Quote: (10-11-2018 04:05 PM)Duke Main Wrote:
PW, I don't know where you live or if you have the ability to travel a bit but it might benefit you to meet some repped RVF members. There's probably a lot about you that you aren't aware of or that would be difficult to explain to others in a few paragraphs. Generalities are fine, but you might need advise that's specific to you.
That's an idea. I live in the upstate New York area. Do people here often organize meetups?
To be honest, I wish I could find someone to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. I can never seem to get into confrontations or anything. Others just back down or assure me how great I am.
Quote: (10-12-2018 08:52 PM)Delta Wrote:
Quote: (10-11-2018 12:07 PM)Professor When Wrote:
I guess it has only been a few months. But my bigger problem is the people that I am friends with seem to forget I exist unless I'm right under their nose. They don't actively exclude me, but there's never an invite to go out and do something unless I'm around when they're getting their shit together. They always seem to enjoy themselves when I organize something and I'm reasonably sure they're not just putting up with me as a necessary evil.
It's this general idea that is making me question my normal dynamic of making friends. I am attempting to explore whether there is something about me that makes people reluctant to bring me into their groups. I always feel like I have to be the nucleus if I want to have social interaction.
I've had situations like this where sometimes I get invited out, but a lot of times I don't by the same group. I think it's pretty normal. When you're planning something, chances are you don't blast invites to everyone you consider your friend, for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with disliking anyone. If this keeps happening with the same group, it's probably because they just don't consider you a 'core member' so to speak. But it also happens for stupider reasons, i.e. the outing was planned super last-minute. It's nothing out of the ordinary.
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As I have mentioned before, the majority of my friends (and dates) have come from people entering into my sphere. For example, in one of my lab sessions I was talking to my partner about my tabletop gaming hobbies, and that eventually ended up with 6 people giving me their numbers and I organized a few meetings for us to play board games together. I had them over to my place a few times, but over the course of about 2 months we basically all broke contact with each other. Things like this happen a lot to me and nothing ever seems to stick.
Again this is normal. Friends come and go, groups form and drift apart. That's how it is.
Except for the rare guy who's really annoying and people actively exclude, most people who don't have many friends are that way because they don't try to get close with people. It's not like trying to get laid. Potential friends are not scrutinizing everything about you to make sure you're good enough. Have you noticed how many dumb, awkward fuckups have tons of friends, and how many smart, clever, successful people don't? It's because making friends isn't so much about that stuff. The biggest predictors of someone's success with friendships are how outgoing they are and how much they genuinely like people. The people I know who have few friends tend to be either very introverted or have very little affection for people. If you're struggling with friendships, it's not so much about who you are as how view others.
Ah, you see, I have no actual point of reference for this. I just see other people from within this friend group doing things with each other and wonder. I am very introverted and I tend to enjoy my alone time, but I've just been trying to mix things up lately and see what sticks. Being less of a hermit is one of the things I'm doing.
Quote: (10-13-2018 02:21 PM)UniversalMen Wrote:
Quote: (10-10-2018 11:29 AM)Professor When Wrote:
This is a serious question. I've been a lone wolf all my life and I've only recently been letting people get closer to me. I have just started up in college again and I notice that I am having a lot of trouble connecting with anyone. I think this is best asked in this subforum as my eventual goal is to establish a social circle to augment my dating life.
So, now I'm wondering what you do to be more proactive about establishing connections. I often try to make small talk with both men and women, but find that I am bored very easily. I'm not really sure how to connect with people on a deeper level if they're not coming to me. Can anyone provide me some advice or direction on this topic?
Definitely going out to these organized group meetups is a great way to meet new people that will have the potential to be true, lifelong friends.
Personally, I think you'll have to dig deep and tap into the 'outgoing' side of you. Force yourself into these situations. Talk with everyone, and make sure to smile often.
The way I've made new friends with people is with joking about what's going on around you or wherever you're at, at that moment. It's also how I start many of my approaches with new girls.
- Take an improv class (not for everyone), it'll help you talk about random topics with random people.
- Getting involved in your community. I'm not necessarily saying you run for mayor but taking up voluntary work at the homeless shelter, animal shelter, boys and girls club, church events (if you're religious), community events/gatherings that need volunteers. The people you'll meet at these places are generally down to earth and they love talking to just about everyone, and you'll find that they'll want to hang out with you and will invite you to hang out with them quite quickly. Bonus: you very well might run into some cuties while attending these social functions, and build connections with some very influential and affluent people.
- When meeting new people start conversations on a fun, light note then find out what their interests are, slowly you can begin drop in things you find worthy/relatable about their interests and move the conversation toward your interests. You'd be surprised about the things you'll find out about new acquaintances that you'll end up taking an interest in their passions.
- Be genuine when you meet new people. Even if the things they're talking about or interested in are completely alien to you, it makes you a better, socially adjusted person when you hear what others have to say. People will thank you and appreciate you more when you show that you care about the things they're into it, even if underneath, you don't give two shits about them.
- When responding to people about their interests or dreams: make your responses thoughtful and as with as much depth as possible.
I'll keep these ideas in mind. Thanks.