I figured I'd make a thread on this as I'm sure others have had an immediate family member diagnosed with this and lived the hell it is for years prior to and continuing in diagnosis. There are a number of threads on this from a relationship perspective but family wise I haven't seen any. Hopefully I save a few of you the disaster that this is.
I'll give you some personal background prior to delving into the details. After finishing graduate school I went home to live with my dad and have him mentor me in his business area. I have a much younger sibling (mid teens) from a subsequent marriage that also lives with him.
I've spent over 4 years trying to help my dad with my sibling though the last 2 or 3 when its really gotten out of control. Thankfully I am able to walk away and retire at the end of this year although I have less funds than I would've liked to have its necessary.
Here are some of the things we've dealt with.
Suicide attempts. I'm talking every other month. Not once and realized its not for them. They put them in a mental house lock down for 72 hours then ship them back out like nothing is wrong. Its an absolute tragedy the way this shit is handled by our medical system. Kids drinking bottles of medicine and other fucking cocktails of drugs need to be held not get their stomachs pumped and shipped back out on their poor parents. I feel awful for my dad and her mom who suffer from this nightmare every day.
Rehab - They tell you that you can enrol her in rehab but you have to pay 6 months upfront. $45,000. Oh and if she leaves day one you don't get any money back. So basically you are fucked because you can't get her to commit to staying in a rental for a week never mind in a rehab facility for 6 months.
Cutting. This seems to be an intermittent issue that they do for a while then stop. To make you feel bad they will also make it visible and blame you.
Grandiose unbelievable stories. We live very well in a good area. Yet I hear tails of gangs, people threatening her with guns, trap houses, hits on people. Listening to the shit she says you'd think shes living in the worst barrio in a 3rd world country. Meanwhile in reality she lives exceptionally privileged.
Victimized by males constantly - If you talk to her she will suggest shes been raped by more guys than the average guy fucks in their lives.
Ex-boyfriends - Tells crazy stories about weapon usage, how they beat her etc.
Victim mentality - Will scream at her parents and tell them to fuck themselves, they abandoned her etc. Will a few hours later talk to them like nothing happened and wonder why they are upset.
Drug and Alcohol Usage - Weed is the popular one that seems to stick. From what she says she has had a coke addiction as well. The current one of choice is the booze. Imagine someone black out drunk every day and thats what you get. Not the I drank 6 shots of rum and got a bit tipsy, I'm talking the 26er or 40 variety. Every week we are finding empties hidden away of obscene amounts of alcohol.
Social Media - Will post terrible things regarding her family and others on social media which have absolutely no merit or truth to them. When asked to take it down she say why should I because its true. We are talking totally outlandish type of things.
Extreme reactions - A simple dialogue about something will turn to her screaming profusely at you. Other times she will break down and start crying.
Boys / Sex - There was a period of time where we were literally kicking guys out we found in the house every few days. We are talking guys she had snuck in overnight. This has seemingly stopped.
Threatening to kill herself - This is a common one and extremely stressful for her parents. Whenever something isn't agreed upon she will say well shes just going to kill herself. There have been times where shes ran out of the house, came back 30 minutes later and say some guy pulled her off a bridge right before she jumped. Meanwhile we had a friend follow her and there was no bridge anywhere in sight and she walked down the street. Something simple will cause her to make these threats. This is also probably a weekly event and occurs anytime she remotely feels slighted. (Which often occurs do to absolutely nothing)
Revolving door of friends - Every other week we see a new friend group coming in the house. They are entirely new groups seemingly with no attachments or connections to the previous group. Usually they last a week or two and then seemingly disappear.
Street People - Seem to somehow frequently end up in our house. I'm talking kids who have been booted by their home by their parents and people who sleep under bridges. We've found sleeping bags and clothes in our garages / vehicles.
Blaming - Everything is someone elses fault. There is never any self admission of error. Things with no connection to someone in a million years are their fault. If you asked her she would happily tell you everything bad that has happened to her, including her drug and alcohol usage are her parents fault. In reality she has probably the nicest, kindest dad anyone could ask for. Her parents bend over backwards for her.
Disagreements - When she talks to a friend who disagrees with her you can hear her go jump from spectrum to another. Usually from Happy, to angry or sad etc.
Really weird hours - Not much to describe this as its totally inconsistent. It wouldn't be unusual for her to be awake 4am to 2pm. Sleep till 10PM or some other unusual variant.
Inability to work or attend school - Going to school is impossible. Shes gotten jobs before and then just no showed without attending a single day. We've tried the online course route with only a course or so at a time. The course never gets done. I question whether some other people who I've seen in other threads talking about BPD girlfriends who were highly successful actually have this disorder. These people are totally unable to complete basic tasks. I can't see but a fraction of them getting anything beyond menial jobs if they work at all.
High Intelligence - Shes extremely smart which she uses to her advantage.
Issues with authority - These are various. Stealing, Drinking at malls. Shes been so fucked up before that shes been screaming and threatening towards Police. If I at my age and size acted like she did towards Police I would be serving 2-5 years no doubt.
Money - Shes a teenager but seems to always come up with money. Basically involves constantly selling shit. (Phone, clothes, jewellery etc.) We've also had expensive goods disappear.
Short good periods - We get the odd week or two where you would think she was a noble peace prize winner, kind, considerate, smart. Then you get months of pure hell.
Relationship with family - From what I observe she views her family as nothing more than a means to give her what she wants at any given time be it money, take out, clothes etc. No empathy whatsoever towards family. With that said we get the odd period where she suddenly feels bad for things and apologizes.
Extremely frequent requests - Will request things non stop. I'm talking simple stuff. Drive me to a friends, get me take out etc. But its constant.
Gives no fucks about waking you up at 4am on a work day over any menial thing. I'm talking stuff like could you come clean a fork. Other times its obscene requests like can you drive me to see a friend who is 2 hours away.
No sense of stability regarding where she wants to be - Every other week I hear about a different place she wants to live. Of course with the accompanied assertion that a house needs to be bought their. Sometimes different cities, other times entirely different countries.
Reckless speak regarding money - Talks about money like it grows on trees. Asserts shes wronged because in her mid teens our dad still hasn't bought her a mansion after promising her one years ago according to her. Totally reckless spending as well is accompanied by it. I'd be shocked if people with this have any concept or ability to save. My guess is she spends $1,000+ a month on take out alone. Hundreds of dollars if not north of a thousand monthly on drugs and alcohol.
Abandonment - Constantly yells about being kicked out of the house, sleeping under bridges etc. Tells these stories to all her friends as well.
Drug use - Claims using drugs and alcohol help her. The actual rates of suicide are about 10% with this disorder. The key factor in terms of success in terms of remission or improvement is not using drugs and alcohol. Meanwhile I've read 78% of people with it develop substance abuse. (I somewhat think this disorder is actually tied to substance issue)
Intentional infliction of stress on family to get her way - She will say things like I'll be living under a bridge tonight and won't wear a coat when shes told she has to go to her moms for the night after her 9th tirade of the day. If she doesn't get money she suggests she will engage in sex work to get the money etc.
Night terrors - self explanatory.
Texting - Will constantly text you about a minor thing. As an example if my dad goes to pick her up a pizza he will get atleast 10 texts in the 20 minutes he leaves the house. Have you left? How long? Where are you? How much longer? etc.
Deception - Will lie and use extreme levels of deception to get what she wants. When shes fucked up enough knowingly admits that shes a master at deceiving people.
Suggestion for the rest of you. Don't even bother trying to fuck girls with this. Run for the hills. You are risking your livelihood. Many of you will only ever get glimpses of this disorder from the relationship side and over shortened periods of time. I can tell you this disorder will ruin everyone around them mentally, emotionally, physically. No girl or friend is worth this.
For family - I don't have much to tell you regarding deal with this. One thing you have to accept is that you are dealing with a constant timebomb. If they aren't a direct family member I'd suggest trying to limit exposure. As much as you want to help these people they need to want to get help. Regardless of how nice you are to them they will talk about you like you are the scum of the earth.
I'll give you some personal background prior to delving into the details. After finishing graduate school I went home to live with my dad and have him mentor me in his business area. I have a much younger sibling (mid teens) from a subsequent marriage that also lives with him.
I've spent over 4 years trying to help my dad with my sibling though the last 2 or 3 when its really gotten out of control. Thankfully I am able to walk away and retire at the end of this year although I have less funds than I would've liked to have its necessary.
Here are some of the things we've dealt with.
Suicide attempts. I'm talking every other month. Not once and realized its not for them. They put them in a mental house lock down for 72 hours then ship them back out like nothing is wrong. Its an absolute tragedy the way this shit is handled by our medical system. Kids drinking bottles of medicine and other fucking cocktails of drugs need to be held not get their stomachs pumped and shipped back out on their poor parents. I feel awful for my dad and her mom who suffer from this nightmare every day.
Rehab - They tell you that you can enrol her in rehab but you have to pay 6 months upfront. $45,000. Oh and if she leaves day one you don't get any money back. So basically you are fucked because you can't get her to commit to staying in a rental for a week never mind in a rehab facility for 6 months.
Cutting. This seems to be an intermittent issue that they do for a while then stop. To make you feel bad they will also make it visible and blame you.
Grandiose unbelievable stories. We live very well in a good area. Yet I hear tails of gangs, people threatening her with guns, trap houses, hits on people. Listening to the shit she says you'd think shes living in the worst barrio in a 3rd world country. Meanwhile in reality she lives exceptionally privileged.
Victimized by males constantly - If you talk to her she will suggest shes been raped by more guys than the average guy fucks in their lives.
Ex-boyfriends - Tells crazy stories about weapon usage, how they beat her etc.
Victim mentality - Will scream at her parents and tell them to fuck themselves, they abandoned her etc. Will a few hours later talk to them like nothing happened and wonder why they are upset.
Drug and Alcohol Usage - Weed is the popular one that seems to stick. From what she says she has had a coke addiction as well. The current one of choice is the booze. Imagine someone black out drunk every day and thats what you get. Not the I drank 6 shots of rum and got a bit tipsy, I'm talking the 26er or 40 variety. Every week we are finding empties hidden away of obscene amounts of alcohol.
Social Media - Will post terrible things regarding her family and others on social media which have absolutely no merit or truth to them. When asked to take it down she say why should I because its true. We are talking totally outlandish type of things.
Extreme reactions - A simple dialogue about something will turn to her screaming profusely at you. Other times she will break down and start crying.
Boys / Sex - There was a period of time where we were literally kicking guys out we found in the house every few days. We are talking guys she had snuck in overnight. This has seemingly stopped.
Threatening to kill herself - This is a common one and extremely stressful for her parents. Whenever something isn't agreed upon she will say well shes just going to kill herself. There have been times where shes ran out of the house, came back 30 minutes later and say some guy pulled her off a bridge right before she jumped. Meanwhile we had a friend follow her and there was no bridge anywhere in sight and she walked down the street. Something simple will cause her to make these threats. This is also probably a weekly event and occurs anytime she remotely feels slighted. (Which often occurs do to absolutely nothing)
Revolving door of friends - Every other week we see a new friend group coming in the house. They are entirely new groups seemingly with no attachments or connections to the previous group. Usually they last a week or two and then seemingly disappear.
Street People - Seem to somehow frequently end up in our house. I'm talking kids who have been booted by their home by their parents and people who sleep under bridges. We've found sleeping bags and clothes in our garages / vehicles.
Blaming - Everything is someone elses fault. There is never any self admission of error. Things with no connection to someone in a million years are their fault. If you asked her she would happily tell you everything bad that has happened to her, including her drug and alcohol usage are her parents fault. In reality she has probably the nicest, kindest dad anyone could ask for. Her parents bend over backwards for her.
Disagreements - When she talks to a friend who disagrees with her you can hear her go jump from spectrum to another. Usually from Happy, to angry or sad etc.
Really weird hours - Not much to describe this as its totally inconsistent. It wouldn't be unusual for her to be awake 4am to 2pm. Sleep till 10PM or some other unusual variant.
Inability to work or attend school - Going to school is impossible. Shes gotten jobs before and then just no showed without attending a single day. We've tried the online course route with only a course or so at a time. The course never gets done. I question whether some other people who I've seen in other threads talking about BPD girlfriends who were highly successful actually have this disorder. These people are totally unable to complete basic tasks. I can't see but a fraction of them getting anything beyond menial jobs if they work at all.
High Intelligence - Shes extremely smart which she uses to her advantage.
Issues with authority - These are various. Stealing, Drinking at malls. Shes been so fucked up before that shes been screaming and threatening towards Police. If I at my age and size acted like she did towards Police I would be serving 2-5 years no doubt.
Money - Shes a teenager but seems to always come up with money. Basically involves constantly selling shit. (Phone, clothes, jewellery etc.) We've also had expensive goods disappear.
Short good periods - We get the odd week or two where you would think she was a noble peace prize winner, kind, considerate, smart. Then you get months of pure hell.
Relationship with family - From what I observe she views her family as nothing more than a means to give her what she wants at any given time be it money, take out, clothes etc. No empathy whatsoever towards family. With that said we get the odd period where she suddenly feels bad for things and apologizes.
Extremely frequent requests - Will request things non stop. I'm talking simple stuff. Drive me to a friends, get me take out etc. But its constant.
Gives no fucks about waking you up at 4am on a work day over any menial thing. I'm talking stuff like could you come clean a fork. Other times its obscene requests like can you drive me to see a friend who is 2 hours away.
No sense of stability regarding where she wants to be - Every other week I hear about a different place she wants to live. Of course with the accompanied assertion that a house needs to be bought their. Sometimes different cities, other times entirely different countries.
Reckless speak regarding money - Talks about money like it grows on trees. Asserts shes wronged because in her mid teens our dad still hasn't bought her a mansion after promising her one years ago according to her. Totally reckless spending as well is accompanied by it. I'd be shocked if people with this have any concept or ability to save. My guess is she spends $1,000+ a month on take out alone. Hundreds of dollars if not north of a thousand monthly on drugs and alcohol.
Abandonment - Constantly yells about being kicked out of the house, sleeping under bridges etc. Tells these stories to all her friends as well.
Drug use - Claims using drugs and alcohol help her. The actual rates of suicide are about 10% with this disorder. The key factor in terms of success in terms of remission or improvement is not using drugs and alcohol. Meanwhile I've read 78% of people with it develop substance abuse. (I somewhat think this disorder is actually tied to substance issue)
Intentional infliction of stress on family to get her way - She will say things like I'll be living under a bridge tonight and won't wear a coat when shes told she has to go to her moms for the night after her 9th tirade of the day. If she doesn't get money she suggests she will engage in sex work to get the money etc.
Night terrors - self explanatory.
Texting - Will constantly text you about a minor thing. As an example if my dad goes to pick her up a pizza he will get atleast 10 texts in the 20 minutes he leaves the house. Have you left? How long? Where are you? How much longer? etc.
Deception - Will lie and use extreme levels of deception to get what she wants. When shes fucked up enough knowingly admits that shes a master at deceiving people.
Suggestion for the rest of you. Don't even bother trying to fuck girls with this. Run for the hills. You are risking your livelihood. Many of you will only ever get glimpses of this disorder from the relationship side and over shortened periods of time. I can tell you this disorder will ruin everyone around them mentally, emotionally, physically. No girl or friend is worth this.
For family - I don't have much to tell you regarding deal with this. One thing you have to accept is that you are dealing with a constant timebomb. If they aren't a direct family member I'd suggest trying to limit exposure. As much as you want to help these people they need to want to get help. Regardless of how nice you are to them they will talk about you like you are the scum of the earth.