Also: he who gives an ultimatum is broadcasting they are in the weak position.
People who are winning don't give ultimatums, they just act.
Ultimatums signal you have no other choices, and are deeply affected.
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Alternative could have been playing the long game of convincing her how degenerate and pathetic he may be, without appearing to care whether or not they hang.
I've done this by letting her express how their friendship stemmed from college, he was there for her during difficult family times, and has her back. Yet since I knew her, he was basically always hitting her up for advice, a loan, favors, and not being very gracious.
I said "what good is his 'having your back'? You have his back, you'll NEVER need him to have your back because you have your shit together. How is this guy ever going to help you if he can't hang on to $20 or keep a job? Sounds like it's just a nostalgia thing..."
Over a few months, this seeped in and she, on her own volition, started saying "wow, I spoke to him on the phone... again he needs help with something. Wow, this is pretty one-sided, I'm starting to see how desparate he is." as if it were her own idea. Inception!
Sometimes the long play is better.
(That being said, I understand in your case he was directly introducing a more sexualized vibe and that worried you)
People who are winning don't give ultimatums, they just act.
Ultimatums signal you have no other choices, and are deeply affected.
==
Alternative could have been playing the long game of convincing her how degenerate and pathetic he may be, without appearing to care whether or not they hang.
I've done this by letting her express how their friendship stemmed from college, he was there for her during difficult family times, and has her back. Yet since I knew her, he was basically always hitting her up for advice, a loan, favors, and not being very gracious.
I said "what good is his 'having your back'? You have his back, you'll NEVER need him to have your back because you have your shit together. How is this guy ever going to help you if he can't hang on to $20 or keep a job? Sounds like it's just a nostalgia thing..."
Over a few months, this seeped in and she, on her own volition, started saying "wow, I spoke to him on the phone... again he needs help with something. Wow, this is pretty one-sided, I'm starting to see how desparate he is." as if it were her own idea. Inception!
Sometimes the long play is better.
(That being said, I understand in your case he was directly introducing a more sexualized vibe and that worried you)