Quote: (03-07-2017 08:32 PM)armenia4ever Wrote:
When I have real serious shit that's happening - I turn to my dad. I trust his knowledge and wisdom to tell me like it is.
This resonates hard with me..
A few years ago, when I found out my (now ex) wife was getting dicked on the side, I went to talk to my parents about what my next move should be.
I was afraid I was going to get destroyed if we went to court, being male and figuring the 'pussy pass' was going to be in effect when the court day came (infidelity doesn't hold the weight that it used to. The rules in my state were changed in 2010). I was scared that I would be regulated to an EOW dad, simply based on the fact that I
WAS a dad.
Gif of how I felt when I went over to my parents..
While my father's parents were married until my grandfather passed away, my mother's parents were divorced.
During the beginning of my visit, my father spoke mostly of making sure that I cemented myself in the children's lives, whatever the final outcome was going to be. And then he let my mother talk.
My mother went on about the how and the why, meaning what 'drove' my ex to screw around.. maybe it was something I did or didn't do. Not in the 'I pushed her away' sense, and not that my mother was blaming me per say, but that some of my behavior could have pushed the ex to seek out other avenues (aka new dick). Maybe we (the ex and I) should seek out marriage counseling, to find out what the issues were. Maybe things could go back to the way they were, with enough counseling. My mother even offered to pay for any visits if necessary.
With that, my mother headed out to do some grocery shopping, gave my father a kiss goodbye (as always), then gave me a hug and told me she loved me.
Shortly after my mother pulled out of the driveway, my father and I were sitting watching a baseball game, and I asked him what he thought I should do..
Dad: (with a bit of inflection in his voice): "You really want to know what I think ?"
I knew the
real was coming, and it was coming hard. And I knew it was going to be what I
needed to hear.
So I braced myself..
Me: "Yeah."
Dad: "I think therapy would be a waste of time."
Me: "Why do you say that ?"
Dad: "Lemme ask you this.. if, after all the therapy, this 'works out', and you guys decide to stay married.. are you going to be able to trust her again ?"
Me: "I don't know. Probably not."
Dad: "Do you think you should get divorced ?"
Me: (long pause): "Yeah"
Dad: "There's your answer."
Me: "What about the stuff Mom was talking about ? You think that's a viable option ?"
For the next hour, we talked about a few other family members and their divorce situations (things he swore me to secrecy about), things I needed to do from that point (including "Whatever you do, don't you dare move out of that house !!"), and to not tell anyone, not even him, what my plan of attack was ("You tell your attorney what you want to do,
when you want to do it.").
On a side note, knowing what I know now about certain relatives regarding the above, a lot more things make sense with their respective situations.
When we were done talking about it for the most part, I asked him why he didn't bring all this up in front of my mother.
Dad: "I know your mother means well, and she doesn't want to see the same kind of thing happen with the kids as she had to deal with, but
I think you're doing the right thing."
The bold was especially powerful.
The climate of the times then, in TV and the movies, was a barrage of women screwing around on their men, and their men taking them back. Men succumbing to the 'peer pressure' that they were the ones that must have done something wrong to push her away, and taking her back is some sort of atonement for doing it..
When I left my parents that afternoon, I was in a completely different state of mind. A far cry from the gif above..
In the end, I kept the house, I'm Custodial Parent, and the ex pays ME child support.
Truth be told, I don't know if I would have had the strength to fight the way I did without that conversation my father and I had. The takeaway from that conversation was that I knew I had him in my corner, not because of what he wanted, or what my mother wanted, or even what my ex wanted.
He was in my corner because my decision to divorce was what I wanted.
Sure, in a perfect world, he would have liked to have seen the ex and I stay married.
But he was a realist, and was that way with me.
And I can never thank him enough for that.