Quote: (04-03-2016 05:36 AM)RaymondKertezc Wrote:
Just to give you a little background, we're newly married. She's from the Philippines; I finally decided to go with a foreign woman after getting catastrophically frivorced by my borderline personality disordered, radical LGBTQ/feminist SJW blogging, American first wife. She's more traditional than some girls I encountered from, say, Manila, although she's in her late 20s and had a couple major relationships that didn't work out before the two of us met. She's lived with her churchgoing family and the rest of her clan in a pretty traditional Filipino village most of her life, aside from a period when she ran away from home, cut her short, and went to live on her own in the city. I suspect Matt Forney is correct that the Philippines is becoming more Americanized, although there's still a lot of difference between the two cultures and how women are encouraged by their families to act.
Never assume that just because a Filipina can cook, is from a small village, and goes to church that she's conservative. Those qualities may be a good indicator of a traditional woman in western societies, but in SEA they're almost meaningless. Those things are mandatory where she grew up and are mostly about keeping face. A Filipina can consider herself a conservative Catholic while cheating and divorcing when it suits her needs. Once she's in a new environment with greater options, everything can change. A Belgian study showed that the divorce rate for Belgians marrying immigrant Filipinas was virtually the same as the Belgian/Belgian divorce rate.
The part you mentioned about her running away from home is a major red flag in my opinion. It shows that she would rather run away from her problems than directly communicate them and work them out. It's a major sign of impulsiveness. Be prepared to deal with tampo, passive aggressiveness, jealousy, her remaining quiet and stewing in anger rather than openly discussing problems. As a westerner, you will want to solve problems directly, whereas she will want to passive aggressively ignore them to avoid conflict. If it's serious enough and continues to happen, she will run away instead of working it out.
Quote: (04-03-2016 05:36 AM)RaymondKertezc Wrote:
My wife said shortly after she got to the U.S. that I should get bigger muscles, but then when I said I was going to start working out, she backpedaled and said she didn't want it to take away from spending time with her. I took that at face value and figured, "Well, my job is about to go perm anyway, and then I'll have access to the company's fitness center, so it can't hurt to put off for a few weeks getting into a workout routine."
She backpedaled because she realized that you becoming more attractive would give you more options. I've dated Filipinas who admitted to me they were purposely trying to make me fat so other girls wouldn't look at me.
Quote: (04-03-2016 05:36 AM)RaymondKertezc Wrote:
But at this point I feel like getting big and getting some testosterone in my body for my own benefit, and to increase the masculine/feminine polarity between us. It's the same reason I've been encouraging her to grow her hair longer, wear dresses instead of pants, etc. If she had her way, I'm pretty sure that she would want to just have a small family and get a job, so she could be freer to travel around the world and post the resulting pics to Facebook. At the same time, though, she's still an order of magnitude more accommodating and submissive than any American woman I've been with.
Definitely. Do everything you can to benefit yourself. The better you look, the more attractive you'll be, the more on her toes she will be. Look up dread game by Roissy.
Don't take a Filipina's word at face value. To them, what they say is all about the image it projects, and may not give any indication as to their true intentions. Watch their actions as a guide for their motives.
Quote: (04-03-2016 05:36 AM)RaymondKertezc Wrote:
Sex for me goes way beyond the physical; it's like the holy grail of female acceptance and love that I've sought all my life and so often couldn't figure out a way to get. So now I just want to gorge myself on it.
Personally, I think marrying for sex is a bad idea. In every marriage I've seen, the love fades over time and so does the attraction, especially for the woman. Most marriages that have been together for a long time seem to tolerate each other for the kids over anything else.
After the first few years of marriage, all sex will probably feel like duty sex for her. If she agreed to giving you duty sex before you got married, then she's not holding up her part of the agreement. Luckily, Filipino culture encourages duty sex, and a woman's lola will often tell the female members of the family that if their husband isn't getting sex from them, he will look elsewhere.
I would expect the sex to drop off at some point in the future unless you're able to keep her honest on holding up her word. Your other option is to get other women on the side. That is actually common and acceptable in Asia for those who can pull it off.
Quote: (04-03-2016 05:36 AM)RaymondKertezc Wrote:
Anyway, everything ended up being okay. We had a conversation about an hour or two ago, and I agreed that I would listen to her more when she says that she's sore or her back hurts or whatever, and be sensitive to her need to wait till those symptoms subside before having sex. She reassured me that she's not malingering when she brings up physical symptoms as a reason why she doesn't want to have sex. And ultimately she gave me what I wanted, which was a promise that she'd have sex with me whenever I want. (Which means that, after listening to her, I still get to make the decision.)
Yep, she is saying what she thinks you want to hear in order to get her way and portray herself in a good light. If she was single and Brad Pitt walked in the room, I can guarantee you her back pain would magically disappear. I would not be surprised if this continues to be an issue in the future.
Keep in mind that if you're married in the west, the woman does have the upper hand in every respect. The important thing is making sure that doesn't go to her head, and making her believe that she has more to lose by losing you than she has to gain.
Quote: (04-03-2016 05:36 AM)RaymondKertezc Wrote:
She told me that I'm spoiled, and I grinned. I love being spoiled; it's why I married a Filipina this time around. I wanted an easy relationship.
I hope I am wrong, but things will not be easy. It may be easy now, but other issues will become apparent as time progresses. There are countless stories of westerners marrying Pinays based on everything being perfect at face value, and learning the hard way later on. There are aspects of their culture that will help. As long as she's reminded of how shameful a divorce, or a broken family would be to everyone in her social circle, it may help keep her in line. It certainly helps if the rest of her family will be on your side in making things work. On the other hand, if she has a better life than her relatives, they may try to put wedges between you two or spread gossip on you out of jealousy.
You cannot use your western sensibilities when approaching this marriage or you'll be surprised often. I would strongly encourage you to educate yourself on Filipino culture and relationships. I would start with:
Philippines Cultural observations: thread-50668.html
Culture Shock! Philippines (slightly blue pill): http://www.amazon.com/dp/9814484016/
Phil Fail Blog (pessimistic, but good for your awareness): http://www.philippinefailblog.com/
I know it sounds like I'm just being an asshole, but I've seen many guys who are relatively new to how things work in SEA end up getting burned. I'm trying to give you a realistic perspective here. I've been to the Philippines almost a half dozen times and dated many Filipinas, as well as talked to many guys who have lived there for years. I've read a lot of books on the culture, history, and people. I'd be happy to talk over PM if there's anything you want to discuss. Best of luck man.