7 Ways to Be a Modern Man [New York Times Article]
10-04-2015, 07:23 AM
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
-- My wife buys her own shoes. I don't even know which men's brands run big or small. That's why you try them on.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
-- This one sounds good on the surface, but I'm trying to find the left-tard angle that makes it wrong. There has to be one. But all I can come up with is, a real man will ask another real man for help when it's needed, rather than fake it until everything implodes and he looks like a pussy.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
-- I don't do movie theaters. Why would you pay more than $10 to watch a half hour of commercials and previews, then try to pay attention to a movie with rude people talking and texting and sitting around you? That's why God gave us Netflix.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
-- A real man buys good cuts of steak. If you hand a a shitty cut, I'll trim it to where I want it. Bones and fat go in the trash.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
-- I try to plan my shopping trips for times of day when the sheople aren't out. Going to Wegman's at 0630 on Sunday morning ensures no parking problem. Better yet, I send my wife to the store.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
-- My wife is an adult, and my children will be someday. As Covey says, begin with the end in mind. Charge your own damn phone, and don't expect any pity from me if you didn't.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
-- I almost never drink that shit. My liquid trinity is coffee- water (from tap, not BPA laden plastic bottles) and beer. Fuck high fructose corn syrup, and especially fuck aspartame. Ever notice how extremely fat people are almost entirely surrounded by craploads of cases and bottles of Diet Coke?
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
-- I'll use whatever word best fits the context and audience of the situation. Or whatever I feel like.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
-- So we totally ignore sons, for those of us who have y chromosomes? What makes a daughter more special among the children a man can have?
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
-- My wife does the dishes. I take them out of the rack if I need one and they're not put away.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
-- You can pin a tweet? How, and why would you ever need to do such a thing? Isn't that what Pinterest is for?
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
-- WTF? What does Irish Spring have to do with being a man?
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
-- What the fuck is Wu-Tang?
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
-- I'm confused. I thought the green-tards at the New York Times expected us to use less paper to "save the planet". Now they're telling us it's OK when it comes to groceries? Make up your minds, green-tards. Don't tell me their next Buzzfeed cross-over article will tell us modern men still take phone messages for their wives on 3M pads. And recycle!
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
-- They make mood shoes? Is that like a mood ring?
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
-- Where is the wife supposed to go? Lock herself in the bathroom? Or do tiny NYC apartments and co-ops have an escape hatch from the bedroom? And of course, this proverbial man doesn't have a gun and doesn't need one.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
-- I would mercilessly mock any of my friends who had a mellon baller. Unless it belong to and was used by his wife.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
-- Why? I haven't needed a shoehorn since I was a child and outgrew them faster than my parents could buy them. If you buy your shoes at the right size, why would you need a shoehorn?
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
-- Like diamonds, flowers are overpriced bullshit.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
-- What is a little spoon? Looking over your accomplishments is a good emotional shield. A gun is a great physical shield.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
-- A real man doesn't raise his daughters to be spoiled princesses who have never had their behavior corrected.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
-- Why do people still read newspapers? They're bulky, cumbersome, you have to keep chasing articles across multiple pages and sections, and they're full of bullshit like this list. "Continued on page A-24. Continued on page D-16". Fuck that. Just amble half-naked to your desk and catch your news online.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
-- What is this guy's (or chick ghost writer's) fascination with linking their preferences to what a "modern" man should be or do or have? What does Michael Mann or a specific format have to do with anything?
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
-- I never let my gas tank run low, and I sure as hell don't let my phone's batter run low. I don't know about a "modern man", and I sure wouldn't want to be one. A real man is prepared.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
-- Fuck the New York Beta times. Maybe a modern man doesn't need a gun, but the kind of man I want to be knows it's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
-- Gay. You can cry when Old Yeller dies, or when your mom dies, or dad, or a close friend, wife or children. There aren't many exceptions outside of that.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
-- Jam?
-- My wife buys her own shoes. I don't even know which men's brands run big or small. That's why you try them on.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
-- This one sounds good on the surface, but I'm trying to find the left-tard angle that makes it wrong. There has to be one. But all I can come up with is, a real man will ask another real man for help when it's needed, rather than fake it until everything implodes and he looks like a pussy.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
-- I don't do movie theaters. Why would you pay more than $10 to watch a half hour of commercials and previews, then try to pay attention to a movie with rude people talking and texting and sitting around you? That's why God gave us Netflix.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
-- A real man buys good cuts of steak. If you hand a a shitty cut, I'll trim it to where I want it. Bones and fat go in the trash.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
-- I try to plan my shopping trips for times of day when the sheople aren't out. Going to Wegman's at 0630 on Sunday morning ensures no parking problem. Better yet, I send my wife to the store.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
-- My wife is an adult, and my children will be someday. As Covey says, begin with the end in mind. Charge your own damn phone, and don't expect any pity from me if you didn't.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
-- I almost never drink that shit. My liquid trinity is coffee- water (from tap, not BPA laden plastic bottles) and beer. Fuck high fructose corn syrup, and especially fuck aspartame. Ever notice how extremely fat people are almost entirely surrounded by craploads of cases and bottles of Diet Coke?
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
-- I'll use whatever word best fits the context and audience of the situation. Or whatever I feel like.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
-- So we totally ignore sons, for those of us who have y chromosomes? What makes a daughter more special among the children a man can have?
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
-- My wife does the dishes. I take them out of the rack if I need one and they're not put away.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
-- You can pin a tweet? How, and why would you ever need to do such a thing? Isn't that what Pinterest is for?
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
-- WTF? What does Irish Spring have to do with being a man?
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
-- What the fuck is Wu-Tang?
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
-- I'm confused. I thought the green-tards at the New York Times expected us to use less paper to "save the planet". Now they're telling us it's OK when it comes to groceries? Make up your minds, green-tards. Don't tell me their next Buzzfeed cross-over article will tell us modern men still take phone messages for their wives on 3M pads. And recycle!
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
-- They make mood shoes? Is that like a mood ring?
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
-- Where is the wife supposed to go? Lock herself in the bathroom? Or do tiny NYC apartments and co-ops have an escape hatch from the bedroom? And of course, this proverbial man doesn't have a gun and doesn't need one.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
-- I would mercilessly mock any of my friends who had a mellon baller. Unless it belong to and was used by his wife.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
-- Why? I haven't needed a shoehorn since I was a child and outgrew them faster than my parents could buy them. If you buy your shoes at the right size, why would you need a shoehorn?
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
-- Like diamonds, flowers are overpriced bullshit.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
-- What is a little spoon? Looking over your accomplishments is a good emotional shield. A gun is a great physical shield.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
-- A real man doesn't raise his daughters to be spoiled princesses who have never had their behavior corrected.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
-- Why do people still read newspapers? They're bulky, cumbersome, you have to keep chasing articles across multiple pages and sections, and they're full of bullshit like this list. "Continued on page A-24. Continued on page D-16". Fuck that. Just amble half-naked to your desk and catch your news online.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
-- What is this guy's (or chick ghost writer's) fascination with linking their preferences to what a "modern" man should be or do or have? What does Michael Mann or a specific format have to do with anything?
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
-- I never let my gas tank run low, and I sure as hell don't let my phone's batter run low. I don't know about a "modern man", and I sure wouldn't want to be one. A real man is prepared.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
-- Fuck the New York Beta times. Maybe a modern man doesn't need a gun, but the kind of man I want to be knows it's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
-- Gay. You can cry when Old Yeller dies, or when your mom dies, or dad, or a close friend, wife or children. There aren't many exceptions outside of that.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
-- Jam?