I know this is a stupid beta question and I probably shouldn't even be asking it but I'm not in the right state of mind at the moment. I just received some news from this girl who I developed oneitis for. I should have seen the symptoms but I was caught up in the moment because I was so close to seeing her.
A little background: After my fiasco last winter in vietnam where I met a girl but we both went cold and then I caught her dating some other guy, I was kind of devastated so I went online to look for some new potential plates. You can read about it from my journal. About 1-2 months later, I met another girl. At first we didn't really connect much because of the language barrier (she speaks Vietnamese and hardly any english and me vice versa) however, both of our language skills improved to the point where we could regularly talk although sometimes I need to translate a few english words for her. We both started to talk more and more online and at the time and I guess that's when I started to get feelings for her and vice versa. She kept on asking me when I was going to come to vietnam and she said she waiting for me at the airport. I was originally going to go visit her in January or February but I got laid off at the beginning of october which was a huge setback for my plans. I went on EI so I couldn't work for 5 months but during this time I was working on passive sources of income (a book) and I'm on the verge of launching a youtube channel that I intend to monetize to avoid these stupid long distance relationship hiccups in the future. I just needed a little more time!
Due to this and continued problems with employment (I got another job as soon as my ei ended but the company had a production slowdown during my 5th week there so I didn't get called in, I found another job immediately within 2 weeks (my current temp job) , I didn't have the funds yet to spend 5 months in vietnam with her. So I had to delay it and all this time, she kept on asking me when was I coming? when was I coming? She even started to refer to herself as my gf and tried to get me to commit. I didn't want to commit yet because we hadn't even met in person only video chatted a lot of times. I had wanted to go out with her for at least a few weeks before.
About a month ago, I noticed her behaviour changed (usually a sign of a guy in the picture) and she become more distant. One day out of the blue she asked me "If I went and got married with another man, what would you do?"
Like any normal rational human being I told her "What could I do? You already gave your heart to another man. I said I would leave her. There's nothing I could have done." Looking back at this, this might have been a shittest that I failed. I instead should have answered something like this "I'll put on my superman costume and come down and rescue you and we will go fly off into the moon." or something like that. I was really tired that day from my job (auto assembly line) so I wasn't my usual witty self. She told me "Don't you want to hold me tight in your arms?" I don't remember what I said but I don't think I could really do anything if she really did get married with another man. She got sad about my answer. But at the conclusion of our conversation I thought I had rebounded because she seemed more upbeat.
Anyways, I noticed now she was even more distant. I suspect at that time her parents or someone must have tried to force an arranged marriage on her or something. At the time though, I thought it meant there was just another guy not that she was going to get married. I was stupid. I should have read between the lines (lesson learned. Make sure to address there concerns immediately and fix it!)
She pretty much stopped messaging me but then I noticed on her facebook she would write posts about marriage or something. I got suspicious and kind of worried now. I was thinking "holy shit, she really is going to get married soon!" so I messaged her at the beginning of this week and that's when she dropped the ball on me "My parents want me to get married to a vietnamese man soon." My jaw dropped! I should have seen that coming. I got angry so I started to question her asking her if this was what she meant before when she wrote me those messages. I told her if she wanted to get married with this man and if she loved him? She told me her parents want her to and she didn't love him. I asked her how long has she known this man for. She said "one month." I was thinking she either was a fucking liar or out of her fucking mind. Only 1 month and already this beta chump has already proposed they get married. She said he lives near her home. She's from the countryside. She said her parents worry about her.
I asked her if it was the guy from a video she sent me recently of her baby sisters birthday. She confirmed it. I suspected it was him because this motherfucker stole my superhero nickname and inside joke between us from last year. He changed his username on fb. I told her it doesn't really matter anymore
me: it's up to fate now. If you really love me, you will wait for me, if you don't then you will go get married. It's no longer my choice, the decision is yours.
I said goodbye to her and she said "Your letting me go?" with a sad crying face. but then she said she is still waiting for me and then I will have our decision. I told her she could call me when I come to vietnam and pick me up then and she said ok and then wrote her something to reference a past topic between us. After I said goodbye, a few hours later, she sent me a pic of the words I wrote her inscribed on sand. The way it ended really bothered me the way things ended and I had a lot of questions that I still wanted answered so I couldn't fight the urge and I messaged her 2 days ago asking her to be honest with me.
I went beta and asked her how come when this guy asked her for marriage why didn't she tell him she already had a bf from canada? She said "your my bf?"
I told her we already talked about it before (We had brought this up but she didn't believe me and wanted me to do it officially in vn when I arrived.)
She said "You didn't admit that."
I told her "you said your were my gf.
I asked her when does her parents want her to get married. She said 2 months from now. I told her if she wants to marry him then to let me know because I don't want to waste my time on her and ask her if she has already agreed to marry him.
She said she didn't agree to marry him yet. She said her parents are worried about her that she can't get married in vn because of her age (she's only 26 but I guess they are under a lot of pressure to get married."
I asked her didn't you tell your parents about me. They said they know me but they don't like me because they don't think I am serious and because I live far away. She said she wants more time to think about it and then brings up the fact that she waited a long time for me. She was angry at me for making her wait for so long and I tried to address her concerns but she said her parents don't want her to put her hopes on me. I told her what happened with my job and showed her pics of my arms all banged up from my current shitty job and she started to feel sad and guilty and hurt. I told her I did all of this so that I could spend more time in vn with her. She told me I should just get my butt over there and it's ok if I leave soon. I didn't want to yet because I'm working on my saving enough money to work on my youtube channel in vn so I could stay there or travel anywhere else long term and kill any long-distance relationships for good!
I proposed that she wait for me until july and I would buy the ticket at the end of this month. She told me she would think about it and then give me an answer tomorrow.
Today I got the bad news during my last break at work. She said she's going to get married with him. I told her I was going to come in 3 weeks actually but she said sorry. We both said our goodbyes and I told her this was going to be the last time we talk. She gave me a crying face. I was really fucked up at work and just waited to quit right there on the spot and say "fuck this job."
So that leads me to right now as I write this. This was probably the most fucked up thing in terms of relationship to happen in my life short of being cheated on. The fucking pain won't go away. The agonizing pain just won't stop!
I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I should have kept a few backup options that I really dug (I know stupid) but I did have one of my backups message me right before this happened and I asked if she was going to show me around in case this didn't work out between me and this girl who I really dug. I developed serious oneitis for her. I'm kind of pissed off at her for agreeing to marry this guy. I looked at his fb and he's a fucking beta male. He constantly writes on her wall and likes her posts (nearly every single one) but she ignores his comments. He looks scrawny, short, and fucking ugly and to add insult to injury, he copied my fucking nickname between me and the girl. I'm taller, better looking, more confident, and since I'm from a western country, I'm pretty sure my value would have run circles around this dude. I know my insecurities are really showing up now.
I feel a mix of emotions right now from angry, depression, sadness, and pain. I was really going to quit this fucking job in 5 weeks or less and go and see her but she didn't keep her fucking word! I know it's my fault for making her wait this long, but it was out of my control with the work. I tried my best to make it happen.
I feel a lot of angry towards her right now for not keeping her word. I'm not sure if she was fucking lying or not about her parents forcing her to marry this guy but she could have said no and waited for me for just a few more weeks. Right now I feel like messaging her again asking her "you told me you were going to wait for me first before you decide but now you changed your mind." but I don't know if its the right thing to do. When I got home, I immediately unfollowed her. I'm thinking about even unfriending her but I'm worried it may make me look weak and buttheart. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm stuck in no man's land (toronto) and literally weeks away from dating paradise (vietnam). I'm not if I should keep her as a friend and then show her pics of me with girls in vietnam or just unfriend her even if it makes me look weak or if I should go fight for her like she wanted me to before and act all beta. That seemed to have worked for that guy who wanted her to marry him. Maybe in vn being more confident and alpha doesn't work but one needs to be more beta(not texting her every day or even multiple times in a day or liking all of her fb posts). I don't know. I'm not sure if she was being completely honest about her parents forcing her to marry this guy and she wanted me to fight for her or it was all just bullshit but it seems its now over. I know in a few weeks I can literally meet hundreds of girls in vn especially now that I can communicate with them in vietnamese (at least somewhat at an upper elementary, lower intermediate level.) but I am that uneasy feeling within me telling me, this girl wants me to fight for her. I know in a few weeks she will see pics of me in vietnam unless she unfriends me. so potentially I can use that as leverage or should I just say fuck it!
I'm also contemplating writing something on my word along the lines of "they say actions speak louder then words, now I know why. Making promises are easy,
but keeping them is another story..."
Sorry guys, I am seriously fucked in the head right now!
I need some advice.
A little background: After my fiasco last winter in vietnam where I met a girl but we both went cold and then I caught her dating some other guy, I was kind of devastated so I went online to look for some new potential plates. You can read about it from my journal. About 1-2 months later, I met another girl. At first we didn't really connect much because of the language barrier (she speaks Vietnamese and hardly any english and me vice versa) however, both of our language skills improved to the point where we could regularly talk although sometimes I need to translate a few english words for her. We both started to talk more and more online and at the time and I guess that's when I started to get feelings for her and vice versa. She kept on asking me when I was going to come to vietnam and she said she waiting for me at the airport. I was originally going to go visit her in January or February but I got laid off at the beginning of october which was a huge setback for my plans. I went on EI so I couldn't work for 5 months but during this time I was working on passive sources of income (a book) and I'm on the verge of launching a youtube channel that I intend to monetize to avoid these stupid long distance relationship hiccups in the future. I just needed a little more time!
Due to this and continued problems with employment (I got another job as soon as my ei ended but the company had a production slowdown during my 5th week there so I didn't get called in, I found another job immediately within 2 weeks (my current temp job) , I didn't have the funds yet to spend 5 months in vietnam with her. So I had to delay it and all this time, she kept on asking me when was I coming? when was I coming? She even started to refer to herself as my gf and tried to get me to commit. I didn't want to commit yet because we hadn't even met in person only video chatted a lot of times. I had wanted to go out with her for at least a few weeks before.
About a month ago, I noticed her behaviour changed (usually a sign of a guy in the picture) and she become more distant. One day out of the blue she asked me "If I went and got married with another man, what would you do?"
Like any normal rational human being I told her "What could I do? You already gave your heart to another man. I said I would leave her. There's nothing I could have done." Looking back at this, this might have been a shittest that I failed. I instead should have answered something like this "I'll put on my superman costume and come down and rescue you and we will go fly off into the moon." or something like that. I was really tired that day from my job (auto assembly line) so I wasn't my usual witty self. She told me "Don't you want to hold me tight in your arms?" I don't remember what I said but I don't think I could really do anything if she really did get married with another man. She got sad about my answer. But at the conclusion of our conversation I thought I had rebounded because she seemed more upbeat.
Anyways, I noticed now she was even more distant. I suspect at that time her parents or someone must have tried to force an arranged marriage on her or something. At the time though, I thought it meant there was just another guy not that she was going to get married. I was stupid. I should have read between the lines (lesson learned. Make sure to address there concerns immediately and fix it!)
She pretty much stopped messaging me but then I noticed on her facebook she would write posts about marriage or something. I got suspicious and kind of worried now. I was thinking "holy shit, she really is going to get married soon!" so I messaged her at the beginning of this week and that's when she dropped the ball on me "My parents want me to get married to a vietnamese man soon." My jaw dropped! I should have seen that coming. I got angry so I started to question her asking her if this was what she meant before when she wrote me those messages. I told her if she wanted to get married with this man and if she loved him? She told me her parents want her to and she didn't love him. I asked her how long has she known this man for. She said "one month." I was thinking she either was a fucking liar or out of her fucking mind. Only 1 month and already this beta chump has already proposed they get married. She said he lives near her home. She's from the countryside. She said her parents worry about her.
I asked her if it was the guy from a video she sent me recently of her baby sisters birthday. She confirmed it. I suspected it was him because this motherfucker stole my superhero nickname and inside joke between us from last year. He changed his username on fb. I told her it doesn't really matter anymore
me: it's up to fate now. If you really love me, you will wait for me, if you don't then you will go get married. It's no longer my choice, the decision is yours.
I said goodbye to her and she said "Your letting me go?" with a sad crying face. but then she said she is still waiting for me and then I will have our decision. I told her she could call me when I come to vietnam and pick me up then and she said ok and then wrote her something to reference a past topic between us. After I said goodbye, a few hours later, she sent me a pic of the words I wrote her inscribed on sand. The way it ended really bothered me the way things ended and I had a lot of questions that I still wanted answered so I couldn't fight the urge and I messaged her 2 days ago asking her to be honest with me.
I went beta and asked her how come when this guy asked her for marriage why didn't she tell him she already had a bf from canada? She said "your my bf?"
I told her we already talked about it before (We had brought this up but she didn't believe me and wanted me to do it officially in vn when I arrived.)
She said "You didn't admit that."
I told her "you said your were my gf.
I asked her when does her parents want her to get married. She said 2 months from now. I told her if she wants to marry him then to let me know because I don't want to waste my time on her and ask her if she has already agreed to marry him.
She said she didn't agree to marry him yet. She said her parents are worried about her that she can't get married in vn because of her age (she's only 26 but I guess they are under a lot of pressure to get married."
I asked her didn't you tell your parents about me. They said they know me but they don't like me because they don't think I am serious and because I live far away. She said she wants more time to think about it and then brings up the fact that she waited a long time for me. She was angry at me for making her wait for so long and I tried to address her concerns but she said her parents don't want her to put her hopes on me. I told her what happened with my job and showed her pics of my arms all banged up from my current shitty job and she started to feel sad and guilty and hurt. I told her I did all of this so that I could spend more time in vn with her. She told me I should just get my butt over there and it's ok if I leave soon. I didn't want to yet because I'm working on my saving enough money to work on my youtube channel in vn so I could stay there or travel anywhere else long term and kill any long-distance relationships for good!
I proposed that she wait for me until july and I would buy the ticket at the end of this month. She told me she would think about it and then give me an answer tomorrow.
Today I got the bad news during my last break at work. She said she's going to get married with him. I told her I was going to come in 3 weeks actually but she said sorry. We both said our goodbyes and I told her this was going to be the last time we talk. She gave me a crying face. I was really fucked up at work and just waited to quit right there on the spot and say "fuck this job."
So that leads me to right now as I write this. This was probably the most fucked up thing in terms of relationship to happen in my life short of being cheated on. The fucking pain won't go away. The agonizing pain just won't stop!
I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I should have kept a few backup options that I really dug (I know stupid) but I did have one of my backups message me right before this happened and I asked if she was going to show me around in case this didn't work out between me and this girl who I really dug. I developed serious oneitis for her. I'm kind of pissed off at her for agreeing to marry this guy. I looked at his fb and he's a fucking beta male. He constantly writes on her wall and likes her posts (nearly every single one) but she ignores his comments. He looks scrawny, short, and fucking ugly and to add insult to injury, he copied my fucking nickname between me and the girl. I'm taller, better looking, more confident, and since I'm from a western country, I'm pretty sure my value would have run circles around this dude. I know my insecurities are really showing up now.
I feel a mix of emotions right now from angry, depression, sadness, and pain. I was really going to quit this fucking job in 5 weeks or less and go and see her but she didn't keep her fucking word! I know it's my fault for making her wait this long, but it was out of my control with the work. I tried my best to make it happen.
I feel a lot of angry towards her right now for not keeping her word. I'm not sure if she was fucking lying or not about her parents forcing her to marry this guy but she could have said no and waited for me for just a few more weeks. Right now I feel like messaging her again asking her "you told me you were going to wait for me first before you decide but now you changed your mind." but I don't know if its the right thing to do. When I got home, I immediately unfollowed her. I'm thinking about even unfriending her but I'm worried it may make me look weak and buttheart. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm stuck in no man's land (toronto) and literally weeks away from dating paradise (vietnam). I'm not if I should keep her as a friend and then show her pics of me with girls in vietnam or just unfriend her even if it makes me look weak or if I should go fight for her like she wanted me to before and act all beta. That seemed to have worked for that guy who wanted her to marry him. Maybe in vn being more confident and alpha doesn't work but one needs to be more beta(not texting her every day or even multiple times in a day or liking all of her fb posts). I don't know. I'm not sure if she was being completely honest about her parents forcing her to marry this guy and she wanted me to fight for her or it was all just bullshit but it seems its now over. I know in a few weeks I can literally meet hundreds of girls in vn especially now that I can communicate with them in vietnamese (at least somewhat at an upper elementary, lower intermediate level.) but I am that uneasy feeling within me telling me, this girl wants me to fight for her. I know in a few weeks she will see pics of me in vietnam unless she unfriends me. so potentially I can use that as leverage or should I just say fuck it!
I'm also contemplating writing something on my word along the lines of "they say actions speak louder then words, now I know why. Making promises are easy,
but keeping them is another story..."
Sorry guys, I am seriously fucked in the head right now!
I need some advice.