[Basil Ransom]

Building rapport is a weakness of mine. I tend to stay in that witty teasing vibe with girls when I should be devoting more time to building rapport. I recalled coming across a list with questions documented by a scientific study to build strong rapport. The blog Elysium Revisted first covered it, and then Heartiste linked it. I found this same list on another pickup forum. I checked for other threads on rapport, and I didn't find much.

Quote:

According to Dr Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University, NY, as published in "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (1997), there are 36 questions that almost always guarantee that 2 people, if they ask each other them over 45 minutes, will want to see each other again and have positive feelings towards one another. Here they are, in order:

• 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
  4. What would constitute a perfect day for you?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell you partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
  13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
  14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
  15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
  16. What do you value most in a friendship?
  17. What is your most treasured memory?
  18. What is your most terrible memory?
  19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
  20. What does friendship mean to you?
  21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
  23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
  24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
  25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "we are both in this room feeling..."
  26. Complete this sentence "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
  27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
  28. Tell your partner what you like about them: be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
  29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
  31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
  32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
  34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why
  36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
  Variations
  37. If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it?
  38. Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?
  39. While on a trip to another city, your spouse/lover meets and spends a night with an exciting stranger. Given they will never meet again, and you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?

My thoughts
I think these are all great questions for getting to know someone in general. None of them can be used at the initial rapport-building part of a conversation, but if you're sitting down with someone and getting to know them properly, then they're all great.

In terms of women specifically, I would say pick your favourite 5-10 and incorporate them into the middle section of your first date. So, you'd start with a bit of banter, joking around, teasing and flirting, then get into your favourite questions (I would definitely avoid all the ones about death and anything negative!), and then end with someone along the lines of question 39, which would help you transition into some more SEXUAL conversation. The problem with these is if you did all the questions it's way too much comfort and not enough sexual. As long as you made things sexual afterwards and spent the last 25% of your date talking more along those lines, being sexual, touching more, etc. then you'd be fine!

Source: http://www.pick-up-artist-forum.com/36-q...20045.html

The ones I like, and could see myself asking naturally on a date:

• 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why?
  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
  14. Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
  16. What do you value most in a friendship?
  17. What is your most treasured memory?
  20. What does friendship mean to you?
  21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  23. How close and warm is your family?
  24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
  30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? [I like this one, have asked it of my own accord a fair amount. Just don't be the typical guy and make fun of girls for crying too much. Empathize with her over the episode that caused her to cry.]
  34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? [Might just say, if you could have only one worldly possession, what would it be?]
  37. If you could choose the sex and physical appearance of your soon-to-be-born child, would you do it?

I think if you just sit and listen and telegraph open, attentive body language, it won't be too hard to use these productively. Leaven with some teasing, innuendo and game in between questions.

Heartiste had a couple relevant posts:

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/01/...y-science/
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2008/03/1...t-mistake/
https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/01/...on-tactic/

[Chad Daring]

I tend to use her as a talking point. I'll look for distinctive jewelry, tattoos, comment on her hair, her make-up, all the while keeping a flirty teasing vibe going on. This has always worked well for me.

[canucktraveller]

Maybe it's just me, but this sounds like an interview.

I just can't see my self going through these questions in a natural conversation

[speakeasy]

Funny, I recently thought about making a similar thread where we could list some heavy hitting conversation threads that would spark rapport. I've looked these up online and the problem I have with 99% of these questions is that they are hard to work into the natural flow of a conversation without making it sound like an interview. I'm not just going to randomly bust out "so how warm and close is your family" if we just spent the last 10 minutes talking about some movie she just saw.

I tend to like more subtle rapport builders. I think the most powerful one is dropping someone's name in a sentence. Not just with girls, but with anyone, even people of higher status than you. Rather than saying, "we're gonna have crazy fun tomorrow," try, "Linda, we're gonna have crazy, fun tomorrow." I know when girls have done that with me, the effect is immediate. It almost tricks me into thinking I've known them longer than I have. And the thing is, very few people do this with people they don't know well. But you know who does? Salesman, and for good reason. It's the oldest rapport trick and the world and it works. People love hearing their name. Period. Makes them feel significant. So drop her name randomly into sentences on occasion, just don't overdue it or it'll sound forced. It has to sound natural and flow into the sentence.

On top of that I would combine it with some kino. When you say her name touch her knee or rest your hand on the small of her back.

Another thing to avoid, don't preference any question with "So..." When someone says to me, "So...how many siblings do you have" it feels like they are struggling to come up with conversation. When I ask my mom or dad something, I never put "so" in front of it. Because we don't do that to people we are comfortable with. So stop doing it. To everyone. I still do it out of habit but I'm trying to be aware of it and catch myself. In fact, try to get rid of all filler words from your vocabulary if possible, "Uh...weeell...sooo...hmmm...Like, yeah....ya know....fa real???". I know, hard, but it's something to be conscious of.

Another thing that's good is every once in awhile, throw out an off the wall question that shows you don't give a fuck. For example if you've been talking about something deep, look down at her boots and say, "how many animals did you skin to make those cowboy boots?" Then after sharing a laugh on that, go back to your more serious topic. I like to show myself as dynamic, as someone that can be funny one minute and be serious the next if I want to. Don't only ask safe questions, it'll show that you are comfortable in your skin, and when you seem comfortable, the other person is likely to feel comfortable.

All that said, I have a couple questions I keep on a list on my phone that I may glance at when the girl is in the bathroom. Here are a few I use if I feel the conversation momentum is slowing down and I need to reboot it with some rapport building questions:

If tomorrow you hit the lottery and won so much money you didn't have to work again, what would you spend the rest of your life doing?

If the girl likes to travel, I ask, "are you a tourist or a traveler?" If she ask you to explain the difference there's an opportunity for DHV.

Why do you think so many women date bad boys? Always leads to interesting and revealing discussion. May want to preface it by saying you were talking about this with a female friend the other day who says she is always attracted to guys who are bad for her but can't stop. And that you've met many women that are like that.

Why are people more connected than ever, yet at the same time more isolated than ever.

Instead of asking a girl "what kind of music do you like?(so typical)" rephase it a bit more interesting. "If I hit random on your ipod, what would I expect to hear?"

What gets you most excited about life?

I recently heard a guy asking a girl what types of things she dreams about at night. It went pretty well for him. They were making out not long after. You could phrase and ask, "what are your dreams like at night, do you have dreams or normal things or very surreal?"


If you haven't been to her place yet..."If I was standing in your apartment right now, what is something interesting I'd see."

I've even busted out some fake palm reading at times. I've never been called out on it either even though I'm just making up bullshit as I go along. One of my boys training at a magic academy in Hollywood and says magic is absolute gold for blowing women's minds. Mystery was on to something. He's got this awesome trick where he appears to be turning 5 $1 bills into 5 $100 bills and I've seen women's faces light up like the sunrise. Also subcommunicates that he's got some scratch in a way that doesn't seem to be boasting.

Anyway, good thread, let's keep the ideas coming...

[calex]

(03-06-2012 07:48 PM)canucktraveller Wrote:  

Maybe it's just me, but this sounds like an interview.

I just can't see my self going through these questions in a natural conversation

gotta agree with this one. I never saw the point of memorizing questions - puts you too much in your head and always comes off as fake. Just staying involved in the conversation, paying attention and picking up cues has always worked best for me.

Also, i think that building rapport is best accomplished by first divulging information about yourself, especially if it's something private or slightly embarrassing, and using that as bait for her to open up. Works extremely fast, especially on girls who are able to carry a conversation to a degree, and enables you to sound cool and dhv without bragging.

[Hotwheels]

Quote:

I tend to like more subtle rapport builders. I think the most powerful one is dropping someone's name in a sentence. Not just with girls, but with anyone, even people of higher status than you. Rather than saying, "we're gonna have crazy fun tomorrow," try, "Linda, we're gonna have crazy, fun tomorrow." I know when girls have done that with me, the effect is immediate. It almost tricks me into thinking I've known them longer than I have. And the thing is, very few people do this with people they don't know well. But you know who does? Salesman, and for good reason. It's the oldest rapport trick and the world and it works. People love hearing their name. Period. Makes them feel significant. So drop her name randomly into sentences on occasion, just don't overdue it or it'll sound forced. It has to sound natural and flow into the sentence.

This is very good and something I occasionally forget even though I sold cars years ago. Yes, it is a great sales tactic and game is sales.

Saying her name also helps you remember it, something that has always been an issue for me. Just don't overdo it, or you'll come off sounding like a used car salesman trying to hit his bonus at the end of the month.

[speakeasy]

I just googled "how to build rapport in sales" and came up with some solid links. Any of that stuff applies to women too.

http://www.powerhomebiz.com/vol144/rapport.htm

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505183_162-2...the-phone/

http://www.callcentrehelper.com/top-tips...e-2646.htm

http://www.rainsalestraining.com/blog/bu...th-people/

[Sebastian]

By women psychology experts, those are the type of questions to build an 'emotional connection' with Women

I thought it was lame to throw out those questions. But as a MAN, I can't tell how women feel when they receive those questions.

Why don't we just throw couple questions from the list and see how they react it?

[Basil Ransom]

Speakeasy, great ideas. I had actually just read elsewhere the 'repeat her name' trick, and it's a keeper. Especially during sex. You will feel a little weird doing it, but say it with confidence and she won't think anything strange of it at all.

Another technique is to maintain *strong* eye contact while she's having an orgasm. I had a great first date last night, and after a bunch of rounds of sex and foreplay, I fingered her again. I grabbed her head by her hair with one hand while fingering her with the other, shoving her head around, and sternly yelling at her to look at me, in my eyes and saying other stuff. Might sound weird, but it builds a powerful connection when she keeps her eyes open during a climax and maintains strong eye contact. Plus the image of her eyes going lazy and defenseless is priceless. Afterwards, when she was getting ready to leave, and we were talking casually, she could not take her eyes off mine.

Quote:

I tend to use her as a talking point. I'll look for distinctive jewelry, tattoos, comment on her hair, her make-up, all the while keeping a flirty teasing vibe going on. This has always worked well for me.

I do something similar by default, but there isn't much of a rapport aspect to that. It's also possible that some of these girls where the rapport was weak just didn't vibe well with me anyway.

It doesn't have to sound like an interview. It's pretty natural to have conversations about your family, your background, etc, peppered with teasing and flirting. This is just having some questions in mind to pose, so that you know you'll build some rapport instead of flirt all night.

Quote:

Also, i think that building rapport is best accomplished by first divulging information about yourself, especially if it's something private or slightly embarrassing, and using that as bait for her to open up. Works extremely fast, especially on girls who are able to carry a conversation to a degree, and enables you to sound cool and dhv without bragging.

I've had better results with waiting for her to ask the questions before divulging much, and even then often giving incomplete answers, always leaving her room to wonder. Complete, honest information doesn't create intrigue. When she asks a question, my first response may be droll or tongue-in-cheek, possibly followed by a deliberately vague but intriguing response. If you follow that script too much though, you can end up with no rapport built. Thus the questions above and others like it.

There tend to be two kinds of questions she asks: ones that give her insight about who you are as a person, and those that indicate your value in the past and present. I tend to evade the questions prodding my value with humor, but give more complete answers about my background, family, and upbringing, where frankness is unlikely to hurt my value and she can start feeling she knows me as a person.

Example: The girl from last night, who was popular in college, asked me if I was popular in high school, "because I seemed like that kind of guy." She also asked how attractive the girls I've dated are - she specifically said "you know, 7s, 8s, 9s, 10s?" I answered both of these questions humorously "Nah, I had absolutely zero friends in high school" and "Nah, I've only dated ugly girls and the morbidly obese. Hot girls just don't do it for me." She's looking for confirmation of your perceived high value - you don't want to tell her the truth if you weren't high value in the past, and even if you were, saying "yeah I bang hot girls" isn't all that interesting, and she might even think you're putting on an act. You could also say stuff like, "Actually I only date 11s" but I find faux self-deprecation to be more clever and tasteful, especially in mixed company where others may dislike you for perceived braggadocio. If you're saying you only like fatties, no one's going to hate on you for being a narcisstic dick. For questions about my family and such, I gave more serious answers, though I still held quite a bit back.

FWIW, game guys put down self-deprecation, but when you're saying something that contradicts every other piece of evidence she has about you, in a cocky deadpan, *and* it's funny, it only boosts your value. Roosh's dry style of humor, ala 'Cribs,' has been a strong influence It makes it easy to come up with good, witty answers.

[Greek kamaki]

How to build rapport by high game.For example a girl says ''I am from Slovakia'' answering the question where do you come from or are you from England?

So you ask:From what city?She answers let's say

1.Bratislava-then I ask Oh Bratislava,do you like Nove Miasto?Or do you like Petrzalka?(it is a shitty communist place,I would ask this for fun).Or Oh,Bratislava I used to go to club Laverna there.

2.Trencin-then I say I like Trencin castle what a marvel.

3.Zilina-I say Zilina is such a picturesque town.I was there at night it was like a town from fairy tales.

4.Banska Bystrica-Oh I know Sklenarikova comes from there.Do you all girls from there look like Sklenarikova?

5.Kosice:I heard there are lots of Hungarians there are you a Hungarian?

6.Komarno-this name means mosquito in Czech so do you have lots of mosquitoes?May I see your hands?Are they maybe bitten?

This is example of high game to build quick rapport.

[WesternCancer]

You stole my idea for a thread! But seriously, good list. One of my weaker points is building strong rapport, I can be the playful cocky/funny guy but when it comes down to something more serious I don't have much that I can pull out. Sometimes I'll read an article and I'll say "I read this interesting thing about ___" isnt that cool/stupid/whack whatever. I know it doesn't matter now so much that I'm younger/in uni, but I know that in the future I'll need a strong base of qualifying/rapport building questions.

as for the questions themselves I wouldn't straight up ask "Would you like to be famous? In what way? " but I would say something about a famous person and their lifestyle and then drop the question

[Basil Ransom]

(03-07-2012 01:41 PM)WesternCancer Wrote:  

as for the questions themselves I wouldn't straight up ask "Would you like to be famous? In what way? " but I would say something about a famous person and their lifestyle and then drop the question

I think the criticisms of these questions come from guys analyzing it from a guy's perspective. It would sound pretty weird if you asked another dude these questions. But with a girl on a date, in quiet surroundings, where you're expected to 'get to know each other,' it's really not strange at all. Plus, you could ask one question and proceed to talk back and forth for a few minutes thereafter. It will feel like an interview if you're posing question after question, without humor interspersed. That's easy to avoid.

I think I'd whittle down my list a little more. Cut out 17 and 37. Instead of 37, you could ask "would you rather have all boys or all girls as your kids?" The answers are interesting, and I have some personal stories relating to that.

You can also make questions that combine qualification and rapport. Eg, after talking about relationships, "How affectionate are you with the people in your life?" The answer is important to me, and I really don't feel uncomfortable asking it. I don't hesitate to ask something I genuinely want to know, within reason.

[Timoteo]

I think the issue with these questions is finding a natural way to drop them into conversation, to make it sound less like an interview. Some of these are more "out on a date" questions, while others are "back at the crib and getting comfortable" questions. Even if you don't want to go with these exact questions, you can use them as framework for the TYPE of questions you might want to ask.

[Greek kamaki]

For example if I wanted to be funny I would ask her?Would you like to be saved by a prince on a white horse or by a prince on a black horse?She would answer white and then I would ask:Why?Do you prefer white stockings?Black ones turn me more on.And then continue to say sth like are you more close to princess or witch?She would say I am a princess.Then I would ask her are your feathers natural?Are you really an angel?Or are these horns of devil?Sth like that.They usually say I am an angel.

Or talking to a polish girl.Cocky and funny:I heard that girls in America suffer from a new epidemic the golden pussy syndrome.Polish girl:My pussy is made of diamonds.Me:Now I am relieved.

[WestIndianArchie]

In terms of incorporating any of these into your rapport/comfort rap

False Vulnerability

1) Answer the question yourself
2) When you're going into comfort stage, tell your story, and give her an opportunity to chime in with her story.

- easy to introduce your topics
- you lead
- get a chance to screen/judge her responses, which is vital.

.......

How much rapport are you guys looking for?

Am I alone in thinking you can build too much rapport for our purposes?

[Sphere]

The obvious thing these questions all have in common, and likely the reason they are good at building rapport between two people, is that they are open-ended.

If you're really good at making conversation these questions, or ones like them, will be part of your routine conversations anyway.

For example, you dissect the latest news item about a famous person and then drop the question about whether she would like to be famous and if so, why. That is an invitation for her to talk about herself. She'll feel good if you do that and that will lead to comfort. If you use "active listening", i.e. summing up what she just said before going on, she'll think you really get her and that will build more comfort.

After her turn, it then gives her the opportunity to ask you the same question. That's rapport in a nutshell.

The advice about dropping the name is priceless. I'm going to use that. That's straight up Dale Carnegie.

[46.]

(03-08-2012 12:52 PM)Sphere Wrote:  

The obvious thing these questions all have in common, and likely the reason they are good at building rapport between two people, is that they are open-ended.

They also elicit emotion. Great stuff here, thanks fellas'.

[Hotwheels]

When I get a yes or no answer to something, I generally respond with "Why do you say that?"

Gets them talking and opening up as it's open ended and it gives the impression you are interested in their thoughts. Which you should be as they will often tell you how to game them. Not directly of course, but they will give you clues to follow up on.

Learned that one from sales also.

[Hencredible Casanova]

I used these questions on a first date tongiht (with situational modifications) and was amazed at how effective they are. +1 man.

In particular, I used 1, 2, 10, 12, 13, 39.

[WesternCancer]

I used some of these tonight with a girl I've been banging for a bit. I also threw in some family history stuff, if you know something or you have some crazy stories about a grandfather or whatever she'll eat them up. Make sure to cockily say "I guess thats where I got it from" if you mention a very positive trait or whatever.

[chakri]

(03-07-2012 12:03 PM)basilransom Wrote:  

There tend to be two kinds of questions she asks: ones that give her insight about who you are as a person, and those that indicate your value in the past and present. I tend to evade the questions prodding my value with humor, but give more complete answers about my background, family, and upbringing, where frankness is unlikely to hurt my value and she can start feeling she knows me as a person.

I agree. Also, this would keep her on her toes so you're not always only being serious or always funny.

[bojangles]

great thread, ive been using questions like these for all my dates.

[roid]

Sorry to bump old thread but I think the concept of believability is a good conversational trick with girls.

http://www.doctorasianrake.com/2008/03/b...lite-game/

[RockHard]

(03-06-2012 08:38 PM)Hotwheels Wrote:  

Quote:

I tend to like more subtle rapport builders. I think the most powerful one is dropping someone's name in a sentence. Not just with girls, but with anyone, even people of higher status than you. Rather than saying, "we're gonna have crazy fun tomorrow," try, "Linda, we're gonna have crazy, fun tomorrow." I know when girls have done that with me, the effect is immediate. It almost tricks me into thinking I've known them longer than I have. And the thing is, very few people do this with people they don't know well. But you know who does? Salesman, and for good reason. It's the oldest rapport trick and the world and it works. People love hearing their name. Period. Makes them feel significant. So drop her name randomly into sentences on occasion, just don't overdue it or it'll sound forced. It has to sound natural and flow into the sentence.

This is very good and something I occasionally forget even though I sold cars years ago. Yes, it is a great sales tactic and game is sales.

Saying her name also helps you remember it, something that has always been an issue for me. Just don't overdo it, or you'll come off sounding like a used car salesman trying to hit his bonus at the end of the month.

There was a recent thread on here Always Call Her By Her Name which brought out this exact thing. It's really powerful. First of all, it helps you remember her name, which is a problem for me. Second, for the reasons above. Third, because you can weave into NLP territory. Something like "Linda, have you ever laughed so hard you just couldn't stop? Like you wanted to stop because it hurt but it you just couldn't help yourself?" It makes the question directed at her.

The heartiste link is great too https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/01/...y-science/

Quote:

I think you can connect the dots and see how this would apply to seduction game. When you repeat a woman’s words back to her — not necessarily verbatim, but similar enough that there’s no risk she’ll misconstrue your restatement — you enhance the rapport you have with her. She will start thinking to herself “this guy GETS me”. You know how bad the “he doesn’t get me” rejection is? Well, that’s how good the “he GETS me” connection is.

Roid, that asian Rake site you linked has some good stuff especially on screening and transitioning that into qualifying.

[Gorgiass]

Great questions and back in the news. Apparently the (only?) two participants in the original study wound up getting married. Proceed with caution

http://nyti.ms/1FBeLRc