[Dream Medicine]

(05-13-2017 06:35 PM)Philosopher Wrote:  

Keep remembering Aaron Clarey's opinion that giving advice is pointless unless the other person pays a price for it... I realize that he will only learn by making his own mistakes and learning from the pain he will feel

It is great that you're aware of these concepts of behaviour change and I'm glad you want to help this guy. Having good vibes at home is important in maintaining your mental health. I also understand that it can be hard to hear this in your own house -- at least when you hear it from a colleague or acquaintance you can let them deal with it in their own time and space if they don't want any help.

Some reading

I previously wrote here on the topic of helping out mates with game or relationship advice. I suggest you read that now and then come back here to read the rest of my post below.

This case

There are a few differences between this situation and the one outlined in that link, notably:

(05-13-2017 06:35 PM)Philosopher Wrote:  

Wanted to share my thoughts regarding my new roommate...

...he has not asked me for advice on his relationship (although he has asked me for advice on work related topics)

I suggest you tread carefully or risk the possibility of fostering resentment or worse in close quarters. Consider the following...

General principles

(1) People react defensively when given advice they didn't ask for; they need to seek help before they can accept it.
(2) Men are highly defensive about their abilities and success with women, no matter their actual skill and experience.
(3) Men who don't know you well are more likely to resist your advice on women.
(4) Someone who is heavily invested in a relationship will need a strong motivator to spark the desire for change.
(5) Even if someone knows of a problem, it does not mean they will take action. What's more - even if someone asks for your advice, it does not mean they will take action.

(6) In addition, having a strong desire to enlighten other blokes by sharing pickup tips or exposing the supposed "truth" about women is common in men who are new to the game. It typically doesn't last long because such preaching to the initiated and unmotivated is typically doomed to fail. As explained in my intro, I too went through this phase. I hope you and others can learn from my experience (of learning the hard way).

After all, the first rule of fight club is the first rule for a number of very good reasons.



(7) Last, you didn't write about your background which would be helpful for the readership to know when providing you with direction.

With this in mind, Younggun and LDN make good points in saying 'live by example'. While I don't know your level of game or current relationship situation, I think it is important that you are honest with yourself. Before offering your own two cents, it would be helpful to consider asking yourself some questions like, "To what extent am I getting enough girls, and at a level of quality, that I am genuinely happy with?", or "To what extent am I happy in my current relationship?", and "If I help him to move on, am I willing and able to help him meet new women?"

Although demonstrating competence is not always required when giving advice, it goes a long way in establishing credibility and could be key to the success of your bro-to-bro help. Action speaks louder than words in so many ways.

Actionable tips: a summary

(A.) Best bet would be to hold off on any advice for now because he is not asking for it; he is not ready to swallow the red pill. Remember, a mind cannot be opened by external force.

That said, you could ask some broad, measured questions to test the waters when the time is right. Use reflective listening to show genuine interest, empathy and, where appropriate, to softly highlight his internal conflicts through more specific questioning.

(B.) If you do choose to give him some pointers, ensure you start small, and frame it gently, with more emphasis on "something to think about" rather than "you should do this". As DarkTriad noted, using third-party stories can be helpful. Also, do not argue if he resists.

(C.) Show, don't tell; lead by example.

(D.) Try your best to be patient, very patient. Serious change takes serious time.



Side note

This topic will always be relevant and has previously been discussed here, in addition to the link above, e.g: 'Helping Friends Who Have No Game Is A Bad Idea' by Tuthmosis, and 'Trying To Show My Friend the Truth'. In the future I suggest you do a search to find a related thread to post in, rather than starting a new one.

All the best.