I moved out to a big city an hour away from my parents, to study for college. I used to visit my hometown once a week and had a hard time having to listen to my dad crack insults and shitty jokes left and right, got fed up. Making fun of me, telling me indirectly im not good enough, never satisfied with my accomplishments. Eventually, started visiting less and less and ended up visiting only once a month, and till this day today, i haven't visited for 5 months.
They say men who grow up without father roles become blue pill and weak men, but i feel like because i haven't actually had a dad i could talk to and a dad teach me about life, i became tough and found my own purpose, started educating myself, becoming independent. Built a strong character, even stronger than my dad ever was.
He didn't know better, his dad was also not really there for him and he was very strict. I don't know if he ever loved his dad or it was pure respect, but his dad died early and he had to rely on himself to take care of his younger sisters and brothers. Personally, i've never "loved" my dad, but i've always respected him. I can't quite figure out if it's because i was afraid of him or what it was. Because the respect was forced. In my 23 years i've not once in my life sat down and talked with my dad about life, just the 2 of us. Our egos always conflicted on each other and we never really had the "talks" most guys have. Never built a connection with my dad the way i wanted to.
Everyone else had strong father figures and loved spending time with their dads. Mine never supported me in the hobbies i took upon. I remember i used to envy my friends whose father would go to football games with them and support them, he would give a fuck about their hobbies and spend time talking to them about their interests. Mine was different. He only cared about 2 things. His son getting a good education and his son projecting a good and respectable image for other parents in our social circle.
My dad is from a traditional family, and he grew up in another culture than me. A religious household. He never taught me about women. He has only been with one woman throughout his whole life, my mother. He's in his 50s now and im afraid im wasting the only chance i have to get to know him better before he passes away.
My sister always was the one getting the good grades, the daughter my dad was proud of. She was an angel in his eyes and he gave her everything. She grew up with literally no problems till this day today. No challenges, no hardships, her life was a blue pill fantasy. She will graduate and be a doctor in 2020. Compared to her, I was the black sheep. "Why aren't you more like your sister?" this would echo in my head sleepless nights where i wanted to flee my home every single day. I wanted to move out since i was 15 years old. I didn't know any better, but i knew i hated my dad and the way he was bringing me up.
Now that im more mature i do understand some of the things he did and why he did them, i can see the direction he wanted his children to be. Disciplined, educated and respectable. But he forgot one very important aspect. Love. Maybe he never knew how to express it since his dad never showed him it. His dad was a very stoic and well-respected man in the area. Very professional and some would describe emotionless.
My dad used to beat the shit out of me nearly every day. I was a troubled kid at home and i was pissing myself just hearing the words from the principal office "we're gonna call your dad up here". I knew what was waiting for me at home. A hell of a beating and sometimes with the belt.
My mom, on the other hand, did EVERYTHING to help me. Always comforted me when i was sad, crying, depressed. She showered me with love. She would go behind my dads back and slide me some money whenever i needed it. I love my mother. Such a beautiful, feminine and caring woman. She goes out of her own way to please everybody. Even if that means she will get the blame for things. She would take the hit for me when my dad went crazy. "You're spoiling him, he's becoming a complete failure and having shitty grades and you're comforting him saying its ok its alright, is that how you're gonna treat him?"
I've cut contact to my dad since i've visited the last time 5 months ago. My mom calls me once or twice a week to "hear my voice" while she begs for me to come home and visit sometime and im always saying no sorry, maybe later, making up shitty excuses. I can sense now my parents are afraid they've lost their only son. I get it's normal for parents to worry when their kid leaves the nest and moves out by himself, becomes a responsible adult and starts his own life. But this is more than that. My mom texts me from time to time. "I am sorry if we were horrible parents and didn't treat you well growing up" and "I love you, always remember that" text messages. It's like a sharp object to my heart, but i've grown cold so it's hard for me to do anything about it.
My relationship to my sister is non-existent. I used to ask her for help with homework but that's about it. We've literally spoken 10 minutes in total for the past 3 years. She always asks my mother how im doing and wish i'd talk to her, but im not mad at her. I just grew up envying her and being upset she had everything going on for her and i didn't. She's truly a good person and im a piece of shit brother and son for being the way i am. When i needed a loan and the bank couldn't give it to me since i was a broke-ass student, my mother asked my sister for the 2000$ loan i needed for moving out. She literally didn't ask what it was for, she instantly said "sure, i will transfer the money tomorrow".
I want to get rid of all the built up hate and ego inside of me. Any tips on what i should work on to fix my relationship with my dad and sister? I think it's time to forgive and become a better person. I've been a piece of shit for too long without realizing how much im hurting people i don't want to hurt. I've never spoken to anyone in my life about this issue.
They say men who grow up without father roles become blue pill and weak men, but i feel like because i haven't actually had a dad i could talk to and a dad teach me about life, i became tough and found my own purpose, started educating myself, becoming independent. Built a strong character, even stronger than my dad ever was.
He didn't know better, his dad was also not really there for him and he was very strict. I don't know if he ever loved his dad or it was pure respect, but his dad died early and he had to rely on himself to take care of his younger sisters and brothers. Personally, i've never "loved" my dad, but i've always respected him. I can't quite figure out if it's because i was afraid of him or what it was. Because the respect was forced. In my 23 years i've not once in my life sat down and talked with my dad about life, just the 2 of us. Our egos always conflicted on each other and we never really had the "talks" most guys have. Never built a connection with my dad the way i wanted to.
Everyone else had strong father figures and loved spending time with their dads. Mine never supported me in the hobbies i took upon. I remember i used to envy my friends whose father would go to football games with them and support them, he would give a fuck about their hobbies and spend time talking to them about their interests. Mine was different. He only cared about 2 things. His son getting a good education and his son projecting a good and respectable image for other parents in our social circle.
My dad is from a traditional family, and he grew up in another culture than me. A religious household. He never taught me about women. He has only been with one woman throughout his whole life, my mother. He's in his 50s now and im afraid im wasting the only chance i have to get to know him better before he passes away.
My sister always was the one getting the good grades, the daughter my dad was proud of. She was an angel in his eyes and he gave her everything. She grew up with literally no problems till this day today. No challenges, no hardships, her life was a blue pill fantasy. She will graduate and be a doctor in 2020. Compared to her, I was the black sheep. "Why aren't you more like your sister?" this would echo in my head sleepless nights where i wanted to flee my home every single day. I wanted to move out since i was 15 years old. I didn't know any better, but i knew i hated my dad and the way he was bringing me up.
Now that im more mature i do understand some of the things he did and why he did them, i can see the direction he wanted his children to be. Disciplined, educated and respectable. But he forgot one very important aspect. Love. Maybe he never knew how to express it since his dad never showed him it. His dad was a very stoic and well-respected man in the area. Very professional and some would describe emotionless.
My dad used to beat the shit out of me nearly every day. I was a troubled kid at home and i was pissing myself just hearing the words from the principal office "we're gonna call your dad up here". I knew what was waiting for me at home. A hell of a beating and sometimes with the belt.
My mom, on the other hand, did EVERYTHING to help me. Always comforted me when i was sad, crying, depressed. She showered me with love. She would go behind my dads back and slide me some money whenever i needed it. I love my mother. Such a beautiful, feminine and caring woman. She goes out of her own way to please everybody. Even if that means she will get the blame for things. She would take the hit for me when my dad went crazy. "You're spoiling him, he's becoming a complete failure and having shitty grades and you're comforting him saying its ok its alright, is that how you're gonna treat him?"
I've cut contact to my dad since i've visited the last time 5 months ago. My mom calls me once or twice a week to "hear my voice" while she begs for me to come home and visit sometime and im always saying no sorry, maybe later, making up shitty excuses. I can sense now my parents are afraid they've lost their only son. I get it's normal for parents to worry when their kid leaves the nest and moves out by himself, becomes a responsible adult and starts his own life. But this is more than that. My mom texts me from time to time. "I am sorry if we were horrible parents and didn't treat you well growing up" and "I love you, always remember that" text messages. It's like a sharp object to my heart, but i've grown cold so it's hard for me to do anything about it.
My relationship to my sister is non-existent. I used to ask her for help with homework but that's about it. We've literally spoken 10 minutes in total for the past 3 years. She always asks my mother how im doing and wish i'd talk to her, but im not mad at her. I just grew up envying her and being upset she had everything going on for her and i didn't. She's truly a good person and im a piece of shit brother and son for being the way i am. When i needed a loan and the bank couldn't give it to me since i was a broke-ass student, my mother asked my sister for the 2000$ loan i needed for moving out. She literally didn't ask what it was for, she instantly said "sure, i will transfer the money tomorrow".
I want to get rid of all the built up hate and ego inside of me. Any tips on what i should work on to fix my relationship with my dad and sister? I think it's time to forgive and become a better person. I've been a piece of shit for too long without realizing how much im hurting people i don't want to hurt. I've never spoken to anyone in my life about this issue.