identical situation. I had been with a girl of that age (early 30s) for several months/about a year (although this was never an LTR). She was attractive and easy going. In her early and mid twenties she was even more so (from pictures). Always had many guys orbiting around her since she was a teenager. Now still looking great at 30+ and immersed in her career. But eventually, I began to feel as though she was deluding herself too much about our "future". One of the final triggers that I should not continue with her was that she asked me not to use a condom since "it wouldn't be so bad if we had a baby together (!!)". I told her we really had no future together, and that we should think about that. She said what she liked about me was that "nothing bothered me" and "its as though you are immune to the world" and that her previous guys weren't like that. After I told her that there was no future, she cryfully said she wanted just to date casually still and have sex - which was fine with me, so we did, once more. Anyway, after that last time she came to realize that essentially our whole time together had centered around sex. And, in tears, she confessed to me how she had rejected or ignored so many nice, kind guys that had pursued her in the past while she focused on her career and thought she could hold out for someone better. Now, she just "wanted someone to love and to have a family with her". Wow, it was just too textbook. I wished her luck, honestly, and left.

This is what they all do. When they're young and at their hottest, they always think they have more time. They seem to have unlimited suitors, so there will always be someone better coming along. Then by the time they decide they're ready, all of a sudden all of those options disappear and they end up "settling" for the decent guy they happen to be with at the time because they're afraid it will be their last chance. And that guy ends up suffering because there's always going to be that tinge of bitterness in her about him being not quite good enough.

[Samseau]

Here's the solution, gentlemen:

Don't date over 28.

[Parlay44]

I blame Kesha and others like her for programming girls with lyrics like this...

[alphamale87]

I dated a 31 year old woman from Honduras who was an accountant for Bacardi and probably the most caring, lovable, loyal person I have ever been with. She showered me with gifts, blowjobs, sex, and traditional home cooked honduran meals regularly. She even bought us plane tickets and took me to Honduras for a weekend on the beach. Unlike most, I don't lie to women. I tell them straight up my intentions from the beginning. I eventually cut it off because of the age difference, and being at different points in our lives. I told her she deserves someone who will bear her children, and treat her better than I did. 6 months later She's engaged and expecting. I do believe in Karma, and the best thing to do in these situations is catch and release.