[RouteBackwards]

(02-11-2015 02:02 PM)Hardy Daytona Wrote:  

A wise man once said, "Life is an adventure in forgiveness."

Now, you might rate bungee jumps from a bridge or bachelor parties in Vegas a few notches higher on the adventure ladder.
But think about the risks involved.
You could climb to the mountaintop of attrition only to get shot down by a victim who refuses to forgive.
Think about the rewards.
A chance to heal those nasty wounds, reconcile with someone you love.

In 2006 the APA conducted a medical study and showed that carrying around the baggage of anger and bitterness can put you at risk for mental illness, for depression and anxiety, as well as strokes, heart disease and heart attacks.

So if forgiveness is so good for us, why don't we do it more often?
There are 2 primary reasons for holding back.
First - accountability. As long as we're still in pain we need someone to blame. What can you do with all that pain if you've let the guy off the hook?
Second - identity. Without this rage consuming me, without this resentment, this bitterness, who am I?

But who's the hardest person of all to forgive?
Oneself.
The demons inside, they laugh at the thought.
When you forgive another person, they're not likely to turn you down and say "Fuck that."
Trying to forgive myself though? It's "Fuck that" all the time.

After all, there's few things as cruel as memories.
Unwanted party crashers creaming through the synapses. Unrelenting, inescapable. You can't even escape into madness.
The nights are the worst. During the day, at least, there's work to be done or a mission to accomplish. Something to distract the mind. But in the night with nothing but the company of my own thoughts, they constantly barrage me with every regrettable incident I've done to date. Even the things I was too young or too naive to do anything about. Justification doesn't matter. The only thing that prevails is the overwhelming sense or regret and embarrassment.

Maybe instead of forgive and forget it should be forgive and remember. Remember that I have to wake up every morning and forgive myself over again.

Of course, it's not all bad. Being chased by my demons has it advantages.
Foremost is a symbiotic relationship were I use the pain to push me to lift greater weights at the gym. But that's a temporary boon.

Do any of you have similar feelings? What's the thought process you experience and how do you manage to wrestle it into something constructive?


Apologies if there's unnecessary ranting or if it's is in the wrong section but this is something I could use a little sage wisdom on.

I've lived a pretty mixed life. I grew up very poor, raised by a single parent, and have lost a lot of people in the process. Ultimately though, I realize that through understanding and acceptance I have been able to move on. A lot of people I feel like they view their circumstances as something to be surpressed and ignored, and that is what leads to greater turmoil in the long run. I've learned you cannot run from things that have happened in your past, and you need to learn to accept those issues and move on.

Part of my long standing anxiety stemmed from these issues. It was like, because I was always suppressing my anger and upsets at things that happened in the past, that it would almost leak out by making me anxious about seemingly menial things. It wasn't until I deeply reflected on why I was anxious, and faced my problems head on that I got over them.

So I look at understanding and acceptance as key components of moving on from traumatic events. If you understand but don't accept the situations, then you'll continue lingering on your issues as "If I did this it wouldn't have happened." But if you accept but don't understand the situation, you stay in a cycle of regrets, "I know I have to move on from this, but how could that have happened to me?"

Now, I view my past with a fondness, something that I can even laugh at, no matter how fucked up shit got. It sounds weird, but even with all the negatives, I accept my situations as positives that helped develop me into a more well rounded human.