Hello everyone,
I am creating this thread as a means to express myself to people who I hope can relate, offer crucial and much needed advice as well as deal me harsh truths should such be needed.
I write everything here with a heavy heart, one so torn and ravaged it beats uncomfortably in my sunken chest. But know it is all the truth, nothing will be held back and I wouldn't dare disrespect this place or its members by even attempting any deception.
My name is not important but what is ... The hole I am in.
I am a 27 year old man living at home with his parents in Ireland. I will be 28 soon and feel the sands of time slipping through my fingers, as if I am relegated to sit idly by and bitterly swallow all possible realities perish.
I have fallen in love with a woman who I can't have a future with. She is 42 years old, has tattoos, has slept with somewhere in the region of 15-18 different men and who has broken my heart more than once.
I do not know why I fell in love with this woman so deeply, oneitis has gripped my very soul and won't let go. My heart longs for her and my mind obsesses. She was and somewhat still is my world and primary driving factor.
I am unemployed, never really had a job to be honest. Went to college and got a unusable degree in arts because it was the easy option. Also am afflicted with relatively severe scoliosis, a small skeletal frame, poor sinuses, almost inept digestion and had a lung removed. So all in all, I am not the best.
Lost my virginity at 18, slept around to avoid intimacy with women and never tried good girls because of a fear of rejection from those I valued. Came across Rachel (the name I will give her here for some privacy) around 4 years ago now.
It began as just sex but I developed feelings quickly. The sex is amazing and the connection like none I have ever had with another human being before. Safe to say she is in deep.
I do not want to bore you with every little detail - just know we began as fuck buddies, then became bf and gf. I kept her as much a secret as possible. Never let her meet my friends, family or wouldn't go out in our local town with her either. Have met some of her family and went away together to foreign countries. Many amazing times have been shared together.
Was always angry, jealous and insecure about her past and the men in it though. It ate away at me more and more as time went on. The more I found out the worse it got. Over a year ago I broke up with her on a Friday, packed up my stuff and left.
Except we never cut contact, had sex occasionally and would talk about being together. Found out tonight she had sex with a man while we were broken up. She slept with him several times. We were talking about getting back together and giving it a proper go.
However, here is where it gets really twisted ... I have never intended on getting back together with her. I am truly ashamed and embarrassed that I've fallen for such a woman and that I can't seem to do any better. I will never be a public, proper couple with her. It's an impossibility.
Throughout our relationship also I cheated on her MANY times and gave her chlamydia twice - which I convinced her was her fault. In fairness, the first time it may well have been.
You might wonder what's the issue here? Well since I have broken up with her I have been plagued with a dark, malevolent and viscous depression which has me contemplating suicide almost daily.
Frighteningly, this darkness subsides when I am with her. Her presence, love and support makes the world seem somewhat tolerable and I can breathe.
Have been seeing a counselor since we broke up which doesn't seem to help and am in a dangerously bad place. Counselor and two close friends know of my suicidal mindset.
It is hard to explain, but the desire to end it all seems the only logical explanation and I do not believe that this life can be something for me. I come from a home with both parents incase anyone is wondering if I am the product of a single mother.
With regards to my ex Rachel - I am manipulative, vindictive, cunning, loving, supportive, masculine, childlike and a host of other adjectives in between.
I know not who or what I am. Pain defines me. I see no way out. No hope.
I write this thread to bare all. Not seeking to be judged, abused, coddled, ridiculed or congratulated. I simply must bare all to an audience I have respect for. No longer can I permit this all to exist solely within my mind, eating away at my soul like a cancer.
If you have taken the time to read all of this I must thank you sincerely.
If a mod wants to delete this thread I will respect that also.
Also, if it is in the wrong section I aplogize in advance.
Cliff Notes:-
Oneitis with 42 year old slut who I kept as a secret gf for years.
Deep suicidal depression after breaking up with her and it only goes away when I'm around her.
Am very physically and mentally messed up.
See no way out.
I am creating this thread as a means to express myself to people who I hope can relate, offer crucial and much needed advice as well as deal me harsh truths should such be needed.
I write everything here with a heavy heart, one so torn and ravaged it beats uncomfortably in my sunken chest. But know it is all the truth, nothing will be held back and I wouldn't dare disrespect this place or its members by even attempting any deception.
My name is not important but what is ... The hole I am in.
I am a 27 year old man living at home with his parents in Ireland. I will be 28 soon and feel the sands of time slipping through my fingers, as if I am relegated to sit idly by and bitterly swallow all possible realities perish.
I have fallen in love with a woman who I can't have a future with. She is 42 years old, has tattoos, has slept with somewhere in the region of 15-18 different men and who has broken my heart more than once.
I do not know why I fell in love with this woman so deeply, oneitis has gripped my very soul and won't let go. My heart longs for her and my mind obsesses. She was and somewhat still is my world and primary driving factor.
I am unemployed, never really had a job to be honest. Went to college and got a unusable degree in arts because it was the easy option. Also am afflicted with relatively severe scoliosis, a small skeletal frame, poor sinuses, almost inept digestion and had a lung removed. So all in all, I am not the best.
Lost my virginity at 18, slept around to avoid intimacy with women and never tried good girls because of a fear of rejection from those I valued. Came across Rachel (the name I will give her here for some privacy) around 4 years ago now.
It began as just sex but I developed feelings quickly. The sex is amazing and the connection like none I have ever had with another human being before. Safe to say she is in deep.
I do not want to bore you with every little detail - just know we began as fuck buddies, then became bf and gf. I kept her as much a secret as possible. Never let her meet my friends, family or wouldn't go out in our local town with her either. Have met some of her family and went away together to foreign countries. Many amazing times have been shared together.
Was always angry, jealous and insecure about her past and the men in it though. It ate away at me more and more as time went on. The more I found out the worse it got. Over a year ago I broke up with her on a Friday, packed up my stuff and left.
Except we never cut contact, had sex occasionally and would talk about being together. Found out tonight she had sex with a man while we were broken up. She slept with him several times. We were talking about getting back together and giving it a proper go.
However, here is where it gets really twisted ... I have never intended on getting back together with her. I am truly ashamed and embarrassed that I've fallen for such a woman and that I can't seem to do any better. I will never be a public, proper couple with her. It's an impossibility.
Throughout our relationship also I cheated on her MANY times and gave her chlamydia twice - which I convinced her was her fault. In fairness, the first time it may well have been.
You might wonder what's the issue here? Well since I have broken up with her I have been plagued with a dark, malevolent and viscous depression which has me contemplating suicide almost daily.
Frighteningly, this darkness subsides when I am with her. Her presence, love and support makes the world seem somewhat tolerable and I can breathe.
Have been seeing a counselor since we broke up which doesn't seem to help and am in a dangerously bad place. Counselor and two close friends know of my suicidal mindset.
It is hard to explain, but the desire to end it all seems the only logical explanation and I do not believe that this life can be something for me. I come from a home with both parents incase anyone is wondering if I am the product of a single mother.
With regards to my ex Rachel - I am manipulative, vindictive, cunning, loving, supportive, masculine, childlike and a host of other adjectives in between.
I know not who or what I am. Pain defines me. I see no way out. No hope.
I write this thread to bare all. Not seeking to be judged, abused, coddled, ridiculed or congratulated. I simply must bare all to an audience I have respect for. No longer can I permit this all to exist solely within my mind, eating away at my soul like a cancer.
If you have taken the time to read all of this I must thank you sincerely.
If a mod wants to delete this thread I will respect that also.
Also, if it is in the wrong section I aplogize in advance.
Cliff Notes:-
Oneitis with 42 year old slut who I kept as a secret gf for years.
Deep suicidal depression after breaking up with her and it only goes away when I'm around her.
Am very physically and mentally messed up.
See no way out.