Hi, guys. I read some of the "older guys" thread in the main forum, but didn't want to interrupt the discussion there with my newbieness, so I thought I'd create separate thread to solicit people's advice on getting started with this pickup stuff for the first time as a fortysomething.
I'm a 41 year old man, who has never married, has had 2 serious relationships, and has had sex with three women in my life. I was a really shy, quiet, timid kid, and thus have never, even to this day, felt like I fit in with mainstream society. It's been my view that, because of my shyness and timidity, even though I wasn't raised in a conservative religious household (my own parents having rebelled,) I gravitated toward the conservative Christianity of my extended family, because I found solace in it. Though my own father listened to Howard Stern, I somehow managed to be a real choirboy, and throughout my teens, was absolutely horrified by the merest thought of premarital sex, along with what I thought of as associated practices like drinking, drug use, partying, etc. That, combined with a tendency toward extreme oneitis that manifested as soon as I started liking girls, did not lead to much success with the ladies. I started distancing myself from the kids I'd been friends with around 10th grade, because they were starting to smoke pot, and graduated from high school with pretty much no friends. In college I became a little more social, though I didn't develop deep friendships. I got a girlfriend in college, and assumed we'd get married, but she broke up with me after graduation, for reasons I had no comprehension of at the time, but which I now understand--I was no longer the impressive upperclassman in her eyes, just a shlub who didn't know what he was doing with his life.
Still, I figured that somewhere out there, there must be some conservative Christian enclave where the rules of secular mainstream society didn't apply, where I could find a cute girl who'd like me because I wanted the Leave it to Beaver lifestyle, and we'd get married and live in our own little world together. I started attending a Bible study, where I met a girl I soon developed oneitis for . That oneitis lasted literally 6 years of my life, my mid-to-late twenties--what should have been my prime years for going out and socializing, meeting and dating different girls, and just having fun! I did manage to get that girl to date me for two separate periods, but it just wasn't happening. Dissatisifed with my corporate job, and thinking that being a provider would get the kind of girl I like interested in me, I decided to revive a childhood dream and become a doctor.
So, I did it. I took the premed classes, did well on the MCAT, and got into a good medical school, which I started at age 30. I thought that, combined with the move to what I saw as a more conservative area of the country, away from the liberal Northeast where I grew up, would be sure to get me the girl. But no dice. I started going to a church with a large, active twentysomething singles group, but continued to develop oneitis, and none of the girls I was interested in ever liked me back. I was still putting women on a pedestal and thinking they were innately virtuous. After about a year of this, while blog-surfing one day, I stumbled upon Heartiste (then Roissy,) and the rest was history.
I read The Game, Mystery's Venusian Arts Handbook, and Magic Bullets. But I never really put any of that stuff into practice. I was still hoping to snag a conservative Christian wife, and see, I still had this view that there were two totally different, mutually exclusive types of people in the world: the nerds like me, and the partiers, and I still had a lot of internal resistance to the idea of someone like me, say, going to a nightclub. However, I did residency in the same city, and continued to branch out socially, and began to realize (something I had never realized before in life) that there were women who were attracted to me. Through my social circle, I met a 30-year-old recent divorcee who was hot to trot, and figuring my principled anti-premarital sex stance wasn't getting me anywhere, threw caution to the wind and finally ditched the V-card, 1 month short of my 35th birthday.
The thing is, ever since I started learning about this "game" stuff, I've been fixated on this idea that I never got to experience a truly young, hot--i.e., under 25--girl. I mean, the aforementioned divorcee had been a competitive swimmer and looked great for 30, but still, she was 30. So I've always told myself I was going to do it; finally get out there and start mass-approaching girls, getting good at it, and kind of have one last hurrah before I'm too old. But here I am at 41. When I took my first permanent, real job out of residency, I told myself I was starting over, moving to a new city. But, moving to a city where I know no one, at almost 40, I became discouraged. I didn't know how to meet people or make friends at this stage of life. I don't know the venues or attractions around here, and don't have anyone to explore them with. So, instead of reinventing myself, I've spent my time here so far, a little over a year, fapping and playing video games. Yeah, you could say "well, what did you think would happen, starting med school at age 30?" But what I thought is that I'd meet my June Cleaver and long since have been Mr. Suburban Dad by now.
Has anyone else made a drastic move where they put themselves out there for the first time at this age? Any advice? Would a boot camp be realistic for me? Heck, at this point I'd pay a one-on-one coach to basically hover over me for hours every week and make me do what needs to be done. I think the greatest thing standing in my way is the black-and-white dichotomy I alluded to above, dividing everyone into either Nerds or Cool Kids. Even though I've had sex, and I know I've gotten interest from other women which I was too obtuse to pick up on at the time, every time I see a hot girl, my mind is immediately overhwelmed by this dynamic of "oh, there goes a Hot Girl. She doesn't like Nerds like me; she only likes Bros. She's a cheerleader/sorority sister/homecoming queen type, and she only likes football player/frat boy/homecoming king types, and the second she lays eyes on me, she'll be able to tell that's not what I am, and will think 'why is this NERD talking to me?'" Even though I know on an intellectual level that's not true. What can a 41 year old guy do to break out of this, given that I'd presumably be a little out of place "sarging" in the clubs?
I'm a 41 year old man, who has never married, has had 2 serious relationships, and has had sex with three women in my life. I was a really shy, quiet, timid kid, and thus have never, even to this day, felt like I fit in with mainstream society. It's been my view that, because of my shyness and timidity, even though I wasn't raised in a conservative religious household (my own parents having rebelled,) I gravitated toward the conservative Christianity of my extended family, because I found solace in it. Though my own father listened to Howard Stern, I somehow managed to be a real choirboy, and throughout my teens, was absolutely horrified by the merest thought of premarital sex, along with what I thought of as associated practices like drinking, drug use, partying, etc. That, combined with a tendency toward extreme oneitis that manifested as soon as I started liking girls, did not lead to much success with the ladies. I started distancing myself from the kids I'd been friends with around 10th grade, because they were starting to smoke pot, and graduated from high school with pretty much no friends. In college I became a little more social, though I didn't develop deep friendships. I got a girlfriend in college, and assumed we'd get married, but she broke up with me after graduation, for reasons I had no comprehension of at the time, but which I now understand--I was no longer the impressive upperclassman in her eyes, just a shlub who didn't know what he was doing with his life.
Still, I figured that somewhere out there, there must be some conservative Christian enclave where the rules of secular mainstream society didn't apply, where I could find a cute girl who'd like me because I wanted the Leave it to Beaver lifestyle, and we'd get married and live in our own little world together. I started attending a Bible study, where I met a girl I soon developed oneitis for . That oneitis lasted literally 6 years of my life, my mid-to-late twenties--what should have been my prime years for going out and socializing, meeting and dating different girls, and just having fun! I did manage to get that girl to date me for two separate periods, but it just wasn't happening. Dissatisifed with my corporate job, and thinking that being a provider would get the kind of girl I like interested in me, I decided to revive a childhood dream and become a doctor.
So, I did it. I took the premed classes, did well on the MCAT, and got into a good medical school, which I started at age 30. I thought that, combined with the move to what I saw as a more conservative area of the country, away from the liberal Northeast where I grew up, would be sure to get me the girl. But no dice. I started going to a church with a large, active twentysomething singles group, but continued to develop oneitis, and none of the girls I was interested in ever liked me back. I was still putting women on a pedestal and thinking they were innately virtuous. After about a year of this, while blog-surfing one day, I stumbled upon Heartiste (then Roissy,) and the rest was history.
I read The Game, Mystery's Venusian Arts Handbook, and Magic Bullets. But I never really put any of that stuff into practice. I was still hoping to snag a conservative Christian wife, and see, I still had this view that there were two totally different, mutually exclusive types of people in the world: the nerds like me, and the partiers, and I still had a lot of internal resistance to the idea of someone like me, say, going to a nightclub. However, I did residency in the same city, and continued to branch out socially, and began to realize (something I had never realized before in life) that there were women who were attracted to me. Through my social circle, I met a 30-year-old recent divorcee who was hot to trot, and figuring my principled anti-premarital sex stance wasn't getting me anywhere, threw caution to the wind and finally ditched the V-card, 1 month short of my 35th birthday.
The thing is, ever since I started learning about this "game" stuff, I've been fixated on this idea that I never got to experience a truly young, hot--i.e., under 25--girl. I mean, the aforementioned divorcee had been a competitive swimmer and looked great for 30, but still, she was 30. So I've always told myself I was going to do it; finally get out there and start mass-approaching girls, getting good at it, and kind of have one last hurrah before I'm too old. But here I am at 41. When I took my first permanent, real job out of residency, I told myself I was starting over, moving to a new city. But, moving to a city where I know no one, at almost 40, I became discouraged. I didn't know how to meet people or make friends at this stage of life. I don't know the venues or attractions around here, and don't have anyone to explore them with. So, instead of reinventing myself, I've spent my time here so far, a little over a year, fapping and playing video games. Yeah, you could say "well, what did you think would happen, starting med school at age 30?" But what I thought is that I'd meet my June Cleaver and long since have been Mr. Suburban Dad by now.
Has anyone else made a drastic move where they put themselves out there for the first time at this age? Any advice? Would a boot camp be realistic for me? Heck, at this point I'd pay a one-on-one coach to basically hover over me for hours every week and make me do what needs to be done. I think the greatest thing standing in my way is the black-and-white dichotomy I alluded to above, dividing everyone into either Nerds or Cool Kids. Even though I've had sex, and I know I've gotten interest from other women which I was too obtuse to pick up on at the time, every time I see a hot girl, my mind is immediately overhwelmed by this dynamic of "oh, there goes a Hot Girl. She doesn't like Nerds like me; she only likes Bros. She's a cheerleader/sorority sister/homecoming queen type, and she only likes football player/frat boy/homecoming king types, and the second she lays eyes on me, she'll be able to tell that's not what I am, and will think 'why is this NERD talking to me?'" Even though I know on an intellectual level that's not true. What can a 41 year old guy do to break out of this, given that I'd presumably be a little out of place "sarging" in the clubs?