Quote: (07-21-2017 08:10 AM)Noir Wrote:
^^ Yes we all have, by virtue of being on this forum.
Generally people outside of this forum (and plenty here) don't want advice, they want reassurance.
Take a lesson from Dale Carnegie.
Basically the whole of Chapter 4 out of How To Win Friends and Influence People.
More relevant: Principle 4.2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
I don't advise anyone, intervene or give a shit anymore in real life or on other 'forums'.
People are pretty selfish and I have reached my limit of Mother Teresa Samaritan Goodwill so honestly, I can't be arsed.
This forum is a minor exception because posters do seem open to criticism and dialogue. More importantly, I do enjoy the different issues that are brought up here, not the usual vanilla ones.
Think about this and why you decided to assist.
It's great that you have that streak in you but also be wise with your time.
My assistance comes in the form of volunteering my time for various causes and even then, I am slowly discovering the ungrateful, lazy nature of people. I try and focus my efforts with children, mainly those with mental/physical/learning disabilities (read: challenges for you PC folk).
With adults, they cannot change, they want cheerleaders, not advice.
When they seek help, they want it without any commitment from themselves.
This is because it takes a monumental event for them to relinquish the investment and idea of what life is what how they built it to be.
So much time and effort spent into believing the world operates in a certain way will never be changed without a massive catalyst.
Some of us were lucky to have that occur to us at a younger age. Others had to be divorced, fucked by the law, have family members pass away or generally have that investment be taken away from us to have this 'epiphany'.
You can try and help people's situation, one by one or you can help the cause and give them a better platform to help themselves.
It's better to guide people to the breaking point, the drop that overflows the cup instead of trying to help them eventually.
You cannot help those who aren't ready to be helped.
With guidance, let that person fuck up and realize that:
- they are responsible for their current situation. Helping them dilutes their assumption of responsibility.
- the world is not fair. They can be the best they can and sometimes life trips you up. You are mortal.
- they have to look after number 1, themselves. Then their family, then their esteemed friends. They come in to this world alone and they leave alone. Causes are great and stuff but stand for what you stand for and where you can impact immediately.
- they have the final say in the decisions they make. I glanced over the thread you mentioned. He was asking for it. He was pressured into it, marriage. People talk about alphas and betas all day long. Well if you buy into that dichotomy then you have your answer. He just wasn't a winner.
- let them understand that they are losers and the only way is up. People see a successful person and either hate on them or are curious and want to emulate. Your 'advice' should aim to help them understand that and let them make a conscious decision. People just need to be curious and leave their egos out of it to change.
Anyways, this is a pretty esoteric concept.
A lot of people help, not because they want to help but because they want to feel better themselves.
I know this because I used to work in the volunteering sphere. Their motivations are selfish and not from a place of giving.
They are more concerned with the virtue signalling aspect of it and the external validation that comes with it.
Here is a good example.
Many of my posts boil down to this and it's simply human nature.
People want to be accepted. Those who need help, are usually rejected. When they cannot be accepted, they need to change and this is a fact.
Those who help, usually do it for their own acceptance because they want to be part of a cause, something greater. I can't judge this because you cannot hate people for trying. It's a good thing, it's just ironic.
I noticed this during a few years of the volunteering sphere. Some people would be amazing, helping to build communities, being regular and actively spending time and money to elevate the destitute. Really, I cannot emphasize the amount of good natured, amazingly motivated and inherent value adding people I have encountered.
The grand majority (70-80%) however, ended up joining because it would:
- look good on their resume
- look good on social media
- be an extra story
- their rich parents sent them away to see the real world
- they wanted validation on their standing in the world through real life confirmation that people had it worse than them
- curiosity (good thing)
Alas, that is human nature, no one helps without personal motivation.
It's usually thanks to:
- guilt of own position (privilege)
- validation and acceptance
- opportunistic nature (leverage down the line)
- investment in a person to realize their full potential (win/win)
My background arises from my job being one of an altruistic nature, having 'trained' 15 different guys in game (free of charge, face to face or Skype), setting up various mastermind groups on how to make money and of course, volunteering on a monthly basis at schools and certain centres. I have an avid interest in football and I like to help where I can and get kids interested in football (soccer to you Americans) instead of other influences.
90% of the adults 'value-mined' i.e. got what they wanted and kept the knowledge to themselves.
The kids are still young and are pressured by their parents, sometimes from a place of jealousy, sometimes from a pure misunderstanding of priorities and what makes kids happy.
I ain't even mad, I accept it for what it is.
Just think about this before you willy-nilly devote your time and money to assisting others.
Ask yourself the following;
- why am I helping this person?
- are they responsible to help themselves?
- if I don't help them, will they survive?
- are they appreciative and willing to assist others?
- is this the best use of my time for this cause? (micro - helping 1 person vs. macro - setting up a system to help many)
Apologies in advance if I sound pessimistic and for going super deep on this. I hope I did not discourage anyone. Just be honest and give without expecting because that will make you bitter. Give because you have enough, not because you are seeking to get more in the future (the karma trap).
Living in both 1st and 3rd world countries and seeing human nature, you notice certain constants which aren't the most flattering.
p.s., internet high-five for good deed of the day. It's sign of a good character, that you are willing to help others. Your 2nd URL doesn't work.
Very well written and my thoughts exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself. Kudos to you.