Okay, I've actually typed this up in Notepad before submitting it to Rooshvforums because it's going to be monumentously long. I had to put up with the rediuclously long gap between posting to reach the newbie post quota. I made it 1/2 an hour which is stupid.
Ya'll are lucky (![[Image: angel.gif]](https://rooshvforum.network/images/smilies/angel.gif)
), because I was going to go on RSD Nation to post this, but I figure ya'll at RooshV had some older heads on here who might be able to relate more.
I am turning 30 next year, never been with a chick, only prostitutes since 25. For all intents and purposes, I am an "incel".
Before 25 I'd never even got the chance to kiss a woman or hold one's hand.
I guess the only way to really explain this situation is to go over my whole life story.
School
Let's start at primary (elemetary) school, 1995.
I got bullied a bit and missbehaved a bit. My mom pulled me out of there and got the local authorities to do an assessement, one of these psychologists quickly labelled me with "aspergers syndrome", so that was that. At the time I was 5 and couldn't understand the implications it would have later on in life (being labelled that is).
What followed was complete social isolation from normal people growing up. The abridged version is, I attended special needs schools from then until 2006, when I was 16.
The main school was between the ages of 9-16 and it was a residential boarding school with only special needs kids in it. So I was never around people my own age the whole time growing up.
At that school we got high speed internet access in 2002, where I would spend a lot of time on the internet and posting on forums, my only interaction with normal strangers in the outside world (without counting the staff at the school, mostly women in their 20s and 30s).
2003, when I was 13 was when I first starting feeling a sexual attraction towards women.
I had no female access at all. Years of masturbation to magazines that I occasionally managed to smuggle in. And fantasising about the female members of staff, who ranged in ages from late teens to 50s, with 20s and 30s being the most common ages for them.
So I was always used to there being a social barrier between myself and female intemacy, from the very moment I had those feelings.
In July 2006, I finally finished school. I had spent half of my life at 16 (well, 7 years) in Special Ed and lived at the school, so it had a massive impact on my self identity. My mom wanted me to go to a special "college" where people with autism went but I said to my mom "fuck that, I just wanna be normal", so I went to community college near my home town.
The youth club overlaps the end of school and part way through college. I'ma break this down for ya'll into sections to make it easier to read.
Youth Club and first crush
I was never really allowed out on weekends (when I was home from the residential school), not until I was about 15 years old. My mom thought I was "vulnerable" and could be taken advantage of, which made me feel so embarressed and like a big baby.
In the last academic year of school in late '05 (year lasts sept-July) I started attending a local youth club. Firstly it was just during the holidays from school, then when I finished school I became a regular, in search of friends but most importantly, females.
Now, at the time I thought it was me and my labelled "aspergers" causing me to not make friends, but people around where I lived where quite "Clichey", so no one really wanted to associate with me as I had popped out of nowhere and they had all known each other from school and the local area.
Needless to say, I got bullied physically (on several occasions) and psychologically at this youth club but I was too low on self esteem to really care and felt like I kinda deserved it for having the audacity to try to integrate with normal kids.
After the first year or so, this calmed down and I sort of became accepted, through my determination not to let the bullies win. I even got respect from the bullies in the end.
There was this one blonde chick that I went there for, I fancied her like nobody else ever. I went bright red in the face and physically shakey in her presence. She was also two years younger than me, two years and a month that is, I found out her birthday through trawling her facebook account over the years. I wasn't sure where that left me in the acceptability area and since the youth club already had a history of being hostile territory I didn't want the other kids to turn on me and beat me up for approaching a younger chick that they felt protective of.
I went to that youth club for over 2 years just hoping that some kind of situation would get me interacting with this blonde chick in a natural way, but it never did. I felt like I should have approached her, but from my current social standing it would have been doomed to failure.
Side note: I still see this chick out and about around my town to this day, I just saw her on the sidewalk walking along on the phone last week actually! Not as good looking anymore, but still fuckable!
She was the prize and I wanted her bad back then. I got attention from another chick at that youth club but she was 14 and I was 17 and although hot, I didn't want to get into trouble for underage plus I had severe oneitus for the blonde chick.
In late 2008, I was about to turn 19 and approach the age cut off for attending the youth club. So I thought "fuck it, it's now or never". So if I wanted to approach her I had to take any opportunity.
I had a golden opportunity to approach the chick one evening in August 2008. It was me and the blonde chick in the youth club building alone, everyone else had gone off somewhere. There weren't even any youth club staff present for some reason. She was sat at the mini bar, I hesitated for a few seconds to make sure no one could overhear, then started tentitively walking towards her.
I was just going up to say "hi" and see what would happen. Unfortunately, just as I was about to do that, a little shit youth burst in the door and put me off. The chick didn't even know I was gonna say hi. I was literally just about to make the sound in my throat as this idiot burst in and ruined it.
And that was that for a few years, I would see her around town with her whole entourage of other teenage girls and boys but that's it. I found her bebo and facebook accounts and continued to look her up on there, back when people where stupid enough not to lock them down.
I was obsessed with her for about five years, but she never really knew who I was, I never uttered a word to her, just observed her and went through scenarios in my head. It was the worst feeling knowing that she never even knew who I was.
A lot of the chicks at the youth club seemed like young women, They would sit on the wall smoking cigarettes and gossiping. The chick that I liked was the centre of all that.They had part time jobs and "grown up" teenage lives.
I, on the other hand, had this weird post Special Ed life where I was like a near adult living with the lifestyle of a 12 year old which made me feel embarassed and awkward around chicks.
Community College and educational choices
I had a gap year from july '06-sept '07. That was a time when I mostly attended the youth club and got some very basic pocket money.
It was pergotory for me really. No one wanted to give me a job with my Special Ed background and lack of GCSEs (our equivalent to GEDs).
In Sept '07 I finally enrolled at the local community college. My fatal mistake was, choosing a nerdy subject (ICT).
There were a couple of chicks on the course, nothing special, wasn't really interested in them as I was still thinking about the chick from the youth club.
Looking back, there was quite a hot petite redhead on the second and third year of the course, who seemed comfortable around the other male students, but not me.
There were loads of chicks around the community college campus, if I'd known about day game I coulda tried it there. Although it was a small campus so I would probably have got into trouble sooner rather than later! I had no idea how to start a conversation with a stranger or if it was even appropiate.
I attended community college from sept-07 to jul 2010. It was a friendlier environment than the youth club, but I still felt like an outsider due to my weird school background compared to the other young adults.
There were a few occasions where I saw females and sometimes they would try to "open" me, I always brushed this off as them just being friendly and never tried to carry on a conversation.
I remember a couple times. One walking along the sidewalk and a couple o chicks at the bus stop said Hi to me from across the street. I said Hi back and left it at that. I always assumed chicks wanted to make fun of me, whenever they were being friendly.
Another time when I tried to throw a ball over the fence of an elemetary school nearby but missed and then threw it again and there were three chicks sat on the curb smoking and one of them said "second time lucky, huh?".
And I just faked laughed and said "Yeah, haha" and walked off.
Little did I know these could have been the beginning to interactions that coulda got me laid, or at least a blowjob.
During the evenings off from community college, I had no social life like the other teenagers seemed to have, I just sat on my computer in a darkened room, doing some homework, video gaming, browsing the internet, feeling like I was missing out, but not knowing how to get my share of the action.
Overall, I would say this was the happiest time, 2006-2010. It was the time that felt like it had the most potential and I really could have branched out if I knew how.
I'll always miss that college, the building has been knocked down now and they've relocated it somewhere else. There were even rumours about that being done back when I was there, I guess they finally did it. Times move on and if you don't you get left behind.
You know the biggest insult at college? Free condoms, there was a "condom card" scheme, where they gave you a card to receive free condoms with.
Funny annecdote: Once when I was walking from the campus to lunch, I actually got approached by what I can only assume to be a gay middle aged short bald guy. Long story short, since I was so lonely I ended up agreeing to go around to his house where he cared for his disabled mom. We discussed about things (can't remember what), he offered to give me a piggyback coming down the stairs, but I declined. A sad story indeed.
University and my dark fetish, OCD and depression
Things took a turn for the worse when I got to uni. I'm not gonna lie, a big part of me going to uni was in the hope that I would get laid. From the stories I heard, it would be impossible not to get laid at uni.
My first mistake was that I followed ICT or what became "computer science" at uni. My second mistake was that I did not live in halls, but rather in a nearby apartment block where a lot of international students lived, people I couldn't relate to because we did not share the same culture.
So most of the time I was stuck in my bedroom on my laptop, masturbating. I made a facebook account to check up on the chick from the youth club and see what she was up to. Occasionally I would stalk her to remind me of happier times.
I watched porn often at night, but then I remembered something I saw in 2010 that shocked me. There was a guy on a car forum who linked some 4chan images for a joke, one of them called "dissected chan".
I remember I was turned on by the dissected chan image but had forgotten all about it. During that time I decided to type in "female autopsy" into youtube, not expecting anything to come up in the search results.
How wrong was I. I saw my first female autopsy video in March 2011. I was hooked. I found more autopsy videos, from the third world, mostly China and India.
I masturbated up to 7 times per day to these videos, they were sheer ecstasy to me. More arousing than any porn could ever be. Seeing a woman starting as a whole, naked woman and then being stripped down to her component parts was just such a turn on for reasons I still don't understand.
Just knowing about autopsies was a turn on, I couldn't stop thinking about all the young prime women who would have been autopsied over the centuries. It was just a realization
of sheer arousal but then pure guilt and self loathing at the same time.
Then, after realising I had this sick fetish, I started getting paranoid about other fetishes I could have. Like, what if I was a paedophile? I developed POCD, which ran concurrently to my autopsy fetish, resulting in a quagmire of feelings of despair and I finally understood why some people would commit suicide.
I asked myself, when does one draw the line on a developing body? When would it be okay to be attracted to an underaged girl? All types of crazy hypothetical questions that I could never find the answer to. The more I worried about it, the more I got obsessed.
Say if you glance a girl, then realise she was underaged, then you think "Shit, was I turned on before I realised" that sort of thing. Or if I read a paedophile story on the news and wondered if I was capable of the same thing.
I was seeing everything through this fog of depression and complete maniacal and illogical obsession. I still forced myself to go to the gym and to go to class. I was very mentally strong to get through that shit and I am proud of myself that I pulled through.
I think I realised now why I got obsessed. The POCD has almost gone, I do have the odd relapse of obsessive thoughts.
I am still aroused by female autopsies, that will never go away, as I know I am a necrophile. I've come to terms with that and try not to let it get in the way of my everyday functioning. Like not watching autopsies before work where I have to interact with people.
Anyway, the reasons I had a bit of a break down were; 1. too much isolation 2. too much testosterone. I was 21, lifting weights and training in boxing. It was too much, far too much and I had no outlet for the sexual feelings when you are pushing so much testosterone around you're body, other than profuse amounts of masturbation and stimulation from autopsy content.
Whilst most others my age would be having female contact and getting their highs from that, I wasn't, I was just shut in a room isolated for months at a time, watching dead women being taken apart.
I don't mean to freak anyone out by talking about my autopsy fetish and my POCD, but I think it could be significant in the way I relate to women. I feel like a sex offender before I've even been with a woman for real. The autopsy content I've watched and still watch scars me to this day. I often wonder how harshly women would judge me if they knew. It's such a relief when I confide in people about my fetish and they make a joke of it, showing me that it's not that much of a big deal as I feel like.
So far in my life, 2011-12 were my darkest days. I yearned for the innocent and happy period just a couple years back, 2006-10 were the happy days. I feel like I truly became an adult in 2011-12, having to fight through all that darkness.
The one thing I did do well at uni was lifting weights seriously. I was jacked and I still have the shape to this day from that 18 months of weight training. But it didn't get me chicks like a lot of people thing lifting will, but I wasn't lifting to get chicks, I was lifting for myself.
Post University, the working world and prostitutes
So I graduated in 2012, without a single lay to my name at uni. I hoped things would change when I entered the working world, sadly, no.
So far in all my jobs it has been roughly 3/4 men and the few women that were there are old.
I have not been able to break into the computer industry due to lack of experience in that industry (so a degree is not enough, huh?), not that there would be many women there anyway.
So I have worked as a mail carrier, laborer, in a van yard cleaning vans, supermarkets, mostly part time dead end jobs.
I tried joining the army but failed due to confidence issues, which I am sure are due to a lack of female interaction throughout my life.
Oh yeah, in 2015, I finally fucked a prostitute. My reasoning was I didn't want to die or get disabled before experiecing sex. I'd made it to 25 years old without even touching a woman's breast. I had to do something, it took me fucking prostitutes for a few years to have the realization of "there must be more to women than this!?" which was what eventually lead me to day game pickup.
Since then I like to see one every few months. I have seen 16 prostitutes since 2015 now. But they don't scratch that young girl itch.
They are so mechanical and old and haggard. You won't find some nice 18-25 year old prostitute, most are 35+ in my area.
I always felt insecure about my lack of steady full time employment and the fact that I still live at home to this day. I always used to tell myself I would explore the dating world when I had a full time job and moved out of home. The next thing I know, I am 30 and my situation hasn't changed, now I've missed out on prime women aged 16-26 and I will always be the "older" man to any woman I meet.
I've started cold approach day game this year, hoping to make the most of what little time I have left to meet women. I am primarily interest in young girls aged 18-25 as I feel like I am going to miss out if I get too old to get with them while I can.
I really feel like my lack of female interaction has help me back in life and left me pent up and frustrated the whole time. Throughout my prime years I never had female contact and as a result I was only ever semi focused on what I was doing because I was always wondering when I am gonna get my dick wet.
I never buried my dick in a hot young 18 year old girl in her physical prime and now it feels like that ship has long sailed.
Everyone used to tell me "Oh don't worry, you're fine, you'll get a girlfriend when you least expect it" which has lead me to just chill and assume that one will appear from somewhere, but what they don't realise is that I AM NOT AROUND WOMEN to get a girlfriend.
You have to be around women on a regular basis, so now I am 30 and haven't even got off the starting block.
Where to go from here? I want to make my 30s and 40s what my teens and 20s could have been. At some point, I want to fit in having a son and raise him to live a life without regrets. In between having sex with multiple women half my age.
I just can't live with missing out on prime pussy. That is a bitter and depressing pill to swallow. My whole life I felt like this antisocial rebel, but it was just hurting myself in the end and it was pride causing me not to admit there was a problem.
Abridged version
Grew up in a Special Ed school. Over protective mother. Lack of day to day female interaction. Spent most evenings from 16-29 in a darkened bedroom on the computer. Developed a sick fetish and obsessive compulsive disorder. Feeling inadaquate due to employment and living situation.
I feel like a walking warhead ready to self destruct. The more years build up, the more frustration and regret builds up and compounds on top of what's already there. I can relate to Eminem's earlier work, hell, I could relate to that at 10 years old, now at 30 I can relate to it even more. Nearly my whole life, it seems, has been lived in my mind instead of in reality. All of these "major events" such as autopsy crisis and paedophile paranoia, only happened in my head, rather than having any grounding in reality.
Well okay, I still have the autopsy fetish but my point is, I would have thought about it much less if I was having normal female interactions to show me how I really am with women rather than focusing on one unusual kink and feeling like it defined me.
I've always wanted to have my plight held up as a sort of "see, this is what society does to a man when he can't get his dick wet" like a sort of victim of circumstance tale. But a couple of years ago I came to the sickening realisation that no one would actually give a fuck if I got old without having sex. Worse things have happened without anyone caring. So I have given up 14 years of my prime, not admitting there was a problem, for essentially nothing.
So I cut my nose off to spite my own stupid face in a way, keeping everything bottled up and refusing to compete in the usual traditional modern methods of getting sex by going to the club and getting drunk which was what people have suggested over the years but I've steadfastly declined.
Well, those are the confessions of a 30 year old incel.
Ya'll are lucky (
), because I was going to go on RSD Nation to post this, but I figure ya'll at RooshV had some older heads on here who might be able to relate more.I am turning 30 next year, never been with a chick, only prostitutes since 25. For all intents and purposes, I am an "incel".
Before 25 I'd never even got the chance to kiss a woman or hold one's hand.
I guess the only way to really explain this situation is to go over my whole life story.
School
Let's start at primary (elemetary) school, 1995.
I got bullied a bit and missbehaved a bit. My mom pulled me out of there and got the local authorities to do an assessement, one of these psychologists quickly labelled me with "aspergers syndrome", so that was that. At the time I was 5 and couldn't understand the implications it would have later on in life (being labelled that is).
What followed was complete social isolation from normal people growing up. The abridged version is, I attended special needs schools from then until 2006, when I was 16.
The main school was between the ages of 9-16 and it was a residential boarding school with only special needs kids in it. So I was never around people my own age the whole time growing up.
At that school we got high speed internet access in 2002, where I would spend a lot of time on the internet and posting on forums, my only interaction with normal strangers in the outside world (without counting the staff at the school, mostly women in their 20s and 30s).
2003, when I was 13 was when I first starting feeling a sexual attraction towards women.
I had no female access at all. Years of masturbation to magazines that I occasionally managed to smuggle in. And fantasising about the female members of staff, who ranged in ages from late teens to 50s, with 20s and 30s being the most common ages for them.
So I was always used to there being a social barrier between myself and female intemacy, from the very moment I had those feelings.
In July 2006, I finally finished school. I had spent half of my life at 16 (well, 7 years) in Special Ed and lived at the school, so it had a massive impact on my self identity. My mom wanted me to go to a special "college" where people with autism went but I said to my mom "fuck that, I just wanna be normal", so I went to community college near my home town.
The youth club overlaps the end of school and part way through college. I'ma break this down for ya'll into sections to make it easier to read.
Youth Club and first crush
I was never really allowed out on weekends (when I was home from the residential school), not until I was about 15 years old. My mom thought I was "vulnerable" and could be taken advantage of, which made me feel so embarressed and like a big baby.
In the last academic year of school in late '05 (year lasts sept-July) I started attending a local youth club. Firstly it was just during the holidays from school, then when I finished school I became a regular, in search of friends but most importantly, females.
Now, at the time I thought it was me and my labelled "aspergers" causing me to not make friends, but people around where I lived where quite "Clichey", so no one really wanted to associate with me as I had popped out of nowhere and they had all known each other from school and the local area.
Needless to say, I got bullied physically (on several occasions) and psychologically at this youth club but I was too low on self esteem to really care and felt like I kinda deserved it for having the audacity to try to integrate with normal kids.
After the first year or so, this calmed down and I sort of became accepted, through my determination not to let the bullies win. I even got respect from the bullies in the end.
There was this one blonde chick that I went there for, I fancied her like nobody else ever. I went bright red in the face and physically shakey in her presence. She was also two years younger than me, two years and a month that is, I found out her birthday through trawling her facebook account over the years. I wasn't sure where that left me in the acceptability area and since the youth club already had a history of being hostile territory I didn't want the other kids to turn on me and beat me up for approaching a younger chick that they felt protective of.
I went to that youth club for over 2 years just hoping that some kind of situation would get me interacting with this blonde chick in a natural way, but it never did. I felt like I should have approached her, but from my current social standing it would have been doomed to failure.
Side note: I still see this chick out and about around my town to this day, I just saw her on the sidewalk walking along on the phone last week actually! Not as good looking anymore, but still fuckable!
She was the prize and I wanted her bad back then. I got attention from another chick at that youth club but she was 14 and I was 17 and although hot, I didn't want to get into trouble for underage plus I had severe oneitus for the blonde chick.
In late 2008, I was about to turn 19 and approach the age cut off for attending the youth club. So I thought "fuck it, it's now or never". So if I wanted to approach her I had to take any opportunity.
I had a golden opportunity to approach the chick one evening in August 2008. It was me and the blonde chick in the youth club building alone, everyone else had gone off somewhere. There weren't even any youth club staff present for some reason. She was sat at the mini bar, I hesitated for a few seconds to make sure no one could overhear, then started tentitively walking towards her.
I was just going up to say "hi" and see what would happen. Unfortunately, just as I was about to do that, a little shit youth burst in the door and put me off. The chick didn't even know I was gonna say hi. I was literally just about to make the sound in my throat as this idiot burst in and ruined it.
And that was that for a few years, I would see her around town with her whole entourage of other teenage girls and boys but that's it. I found her bebo and facebook accounts and continued to look her up on there, back when people where stupid enough not to lock them down.
I was obsessed with her for about five years, but she never really knew who I was, I never uttered a word to her, just observed her and went through scenarios in my head. It was the worst feeling knowing that she never even knew who I was.
A lot of the chicks at the youth club seemed like young women, They would sit on the wall smoking cigarettes and gossiping. The chick that I liked was the centre of all that.They had part time jobs and "grown up" teenage lives.
I, on the other hand, had this weird post Special Ed life where I was like a near adult living with the lifestyle of a 12 year old which made me feel embarassed and awkward around chicks.
Community College and educational choices
I had a gap year from july '06-sept '07. That was a time when I mostly attended the youth club and got some very basic pocket money.
It was pergotory for me really. No one wanted to give me a job with my Special Ed background and lack of GCSEs (our equivalent to GEDs).
In Sept '07 I finally enrolled at the local community college. My fatal mistake was, choosing a nerdy subject (ICT).
There were a couple of chicks on the course, nothing special, wasn't really interested in them as I was still thinking about the chick from the youth club.
Looking back, there was quite a hot petite redhead on the second and third year of the course, who seemed comfortable around the other male students, but not me.
There were loads of chicks around the community college campus, if I'd known about day game I coulda tried it there. Although it was a small campus so I would probably have got into trouble sooner rather than later! I had no idea how to start a conversation with a stranger or if it was even appropiate.
I attended community college from sept-07 to jul 2010. It was a friendlier environment than the youth club, but I still felt like an outsider due to my weird school background compared to the other young adults.
There were a few occasions where I saw females and sometimes they would try to "open" me, I always brushed this off as them just being friendly and never tried to carry on a conversation.
I remember a couple times. One walking along the sidewalk and a couple o chicks at the bus stop said Hi to me from across the street. I said Hi back and left it at that. I always assumed chicks wanted to make fun of me, whenever they were being friendly.
Another time when I tried to throw a ball over the fence of an elemetary school nearby but missed and then threw it again and there were three chicks sat on the curb smoking and one of them said "second time lucky, huh?".
And I just faked laughed and said "Yeah, haha" and walked off.
Little did I know these could have been the beginning to interactions that coulda got me laid, or at least a blowjob.
During the evenings off from community college, I had no social life like the other teenagers seemed to have, I just sat on my computer in a darkened room, doing some homework, video gaming, browsing the internet, feeling like I was missing out, but not knowing how to get my share of the action.
Overall, I would say this was the happiest time, 2006-2010. It was the time that felt like it had the most potential and I really could have branched out if I knew how.
I'll always miss that college, the building has been knocked down now and they've relocated it somewhere else. There were even rumours about that being done back when I was there, I guess they finally did it. Times move on and if you don't you get left behind.
You know the biggest insult at college? Free condoms, there was a "condom card" scheme, where they gave you a card to receive free condoms with.
Funny annecdote: Once when I was walking from the campus to lunch, I actually got approached by what I can only assume to be a gay middle aged short bald guy. Long story short, since I was so lonely I ended up agreeing to go around to his house where he cared for his disabled mom. We discussed about things (can't remember what), he offered to give me a piggyback coming down the stairs, but I declined. A sad story indeed.
University and my dark fetish, OCD and depression
Things took a turn for the worse when I got to uni. I'm not gonna lie, a big part of me going to uni was in the hope that I would get laid. From the stories I heard, it would be impossible not to get laid at uni.
My first mistake was that I followed ICT or what became "computer science" at uni. My second mistake was that I did not live in halls, but rather in a nearby apartment block where a lot of international students lived, people I couldn't relate to because we did not share the same culture.
So most of the time I was stuck in my bedroom on my laptop, masturbating. I made a facebook account to check up on the chick from the youth club and see what she was up to. Occasionally I would stalk her to remind me of happier times.
I watched porn often at night, but then I remembered something I saw in 2010 that shocked me. There was a guy on a car forum who linked some 4chan images for a joke, one of them called "dissected chan".
I remember I was turned on by the dissected chan image but had forgotten all about it. During that time I decided to type in "female autopsy" into youtube, not expecting anything to come up in the search results.
How wrong was I. I saw my first female autopsy video in March 2011. I was hooked. I found more autopsy videos, from the third world, mostly China and India.
I masturbated up to 7 times per day to these videos, they were sheer ecstasy to me. More arousing than any porn could ever be. Seeing a woman starting as a whole, naked woman and then being stripped down to her component parts was just such a turn on for reasons I still don't understand.
Just knowing about autopsies was a turn on, I couldn't stop thinking about all the young prime women who would have been autopsied over the centuries. It was just a realization
of sheer arousal but then pure guilt and self loathing at the same time.
Then, after realising I had this sick fetish, I started getting paranoid about other fetishes I could have. Like, what if I was a paedophile? I developed POCD, which ran concurrently to my autopsy fetish, resulting in a quagmire of feelings of despair and I finally understood why some people would commit suicide.
I asked myself, when does one draw the line on a developing body? When would it be okay to be attracted to an underaged girl? All types of crazy hypothetical questions that I could never find the answer to. The more I worried about it, the more I got obsessed.
Say if you glance a girl, then realise she was underaged, then you think "Shit, was I turned on before I realised" that sort of thing. Or if I read a paedophile story on the news and wondered if I was capable of the same thing.
I was seeing everything through this fog of depression and complete maniacal and illogical obsession. I still forced myself to go to the gym and to go to class. I was very mentally strong to get through that shit and I am proud of myself that I pulled through.
I think I realised now why I got obsessed. The POCD has almost gone, I do have the odd relapse of obsessive thoughts.
I am still aroused by female autopsies, that will never go away, as I know I am a necrophile. I've come to terms with that and try not to let it get in the way of my everyday functioning. Like not watching autopsies before work where I have to interact with people.
Anyway, the reasons I had a bit of a break down were; 1. too much isolation 2. too much testosterone. I was 21, lifting weights and training in boxing. It was too much, far too much and I had no outlet for the sexual feelings when you are pushing so much testosterone around you're body, other than profuse amounts of masturbation and stimulation from autopsy content.
Whilst most others my age would be having female contact and getting their highs from that, I wasn't, I was just shut in a room isolated for months at a time, watching dead women being taken apart.
I don't mean to freak anyone out by talking about my autopsy fetish and my POCD, but I think it could be significant in the way I relate to women. I feel like a sex offender before I've even been with a woman for real. The autopsy content I've watched and still watch scars me to this day. I often wonder how harshly women would judge me if they knew. It's such a relief when I confide in people about my fetish and they make a joke of it, showing me that it's not that much of a big deal as I feel like.
So far in my life, 2011-12 were my darkest days. I yearned for the innocent and happy period just a couple years back, 2006-10 were the happy days. I feel like I truly became an adult in 2011-12, having to fight through all that darkness.
The one thing I did do well at uni was lifting weights seriously. I was jacked and I still have the shape to this day from that 18 months of weight training. But it didn't get me chicks like a lot of people thing lifting will, but I wasn't lifting to get chicks, I was lifting for myself.
Post University, the working world and prostitutes
So I graduated in 2012, without a single lay to my name at uni. I hoped things would change when I entered the working world, sadly, no.
So far in all my jobs it has been roughly 3/4 men and the few women that were there are old.
I have not been able to break into the computer industry due to lack of experience in that industry (so a degree is not enough, huh?), not that there would be many women there anyway.
So I have worked as a mail carrier, laborer, in a van yard cleaning vans, supermarkets, mostly part time dead end jobs.
I tried joining the army but failed due to confidence issues, which I am sure are due to a lack of female interaction throughout my life.
Oh yeah, in 2015, I finally fucked a prostitute. My reasoning was I didn't want to die or get disabled before experiecing sex. I'd made it to 25 years old without even touching a woman's breast. I had to do something, it took me fucking prostitutes for a few years to have the realization of "there must be more to women than this!?" which was what eventually lead me to day game pickup.
Since then I like to see one every few months. I have seen 16 prostitutes since 2015 now. But they don't scratch that young girl itch.
They are so mechanical and old and haggard. You won't find some nice 18-25 year old prostitute, most are 35+ in my area.
I always felt insecure about my lack of steady full time employment and the fact that I still live at home to this day. I always used to tell myself I would explore the dating world when I had a full time job and moved out of home. The next thing I know, I am 30 and my situation hasn't changed, now I've missed out on prime women aged 16-26 and I will always be the "older" man to any woman I meet.
I've started cold approach day game this year, hoping to make the most of what little time I have left to meet women. I am primarily interest in young girls aged 18-25 as I feel like I am going to miss out if I get too old to get with them while I can.
I really feel like my lack of female interaction has help me back in life and left me pent up and frustrated the whole time. Throughout my prime years I never had female contact and as a result I was only ever semi focused on what I was doing because I was always wondering when I am gonna get my dick wet.
I never buried my dick in a hot young 18 year old girl in her physical prime and now it feels like that ship has long sailed.
Everyone used to tell me "Oh don't worry, you're fine, you'll get a girlfriend when you least expect it" which has lead me to just chill and assume that one will appear from somewhere, but what they don't realise is that I AM NOT AROUND WOMEN to get a girlfriend.
You have to be around women on a regular basis, so now I am 30 and haven't even got off the starting block.
Where to go from here? I want to make my 30s and 40s what my teens and 20s could have been. At some point, I want to fit in having a son and raise him to live a life without regrets. In between having sex with multiple women half my age.
I just can't live with missing out on prime pussy. That is a bitter and depressing pill to swallow. My whole life I felt like this antisocial rebel, but it was just hurting myself in the end and it was pride causing me not to admit there was a problem.
Abridged version
Grew up in a Special Ed school. Over protective mother. Lack of day to day female interaction. Spent most evenings from 16-29 in a darkened bedroom on the computer. Developed a sick fetish and obsessive compulsive disorder. Feeling inadaquate due to employment and living situation.
I feel like a walking warhead ready to self destruct. The more years build up, the more frustration and regret builds up and compounds on top of what's already there. I can relate to Eminem's earlier work, hell, I could relate to that at 10 years old, now at 30 I can relate to it even more. Nearly my whole life, it seems, has been lived in my mind instead of in reality. All of these "major events" such as autopsy crisis and paedophile paranoia, only happened in my head, rather than having any grounding in reality.
Well okay, I still have the autopsy fetish but my point is, I would have thought about it much less if I was having normal female interactions to show me how I really am with women rather than focusing on one unusual kink and feeling like it defined me.
I've always wanted to have my plight held up as a sort of "see, this is what society does to a man when he can't get his dick wet" like a sort of victim of circumstance tale. But a couple of years ago I came to the sickening realisation that no one would actually give a fuck if I got old without having sex. Worse things have happened without anyone caring. So I have given up 14 years of my prime, not admitting there was a problem, for essentially nothing.
So I cut my nose off to spite my own stupid face in a way, keeping everything bottled up and refusing to compete in the usual traditional modern methods of getting sex by going to the club and getting drunk which was what people have suggested over the years but I've steadfastly declined.
Well, those are the confessions of a 30 year old incel.