[the Thing]

Hey guys,

I am considered by my peers to be extremely smart, by the logical/mathematical sense of the term. Also am a Mensa member. Despite this, my school/work performance sucked for most of my life because I couldn't fucking sit down and stay focused.

I was diagnosed with ADHD by several MD's who were all experts in their respective field. I went on Ritalin, then Adderall at 14. This sort of worked apart from the tremors, hypertension, night terrors and the occasional psychotic episode that stems from prolonged use of this stuff.

I quit the stuff when I moved out of the family home for good at 18. The side effects all went away but I couldn't keep my focus again. Shortly thereafter, I discovered a good replacement: cocaine. I self medicated with coke, various amphetamines (mainly dextro aka. speed but you never know what exactly you're buying on the street so when I scored something that worked I just went with it) and other times whatever research chemicals / "bath salts" I could get my hands on. This worked to a varying degree of success, I was able to pursue my B.S. and keep a full time, bachelor's level engineering job (without actually having a bachelor's degree) at the same time, got creative with some real estate investments which today gives me at least some sense of economic stability; even though it's not enough today to go location independent and keep my lifestyle.

Then at 23 I quit all the things. I went on EEG neurofeedback (Google it) for a couple months which worked nicely, then kept me performing at a normal level for a few years but slowly faded away. I stayed drug free for the most part since (I did the occasional "once in a blue moon" swing but never started using anything regularly) and managed to perform at a somewhat-above-average level. I started a business that at the end got me a decent chunk of cash, then started a second one in which I blew all of it.

Now, a couple years later. I noticed one thing. I can't fucking focus. At work or working on side projects, doesn't matter. The "do something" drums in my head are beating full force. I have a very clear picture of what I should do, that has a good chance of making me successful. But when I have to sit on my ass and actually do it, I can focus on anything but what I have to do. For example, instead of working a very promising business idea, that solves an actual problem in a well established sector of business, that I've discussed and validated with professionals working in said sector; I'm writing this post. I can feel that I'm under performing and it's hurting me. It will hurt me even more in the long run if I can't solve this once and for all.

I did some coke and popped a pill a while back, I did all the coke my girl had on her (which would have definitely worked on a normal person) the effects lasted about 5-6 minutes and the pill which was supposedly speed gave me ABSOLUTELY NOTHING except a fucking headache. The only good thing that came out of it was the stuff actually worked on her and I got one of those drug fueled 4-hour long hardcore fuck sessions out of it. I don't think self medicating will work for me, considering that it's safe to assume that at this point my dopamine receptors are stretched out like Tijuana $10 dollar ass. Never mind the fact that messing with my brain chemistry will only make my problem worse in the long run. Therefore I'm looking for advice on what I could do to improve my focus in a healthy and sustainable way.

It can't just be me with a focus problem. Help me out RVF.

Cheers.