[the Thing]

Learn These 3 Short Steps Most People Will Never Know That Can;

• Permanently set your image at the office as a sociable, friendly, chill coworker
• Give you the edge when it's time to negotiate a raise
• Put you to the back of the list when it's time for a layoff
• Let you off the hook for bad behavior, and even
• Help you land your dream job
  

Hello, I'm the Thing. Today I will teach you how to be a shining light among white-collar drones, easily befriend your bosses, negotiate a 50%+ raise and/or ace that interview you've been dreading for the last 2 weeks.

You won't be making millions at home in front of a computer, but you WILL go from being a nice-to-have to being a must-have and your income will increase considerably. Sounds fair?

I thought so. Let me explain.

You have a white collar job. Your colleagues come at 9am every morning to do the work they hate and leave at 5pm to go home and watch the TV lives they envy.

Yes, the staggering life of the white collar. It's such an epidemic that some of them may even be on prescription antidepressants just to be able to cope with this.

But there is one drug all of them do, and enjoy. Sound familiar? Hint: It's not sex.

According to a recent marketing research, 54% of millennials choose food over sex when asked to pick between the two.

Having sex is awesome of course, but not on an empty stomach. Moreover, human evolution has adapted us well to heavily processed food and culinary science has made great developments in engineering delicacies that will activate neural pathways that no good ole' smashing never could.

Today I will teach you to use this to your advantage. To grow your career in leaps and bounds.

I've been there. I had panic attacks before performance reviews that I wouldn't make it. I had a job interview where I was sweating so hard in the waiting room that I had to change my shirt for Christ's sake.

Then suddenly my life changed. Everyone at the office loved me. I negotiated two 50% raises back to back over a 14 month period.

When the company HQ had finally decided to stop operations in the country where I had been employed, I began applying for jobs. I attached the reference letters I received from my bosses all stating how exemplary of a character I was. I was called to 3 interviews in 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks, I had 3 job offers in hand, the lowest paid of which was a 15% raise over my previous job.

This little hack didn't make me the CEO of Starbucks and I'm not claiming that you will be. What I'll give you is that little push you need to unlock your inner potential, that you most definitely have. I'm going on and on about this because I believe you.

When you're on your way to your first day at your new job, when it's a gloomy morning, when you have a job interview, when that nightmare client is coming in to discuss the project burn rate, what you are going to do is;

Step 1: Visit your nearest Dunkin Donuts location, which in the world of today is most likely one street over.
It's not that hard, all you have to look for is their logo which looks like this;

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Dunkin Donuts in any way, in fact you may visit any donut shop you wish but I'd like to note that during my A/B testing I have found out that Dunkin Donuts, with their pastries, their packaging, their corporate image, look flashy enough to set the mood but not too gaudy to make you look like the office clown.

Step 2: Buy a 12-pack of their donuts for $9.99 plus tax or whatever it sells for at your local jurisdiction. Don't be a cheap ass, that $10 will pay itself over a thousand times. For reference, here's a picture of what you should be leaving the shop with:


Step 3: Find the key stakeholders at your office and offer them donuts.

That's it. You're not one of the loss center chumps anymore, you're the laid back, confident, social guy with a big smile and a 12-pack of donuts. Look at this picture and say you CAN'T figure out who brought the donuts.



That's right. Be casual about this and don't forget the big smile. Don't be that creep who eats a lot of junk food. This is weak donut game right here:



I wouldn't be pushing this hard if I didn't know it worked. I've done this so many times. In fact here's a bona fide depiction of what happens when I show up at the office with a 12 pack:



Donut game recognized:



Adapt it to your situation to make the affair feel organic. For example, in the case of a job interview, if you feel like it'll be weird to show up with a box of donuts you may use a line such as "we were celebrating something earlier today and I thought I should bring you some pastries as well" but this is seldom needed. I did this at enough job interviews that now I have the confidence to just rock the donuts like I was born with them.

Ideally you should send an intra-departmental memo regularly that you'll have donuts and you invite the entire department to chill at the break room. If your office is so stiff that it'll be weird at the beginning, ease them into it with a bullshit pretense in the email such as "We're celebrating the growth of my infant son's first DICK HAIR!!!11" until they finally get used to receiving donuts from you.

Bring a box of donuts to a tough interview and see how easy it gets.

Performance review coming up? Better get a store card because you'll be racking them points up pretty quick.

Woke up late because too busy partying last night? Better not forget that 12-pack or your ass is fired.

Cons. It'll cost you $15 every now and then. Don't be a cheap ass. I just made you an extra $10-15k a year.

It'll break your keto diet. Big fucking whoop. You'll be right back on it in no time.

It might not work at a non-PC workplace where people aren't autistic enough to figure out simple things such as this.

But it will work extremely well in most white collar workplaces and it'll effectively get you out of 95%+ of shit you stir up at any software firm.

Negotiating a raise? Well I'll tell you a story. When I first thought of this little hack, it was because I'd been 30 minutes late to a very important meeting. I just showed up with the donuts and suddenly it wasn't such a big deal anymore.

A few weeks later, I did this right after a meeting at which we signed with a new client.

After that, at when we paid for a purchase of new equipment that were going to increase productivity a lot.

I started doing this very frequently. Even for small things such as when I received reimbursement for business travel as I should. Everyone thought I was a very sociable and positive person. But in fact, I was conditioning the entire management in a weird, twisted Pavlovian sense to associate confident business decisions with donuts. I did this for a few months and when it was time for my raise, the entire negotiation took less than a minute. Guess how it went.

I'll give you a hint: While we shook hands, a third of DD Strawberry Frosted was hanging off my manager's mouth.

You can have all of this and then some. You already have the willpower, you read all the way here. All you have to do is remember these 3 simple steps:

1. Find donut shop
2. Buy donuts
3. Give donuts
   

Try it, see how much office rapport you'll get for just $10 worth of donuts. Stand tall and proud at the office knowing your DHV is that much higher.

Thank you.